The (In)fertility Diaries

Checking In

2011-10-25T18:55:00.000-07:00

Well, I kind of feel like I have fallen off the face of the earth. I have been super busy keeping up with these cute kiddos:

I'm not sure if anyone reads my blog anymore, but I wanted to do a quick check-in. I apologize in advance that this is going to be a bit choppy, but bear with me.

Honestly, the days are just flying by. Add to it that I have been trying to work a little bit from home while on maternity leave (since I used up all my FMLA when J was born), and by the time I have any spare time, all I want to do is sleep. But, I wouldn't change a minute of it. I am so in LOVE with these little kids.

J is almost one and A is already seven weeks old...where has the time gone? I have started planning a little family birthday party for J, and I am super excited. I am planning a Mickey Mouse themed party, since he loves to watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse in the morning and he gets a huge smile on his face whenever he sees Mickey.

I will be going back to work pretty soon, and even though it is just a few days a week, I am still not looking forward to it. I have really enjoyed the time I have had with them.

It is looking like I have a fertile sister, and of course it would be the one who is only 20 and in a super unstable marriage - they are always talking about leaving each other. Apparently she wasn't taking any BCP because she was afraid that they would make her infertile, but her husband didn't know that. When he found out she was KU, he wanted her to get an abortion, but at least she has refused to do so. She is only 6 or 7 weeks along, so it is super early, but still...out of all the people to get pg, it would be her, who can hardly even take care of herself! It is just frustrating.

So, as evidenced by my lack of posting, it seems like my blogging time has been drastically cut. I really don't want to stop hearing about what is going on with everyone and lose touch with all of my blogging buddies. However, I kind of feel like I don't totally fit in with this community as much. Even though I will always be infertile, I don't know that I will blog as much about it for a while since DH and I will not be TTC for at least two or three years. So, I would like to invite anyone that still reads this and is interested to come follow me over on our family blog: mikeandlisafamily.blogspot.com. I hope that if I am only focusing on one blog, it will be easier to keep it updated and stay current on what is going on with everyone. I don't plan to leave this blog completely, but at the same time, I don't know how often I will post on it. All I ask is that if you do choose to visit my family blog, that you don't mention this one, since I haven't shared it with my IRL friends and family.

I hope that everyone is doing well, and hopefully I will be able to catch up with you soon!

Where Has the Time Gone?

2011-09-22T15:30:00.000-07:00

Wow, I can't believe that it has already been over two weeks since my sweet little A joined our family. Time as gone by so quickly!

Things are going really well. It has helped A LOT that DH was able to take four weeks off of work, plus my sister lives with us. It has been nice to have so many extra helping hands. I think the hardest part has been finding a good routine that meets both kids needs. There have been a few times when both J and A have been crying/needing something, and it is hard to make one of them "wait", even if it isn't a long wait. Although J seems so grown up now, he is still a baby himself and is trying to adjust to all these changes and not getting all the attention.

That said, DH will be going back to work a week from Monday, so that will be when the true test comes. My sister will still be here of course, but she has school a few days a week, including my first day on my own. I am not too nervous...most days A will eat and go back to sleep before J wakes up, and mornings seem to be the busiest part of the day. But, we will see.

Overall I am feeling pretty good. I have been able to start wearing some pre-pregnancy jeans, although they definitely accentuate my muffin top. I am starting to feel a little bit anxious to be able to start exercising again. I love to run, especially this time of year, so hopefully I will still have some nice running weather once I get the all clear to start again.

Besides that, not too much is new with me. I am just enjoying being able to be home with my family. I feel bad that I haven't been able to keep up with reading everybody's blogs. It seems like there is always something else going on and blogging always ends up on the back burner. I am hoping that I will have some spare time to get caught up on what is going on with everyone soon.

Here's the Scoop...

2011-09-09T14:08:00.000-07:00

I am so happy to have this sweet little girl here! I apologize that this post might be a little long...I had originally planned to post an update last week, but didn't get a chance.

Last Wednesday night, I noticed that I hadn't been feeling the baby move as much as normal. I could still feel her, but it just felt kind of sluggish. DH and I were eventually able to get her a little more active, so we decided to go to bed and see how things were in the morning. On Thursday morning, I still felt like she wasn't as active as she should've been, so I called my doctor's office and they got me in for a non-stress test. Fortunately, everything looked perfect, and it was good to have another u/s of Jumper and hear her little heartbeat.

On Friday, I was officially 40 weeks and had a doctor's appointment. At that point, I was dilated to a 'tight 2' and 80% effaced. She said that it was their policy not to induce first-time moms until 1 week after their due date, which would have met being induced on September 9th. However, she wasn't going to be in that day, so she said if I hadn't had the baby, they would induce me on September 11th. However, she was really doubtful that I would make it that long without going into labor on my own. For the meanwhile, I was supposed to have two more non-stress tests and I also had another appointment scheduled with her. I figured that if I did have to wait until the 11th to be induced, I could handle it because I was feeling pretty good overall.

Before I left my appointment, I was told that I would have a lot more cramping and contractions, and that definitely proved to be true! I expected them to kind of fade away like they had the week before, but they never did. I typically had one contraction every hour or so, but sometimes they would start to build up and happen more frequently, while other times they weren't strong and hardly noticeable. On Saturday, we went to a couple of different family activities, and while I was feeling pretty uncomfortable, it wasn't like I was miserable. Overall, I just felt really tired.

On Sunday, I noticed that I was feeling my contractions in my lower back/tailbone area, and they were getting to be really painful. The problem was that they were still pretty irregular. They would start to get closer together until they were 6 minutes apart, and then they would start to fade again. By this point, I was pretty miserable. We went to a family dinner, and I pretty much just laid on my mom's sofa for most of the time. I remember commenting to DH and my sister that I didn't know if I was going to be able to make it another week if this is how I was going to have to be feeling.

As we were getting ready for bed Sunday night, I was feeling more and more miserable, but my contractions were still so irregular. Finally, around midnight, they got to where they were 3-4 minutes a part and I could hardly talk through them. At that point, DH and I decided it was time to head to the hospital. We arrived about 1:00 Monday morning, and when they did my initial assessment, I was dilated to a 3 and 90% effaced. They decided to admit me, and during my next check, I was dilated to a 4.

After I got admitted, I got an epidural and they broke my water. They ended up giving me a little bit of Pitocin, and that definitely worked...I went from a 4 to an 8 by the next check. I felt really comfortable and it was nice to be able to just rest while I let me body keep getting ready for the delivery. I started pushing at around 9:15, and I think that at that point, it really sank in that this was happening and I was in the middle of giving birth. The whole experience seemed a little surreal. I pushed for about two hours, which wasn't too bad. I was able to feel my contractions enough to know when to push without being in pain. Our little Baby A was born at 11:25...they had to have the NICU nurses there to suction her because she aspirated so much meconium, but after a little work, she pinked right up and has been healthy. She is such a sweet little girl, and DH and I are so in love with her. We can't imagine not having her in our family.

I know I need to post some more pictures and give some more updates about having her home from the hospital, so I will try to get to those within the next few days or so. Right now I am just enjoying the time I have being home with my family. :)

She's Here!

2011-09-06T18:33:00.000-07:00

Born September 5, 2011 at 11:25 AM.

7lbs, 11oz

21" long

More details and pictures to come soon!

Almost There!

2011-08-30T11:19:00.000-07:00

Well, I feel like things are going better than they were last week. It is crazy to look over at my ticker and see that it says there are only three days left!

My appointment last week went well. The doctor said that I was 80% effaced and dilated to a 1+, so that is a little bit of improvement from before. She also stripped my membranes, in the hopes that would help move things along. She encouraged me to do a lot of walking and of course, have s.ex, which is the last thing on my mind. :) At least something I am doing has been paying off, because I lost my mucous plug on Friday. It is really good to know that things are progressing and my body is getting ready.

Part of me just wishes that I would go into labor, but part of me still feels like this has gone by so quickly and that I need to cherish every last minute. I hope that I will have the opportunity to experience pregnancy again in the future, but I know that I can't count on it.

Going forward, I have another appointment this Friday, which is my actual due date. Last week, my doctor told me that they typically won't do an induction until the baby is a week overdue, so hopefully that means no later than a week from this Friday. I have been joking with my family that Jumper is going to wait to be born until then so that she can join our family's September birthday party - between me and two sisters, there are three birthdays within four days (September 10, 12, and 13).

In other news, I just received a really sad phone call while I was typing this post. I got a phone call from K's (J's birthmom) mom, who said she wanted to let me know that K has relapsed on drugs and that she wanted to warn us so that we could take adequate steps to protect our family. We talked for a while, and it broke my heart to hear about the choices that K has made. I have been thinking about her so much lately, and perhaps this is why. Her mom did say several times that she has so much peace knowing that J is with us and part of our family, and it scares her to think about where he would be if K hadn't placed him for adoption. I love J so much, and it is horrible to think of what type of environment he could be living in or what kind of life he could have. I also still have such a love for K for the decision that she made to place J with us...I wish there was something I could do, but I don't think there is anything other than praying for her. At her mom's recommendation, I think that DH and I will likely stop e-mailing K and making a few other changes just to be on the safe side, but we need to talk about it some more.

Still Here

2011-08-23T11:40:00.000-07:00

I know this post might rub some people the wrong way, so I would recommend NOT reading it if you are having a hard time right now...

I am 38 weeks 4 days right now, but I am ready to be done. I have really enjoyed my pregnancy, and it hasn't been until recently that I have started to feel more uncomfortable and miserable. I keep telling myself that I need to just be grateful and enjoy this ride for as long as it lasts, but it is getting hard.

For the past 10 days or so, I have had contractions pretty much every day. Sometimes it is just a few contractions, and those are manageable, but there are also days when I will have them for hours. On both Saturday and Sunday nights, I had them so badly and they were starting to get close enough together that DH and I were thinking that it was time to head to the hospital...and then they started to fade away. I am sure that these false labor contractions serve some purpose, but it is getting old to have them and feel so exhausted after, and then have it all be for nothing. Add to it that the worst ones usually come at night, so I am not really sleeping.

I think that one of the hardest things has also been that it is getting hard for me to take care of J. He had a pretty bad cold last week that we had to deal with, but now that he is back to normal, he is all over the place...and sometimes I physically can't keep up with him. It makes me feel like such a bad mom to know that it is getting so hard for me to take care of him. I know he won't remember any of this, but it kind of feels like he got the short end of the stick in regards to his first year of life. I am sure that he didn't ask to get a mom who has no energy to play with him or do fun things with him.

I go to the doctor again on Thursday and I am hoping that she will give me some good news. When I went to my appointment last week, she had been called to do an emergency C-section, so I had to see the nurse. The good news from that appointment was that I was measuring a half week ahead, but the bad news was that they didn't check to see if I had effaced or dilated more.

I know that my due date is next week and even if I do go over, the end isn't too far away...I am just ready for it to be the end now! I am so anxious to meet this little girl and enjoy our family of four!

37 Weeks 4 Days

2011-08-16T12:54:00.000-07:00

Still here, just keeping busy taking care of J and getting ready for Jumper's arrival. Just a head's up, but this post is pretty random!

As of last week's doctor's appointment, nothing had changed as far as effacement or dilation. I wasn't too surprised and had pretty much planned on not having any progress. So many people keep telling me that "there is no way" I'll make it to September, but I don't want to get my hopes up or plan on it.

On Sunday night, I started having some irregular contractions. They lasted for a couple hours on Sunday and then they came back yesterday afternoon. On Sunday, they weren't too bad because I was able to go to bed and sleep, so I didn't feel too tired from them. Yesterday, they started while I was at work and lasted for almost 4 hours. Part of me really wanted to just leave work and go to bed, but part of me knew that they weren't legitimate, so I might as well keep getting paid while I was feeling miserable. By the time they finally subsided, I was exhausted! We had to go to a family birthday dinner after work, and everyone kept saying how tired I looked and asking if I was okay. I guess one nice thing was that there were plenty of people around to help entertain J, so I just got to sit back and rest for a while. I have had a few more this afternoon, but they are still really irregular and they haven't been as strong as they were yesterday. It is so exciting to get to this point and know that Jumper really will be here soon, but it also makes me so nervous! I am getting nervous about the actual labor, but also the thought of having a newborn and J to take care. It makes me tired to just think about it.

Besides that, I am trying to just enjoy the last few weeks of this pregnancy and enjoy having time with just J. A few weeks ago, my mom watched J so that DH and I could get away over night...it was a much needed break, and I think everyone realized that it is going to be a long time before we get to do anything like that again. I also went with my family and took J up to a nearby lake for a picnic and walk. He LOVED being by the lake and looking at the water. After, I went out with my mom, sisters, cousin, and aunt for a girls night...pedicures and dinner. It was so nice!

For the most part, I feel like we are pretty prepared for Jumper, even though there are still some things that need to get purchased. I also really want to get my house nice and clean, but I just haven't seemed to have the energy to get it done these past few days. I know I need to just make myself do it while J is napping, but I really just want to take advantage of that quiet time and lay down myself...

35 Weeks 6 Day

2011-08-04T13:24:00.000-07:00

Wow, I can't believe I am already so close to 36 weeks! I still feel like time is going by really quickly, but I will admit that I am getting more ready for this little girl to make her appearance. I haven't been too nervous about her birth until just recently. Before, I always figured that it wasn't going to be a big deal because I already know what it is like to have a new baby, plus I still remember my OB rotations during school. Then, it hit me...this is going to be a lot different this time. This time, it is ME giving birth...this time, I will hopefully be breastfeeding, and that is a whole different ballgame compared to formula feeding. Needless to say, I am starting to feel a bit more nervous, especially since everyone loves to share their "worse case scenario" stories.

I went to my 36 week appointment today, and things are progressing really well. I am already 70% effaced and am almost dilated to a one. I guess that explains why I have been feeling a lot more pressure in my hips and tailbone lately. Plus, Jumper is head down, which is great news! The doctor said that at this point it is too soon to tell if I will make it to 40 weeks or end up going over, but I can only hope that things keep progressing as well as they have been.

It is kind of crazy to think that in *hopefully* less than a month, I am going to have two kids! Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine being in this situation a year ago. I know that life is going to be crazy busy, and it is definitely going to be interesting to care for a newborn while taking care of a 10 month old, but I know it will be worth it. I am just getting super excited to meet this little lady!

Reflecting

2011-07-27T11:19:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot about J's birthmother, K, recently. I don't know if it is because as Jumper's due date draws closer, I have been thinking a lot more about when J was born, but I'm not sure. We haven't heard from K since President's Day weekend. I continue to send her a monthly update and pictures, but I have no clue if she is still reading them. I often wonder how she is doing...is she happy? Is she able to spend time with her two children? Did she end up getting married in June like she was planning? Does she ever miss J and wonder what he is doing? Does she ever regret her decision to place him for adoption or wonder what he is like? In some ways, it surprises me that I am the one who misses having contact with K. When we first started the adoption process, I felt nervous about having contact with a birthmother, because I worried that it would make it seem like J wasn't "mine" or that she would interfere with me being his mom. Now, I wish that there was at least a little contact or some sort of closure so that I could share it with J when he gets older.

I will always be so thankful and indebted to K for the decision that she made to choose DH and me as J's family. I love that little boy so much and I can't imagine life without him. It is crazy to think that I ever wondered if I would bond with him or love him as my own, because now it feels like he has always been mine and I can't imagine loving his new sister any differently than I love him. I am such a firm believer in adoption and I truly believe that J was always supposed to be in my family; he just had to come a different way than most kids do. I am so thankful to be J's mother and for the happiness he brings to DH and me!

Nursery Pictures

2011-07-25T12:16:00.000-07:00

Well, it is still a work in progress, but I thought I would post a few pictures of the nursery. Since I started working on it, we have painted the walls, rearranged the furniture, and of course, added a second crib. I would still like to do some sort of wall art...possibly doing some vinyl lettering with their names to put over each crib and maybe some framed baby pictures, but I haven't decided for sure yet. I am also debating about getting curtains for the windows, but I have a feeling they will just end up getting played with and they aren't really needed since we already have the blinds up. I would love any suggestions!

This is J's crib. As you can see, he has gotten good use out of his bumper! He loves to stand up in his crib and jump up and down, so the bumper is totally squashed. It is hard to see, but his bedding has the striped bedskirt and the bumper has a bullseye pattern in coordinating colors.

This will be Jumper's bed. It is so crazy to see two cribs in this room and to know that soon it will be put to use!

This is the new glider/rocker that we bought. I had ideally wanted a big recliner, but we decided that it would not fit well in the room. The blanket that is slung over the back was my baby blanket that my great-grandmother made for me.

Here is the view looking into the room from the doorway...as you can see, it definitely needs something on the walls to spice things up!

Braxton Hicks?

2011-07-20T11:21:00.000-07:00

I have started getting what I think are braxton hicks contractions. The first time I noticed anything was last week. There were a couple of times when I got this uterine-type spasm. They only lasted a couple of seconds and then were gone. Since then, they have increased in frequency and length, although they definitely aren't regular or even a daily occurrence yet. The best way I can describe them is that they feel like a prickly/painful spasm that lasts 15 seconds or so. Sometimes I can feel them in my lower back, but usually it is just more of a uterine thing. I go see my doctor for my 34 week check-up tomorrow, so I figured I would just ask her then.

It is crazy to think that I am already to this point! I know I have said this before, but time is going by super fast. Overall, I am still feeling pretty good, but I have noticed that there have been a few more days, especially in the evening, when I am just more tired and "feeling pregnant" in general. I haven't been sleeping quite as well lately and I have noticed that my feet have been swelling more, especially in the last week or so. I am not at the point of wanting Jumper out of me yet because I feel miserable, but I am getting ready and super excited to just meet her and hold her. I am trying to enjoy these last few weeks, both for the sake of enjoying the pregnancy and also the fact that things will get SO much crazier once she arrives. It is still hard to fathom that we are going to have two little ones that are so close in age.

As far as preparations go, I feel like things are under control. I still need to buy a double stroller and a breast pump, but I kind of want to wait to buy the pump until after she is born...just to make sure that I am going to actually be able to use it! Yesterday, my mom and cousin told me that they want to give me a little shower, so I don't feel quite as compelled to keep buying all of the cute little girl clothes and accessories. The nursery is pretty much set-up, so I promise I will post some pictures soon!

J's New Cousin

2011-07-12T09:03:00.000-07:00

My SIL gave birth to a healthy baby girl last night. This is their second child and also my second niece. It is good to say that I am so happy and excited for them!

When DH told me that she had gone into labor yesterday, I thought a lot about how I felt the last time she had a baby. We were TTC and my m/c had been a few months earlier. I remember feeling devastated that I wasn't pg again...I was so sure that I would be by the time her shower came around, and if not then, at least by the time their baby was born. When their daughter was born a few years ago, I remember that I was at work, and I just started crying at my desk. Even though I was happy for them, it hurt so badly and I knew that I was so jealous of them and what I was missing out on. I hated having to "fake" it in front of everyone.

It feels good to have been able to move beyond that place; granted, I realize that I probably wouldn't be at the point I am now if it weren't for having J or Jumper. I think it is true that nothing will help you move beyond the pain of IF until you have your own child or can truly get to a point where you want to live child free. IF has been such a hard ride, but as I have said before, I know that I have learned so much from it and I also know that it has brought me so much closer to DH. Now, I have to admit that I probably wouldn't want it any other way, otherwise I probably wouldn't have J and I can't imagine life without him!

Too Good to be True? and Thoughts on IF

2011-07-08T11:16:00.000-07:00

Lately I have noticed that some of the old, familiar thoughts of "this has got to be too good to be true" have been creeping up on me. This pregnancy has been going very smoothly (not that I am complaining!), and I keep waiting for something to "happen". I went in for a routine appointment yesterday, and my OB said that everything is looking perfect. My weight gain is right where it should be, blood pressure is great, baby's growth is right on track, there is just nothing to be concerned about. I still feel like I have a decent amount of energy, I am sleeping well...I really have nothing to complain about right now. I guess it is the infertile mindset in me that is starting to doubt that this is all really happening to me and that there is bound to be something that comes along and screws it up.

I came to the conclusion a while ago that I will always consider myself part of the IF community and have at least some part of the IF mindset, so I am sure that is just manifesting itself now as I start to approach the end of my pregnancy. Also, on Sunday we had a BBQ with DH's family, and there was some discussion about how there are so many new grandchildren coming into the family - in addition to me, two of my SIL are expecting. My BIL made the comment of "wow, I guess we have a really fertile family". DH's stepmom then turned and said to me "Yeah, I bet everyone thinks you are really fertile now, so that is great". I didn't say anything back, but the comments really bothered me. I am proud of the unique way that my family has been created and the journey that it took to get here. Granted, IF has been painful and is not something I would necessarily choose to go through, but I also consider dealing with it to be a badge that I have earned and not something to be ashamed of. Maybe I wouldn't have said that a year ago, but I just don't want to minimize what I have been through, what I have learned, and how important my family is to me.

Vote for Us!!!

2011-07-05T16:48:00.000-07:00

I entered J into the Gerber Generation Photo Contest...the winner of each age level gets an Ipad 2, and the grand prize winner receives a $50,000 scholarship! I am trying to get as many votes for him as possible. Voting begins today and runs through July 31.

If you are on FB, PLEASE vote for him! You can vote once per day per FB account. You can click here for a direct link or here and search for him using his entry ID, which is 77850. Thanks so much for voting!!!

Finalized

2011-07-01T11:14:00.000-07:00

We were able to finalize J's adoption on Monday...such a great day! Everything went really smoothly. We were so fortunate to have DH's grandpa be our lawyer, so it made it even more special. Basically, our caseworker just got on the stand and testified about the process of our approval, placement, follow-up visits, and that she thought placement with us was in J's best interest. Then, DH and I testified together that we were willingly adopting J and were able to care for him.

Even though I have felt like J is mine and is part of our family for a long time, it is still nice to have him be officially ours. I know that he is part of our family, and for whatever reason, just had to come a different way. Now it is all legal, and he will always be mine!

I also got the final results of my biopsy on Monday, and everything is good! I have a benign fibroadenoma, which is what the doctor thought it would be. Such a relief to have the answers and not have to worry about it anymore!

30 Weeks!

2011-06-24T11:17:00.000-07:00

Wow, I can't believe I have made it to 30 weeks...time is going by WAY too fast, and I feel like there has been so much going on and so much to get done. I am still feeling really good. I have noticed that I get tired a lot easier, but besides that, I feel great.

I went in for my biopsy yesterday, and things seemed to have gone well. I saw the same doctor that I did last week, and he confirmed that he thinks the tumor is benign. He said that he has seen cancer in girls my age before, but none of their tumors looked like mine, and that he has seen tumors like mine before, but none were cancerous. He said that it just has all the hallmark signs of being benign, so that is a relief. The biopsy itself was very easy and painless. It only lasted a couple of minutes and I think that the most painful part was having so much pressure put on my boob (to stop the bleeding) after it was over. I should hopefully get the results on Monday, so then I will know for sure what is going on in there.

The baby preparations are coming along, but it seems like there is still a lot to get done. We need to buy a closet organizer before I can really start putting the nursery together, but at least it is painted and we have a crib. I will post pictures once it gets a little closer to being done. I also still need to buy a car seat and a double stroller. We are planning on having Jumper use the car seat that J has been using, so I just need to buy him a bigger one. I have slowly been buying "girl" items, like clothing, bibs, etc, but there is still a lot to get. I have just been trying to spread it out so that I am not having to pay for it all at once.

I tried to sign up for childbirth class, but the classes are all full! My doctor warned me that they fill up quickly, so I guess it is my own fault. I would have really liked to have taken a class, but I feel like I have a pretty good idea of what to expect. I did a few rotations of labor/delivery when I was in school, plus we saw J's birth, so I know what happens...it is just a matter of it happening to me! I also think it would have been helpful for DH to go to the class, but I think he is a little relieved that he is off the hook.

J is doing so great and is getting SO big. I started taking him to swim lessons this month, and he has absolutely loved it. Granted he is far off from being able to really swim, but I can tell that he is learning things and he just does so well in the water. He has also started crawling and he is always pulling himself up to a standing position and trying to walk. I have a feeling that he will be walking, even if it is just around furniture, by the time Jumper is born. The crawling is already making him so mobile, so I can only imagine how it is going to be when I am trying to keep track of him and care for a new baby. It should make life interesting, but I know that I wouldn't want it any other way.

Oh...and one of the most exciting things is that we are finalizing J's adoption on Monday!!! I am so excited! It kind of seems strange in some ways because he just feels like he is my kid, so why have to go through this process? It will be so nice to have it all taken care of and for him to legally be mine!

Benign!

2011-06-18T18:13:00.000-07:00

I feel like it has been forever since I have had a chance to blog lately, but I am so excited to report that it looks like my tumor is benign!

I was a little nervous about going to my u/s on Wednesday, but I also had a really peaceful feeling that everything was going to be okay. I had to hold back a few tears, but I kept going back to that peaceful feeling. The tech told me that she would do the u/s and then have the radiologist look at it. After he had a chance to look at it, he would come in and talk to me. I could definitely recognize the tumor as soon as it came up on the screen...it looked like a big black hole. The whole u/s only lasted a couple minutes, and then the tech left to go get the doctor.

Waiting for the doctor seemed to take forever! The tech eventually came back in and said that he had been caught up with another patient, which was why it was taking so long. As soon as the doctor did come in, I could tell that he had good news. He said that he could definitely tell that it was benign because of how smooth the edges looked. He did another quick u/s just to look at it again, and then said he is very confident that the tumor is one of two kinds: either a fibroadenoma or another type (I can't remember the name) that is common during pregnancy. Assuming it is one of these kinds, they are perfectly harmless and I don't need to have it removed. The doctor said there is a slight chance it could be another type of benign lump that has the potential to grow and become cancerous, so if that is the case, it will need to be removed. He recommended I have a biopsy done just to make sure we know what type it is, so I am going in on Thursday to have that done.

I called my mom after I left the appointment and told her what was going on and also to see if she could babysit J while I have my biopsy. She said that apparently my aunt and grandma both had benign lumps in their breasts, so maybe this just runs in the family?

It is such a relief to know what is going on and to know that things are going to be okay. Even if I do end up having to have the tumor removed, at least I know the odds are VERY good that it isn't cancerous and won't pose a problem to my health. I am so grateful that things are going to be okay and that I should be able to look forward to many more fun times and years with my family!!!

My Lady Lump

2011-06-10T11:21:00.000-07:00

I went in for my regular check-up yesterday, and Jumper seems to still be doing great. Everything seems to be right on track. My OB started talking with me about my plans for delivery and when to come to the hospital if I experience any changes. It is crazy to think that we are getting to that point...12 weeks is not that far away!

At the end of the appointment, I told my doctor about the lump I found. She did a thorough exam and agreed that there is definitely a lump there. She congratulated me on finding it because she said it is somewhat deep in the tissue. She does not think that it is related to my pregnancy, but is most likely benign due to my not showing any other symptoms/changes or having a family history of cancer. She gave me an order to go get a breast u/s done and said that they will tell me right after the u/s if I need to have it biopsied. I was able to get my u/s scheduled and am going in on Wednesday afternoon.

I am really relieved that my doctor listened to me and is taking the lump seriously, but to be honest, I am also really freaking out. I have been doing a lot of online reading, which helps in some ways, but makes it worse in others. I read that 70-80% of lumps found during pregnancy are not cancerous, but that still means that 20-30% are! My mind instantly jumps to worst-case scenario and I start thinking about what being diagnosed with cancer would mean for the rest of my pregnancy. Would I have to deliver early in order to start treatment? How would that affect Jumper? Then I start to think about how cruel it would be for me to finally get my family, only to have me taken away from them. I can't stand the thought of not being there for these kids, and just the thought of it makes me start crying. It hurts so much to think that there is even a slight possibility that maybe I wouldn't be there to see them grow up, that they wouldn't remember me, and that there could be some other woman in my place. I know I am getting way ahead of myself and I need to just wait and see what they find on Wednesday, but it is so hard not to worry.

I have also debated whether I should tell my mom what is going on. Right now, DH is the only other person who knows about the lump, and I have been putting on a brave face for him. I hesitate to talk to my mom because she has been under so much stress as it is, and I hate to add one more thing. My sister is still giving her grief and stressing out the family, plus my mom's parents aren't doing well. They live out of state, so my mom has been considering planning an emergency trip to go see them and help make sure their affairs are in order. I am sure that my mom would want to know what is going on, but part of me wants to wait until at least after Wednesday so that she doesn't have to deal with the added stress.

Aquarium Visit

2011-06-05T15:31:00.001-07:00

I took J to the aquarium with my family on Memorial Day. I had really been hoping to take him to the zoo, but since Utah had a record-breaking rainy May, the weather just wasn't cooperating. Although I think he is still a little young to really enjoy seeing everything, J loved looking at all the brightly colored fish. It was so fun to watch him stare at everything and just soak it all in.

The aquarium had a penguin exhibit, so we decided to compare J to the size of the different penguins. When I tried to show him the penguins that were swimming around, I think he was more interested in the water than in the actual penguins.

They had an area where you could touch some rays that were swimming around. For the most part, it was a little too deep for J to reach, but we were finally able to get one close enough that he was able to touch.

Staring at the fish...J's favorite were definitely the ones that were colorful.

All in all, it was a fun trip. I think that J will really enjoy it once he gets a little older (and we go when it isn't quite as crowded). I still really want to take him to the zoo, so hopefully we will be able to go sometime this month. I have a feeling that he will LOVE watching all the animals.

27 Weeks!

2011-06-03T14:36:00.000-07:00

I can’t believe I have already made it to 27 weeks! That means I am officially leaving the second trimester behind and moving into the final stage! For the most part, I still feel like things are moving so quickly. It is crazy to think that at the end of the summer, I will have this sweet baby girl in my arms. It has been sinking in more and more that she really is coming, and I am getting so excited to meet her.

I have started making more and more progress in getting things ready. I still don’t think that DH has realized all that we need to do. He always falls back to the fact that we were able to get ready for J so quickly, but I have to keep reminding him that we had a ton of showers after J was born, and I just don’t feel like we can plan on having that happen again this time. It has been really fun for me to be able to plan everything and start buying little girl things. So far, I have bought another crib, bedding set, and have started buying her some clothes. I also bought fabric so that I can make her a quilt. Some times it seems like it is easy to prepare for her since we already have J, but other times it seems like there is so much to buy!

I go in for my glucose/diabetes screening next week. I am not too concerned, so hopefully everything goes well. The one thing I am concerned about is that I found a lump on my breast a couple of weeks ago. I showed it to DH and he was able to feel it pretty easily, too. It hasn’t gone away and is maybe a little tender, but only if I am touching it a lot. I read in my WTE book that sometimes women will get lumps because their milk glands get clogged, but it also said that these lumps are usually tender and the surrounding areas are red. I know that chances are it is related to the pregnancy and will not end up being anything to worry about, but it still concerns me. What if it IS something to worry about??? What if after all this time I finally get my precious kids, only to have something else happen?

It is also time for DH and I to sign up for a childbirth class! I don’t think that DH is really looking forward to this – he keeps saying that he has already been through a childbirth, but I keep telling him that it will be much different now that I am the one having the baby. I have been trying to decide between the regular childbirth class and one that has a heavier focus on breathing techniques for people that are going naturally. I haven’t decided yet what I want; I have a feeling I will end up getting an epidural, but there is a small part of me that is considering going natural. I know the classes are filling up pretty quickly, so I need to make some sort of decision soon. I am kind of leaning towards just the normal class, but we’ll see…

Free Car Seat Cover

2011-05-29T21:34:00.000-07:00

Seven Slings/Udder Covers is giving away free car seat covers this summer! All you have to do is participate in a quick one question survey where you choose your favorite style, and then they will send you a promotional code once they are available.

All you have to do is:
1. Go to www.SevenSlings.com/index.php/carseat_canopy_poll.
2. Browse the styles and select the carseat canopy that you prefer over the rest.
3. Once you have made your selection you will be asked if you are sure. Select "OK" if you are
sure, and then type the email address you want them to send your promo code for "100% off" to- once they are in stock this August!

Precious Moment

2011-05-24T13:23:00.000-07:00

As I was snuggling J on the sofa this morning, I could feel Jumper start to move. I don't know if J could feel her or if it was just total coincidence, but he started wiggling down so that his face was closer to my stomach. He then reached out, started touching my belly, and then leaned down and kissed it! I know that he probably isn't old enough to really be doing that consciously and it was probably a coincidence, but it seriously melted my heart. I hope that he feels that way about his sister once she arrives and they grow up together!

Six Month Check-Up

2011-05-18T11:17:00.001-07:00

I took J in for his six month check-up yesterday, and he continues to do great! He is still tall and thin. He weighs 15 lbs 9 oz (13th percentile) and is 27.5" long (80th percentile). We have been joking at our house lately that he is training for the NBA because he loves to watch basketball, is so tall, and is always doing this abdominal workout...this kid has some seriously strong stomach muscles!

The pediatrician also cleared J to eat pretty much everything besides honey and whole milk, as long as he can handle the texture. That is great news for us because J absolutely loves to eat and will start trying to grab whatever you are eating away from you. Even if he just sees you put a mint in your mouth, he will start to fuss for it!

The only bad part from the appointment is that I have to take him to see a specialist at the children's hospital because he has a flat head. This is something that we had already noticed and been watching, but the pediatrician said that at this point we need to get it looked at. Depending on what the plastic surgeon says, J may have to wear a helmet for a while! Kind of sad, but I know it is all worth it if it prevents him from having a poorly shaped head when he gets older.

I can't believe how big J is getting and that he is already six months old. He sits up so well and is able to scoot around a little bit, although he doesn't do that too consistently yet. The doctor said that he will probably start crawling and pulling himself up soon, which just seems so crazy. I love watching him grow and learn and it is so fun to see his little personality emerge. I love that he recognizes me and gets excited when he sees me when I have been away for a little while. He is such a sweetheart, and I feel so fortunate to be his mom!

Catching Up!

2011-05-10T20:08:00.000-07:00

This post is going to be a bit random...lots of quick updates and thoughts.

First, I finally took a belly pic! I took it on Saturday, so it is me at 23w1d. It was kind of crazy for me to see the picture. Maybe that sounds weird, but sometimes I don't picture myself as being "that pregnant". Like maybe it hasn't sunk in still? Anyway, it is nice to see tangible proof that there really is a baby growing in there!

Mother's Day was amazing and definitely surreal. I had a lot of different thoughts and emotions that day. I feel like I had so much to be thankful for. I am so thankful to have J in my life and the opportunity I have to be his mom. I am also so thankful for Jumper and I can't wait to get to know her and be her mom. I also thought a lot about the past few Mothers Days. As I was sitting in church listening to the speakers talking about motherhood, I remembered all the pain and bitterness that I had felt before...everything that I thought had been buried was brought to the surface again. I almost started to get choked up remembering how hard it was and to feel like such an outsider. I think it made me really appreciate the day and my kids even more. I would like to hope that the pain of infertility will never allow me to take them and being a mom for granted. Sometimes it still doesn't seem real, but I am so thankful every day that it is!

I had my follow-up ultrasound today. This was the one that was scheduled because they weren't able to get all the measurements they needed of Jumper's head last time. This morning, I started to have a little bit of anxiety that something would be wrong...what if Jumper hadn't grown? What if there was no heartbeat? I suppose that the anxiety never goes away completely until the baby is born and is safely in your arms. Anyway, everything looked perfect during the ultrasound! Her growth is right on track and she weighs 1 lb, 5 oz. After the ultrasound, I decided to play a little joke on DH since he couldn't come with me. When I talked to him on the phone, I told DH that during the u/s they found out that Jumper was really a baby boy...not a girl! He totally bought it...he was silent on the other end of the line and then said that he was disappointed. I finally fessed up, but I thought it was a good joke!

I go for my routine appointment on Thursday, so it will be great to check in with Jumper twice this week!

As for the nursery, I ended up buying some bedding that is pink and brown. It is the same brand as J's crib set, so even though it doesn't really match, there are a few things that are similar. I figured that I will use chocolate as the mutual color, but besides that, I probably won't have a theme. I plan on printing some pictures of both kids to frame and hang on the walls, and finding a few other things to decorate. I will be sure to post pictures once I make more progress.

An Elopement and Some Pics

2011-05-05T14:30:00.000-07:00

I feel like it has been a while since I had time to post or blog! I will blame it on a combination of having a different work schedule this week and also finally having some beautiful weather to enjoy!

Well, my sister that I referenced a few weeks ago continues to have more drama. She broke off her engagement and got back together with her fiance several more times. Then, a week ago, she told my mom that she was going to run some "errands". My mom had a suspicion that my sister was lying, so she decided to search her room. Good thing she did, because she ended up getting married! My mom found a letter which basically informed the family that she had eloped. When my sister came home that night, my mom asked her about it, but she totally denied it. Finally, my mom got her to admit that they had gotten married the next day, but only because my sister was packing up her stuff to move out. I am glad that hopefully this will make things a little easier for my family and decrease some of the drama, but another part of me worries that this is just the beginning. Only time will tell...

Earlier this week, I invited my sister, mom, and MIL to come with J and me to enjoy something called the "Tulip Festival" which is held every year at a place near us called Thanksgiving Point Gardens. The flowers were beautiful, and everyone had a great time. I loved watching J, because he seemed so interested by everything. He was fascinated by the flowers and the bright colors, and I was able to get some really nice pictures.

Nursery Advice Needed

2011-04-29T11:55:00.000-07:00

I need some advice for what to do for the baby's nursery! As of right now, we are having Jumper share a room with J. My sister is living in our spare room and unless we get around to finishing our basement, there isn't another place to put her. Plus, the two kids are going to need so much of the same stuff, I figure that for right now, it makes sense for them to share.

Anyway, I didn't have an opportunity to do much decorating before we got J since we had such little notice. I bought this JJ Cole bedding set, and figured that I would actually decorate the nursery when things calmed down.

Well, then I found out that I was pg, and figured that it might be best to wait and decorate until I knew if we were having a boy or girl. I didn't think it made much sense to do a boy room if there was going to be a little lady joining us.

So now I am trying to figure out the best way to decorate. I really don't want to have to buy another crib set for J, but I am having a hard time figuring out/finding a good set that will go with it for Jumper. I think that J's set is a little too masculine to use for Jumper, but what do you guys think? Any suggestions? I have thought that maybe if I could find some bedding that matched, I could take the circle theme from J's bedding and do some vinyl art, but that is as far as I have gotten. I would LOVE any advice/suggestions that anyone has.

Easter Weekend

2011-04-26T14:32:00.000-07:00

We were able to get away for a little while over Easter weekend, and it was SO nice to enjoy some warmer temperatures and sunshine. My FIL and his wife invited us, DH's brother's family, and step-siblings to come down to southern Utah for the weekend. Having that many people around made things a little chaotic, but it was still good to get away.

Most of the activities that were planned were geared more towards the older kids, so on Saturday, we decided to take a driving tour of Zion's National Park. I was a little nervous about how J would do in the car because it ended up being quite a bit of driving, but he did great. He absolutely loved being outside and looking around.

On Sunday, J got to "participate" in his first Easter egg hunt. Good thing dad was there to help him! The hunt was right during his nap, so he wasn't too excited about what was going on, but he still was pretty happy. He "found" some new toys, and the Easter bunny brought him a new outfit, movie, and his first sippy cup!

Although it went by pretty fast, it was still good to get away. I loved being able to dress in my summer clothes and enjoy the sunshine. It was at least 20 degrees warmer where we were than back home, which was perfect!

Happy ICLW!

2011-04-21T07:09:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my blog! It has been a while since I participated in ICLW, but I am excited to be back in the action and hopefully meet some new blogging buddies. The past year, and especially the past six months, has been a huge whirlwind for me that have brought so many good changes. I COMPLETELY understand if you are struggling right now and don’t want to deal with a pg woman’s blog. But, if you want to get to know me better, here is my story in a nutshell:

About a year ago, I was diagnosed with a chromosome insertion. We were told that we could pursue IVF with PGD, but there was a chance we would not get any viable embryos. DH and I decided to pursue adoption instead of fertility treatments, and I am so glad that we did! We were approved for domestic adoption in August 2010. At that time, our agency told us that the average wait was about 18 months, so we were prepared to be patient for a while. However, we got a phone call on October 28 saying that a birth mother had chosen us to adopt her baby and that she was due within a week! Our son, J, was born November 8, 2010, and we couldn’t imagine life without him. Fast forward to December, and I noticed that I wasn’t feeling too well. DH convinced me to take a HPT, and it was positive! I was pretty skeptical at first, since I have been pg before and always had a m/c, but here we are…I am just about 21 weeks pg and we are expecting a little girl on September 2. We are definitely excited for our new addition, but feel a bit overwhelmed at having two kids that are ten months apart.

So, that is my story…I am so grateful to be where I am at right now. I will never forget the hard times and the bitterness that I felt, but now I have to say that I don’t know if I could imagine it being any other way. I am so grateful to be J’s mom and I am looking forward to seeing what happens next.

Cutting the Apron Strings

2011-04-20T11:16:00.001-07:00

When we first adopted J, we weren't really sure what to expect in the way of post-placement communication. When K first decided to place J, she wasn't even aware that open adoption was an option, let alone face-to-face visits or anything like that. DH and I told K that we were flexible and were willing to play things by ear based on what she wanted. We eventually settled into a pattern of me e-mailing her a picture and quick update once a week.

Our communication from K has never been very consistent, but we used to get e-mails from her once or twice a month. However, we haven't heard anything from her since we went to dinner with her over President's Day weekend. I know that is only two months ago, but if you figure that J is only five months old, that is a big chunk of his life! There have been a couple of times when I have asked her specific questions in my e-mails, such as wondering if J's biological dad was tall and thin (like J), but I haven't received a response.

In my last e-mail, I decided to ask K if she is okay with going to monthly e-mails, and I still haven't heard anything from her. It makes me wonder if she is even reading my e-mails anymore. I am glad that she seems to be moving on, but in some ways, it makes me a little sad for J. I feel bad that there will only be a little bit of information about K that we will be able to share with him, and that if things keep going the way they are, that he will never be able to meet her in person. At first I thought I would be grateful for a more closed adoption, but now I worry because I don't want J to feel bad about anything. I know that it will be up to DH and me to teach him about how he came to be part of our family, how much K loved him, and how special he is to us...I just feel bad that I don't think K will be as big of a part of that as I had originally thought.

Jumper is a...

2011-04-13T11:09:00.000-07:00

First, THANK YOU SO MUCH to everyone who left me those kind, encouraging words on my last post. It felt really good to be able to process my thoughts, and I really appreciate your support. That is one of the (many) reasons why I love this blogging community!

Anyway, we had our big anatomy ultrasound yesterday, and Jumper is a GIRL!!!! We are so excited! I had kind of had a feeling throughout my entire pregnancy that I was having a girl, but I knew that it wasn't for sure. As soon as the tech started the u/s, that was the very first thing that we saw...even DH and I could tell. She was positioned head down with her face toward my back, so it made it a little difficult for them to get all the measurements they wanted. Because of that, I get to go back in a few weeks for another u/s, but I am not complaining about that. Both the tech and the doctor said that everything looks great and I am still right on target for a September 2 due date.

Feeling Overwhelmed

2011-04-11T11:29:00.000-07:00

I have been debating over the past few days whether I wanted to write this post. I REALLY do not want to come across as being ungrateful, complaining, or selfish or anything like that, because that couldn't be further from the truth. I don't want to offend anyone by sharing my feelings, but at the same time, this is my blog, and I should be able to post what I want. With that said, please feel free to skip this post if you are having a hard time right now.

I have been feeling really overwhelmed for the past week or so. I feel like I need a break. I am sure that it is a combination of a lot of things...lack of a good night's sleep, pregnancy fatigue, all of the changes that are going on...it makes for a lot of stress! The thing is, I feel SO GUILTY about feeling overwhelmed, and that makes it even worse. All along, I have always said that I would be so grateful for the chance to be a mom or be pregnant, and that I wouldn't complain about it. It was like because it was something I wanted so badly for so long, I didn't have a right to complain. Now, I feel like it is hard for me to admit any fears or frustrations that I do have.

I love J so much, and I absolutely love and adore being his mom. I am so grateful that he was sent to our family. But I feel like I need a day off. I want a night when I can sleep through the night, sleep in, and then spend the entire day doing fun things that I want to do, while not worrying about if J needs me and knowing that someone else is taking good care of him. I love my days home with J, but man, it is hard work! I am sure that being pregnant doesn't make taking care of a baby any easier.

I am so excited to meet this new baby, but I am also terrified for what changes September is going to bring. I worry about adjusting from one baby to two, and how that is even going to work. I know that there are plenty of other people out there who do it everyday, but it still seems so overwhelming at times. I worry about how much time work will let me take off - I already took 9 weeks of FMLA when we adopted J. I also worry about being able to afford taking time off work. I used up all of my PTO and most of my sick time when I was home with J. I worry about childcare, especially if my sister decides that taking care of two babies is much more than she bargained for. I could always take the kids to the daycare at my work, but that is much more expensive than paying my sister. We are trying to save as much money as we can right now so that our savings will be a little more padded in the fall, but then that makes me feel guilty for spending money on myself for things that I need, like maternity clothes.

All of these worries and emotions just pile on together to where I feel like I just need a break. I need to take a deep breath and tell myself that things are going to be okay. I am trying to hard to enjoy this stage of my life, but it can be hard to just let go of all the worries. I know that part of it is also the weather. Maybe that sounds crazy, but I hate winter, and we have had so much snow lately! It has been to the point that I have looked for other jobs and houses across the country so that I can get away from these Utah winters.

I know that once I see that new baby and have both Jumper and J in my arms, it will all be worth it and that things WILL turn out...it is just getting there.

Random E-mail

2011-04-06T11:16:00.001-07:00

The other day I was checking my e-mail, I noticed that something had come from one of the websites DH and I had used to post our profile. I opened it up and was surprised to see that it was someone contacting us because they were interested in placing their child with us. The e-mail was from the father and basically said that his wife had died during childbirth. His child was now a year old and he realized that he wasn't able to keep taking care of her, so he was looking into adoption and saw our profile.

This struck me as odd for a couple of reasons. First, the e-mail seemed a little bit fishy. I know I shouldn't judge, but the grammar was horrible and something just seemed a little off. Second, I had requested that my account be cancelled and our profile be removed months ago. I headed over to the website, and sure enough, there is our profile for people to view. I contacted the website again, and now our profile should hopefully be removed.

I told DH about the e-mail and joked with him that we should call this guy...we could get done having all of our kids in less than a year! He didn't think it was too funny. :)

Faith and Infertility

2011-04-01T11:21:00.000-07:00

Every month, my church publishes a magazine called the Ensign. I was so excited to see that there was an article about infertility featured in the April issue, so I thought I would share it here. I liked how the article talked to real couples who shared their feelings and that they didn't all have these miracle endings where they magically got pregnant and never had a hard time again. The information they presented was real, and it is nice to know that my church is aware of this problem and wants to be supportive.

Here is a copy of the article. You can also check it out at this link.

Infertility can be heartbreaking. Four couples share how they maintained faith and hope.

Infertility: it was the last thing Brenda Horrocks ever expected to hear from her doctor. She and her husband, Brad, had been married for four years, and although she had experienced complications with her menstrual cycle from the time she was a teenager, doctors had told her and Brad that with “a little help,” they would be able to have a baby. “A little help turned into a lot of help,” Brenda says, and after multiple fertility treatments over several years, the Horrockses were told that the likelihood of their being able to conceive was extremely small.

Infertility is not uncommon—some 15 percent of couples in the United States have difficulty conceiving a child; 1 other countries throughout the world show similar figures. In 40 percent of instances, the wife is infertile. In another 40 percent, the problem rests with the husband. In 10 percent of cases, both are infertile, and in the remaining 10 percent, the cause is unknown. 2 In the context of the Church, where the family is celebrated as the fundamental unit of society, 3 not having children can be an especially difficult challenge.

Yet as Brad and Brenda and many others can attest, God does not leave His children alone in their trials. “Never give up,” Brad recommends. “There’s always hope. Heavenly Father always has something in store for us. We have found that over and over again.”

Here, the Horrockses and three other couples who have dealt with the challenges of infertility—Dave and Angie Belnap, Phil and Valerie Hochheiser, and Curtis and Melody Linton—share how they saw the Lord’s hand guiding them through their challenges.

Dealing with Grief

Brenda’s grief at the diagnosis was so overwhelming that she began questioning her mission in life, she says.

“I felt lost for a long time. I felt I had no purpose. That’s the ultimate goal, isn’t it, to get married and have a family? I still knew I was a daughter of God, but I hated that I couldn’t be a co-creator with Him. I felt broken, like I wasn’t a real woman.”

Brenda tried “swimming through” her grief for several months and even years. At one point, it became so severe that she felt prompted to seek professional counseling.

“I realized the grief was inhibiting my progression,” she says. She asked Heavenly Father to guide her in a search for the right counselor and began meeting with one who was able to offer the help Brenda needed.

“As I went to my appointments and continued to do my homework [usually assigned reading], my heart was being prepared for healing,” Brenda recalls. “Many of my fears and pains started to subside, and a new person was emerging.”

Brenda notes that while some well-meaning people tried to assist by suggesting what might be wrong with her or what she could try, that didn’t help. “I just needed people to buoy me up as I struggled and to acknowledge that what I was going through was difficult.”

Angie Belnap and her husband, Dave, learned after four years of marriage that they most likely wouldn’t be able to conceive. Angie recalls going through all of the stages of grief but finding herself returning over and over to the anger stage.

“I remember wondering how something that was so important in life could be denied me,” she says. “My feelings of hurt and what seemed to me to be spiritual abandonment manifested themselves through anger. I was very angry. Angry at myself. Angry at my husband. Angry at God.”

But Angie started working through her grief by focusing on aspects of her life she could control rather than on those she couldn’t. Angie, who worked as a third-grade teacher, looked for ways she could improve her skills at work. She also read a lot—“there was always a book on my nightstand,” she recalls—and pursued other self-improvement projects. “I couldn’t change the infertility, but I could progress in other areas of my life,” she says.

She also found it helpful to keep a journal. “I didn’t always feel that I could talk to people about what I was going through, but I could get my feelings ‘out there’ by writing them down. That helped a lot.”

Debunking Spiritual Myths

Angie’s husband, Dave, grew up with four sisters and two brothers and always expected to have a large family of his own. However, when years passed without any children for him and Angie, Dave began to wonder if it were a consequence of inadequate spirituality.

“We tried to stay positive,” Dave says, “but it was hard. I knew the importance of starting a family, but because we weren’t able to have biological children, I felt like I was being punished or short-changed.”

Like Dave, many people facing infertility look for the reason behind the struggle and sometimes blame themselves. Such thoughts and feelings can sting even more when others make well-intended but hurtful comments, often laced with misguided beliefs.

For instance, Melody Linton recalls sitting in testimony meeting and hearing new mothers say things like, “God trusted me enough to bless me with this baby.”

“I can understand why they said it,” Melody admits. “It’s a fair statement. But in my situation without a child, I couldn’t help but think, ‘God doesn’t trust me.’

“I don’t know that I felt angry at Heavenly Father, but I felt forsaken by Him,” she continues. “I felt so left out. Why were all these other women getting to experience pregnancy? I had tried to live my life worthily and do things I knew to be correct. So why wasn’t it happening for me?”

Eventually, Melody found solace in the writings of Elder Neal A. Maxwell (1926–2004) on adversity.

“The tables turned for me,” she says. “I began to think, ‘Why not me?’ I’m strong enough to handle this.” She knew that with the support of her husband, Curtis, and in the strength of the Lord, she could face her challenges.

Brenda points out that it’s important to continue to trust in the Lord, even when what is happening isn’t what we want. “For a while, I thought if I had enough faith, I would be cured,” she says. “But sometimes having faith means trusting in and listening to the Lord even when we are not cured. What we want won’t always match what He has planned for us.”

She recalls a Sunday School lesson in which a bishopric member shared an important message about faith—one she’s clung to ever since. He said, “When someone has an ailment or an illness and they are healed as the result of a blessing, their faith is being strengthened. But for those who aren’t healed but continue faithful, their faith is being perfected. The first is a faith-promoting experience. The second is faith-perfecting.”

Turning to—Not Away from—Each Other

Infertility can cause a lot of couples to reevaluate their plans for their lives and in some cases, their very relationships. When Curtis and Melody’s doctor suggested a particular fertility treatment—one of their last options—Melody was ready to move ahead, while Curtis had significant reservations. At this crossroads, Curtis recalls, he retreated deeper within himself and escaped by exercising and working more.

Melody, meanwhile, felt stagnant. “While we were trying different procedures, I felt productive and proactive, and that brought a tremendous sense of hope,” she says. “But when we were stalling and nothing was moving forward, that killed me.”

The couple had worked hard for years to encourage each other in their education, careers, and other interests. This had carried over into their infertility challenges as well, such as when Curtis went to doctor appointments with Melody or she supported him as he sought refuge in bike rides and other physical activity.

“Trying to support Melody is what had saved me through all of this,” he says. But as Melody sunk deeper into sadness, Curtis felt powerless in knowing how to help her. They were, it seemed, at an impasse.

That changed, Melody says, when she ultimately realized that they needed to be united as a couple. While she did not share her husband’s reservations about the proposed procedure, she could respect them. “One no meant two no’s,” she says. Together, they began exploring other options.

Phil and Valerie Hochheiser discovered that when the stresses of infertility were too much—especially because, like the Lintons, they came to stages of understanding at different times—they could find relief in focusing on their marriage.

For instance, varying the routine gave the couple something besides fertility testing and treatments to think about. Phil says it was helpful to break away by going to the movies or taking a walk. He and Valerie also “took a couple of trips to put everything behind us for a bit. Otherwise, infertility could have run our days and nights,” he says.

To further strengthen their relationship, the Hochheisers wrote each other notes, went on dates, made anniversaries or other dates special by splurging on a hotel room, made efforts to look attractive for each other, sent flowers, and started saying “I love you” more often. “It’s easy when you’re feeling depressed to let some of these areas slide—or to not try anything at all—but by making a conscious effort, we were able to handle things with a better sense of well-being and unity,” Valerie says.

Physical intimacy also played an important role, Valerie adds. “Intimacy in marriage has several ‘functions’—procreation, yes, but also bonding and unifying a couple in their marriage. Going through infertility reaffirmed in my mind the importance of intimacy in our marriage.”

That stronger marriage, in turn, brought blessings of its own.

“It helped me realize amid a lot of unknowns that I was really blessed to have a husband who is good to me, who loves me, and who was willing to work through this together,” Valerie says. “It didn’t mean that we got rid of the ups and downs. It didn’t mean that there weren’t times that were scary. But we’ve learned so much and grown much closer because of what we’ve been through.”

Serving Others

Phil and Valerie readily acknowledge that it took more than turning toward each other, important as that was. They also needed to turn outward to others in the healing process.

Valerie remembers finding joy in her service in the Young Women organization. Focusing on those she served helped her deal with her own challenges, and occasionally, she even found personal solutions in the process.

“I remember one particular lesson teaching about having an eternal perspective. We discussed how different our own view is from Heavenly Father’s. For some reason, that particular lesson—while I was in the middle of serving others—had a big impact on me. It helped me see a little bit more clearly that my struggles were only temporary ones.”

Phil, too, had significant experiences reaching out to others. He remembers finding—and later sharing—Alma 26:27: “Now when our hearts were depressed, and we were about to turn back, behold, the Lord comforted us, and said: Go amongst thy brethren, the Lamanites, and bear with patience thine afflictions, and I will give unto you success.”

“I identified with the ‘when our hearts were depressed,’ phrase,” says Phil. “Dealing with infertility is such an up-and-down cycle, and you feel that way a lot of the time. But I learned to ‘bear with patience’ my afflictions and, as Ammon and his brethren were instructed to do, serve others. So that’s what we did. We found ways to reach out to others and lift them up. We didn’t yet know what the ‘success’ would be, whether it would be pregnancy or adoption or something else, but we trusted that it would happen.”

Reaching Out to a Support Network

Because of infertility’s personal nature, some couples may decide not to talk about it with other people. The Hochheisers, for instance, waited until Valerie was about to undergo surgery before they brought it up to their families. “

It was hard for my family, my mom in particular, to have not been informed all along,” Valerie recalls. “She felt I hadn’t wanted to include her and let her be my support. But we were struggling to figure things out ourselves. It would have been really hard to answer questions when we weren’t yet sure what we were dealing with.” Moreover, they didn’t want to trouble others with their struggles.

Of course, people handle unexpected situations differently, Phil points out. “Later on, I realized the biggest help was having a strong support group outside of the two of us—people who could see the whole picture, or even someone who had been through what we were experiencing.”

Once they started talking to other people, Valerie and Phil realized they weren’t alone.

“There are people out there; there are support groups, both in person and online,” Phil concludes. “Look for help.”

Curtis and Melody found some of their greatest strength in such support groups, specifically Families Supporting Adoption through LDS Family Services. Although they were nervous about going to their first meeting, when they walked into the room, Melody says, “I saw in every woman’s eyes what I felt in my heart. I felt safe and knew that I could share what I was experiencing.”

“Within the support group,” Curtis adds, “we were Curtis and Melody dealing with this challenge of infertility, not infertility in the form of Curtis and Melody.” That realization, he says, was paramount.

“There’s nothing in the scriptures or anywhere in the gospel that teaches us to suffer in silence,” Curtis continues. “That’s a cultural thing. When you suffer in silence, you suffer more deeply. We went through periods where we were waiting for someone to take the first step to us. Be willing to approach others first. Share your story; you’ll find that others will often open up after that.”

Looking to the Lord

Eventually, the paths of the Belnaps, Hochheisers, Horrockses, and Lintons led them all to adoption. And while their children have brought great joy to each couple, healing, they say, comes from the Lord—not from adopting or conceiving.

“I finally realized that infertility wasn’t a punishment,” Angie says. “Once I was past the point of anger and bitterness, I was willing to hear the Spirit and receive direction about what we were supposed to do. Of course, that comes at different points for everyone. Infertility was my refiner’s fire. My faith was strengthened through those difficult years.”

“I had never really thought about adoption, but when Dave and I had been married almost five years, we moved into a ward where we met a couple who had adopted, and we started asking them questions and learning about the process. In receiving direction from the Lord that adoption was the path we were to pursue, I felt physical and spiritual weights lifted from my shoulders. The realization of God’s plan for our family gave me peace.”

“One of the gospel principles I’ve learned to appreciate through our experience is that Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us,” Dave adds. “Sometimes we get caught up in the one-size-fits-all mentality, and we feel that our lives should look like other people’s lives. But that’s really not true. Everyone has different trials, and Heavenly Father is aware of those. If we are humble enough to follow the plan He has for us, we’ll be happy.”

Valerie Hochheiser agrees that relying on and trusting in the Lord is crucial. “I learned that we had to do everything in our power but then ultimately turn it over to Him,” she says. “Sometimes that means letting Him tell us which direction to go. Other times it’s a matter of choosing a direction and letting Him confirm the decision.

“I think that was part of our learning process,” she continues. “I remember at one point telling Heavenly Father that we no longer knew what to pray for. We could pray for this to work or that to work, but mostly we just wanted to be ready for the blessings that Heavenly Father was ready to send us.”

Seeking Heavenly Father’s comfort and guidance will help us make the best decisions regardless of our circumstances.

“I have learned to trust in Him, to follow the Spirit, and to feel at peace because God’s plan is the one that will benefit me the most,” Brad says. “There’s more to life than we can imagine.”

Brenda agrees. “His gifts are the best gifts,” she says. “He loves us so much. What I would have planned for our life would pale in comparison to what He has given us. We need to trust and know that He will give to us immeasurably. What He has in mind for His children is better than anything we could ever design.”

For additional information on this topic see Ana Nelson Shaw, “Being Sensitive to Couples without Children,” Ensign, Aug. 2000, 61. You can also visit the Counseling and Resources section of ldsfamilyservices.org. For more from each of these couples—and others—on the topic of infertility, and for ideas for friends and family, please visit ensign.lds.org.

“I couldn’t change the infertility, but I could progress in other areas of my life. … I finally realized that infertility wasn’t a punishment. It was my refiner’s fire.” –Angie Belnap

“What I would have planned for our life would pale in comparison to what God has given us. What He has in mind for His children is better than anything we could ever design.” –Brenda Horrocks

We Have Movement!

2011-03-29T09:44:00.001-07:00

I started feeling Jumper move last week, and it has been the coolest feeling! At first I wasn't quite sure what I was feeling, but the more I have felt it, the more confident I am. Sometimes the movement feels like a light tickling sensation, other times it feels more like light tapping. I love feeling Jumper because it reminds me that there really is a baby in there, and that baby is alive and growing! I am excited for when DH will be able to feel Jumper move...I am sure it will mean a lot to him.

I was thinking that it is getting to where I should post a belly shot, but sometimes I think I just look more fat than pregnant. My sister assures me that is not the case, but I guess I just feel really self conscious. I am really excited to look pregnant and not just like I have grown a gut. I think that part of the problem is that I am not quite fitting into maternity clothes, but am definitely outgrowing normal shirts. I feel like I have been in this in-between phase for a long time.

Besides that, things are pretty much the same with us. J is doing great. He loves his baby food and he is becoming so much more mobile. He has been rolling a lot more and is getting really good at moving himself around in his baby walker. I just can't believe how big he is getting!

Utah Infertility Awareness

2011-03-28T11:44:00.001-07:00

I'm not sure if there is anyone who reads my blog that is in the Utah area, but Utah Infertility Awareness is planning their second annual infertility conference in April. I went last year, and I thought it was great to receive more information and support, plus they do a drawing for a ton of good prizes!

The conference is free and is scheduled for Saturday, April 30 from 9:00 - 12:00. You can visit their website for more details or to register.

Normal!

2011-03-25T11:53:00.000-07:00

I got a letter in the mail yesterday stating that my integrated screening came back NORMAL!!! What a relief! Even though I wasn't super concerned that there would be any problems, there was still part of me that worried, especially because of my chromosome insertion. It is so good to know that Jumper is healthy!

We have our big anatomy u/s on April 12...I can't wait to see Jumper again in a few weeks!

Also - thanks for the comments from my post about my sister. I just really needed to vent to someone outside of the situation. It was a huge help to me to get those frustrations off of my chest. I still am frustrated with her behavior, but at least I feel like I could deal with it better now.

Random Thoughts

2011-03-23T11:20:00.000-07:00

I feel like I haven't been the best blogger lately. I think it is probably a combination of not really having anything new to say, but also just being tired and not being online as much.

Things are still going well with the pregnancy. My biggest complaint right now is being tired, but that is definitely manageable. I can't believe that I am almost to 17 weeks! In some ways it seems like time has gone by slowly, but in others, I feel like it is going so fast! I know that September will be here before I know it. I don't think that it has completely kicked in yet that I am pregnant. I thought that it would once I started to get a belly or tell people, but it still seems surreal. Maybe once we find out what we are having or I feel the baby move regularly? Or once I really have to stop wearing my normal clothes? I am so grateful for this opportunity and I want to just soak it in and take advantage of it, but that is easier said than done when it doesn't even feel completely real. Maybe that sounds crazy, but that is my experience right now.

In other happenings, I am having a really hard time with one of my sisters right now. I have posted about her before...you can check them out here and here. Long story short, my sister (K) has a long history of being manipulative, lying, and stealing from my family. She has some mental health issues which are a huge contributor to these problems. She was engaged, but her fiance broke it off last week - most likely due to her lying and some other issues. Don't get me wrong, I am SO glad that she is not getting married; she just isn't ready at all, but I hate how my parents are responding. She has been able to manipulate the situation and take advantage of my parents. K's fiance had bought her a cell phone, car, and a puppy, and he took back all three once the wedding was off. I hate seeing how my parents (especially my mom) are willing to drop everything so that she has what she "needs", even though there are several very good reasons they had restricted those things before she even got engaged! I hate hearing how frustrated my siblings are that live at home because of what K puts them through. For example, my younger brother repeatedly asks me if he can move in with us, even if it means sleeping in our unfinished basement! Basically, I am just sick of seeing my family be taken advantage of because they can't tell K "no". I feel bad because I am the sibling that K gets along with best, but I am at the point of not even wanting to go to my family's house for fear that I will say something I will regret. I don't know what to do about the situation and I am not expecting anyone else to know either; I just needed a place to vent without having to worry about upsetting my family.

4 Month Check-Up

2011-03-16T11:27:00.000-07:00

I took J in for his 4 month check-up with the pediatrician yesterday, and everything went really well! He is still definitely tall and skinny. He is in the 75th percentile for his height, but only the 11th for his weight. The doctor said he isn't concerned about his weight because he has grown since his last check-up, but he did ask us if we knew anything about J's biological father. His thoughts right now is that J probably just inherited being tall and thin. We don't know anything about J's biological father. I have been thinking that I would ask K about it, but I get a little nervous since she hasn't shared anything at all about him with us. But I figured if I present it as the doctor wanting to know, it shouldn't be too bad.

Another good thing from the appointment is that the pediatrician said we could skip rice cereal and go straight to baby food. Apparently there are new guidelines from the American Academy of Pediatrics that discourage rice cereal because it has no nutritional value. I was so relieved since J has hated rice cereal, but has really liked baby food. Hopefully eating baby food more will help him gain some weight!

Besides that, not much is new with me. I have enjoyed having my news be public, but I have heard a lot of "that always happens when you adopt" or "and you thought you could never get pregnant" comments from people that I talk to. I have started just saying things like "That is what I hear" or "That's what people tell me" rather than going into all the details. I know they are just excited, but it still gets old and frustrating.

OB Appointment

2011-03-10T18:59:00.000-08:00

I had another OB appointment today, and things went great! I will admit it was a little strange to be going in and not having an u/s and being able to see Jumper, but I guess that it just a sign that things are progressing well. Like I said, the appointment went well. I was able to hear Jumper's heartbeat, and it was hovering right around 160 bpm. There was also another sound that we could hear through the doppler, and my OB said that is the sound of the baby moving. She said that based on the heartbeat, movement, and my measurements, it looks like things are right on track and everything looks great! One thing that did surprise me, though, is that I have apparently lost a pound since my last appointment...which means I am probably down about 4-5 pounds or so since getting pg. She didn't seem concerned about it yet, especially since I am just starting to get my appetite back within the past few weeks. I definitely don't feel like I have lost weight...some days I feel like I am running out of normal clothes to wear!

After my appointment, I decided to make the pregnancy news public via fb and our family blog. It seems like I am pretty much the only one out of my immediate family and DH who has been holding the news back. So far, I am pleasantly surprised to report that I haven't received any "that's what happens when you adopt" comments yet. It feels good to be 'out of the closet' and freely sharing the news!

Destined for Bitterness?

2011-03-07T11:21:00.000-08:00

I am starting to wonder if I will always harbor some level of bitterness for pg women who complain about their pregnancies.

I think I have mentioned this before, but I have a good friend who is pregnant with twins. She is two weeks farther along than me, and it took her about a year and a cycle of Clomid to get pg. So, she hasn't had the easiest journey, but obviously not the worst time, either. I have noticed that whenever my friend talks about her pregnancy, there is usually some element of complaining. I don't think she is necessarily doing it on purpose, and maybe she is just trying to be funny, but it still bothers me to some degree, especially since I know that she HATED it when our other friend constantly complained about her pregnancy last year.

I feel bad, but part of me does not look forward to spending time with her. I know that pregnancy isn't necessarily the easiest thing to live with, and I am sure it is harder with twins. It is still just hard for me to hear others complain about something that I am so thankful for. I wish I knew a nice way to say something to her about it, but I don't want to come across as being snarky.

Rice Cereal

2011-03-05T19:14:00.000-08:00

We decided that it was time for J to try rice cereal. He has definitely been very interested in food lately. If he sees someone eating, he instantly becomes interested in them and will try and find ways to taste whatever it is, even if it is just sucking on your finger. If he is taking his bottle and sees someone eating, he looses interest in the bottle. We figured that since he is about four months old, can sit up in his high chair, and is obviously interested in eating, it was time to introduce rice cereal.

J did really well at taking the spoon and swallowing the cereal, but he appears to be very disgusted by the taste.

As you can see from this picture, he started pulling some faces. He would still open his mouth to take more, but as soon as he realized the taste, he would look disgusted.

Today, I tried mixing a little bit of apple juice in with the rice cereal to see if that would help improve the flavor, but he still was not going for it. Hopefully we will be able to move on to baby food soon and he will find that to be a little more appealing!

13 Weeks!...and Sleepless Nights

2011-02-25T12:10:00.000-08:00

As of today, I am officially 13 weeks pg! It feels SO good to have made it this far and to be moving into the second trimester. I will not complain about leaving those first trimester symptoms behind! :)

So far, things seem to still be going well. I had to buy one of those belly bands because I only have one or two pairs of pants that will still button comfortably. I also noticed that many of my shirts have been starting to get snug. My friend recommended just ordering some shirts in a size bigger than what I normally wear, and that should tide me over until I am ready for maternity shirts. Silly me, I decided to just order some shirts and another pair of jeans from an online sale. I figured that since I was familiar with that brand of clothing and I was ordering a size that had always been too big, that I should be okay. Well, the clothes came in the mail, and the shirts either fit perfectly or on the verge of being too small! I won't get as much wear out of them as I had hoped. The jeans that I ordered fit perfectly around the waist, but are huge everywhere else. I am definitely NOT complaining because it is nice to know that the baby is growing, but I guess I didn't realize that I had grown that much.

Baby J is as cute as ever...I can't believe he is almost 4 months old! He is such a happy little guy. He recently discovered his feet, and he loves to play with them and roll over. I am pretty sure that he must be going through a growth spurt, though. He has been eating a ton more, plus he is no longer sleeping through the night. Before he would either sleep through the night, or at least sleep until 5:00 or 6:00, but go back to sleep as soon as he ate. Now, he gets up around 2:00 and will usually go back to sleep if you give him a pacifier. He then wakes up around 4:00 to eat, and then goes back to sleep. I know that isn't that bad, but it does make it hard when you are already so tired to begin with. DH is great at taking turns with me to get up with him, but I am looking forward to when he is sleeping for longer stretches again.

Ultrasound and Dinner

2011-02-20T20:51:00.000-08:00

I had the ultrasound for my integrated screening done on Thursday, and everything looked great! It was so great to see Jumper again. He/she seemed to be so much bigger in just the past week. We were able to get some really good profile pictures and also one where you could see Jumper's fingers. It really helped to make things seem more real and I am starting to realize more and more that this is actually happening and there is a baby growing inside of me.

I am starting to feel more comfortable with sharing the news...at least slowly. This has been a blessing for my mom and MIL because they have been bursting at the seams waiting to share. They admitted to me that they had shared it already with a few people, so I have learned that I better not share any news with them until I am ready for it to go public. I know that I am not ready to make the news official on FB or our family blog, but I don't know that I will purposefully hide it as much. There is some comfort in the fact that my mom and I have the same condition, and she never had a m/c this late. Hopefully this means that my risk is back to a normal level and things will keep progressing well.

Last night, DH, J, and I met up with K (J's birthmom) and her fiance for dinner. It was good to see her, catch up, and get to know her fiance. The dinner went really well. DH and I weren't too nervous to meet, but part of me did wonder if there would be any awkwardness. The conversation seemed to flow really well. It wasn't like we stayed and talked for a long time after dinner was over, but we still had things to talk about. K held J, and afterword, she said that she did not feel a connection to him like he was her son. Even though she still loves him, I think that seeing J with us helped cement in her mind that she made the right decision. That was a relief for me...I was a little nervous that seeing J might make things harder on K, but from what I could tell, it seemed to help. I am not sure how if/when K will want to see J again, but we told her that we are open to another meeting and would let K make that decision. K also brought gifts for us, which kind of took us by surprise, since we didn't bring anything for her. She gave J a "Curious George" book and stuffed animal, and then she gave DH and me life history journals and wrote us each really nice notes. We plan to give K a gift for mother's day, and I am sure we will at least send her a card or small gift when she gets married.

Anyway, that is all for now. I am looking forward to enjoying my long weekend with DH and J tomorrow...should be nice!

J's Birthmom

2011-02-15T17:51:00.000-08:00

When asked about our adoption, it seems that most of the questions have to do with J's birthmom, K. People wonder what she is like, how often we communicate with her, and how willing we are to have her in our lives (and J's) in the future. So, without going into too many personal details about K, I thought that I would answer some of our most commonly asked questions.

What is K Like/How Old is She/etc.?
K was 32 years old when J was born. She has two other children, and knew that she was not in a situation to be able to take care of an unplanned baby. She seems to be very kind and I believe that she has a very good heart. K has long, thick, curly, dark brown hair and green eyes.

How Often Do You Communicate?
Right now, we e-mail K once a week, and the e-mail includes a picture of J. I anticipate that we won't e-mail as often in the future, but we have told K that we are willing to go at her pace. In a way, it has been nice because it has made us take more pictures of J than we probably would have otherwise, plus the e-mails help us document his weekly changes. We also text occasionally.

How Do You Think K is Doing?
From what I can tell, K has her good days and her bad days. She occasionally will e-mail us back and will sometimes text me. She has told us about plans to go back to school, hobbies, and other things she does to keep herself busy. I think that there are definitely still hard days - she still loves J, and I doubt that ever goes away. However, she has told us several times that she does not regret her decision and she is very glad that J is part of our family.

How Will We Tell J about K?
We don't plan to keep adoption a secret from J. We plan to start reading him children adoption books when he is able to understand what he is hearing. K also has given J a few things, such as a book, stuffed animal, and a letter. We want J to know that he came to our family in a very special way, that it is nothing to be ashamed of, and the role that K played.

Will J ever meet K?
Yes! We are actually going to dinner with her this Saturday. When we first started the adoption journey, it seemed to strange to DH and me that we would have a relationship with our birthmom. We thought that it would be too intrusive and worried that she would try to take a place as a second mom. As we moved further and further into the process, and especially now that we have J and know K, we don't feel that way at all. There have been some people that have expressed their concern or that they just don't really agree with our decision. We have tried to explain that we are doing what we think is best for J and our family. We obviously would not agree to meet with K if we felt that it was not a good thing. We feel comfortable with K and we think it is important for us to have a positive relationship with her. Also, if seeing J occasionally is something that will help K heal and move on, then why would we want to stop that?

It has been interesting to here all of the different opinions that are out there about adoption, especially with how domestic adoptions have become so much more open. One thing that I have learned is to keep an open mind and to take people's thoughts and opinions with a grain of salt. As with any situation involving you and your family, you have to do what is best for YOU, and not what your family/friends/random people think is best. :)

Just Not Ready

2011-02-14T12:40:00.000-08:00

Now that we have had two u/s that show a healthy baby, DH is ready to start spreading the word. Problem is, I am not. He doesn’t understand my hesitation, and it is hard for me to explain it to him. He is looking at the situation logically, while I am looking at it emotionally. I know that if I had never gone through IF, I would be so ecstatic that I couldn’t wait to tell everyone our good news. After all, we have seen the heartbeat and the doctor said that everything is looking great and our risk has gone down significantly, so in his mind, why wait?

On Friday, DH told me that he has told his coworkers that we are expecting. I asked him why, and all he would say is that it started leaking out. I don’t know how it would start leaking out unless he was the one doing the leaking. Also, DH’s brother is living in Paraguay right now. My MIL must have e-mailed him with the news because in his e-mail to the family today, he said “I was so happy to hear the news about the new upcoming additions to the family! It’s going to be weird coming home to all these new kids in the family!”. This e-mail went out to all of DH’s extended family. They were aware that my SIL is pg, that my other SIL just had a m/c, so unless I am being overly sensitive, that points a big finger at me!

I know that I probably am just being overly sensitive about this, but I really just wanted to wait until the second trimester to really start saying anything. I feel so mush pressure from DH, my MIL, and my mom to start being more open, because they are all so confident that things are going to turn out. I keep joking that I am just going to start gaining weight and let everyone wonder what is going on, but part of me is serious about it. Maybe I just need to buck up, but I really am just not ready. I just wish that people IRL would understand that!

First Prenatal Appointment and Thoughts

2011-02-11T11:19:00.000-08:00

I had my first OB appointment yesterday afternoon...things got off to a rocky start, but everything turned out okay.

I was SO nervous for the appointment. I kept imagining how things were last time I went in for a prenatal appointment and there was no heartbeat. What made things worse was that DH found out a couple days ago that he wouldn't be able to come with me after all. He had a meeting with his boss that he couldn't get out of, so I was so nervous that I would have to go through a worse-case scenario by myself.

I had scheduled the first appointment after lunch so that my doctor would hopefully be on time and I could get in and out pretty quickly. When I was going to check in, the receptionist told me that my doctor was delivering a baby, so they would still have me come back and get checked in. Once I was back in the office, the nurse told me that the doctor was actually delivering TWO babies and that I had a couple options: I could either reschedule, or I could wait...but the wait would be at least 60-90 minutes. I told the nurse that I was pretty nervous because of my history, so I would rather just wait and get the appointment over with. About this same time, DH called me and said that his meeting was over, so there was a chance that he might be able to get to my appointment after all.

The staff settled me in one of the exam rooms and I waited for almost two hours. Fortunately, I had brought a book with me, so I was able to keep entertained! :) DH was able to make it to the office, and about 15 minutes later, the doctor arrived. She started doing the u/s, and at first I was kind of nervous because she said "There is definitely something there, but right now it just is shadowing". WTF? After a few adjustments, she said that she could see the heartbeat! We were able to see our baby, and he/she was super active. I think the baby has a new nickname, because it was seriously jumping up and down like crazy. So, for the sake of this blog, I think I will call the baby Jumper. Jumper was measuring at 10w6d, which is perfect according to my dates, but a couple of days behind where the last u/s measured. I am assuming that this is pretty normal, though...there is bound to be a little discrepancy when two different people are measuring and they are using two different pieces of equipment, right?

The rest of the appointment was pretty uneventful. We went over my history and my doctor gave me a big hug before we left. So now, I have the u/s for my integrated screening next Thursday and then my next OB appointment is in 4 weeks.

It is crazy to think that I am at this point...it still seems so surreal. Our parents are getting anxious to be able to tell people, but I just am not ready yet. Maybe after next week's u/s, but I don't know. Part of me is afraid that as soon as we go public, something bad will happen. Part of me hesitates because I am not looking forward to all of the "I knew you would get pg after you adopted" comments. I know that people mean well when they say that, but that is NOT the reason we adopted J. I would not ever change having J in my family, and adoption does not cause pregnancy. I have already had a few unintentionally hurtful comments, and I know that is a very small price to pay for having this baby, but I am still not looking forward to the others that are bound to come my way.

Start Talking About Infertility

2011-02-09T11:14:00.001-08:00

I got an e-mail from RESOLVE this morning that had a link to a great article on Infertility that appeared in the Huffington Post today. The article is called "Infertility" The Disease We Need to Start Talking About". I copied and pasted it here:

Silence might be golden in some circumstances, but in the case of infertility it has been downright destructive.

Recently RESOLVE, one of the only organizations dedicated to infertility, made a bold announcement on its website: "People with infertility are being ignored." I always knew that insurance coverage for treatments such as in vitro fertilization (IVF) is scant at best, and that many doctors still don't treat infertility as a major health issue. I've learned that blatant misconceptions persist when it comes to our reproductive health. And it's no secret that the media doesn't cover this subject as often as it should.

However, what I didn't realize is that infertility patients' reluctance to discuss their struggles and advocate for change is directly preventing those affected from getting the support and funding they deserve. As Barbara Collura, executive director of RESOLVE, explains, "Infertility is not being discussed in the general public health realm -- it's not taught in health classes, it's barely touched upon in medical schools, and it's not a priority of any government entity. Yet how can we expect health care providers, educators, our government, and insurance companies to pay attention to infertility when the patients themselves aren't even talking about it?"

Why the silence? People battling infertility are certainly not alone -- a staggering one in eight couples face it -- yet many feel like it is an extremely personal matter not to be shared with anyone but anonymous women and men on message boards. Some say they feel shame for not being able to procreate or for having faulty plumbing, so to speak. Also, in our somewhat still Puritanical society, we've been brought up to believe that sex is a private matter. Discussing it in some circles, even when it pertains to a medical condition, is taboo.

Of course, not everyone feels that way. For instance, while plenty of celebrities would never admit having gone through IVF (even when so many give birth to twins in their 40s), Giuliana Rancic has helped break the mold by publicly sharing her fertility battle via her reality show Giuliana & Bill. "We had signed on to do this show and when we started having trouble getting pregnant, we decided we were going to be honest and reveal what was really going on," says Rancic, who suffered a miscarriage last year after undergoing IVF treatments.

The result of her candidness was both surprising and inspiring. "I started getting up to 100 emails a day from people telling me that I helped them because hearing my story made them feel less alone and ashamed," Rancic explains. "I was shocked by the fact that so many people go through infertility because so few talk about it. And while experiencing it myself has been more difficult than I could have ever imagined, I've found there really is a comfort in numbers."

However, Rancic is still in the minority: It seems that for most men and women facing infertility, it's easier to deal with something so emotionally, physically, and financially draining without having to field questions and opinions from every well-meaning friend, co-worker, or family member. Such comments like "Just go on a vacation, relax, and you'll get pregnant," or "You can always adopt," are far too painful to even acknowledge, so people figure that by remaining silent they'll avoid opening themselves up to such commentary in the first place.

It doesn't help matters that there's no general consensus on how to label infertility. In 2009, the World Health Organization officially defined infertility as a disease. Yet many individuals, organizations, and insurance companies still say that having children is a lifestyle choice and that infertility is not a serious medical issue. Some even liken fertility treatments to cosmetic surgery. But ask the millions of couples desperately trying to get pregnant whether or not having children is a necessity. Why would they subject themselves to months or years of such turmoil if, to them, it weren't essential that they try?

Certainly, there are plenty of valid reasons while this secret exists, but it needs to end. Thirty years ago, breast cancer was where infertility is today -- women just didn't talk about it (a topic I touched upon in a recent blog post). There weren't countless support groups, fundraising walks, and an entire month enveloped in pink. Women battling breast cancer did so in silence and, in turn, many felt isolated and ignored. However, now because there is such an international dialogue about the disease, breast cancer receives multi-million-dollar grants each year in research funding and patients are inundated with an outpouring of support and understanding.

Other cancers, AIDS, and many other illnesses follow the same path from shame to global support and advocacy: Once people start talking about it, the awareness, funding, and answers follow. "The silence is one of the key reasons why the infertility movement is not where it should be," says Collura. "By people speaking out and letting the world know that these are real issues affecting real people, that would impact advocacy, public education, and public policy."

What will it take to bring infertility out of the closet, so to speak? Possibly it would help if more celebrities like Giuliana Rancic came forward and if the media started covering the topic more extensively (as SELF magazine did with a groundbreaking piece on the subject). Maybe we need thousands of infertility patients and advocates to come to Washington D.C. for their Advocacy Day on May 5th rather than a few hundred like in years past. Or perhaps we just need the domino effect -- once a few people experiencing infertility open up, more will follow suit.

I don't know what the magic ingredients are that will take infertility from an issue no one talks about to a banner "pink ribbon" type of cause. The bottom line is that far too many people are suffering. But by suffering in silence, the stigma persists and the advances we need to overcome infertility will never become a reality. As Collura points out, it starts with those struggling with infertility saying, "We matter."

And when they do, the rest of the world must start listening.

There were a lot of things in this article that really hit home with me. How many times have I, and so many others, avoided talking about IF? How many times have I wished there was more media coverage about IF, but done nothing about it? I realize that IF is very private, but it really makes me wonder what changes could happen if that wasn't the case. I'm not saying that everyone needs to come out of the IF closet or spend all their time campaigning about IF...I just wonder if there was a little more talk or a little more effort, if things would eventually change.

Unfortunately, there were quite a few negative and insensitive comments posted after the article. Some people are so convinced that IF is not a health issue; simply a lifestyle choice and that it is nature's way of weeding out the population. Of course, these are the people that don't have any experience with IF...it just goes to show how much more education and coverage about IF is needed!

Never Been Here Before!

2011-02-04T11:25:00.000-08:00

Well folks, I have officially made it past my "farthest along I've ever been" date. It feels good to have officially made it to 10 weeks, but I am still pretty nervous for next week's ultrasound. I don't feel like any of my pg symptoms have let up, but I am still nervous that I will get bad news at my appointment. This whole experience seems surreal and like it is too good to be true. Sometimes I have these thoughts of "Is there really a baby inside of me"? I hear that is pretty normal, and to be honest, I don't know when they will go away. Maybe once I start having a belly or feeling the baby move? I went to lunch with a good friend yesterday who is pg after IF. She is 18 weeks along, and she talked about how she still has doubts that things are turning out, so I guess this is just what IF does to you.

I was finally able to get in touch with my genetic counselor earlier this week. She said that based on my mom's history (she has the same chromosome issue as me), that she DOES NOT think that our baby is at increased risk for birth defects. That is what her partner had mentioned when we met with her last August, but it was still good to hear again. We decided to schedule one test (I don't remember what it is called), but it will give me an extra ultrasound, which I am definitely happy about.

In other news, we finally have a court date set to finalize J's adoption! It isn't until June 27, so we still have a while to wait, but I am so excited to have something on the calendar.

Nerves

2011-01-27T17:59:00.000-08:00

I have had a little case of the nerves lately...it isn't that anything is going wrong; it is the day that I am approaching. It was two years ago today that I found out that our baby did not have a heartbeat. I was 9w 4d, which is just a little further ahead than I am now. Based on the last u/s, I am 9w 1 d, or if you go by my LMP, I will be 9 weeks tomorrow. How ironic is it that my dates are so close, and at the same time of year?

I definitely feel like things are going better than they did two years ago. I have been feeling more sick and I have noticed that I am getting a little "fuller" in my lower abdomen. It isn't anything that anybody but me would notice, but I know that wasn't there last time. I just get nervous that history will repeat itself. Added to that is that I don't go see my OB until February 10, which seems like a lifetime away! My RE didn't want to schedule any other appointments with me because he wanted me to f/u with the genetic counselor. I contacted the counselor, but the response has been slow. She finally called me back last Friday at 4:30, but I missed the call. I called her back and have yet to hear anything from her. At this rate, I will have my normal OB appointment before I ever get to even meet with her!

Update on Baby J

2011-01-25T15:06:00.001-08:00

I can't believe how big J is getting! He is such a fun and sweet little guy...I am so grateful to be his mom! We moved J into his own room on Saturday. Up until then, he had been sleeping in our room in a bassinet. We decided that all three of us would sleep better if he moved into his own crib in his own room, and so far he has done great! I love waking up in the morning to hear him cooing over the baby monitor.

DH and I took J in for his scheduled well-baby appointment this afternoon. We were a little nervous about how he would do, since this is the appointment where they get a bunch of vaccinations. Our little guy did great! He currently weighs 11 lbs, 15 oz (34 percentile), is 24.25" long (77 percentile), and has a head circumference of 40.5cm (44 percentile). So basically, we have a long and lean little boy! When it was time for his vaccinations, they gave him one oral medication and three shots. He started crying with the shots, but he seriously stopped as soon as I picked him up. The nurse was surprised at how mellow he was...what kid does that? He was back to normal by the time we left the office. I am so grateful to have such a happy baby, but it does make me nervous that the next one will be a terror! :)

Blog Award!

2011-01-23T13:49:00.000-08:00

Thanks so much to Michelle at All in God's Time for nominating me for this award!

The rules for accepting this award are:
1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 other bloggers.
4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award.

Here are seven things about me:

When DH and I first became friends, he wanted to start dating right away. I wasn't interested and kept pushing him away...I eventually came around and gave him a chance after about nine months.
I used to never watch reality shows, but now they are my guilty pleasures. I love to watch The Batchelor, Kendra, Kardashians, and America's Next Top Model.
Despite living in Utah and growing up minutes from "the greatest snow on earth", I absolutely hate the cold and winter sports. If I had it my way, I would live somewhere green, humid, and near the ocean.
I love to watch classic Disney movies. Some of my favorites are "Alice in Wonderland", "Snow White", and "Sleeping Beauty".
I love to decorate my house for the holidays throughout the year...in fact, I think I will get my Valentine decorations out today!
I have a huge fear or snakes, and will not even walk by them when they are in their cages.
I have been playing the piano since I was five years old, and one day I would like to compose music.

15 Bloggers that I nominate are:

Katie at From If to When
Al at Mission: Motherhood
Joyful Hope
Kakunna at Spermination Station
Anxious Mummy
Junebug at Junebug's Musings
Angie at Random Thoughts from Angie
Jenna at Among the Blossoms
Lindsay at Waiting for that Positive
Pez at Giving up a Dream
Ashlee at Savor the Moment
Andrea at Waiting for our Baby
Hope at Invisible Mother
Jennifer at Thoughts from a Blonde
Kelly at The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow

Happy ICLW!

2011-01-20T19:57:00.001-08:00

Happy ICLW! I am excited to participate again this month...I took a little while off because I didn't feel like I was able to spend the time blogging that I would have needed to.

So much has changed for me during the past year...and to be honest, I sometimes feel like life is too good to be true. I totally understand if you don't want to read this post because you are having a hard time. If I had come across this a few months ago, I am sure I would have had to pass it by.

About a year ago, I made the decision to go against my OB's recommendations and start seeing an RE. I am SO glad that I did...he was able to diagnose me with a chromosome insertion, which totally impacted our decisions about how DH and I were going to become parents. In June, we started meeting with an adoption agency and were approved to adopt by August. The agency told us that the average wait time was about 18 months, so we were all set to spend quite a bit more time as just a family of two. On October 28, we got a call from our caseworker saying that we had been chosen by a birthmom to adopt her baby! Our son was born on November 8, and he has been the greatest blessing in our lives. We love J SO much! Then, on December 23, I found out that I was pregnant! I didn't get my hopes up because the RE had said that there was a 2:3 chance that I would have a m/c anytime I got KU, but we were able to see our baby's heartbeat last week. I am now 8 weeks pg and am starting to feel cautiously optimistic.

So, that is me in a nutshell. Life is good, and I am so grateful for everything that has happened to my family...if you had told me what was going to happen to me a year ago, I wouldn't have believed you. :)

Spreading the News

2011-01-19T11:26:00.000-08:00

DH and I have slowly started spreading the news. I still want to keep it pretty quiet, but since we have seen a heartbeat, DH isn't too concerned about keeping it to ourselves.

Prior to my ultrasound, I told my two closest friends and my boss. I told my friends so that I would have someone IRL to talk to in case things didn't go well, and I told my boss in case I needed to take a few more days off of work, even though I was just barely back from my maternity leave. I told everyone to keep it quiet, with the exception of my friends being able to tell their husbands. I had also told my sister that is living with us, since that would have been kind of hard to keep quiet.

Anyway, the day after our u/s, my FIL came over to bring us dinner and play with J. We had our u/s picture hanging up on the magnet board, and I forgot to take it down before he came over. He didn't notice it up there, so DH asked me if it would be okay to tell his dad since he was already over there. I agreed, so now my FIL and his wife know...they are both super excited and have agreed to not tell anyone else. I figure that since my FIL knows, my parents and my MIL have a right to know as well. After all, if I had a m/c at this point, we would tell them anyway, right? It is my mom's 50th birthday this week, so we plan to tell her when we get together to celebrate her birthday. We also have a family dinner on Sunday with my MIL, so I think we will tell her then. At that point, I will be at 8 weeks...it is earlier than I was originally planning to share, but I think I am okay with it.

However, I have one concern...my SIL just had a m/c last week. Both of my SIL announced that they were pg on Christmas: one is with her second baby, and the other is an oops pg with her boyfriend. It is the SIL with the oops pg who had the m/c. She has said that she knows it is for the best because she wasn't ready to care for a baby and was actually considering adoption, but I know it is still hard on her. Our due dates would have been within days of each other, so I want to be empathetic to her feelings and not make her feel worse.

As for telling friends...DH and I spend a lot of time with a group of friends, which consists of four other couples. Two couples had babies last year after getting KU really easily, one couple has been TTC for almost 2 years (has yet to go to the Dr. to find out what is going on), and the other couple just found out they are having twins. So right now, there is just the one couple that doesn't have kids or have a baby on the way. Two of the couples were the ones that I had told about being pg prior to the u/s. When we were hanging out with our friends over the weekend, one of the guys accidentally outed us to one of the couples that didn't know. So, the only other couple in our group of friends that doesn't know is the one that has been having a hard time TTC. I have been really reluctant to tell her (C), because I have a feeling that she is going to take it really hard. She still hasn't really started talking to me again since we adopted J. I feel like I need to tell her so that she doesn't feel bad for being the only one that doesn't know, but I am just worried how she will take the news. I don't necessarily want to wait until I am in my second trimester, only for her to find out that everyone else knew weeks ago. I think it is better to just get it over with; I would want to know if the situation were reversed. I can understand how hard it is to be in that situation, but at the same time, we all get frustrated with her because she won't go to the doctor.

Anyway, I think that is all that is new with me right now. I am still feeling the first tri symptoms, but in a way, they are reassuring to me. Baby J is doing great - I will need to post some updated pictures - and I love being able to spend time with him.

One Week Down

2011-01-14T11:46:00.001-08:00

Well, I must admit that my first week back to work wasn't too bad. I did shed a few tears when I had to leave J on Monday, but it wasn't anything too crazy. I think that it has helped that I am working Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, so I still get to spend every other day home with J. He is such a sweet and well-tempered baby, so it isn't like I feel a need for a break or anything like that. J is growing and developing so much right now, so I worry that I will miss something. For example, he is so close to laughing - we got him laughing a little bit last night, but what if when he really begins laughing, it is with my sister?

I am also hoping that I will be able to blog more now that I am back at work. I used to do most of my blogging on my lunch break, so maybe I can get into a good rhythm again and try to stay caught up with what is going on with everyone.

I feel like the first tri symptoms have definitely kicked in more - and I am NOT complaining. There has been much more nausea, a little bit of vomiting, and more fatigue. DH keeps telling me that I should complain to him, but I don't feel like I can. It isn't that I don't think he will listen or sympathize. It's the fact that I have been wanting to get pregnant for over two years and I have always said that I would be so grateful to be sick if that is what it took to have a baby. I still feel that way. I am SO grateful for this opportunity and I pray that it will last and this baby will keep growing and be healthy. And if being sick for a while is what it takes, then I will do it with a smile. I do worry that I can't make the most of the time I do have with J because I feel so tired or nauseas. I know that he won't remember and can't understand what is going on, but I just don't want him to miss out on anything, either.

We Saw the Heartbeat!

2011-01-11T12:53:00.000-08:00

Today's appointment went perfect! I was SO nervous - I had pretty much convinced myself that things weren't going to work out. And then the more I dwelled on it, the more I kept imagining that I was cramping and having less pregnancy symptoms. So when I was waiting at the office, I was so nervous I seriously thought that I was going to be sick. I grabbed some kleenex while we were waiting for the doctor to come in and just prepared for getting bad news.

Once the doctor started the ultrasound, he could immediately see the baby. He showed us the heartbeat and it was so amazing to see it flickering on the screen and then to hear it beating. He said that the ultrasound looked perfect! The baby is measuring at 6 weeks, 6 days, which is a little ahead of what I thought I was at. It was seriously the most amazing thing to see. The only other time that I was far along enough to have an ultrasound, we only had bad news - I thought I was ten weeks, but the baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks, 3 days.

Our doctor recommended that we get back in touch with the genetic counselor again. She will review some testing options to see if there is any additional tests we want to do to make sure there are no birth defects. Even though they think that the problem with my chromosomes would lead to miscarriage over a birth defect, we are still at an increased risk.

I feel SO relieved that everything went okay. I know that we aren't out of the woods yet, but it feels good to be this far. DH really wants to tell our families, and I guess I am okay with it. We have told a few close friends, and we told my sister that is living with us. I guess at this point, we would want them to know if things changed and we had a miscarriage, so maybe we might as well tell them now? We'll see...

Back to Work

2011-01-09T16:53:00.000-08:00

I am headed back to my first day of work since J was born tomorrow. I will admit that a (very small) part of me has missed my job, but I definitely am wishing that I didn't have to go back. The bright spot is that I will only be working 3 days a week, so at least I will be home a little bit with J. Everyone has warned me that I should fully expect to be in tears when I go in, so we'll see what happens.

My sister moved in with us last weekend, and she is going to be watching J while I am working. We are going to be paying her a little, plus she is getting free room and board. We figured that we would rather have family watch J than have to place him in daycare. My sister is wonderful with kids and has worked as a private duty nanny and as a daycare teacher for a while, so I trust her completely. I just wish that it was me that got to spend the time with him. What if he starts to confuse us? Or thinks that we are the same person? What if he becomes more attached to my sister than he does to me?

I also have the ultrasound looming ahead on Tuesday. Part of me feels very comfortable and confident that things are going to go well, and the other part of me is a nervous wreck. DH is still trying to figure out if he will be able to leave work to come with me. I asked my sister to watch J, since the RE's office doesn't allow you to bring your babies. She doesn't know why she is watching him, just that I have a doctor's appointment to go to. We figured that if everything goes well at the appointment, we will tell her what is going on, since she is living with us.

So, wish me luck as I return to work tomorrow and try to keep my hopes up for Tuesday!

Quick Update

2011-01-04T09:51:00.000-08:00

First, thank you so much to everyone for your encouraging words. It helps a lot to remember that I am not alone and that there are others who are experiencing the same emotions as me!

Things are going well. The doctor's office contacted me yesterday to say that they think my numbers look great, and I scheduled an ultrasound for next Tuesday...so hopefully in one week, we will get to see a heartbeat! This morning, my doctor called me to say that he has been reviewing my chart and was excited to hear that I am pregnant. He said that if we see a heartbeat next week, that should hopefully be a good sign that the baby is growing and won't be affected by the chromosome insertion, although he can't say for certain. It meant a lot to me that my doctor would call me himself.

This past weekend was very nice and relaxing. We headed down to St. George to spend some time with family for the new year weekend. My FIL and his wife were there, and they absolutely doted over J. The weekend was very mellow and low-key, but I think it was just what I needed to take my mind off of things. Although I don't feel totally confident that things are going to work out, I definitely feel less paranoid.

Doom and Gloom

2010-12-30T11:17:00.000-08:00

Sorry, I know this is a bit of a "pity party" post, but I don't know why I have this feeling of doom and gloom today. I know that I should be so happy right now. I keep telling myself that I need to be positive, because who knows what will happen with my pg and our little bean. I guess I am just preparing myself for the worst case scenario. I know that it isn't wise for me to get my hopes up too high, because the odds aren't good for someone in my situation. I know that at this point, I can't control what happens; I just need to try and relax and enjoy the ride. But instead, I feel like crying.

It's not like I necessarily feel any different. And I don't think that my labs were really that bad. From the reading I have done online, your betas are supposed to double every 48-72 hours, so I figure mine have got to be okay. I just feel really sad and worried for some reason.

I think that a big part of it is fear. I am so afraid that things aren't going to work out. I absolutely love J so much, but now that I know about this baby, I want it to make it! I am afraid that it is going to be too emotionally hard and painful if I have another m/c. I have one SIL who is due with baby #2 in July, my SIL with the unplanned pg who is due right around the same time as me...plus, I just found out that my good friend is due with twins this summer. I am SO happy for her; she has been trying to have a baby for over a year, and all she has had to show for it up until now was an ectopic pregnancy. It just hurts to know that even though I am pg now, there is such a risk that I won't be for long and that my body can't do something that should be so naturally. I want to be able to be excited with my family and friends, and anticipate the baby that should be coming to our family. I don't want to have to sit and listen in hurt silence while my SILs talk about their growing bellies and anticipate their baby plans. Why is it that one person's joy becomes someone else's trial and sorrow?

I think that perhaps another small reason why I am feeling a little down is that we decided to cancel our Af.lac today. We have been paying on this for a couple years, with the hopes that I would get pg and would get "paid" to have a baby. Earlier this year, we decided that it wasn't worth the monthly expense and we would cancel our plan when open enrollment occurred at the end of the year. When I found out I was pg last week, we started debating again about whether we should keep the plan. We ended up deciding to cancel the plan because we figured that the risk of paying for another year of the plan and not getting anything in return was greater than the possibility of me having a baby. We decided that it would make more sense to just start paying ourselves and saving the money rather than paying Af.lac.

Anyway, I am sorry for such a gloomy post. Part of me wants to confide to one of my IRL friends about what is going on so that I have someone to talk to, especially if things don't work out. I just don't know who it would be. And what would I say? Guess what...I am pg, but I am so scared that it isn't going to work out, that I am becoming a paranoid, emotional psycho? I know that I just need to relax and let whatever happens happen. I am just scared. Scared to lose the baby, and scared to deal with the pain of seeing those who have not lost. Scared to return to that bitter person that I have finally been growing away from.

1459

2010-12-30T09:43:00.000-08:00

Yesterday's lab result was 1459. This is slightly less than double of Monday's result of 767. I am not sure if this is okay or not....my doctor's office is closed until Monday! The only reason I know the result is my insurance has a website where you can look up your medical records online. In anyone's experience, does this number look okay?

I hate having to wait until Monday to hear anything from the doctor...I am getting ready for another long weekend! At least DH, J, and I are planning on heading down to southern Utah to spend some time with his dad, so hopefully that will help make the weekend go by a little bit faster. :)

Game Plan

2010-12-28T15:49:00.000-08:00

I heard back from the RE's office yesterday morning and he ordered a Bhcg for yesterday and another one for tomorrow. The sent me an e-mail this morning saying that yesterday's labs looked great and my number was 767. So, I will go back tomorrow afternoon in the hopes that they have doubled since Monday.

Assuming that nothing changes between now and then, I will go in for a viability scan just after six weeks. I know that is only a couple weeks away, but it seems like such a long time to wait!

TMI alert: I know this is normal to experience, but I have this clear discharge and it always freaks me out because I am afraid that I am spotting. A trip to the bathroom reveals that I am just being paranoid. I also almost always feel like I need to pee, even if I just barely went, and it almost makes me feel like I have cramps. I know that I just need to relax and enjoy this for however long it lasts, but it is so hard not to be nervous. This probably sounds a little crazy, but I am GRATEFUL for the pg symptoms that I have been feeling, because it is a good reminder that there is a baby growing inside me. I haven't had any symptoms that have been too awful: my boobs are definitely tender, plus the frequent urination that I mentioned, and some transient nausea and fatigue.

Hopefully I can get some good news tomorrow that will help me relax a little bit more!

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-26T19:24:00.001-08:00

Merry Christmas! We had such a great time spending Christmas with our family. It was wonderful to have J with us for Christmas...I don't think I would have done well otherwise. There were two pregnancy announcements...one was the one that I suspected: DH's brother and his wife are expecting their second baby and are due in July. My other SIL also announced that she is 4 weeks pg. This was a very unexpected baby, and she is deciding whether she will keep it once it is born or go the adoption route. After the first announcement, it was really funny because everyone was asking my BIL and SIL how they could keep the secret for so long (she is 12 weeks), and DH and I were just laughing to ourselves about the secret we had!

Here are a couple pictures of our day. This first one was right before we went home at the end of the night, and you can see how tired we are. I love the one of J in his Santa hat!

I am SO glad that tomorrow is Monday and the RE's office will be open. I have seriously been such a nervous wreck. I analyze every little symptom, and I keep checking for spotting whenever I use the restroom. Sorry if that is TMI, but that is just the way it is. I keep thinking that I am feeling some cramps, but it is always just that I need to pee again. I know that there isn't anything I can do to control the outcome, but I still feel so nervous that something is going to happen and I will be crushed.

I think that the news is starting to sink in. I was definitely in shock at first, but now I am so excited, even if it is a nervous excitement. I REALLY want this to work. I know that things will be crazy at first, but I want this baby so badly. I was a little nervous when I told DH, but he is excited too. I hope that my doctor calls first thing in the morning tomorrow so that I can feel like things are moving forward. Also, thank you so much to everyone for your support. I know that it is not fun to receive a surprise pg announcement, especially this time of year. I am sure taht it doesn't help that we were just blessed to adopt J, so we will *hopefully* have two babies so close.

Please Stay Quiet!

2010-12-23T12:53:00.000-08:00

Also...just in case you know me IRL or on FB...please keep my news a secret! I am sure we will be waiting quite a while before we are ready to share anything!

One of "Those" Girls?!?!

2010-12-23T11:25:00.001-08:00

I think that I jinxed myself in my last post.

For the past few days, DH has been teasing me that he thinks I am pregnant. He said, "you have to be pregnant because you have been so ornery and have been feeling sick". My reply - "I doubt it! If we can't have a baby when trying and timing, why now?" I will admit to not feeling quite myself lately - there has been some nausea and fatigue, but I just attributed it to the holiday season and having a new baby. But, after DH's insistence and not really feeling any AF symptoms, I decided to buy a pg test today. And it was positive. Apparently, I am one of "those" girls who gets KU after adopting?!?!

I know that I am FAR from being out of the woods and a long way from another baby. My RE has said that any pg I have has a 2/3 chance of miscarriage, so those definitely are not good odds. I contacted my RE's office, but they are out until after the holiday. I have debated calling my regular OB, but what would she do? Maybe order some blood work that I would not get the results back for until Monday anyway. I have a feeling this is going to be the LONGEST long weekend ever! I know that I will be analyzing every twinge, every possible symptom that AF is coming.

Part of me is super excited to be pg, and then the logical part of me kicks in and thinks about how crazy things will be having two kids under the age of one. If (and this is a big if) things work out, I know that things will be overwhelming to begin with, but hopefully when they are older, they will be best friends because they are so close in age.

So, we'll see what happens...I will keep you updated!

Oh, and do you know what makes this even more interesting? It was two years ago today that I got my first BFP (it ended in a m/c at 10 weeks).

This and That

2010-12-20T18:59:00.000-08:00

I apologize in advance, but this is a very random post!

First, sorry about my little vent from my last post. I totally realize that pregnancy is hard and is definitely not comfortable. My issues with B has been that she only complained, and never said anything positive about being pregnant. I think that it also brought out some jealous feelings in me.

Anyway, not much is new with us. I feel like I should have something exciting to post, but I don't. We are pretty much already for Christmas, and I can't believe that Christmas is this week! I am so excited to celebrate Christmas with J, even if he doesn't know what is going on. Last Christmas was AWFUL - it was my niece's first Christmas, and she was the first grandchild. I absolutely love my niece, but it was so hard to see what we were missing, and to hear the repeated comments about how more grandchildren were wanted. This Christmas will be much better! And, speaking of my niece, I have a slight hunch that her parents may be making a baby announcement this Christmas. My SIL is very health conscious and has always been really thin, but I have noticed a little something around her belly lately. I know that doesn't mean that she is expecting, but I am still "prepping" myself.

I have talked a little bit with other people with IF about BCP after having a baby. Some people have taken the stance that since it was so hard to get the baby in the first place, there is no point in using birth control, while others get back on immediately. DH and I have talked a little about it, and for the meanwhile, I am BCP free. We figured that the chances of us conceiving are low, so why waste the money each month. I honestly believe it would take a miracle for me to get pg.

Earlier in the year, Wistfulgirl's World did a monthly "Secret Pal", where you were assigned someone's blog to follow during the month, offer extra support, etc. Secret Pals was put on hold for a while, but I am so excited that it is back! You can check out this post if you are interested in signing up!

Oh Brother...

2010-12-15T19:03:00.000-08:00

I need to vent for a minute. It is definitely true that adopting a baby eases the pain of not being a mother, but it doesn't take away the pain of IF. I will admit that it has been much easier to deal with the recent rash of pg announcements, but there is still some pain. I for sure still get frustrated when I hear people complain about their pregnancies, whether it is the discomfort, it was unplanned, etc.

This was the case a few minutes ago when I read my friend, B's blog. As a quick reminder, B is the one who had an unplanned pregnancy and has bitched and moaned about it quite a bit...to the point where even my fertile friends are annoyed. She is also the one who has been on a "budget" because her husband has been unemployed and she had to work two jobs, yet continued to spend money like crazy (and then complain about not having money). Anyway...back to what I was saying. I saw that B had posted about reaching her due date, but I was shocked about some of the things that I read. She said that she felt bitter about going over her due date, even though she knows it is not uncommon for first time moms to do so. She also talked about how excited she is to go into labor so that she will finally not be pregnant anymore. There were a few other things that she mentioned that just rubbed me the wrong way. I mean, really? I know that I have not experienced pregnancy, and I am sure it is hard and uncomfortable, but I still hate it when people, especially B, complain about it. There are so many women out there who would give anything to be in her position, and she takes it all for granted. How nice would it be to have an accidental pregnancy without ever trying to get KU?

Now I am sure that the complaining will go from being about her pregnancy to about how hard it is to have a newborn baby...

Catching Up!

2010-12-10T09:06:00.001-08:00

It seems like it has been FOREVER since I last updated my blog, let alone read anybody else's. Also, I want to apologize to anyone who comes across this and is feeling a little delicate and doesn't want to read about babies.

J is getting so big! He is already a month old...the time has gone by so fast! J has been such a good and happy baby, and I have honestly fallen in love with him. He loves to smile! He is starting to coo, he can roll over from his side to his back, and he is starting to sleep longer at night. I love taking him out to run errands and having people comment on how cute MY baby is.

I will admit that there are things that have been different/harder than I expected. At first, I thought that I would have tons of time to get things done...my house would be perfectly clean, gourmet dinners would be ready when DH came home...so NOT the case! There never seems to be enough hours in the day, and sometimes I wish that I could clone myself! I can't complain, though!

Here are a few pictures that I have taken of J within the past few weeks:

J is a University of Utah fan, and he was so excited when they won the rivalry game!

We went with my mom and sister to this quaint shopping area that was decorated with elves

I took this picture this morning...you can see how smiley he is!

Freaks of Nature

2010-11-26T10:02:00.000-08:00

One of my friends who battled IF before getting pg with triplets posted this on FB. I thought it was pretty funny and decided to share...now I think that they need to make one about adoption! Enjoy!

Two Weeks

2010-11-23T11:48:00.001-08:00

Things are going well! DH went back to work yesterday, so this has been my first few days home alone with J. Overall, it hasn't been too crazy; we are just trying to get into a good routine that will still allow me to get stuff done at home and get a little sleep! :)

I took J to his two week appointment yesterday, and he is already up to 8 lbs 6 oz. He is still 20.5" long, but the doctor said that is normal. J is becoming so much more alert, and it is fun to interact and play with him.

One of the things that I have been struggling with lately is finding a good balance between talking about J and being excited about being a mom compared with being sensitive to friends who have IF. I have one friend in particular, C, who this is especially difficult. C is very private, but a few months ago, she slowly started confiding in me more and more about how she and her husband have been trying to get pg for about a year and a half. The thing is though, C hasn't gone to the doctor to try and figure out what is going on, and I get the impression that she is not in a hurry to make an appointment. Before we found out about J, it was becoming easier for her to talk about IF with me. Now, it is uncomfortable to be around her. I have hung out with her twice, and both times she hardly talks. All she does is play games on her phone and look miserable. Other people have noticed this, so I know it is not just me. After the first time, I sent her a text saying that I know it is hard to be around baby stuff and I appreciated her friendship and support. She responded that this has been harder than she thought it would be, but she was happy for me. I want to be supportive of her because I DO know how hard it can be, but at the same time, I get frustrated because I don't think that she is doing anything to fix her situation. I also struggle with wanting to post things on fb or my family blog, but then I remember how bad it sucks to be on the other end and always have baby things flashed in your face. I suppose I am just trying to find a good balance so that I am not hurting anyone, while still enjoying J and being a mom.

Life is Good!

2010-11-18T15:11:00.000-08:00

Wow, it has been a REALLY long time since I have blogged. I feel bad that I am so out of the loop with what is going on with everyone...hopefully I will have a chance to start catching up soon.

Things are going really well with our new little family. I think that it is finally starting to sink in that I am a mom. Sometimes it doesn't seem real, but there are other times when I definitely feel it, and it is amazing! I will admit that this has been a gradual process. So many people told me that I would feel this instant connection the first time I held J. I guess I did, but not to the level that I was expecting. I would say that the bond has been growing slowly, and I feel it more each day. Like I said, I feel like motherhood is still sinking in, so I am guessing that is part of it.

We have been getting into a good routine, and J is done with the lights. Both of these things are a huge blessing, because it means that I get to interact with him more and he is sleeping better at night. It also seems like J has grown so much already...he goes in for his first 2 week appointment on Monday, so I guess I will find out exactly how much then.

Also, thank you so much to everyone for the support that you have given me, especially over the past few weeks. It has meant SO much to me. I am hoping that I can soon start to get updated on what is going on with everyone else, and I can start returning the favor.

Introducing...Baby J!

2010-11-10T19:06:00.000-08:00

Baby J was born November 8, weighed 7lb 15oz, and is 20.5 inches long!

We got the call that the birth mom, K, was in labor at 1:40 on Monday morning. Our case worker told us that K wanted us to come to the hospital, so we grabbed our stuff and left. When we got to the hospital, we visited with K and her mom for a few minutes, and then hung out in the waiting room. Shortly before K was ready to start pushing, her mom came out and told us that if we were comfortable with it, we were invited to come into the delivery room. We were so grateful to get that opportunity! We were also able to meet two of K's sisters and her BIL, so it was neat for us to get to know more of her family.

Once J was born, I was able to cut the umbilical cord. K wanted us to be as involved with him as we could, so we were there when he was getting cleaned up, and then I was the first one to hold him, give him his bottle, and his first bath. K also wanted us to room in at the hospital, so we were able to have our own room and have J stay with us.

K and her mom came down to see J on Monday night. My FIL and his wife happened to be there at the same time, so I think it was good for K to see that baby J already has so many family members that love him.

K wanted to sign the relinquishment papers as soon as possible, which is 24* after delivery in Utah. Shortly before signing, she and her mom came down to our room again to hold J. I am so glad that we were able to spend a little bit of time with her in the hospital. I honestly have so much love and respect for K. She is such an amazing person!

We spent 48* in the hospital with J before he was discharged...meaning we just got home with him this afternoon. The only eventful thing that has happened is that his bilirubin level started to increase, so he had to come home with the bilirubin lights. It stinks that we have to keep him on them for so long, because then I can't hold him as much as I want!

I think that it is finally starting to sink in that I am a mom and DH is a dad. Part of it still seems like a dream that is just too good to be true. It is hard to believe that it REALLY happened...it just seems so surreal. DH and I love J so much already, and that bond just continues to grow stronger.

The hospital where J was born does newborn photography for all the new babies. When we first heard about it, we didn't think that we would end up wanting to buy any of the pictures, but they did such a good job, we just couldn't resist!

He's Here!

2010-11-08T17:52:00.000-08:00

He's here, and he's beautiful! More information to come!

Nothing Yet

2010-11-07T13:51:00.001-08:00

We are still waiting for our little guy to arrive. I am hoping that our BM will be induced tomorrow after her appointment, but we'll see. It is crazy to think that this will *hopefully* be our last child-free weekend. On Friday, DH and I went out for a little date night (dinner at one of our favorite Mexican restaurants, and then went to see "Social Network". I feel like we are as ready as we will ever be!

I am so excited for this to happen, but I will admit that there are times when I get a little freaked out. It isn't that I am freaked out to be a mom, it is more being nervous that I could get hurt. I think that when you have been dealing with IF, you learn to put up walls so that you can protect yourself. For example, a BFP doesn't automatically equal happiness: even though you are happy and excited, you are terrified about losing the baby. That is how I feel now. I am so excited to be a mom, for DH to be a dad, and for us to continue on this journey together. But, there is one part of me that says "Remember how IF screwed you over?? What makes you think that this will be any different? If you don't get excited, it won't hurt as bad if it doesn't work out". So, even though our BM seems to be pretty committed to this adoption, there is a small part of me that is holding back. I just don't want to get hurt again. Hopefully once she goes into labor and things are moving forward, I can feel more at peace and realize that this really is happening.

On a side note, some of the things that people say when they learn that I am adopting. I have heard plenty of the usual comments, such as "You are lucky because_____". These comments usually end with statements such as: you don't have to go through labor, you can fit in your pre-baby clothes without any effort, or you won't need to worry about recovering from pregnancy while taking care of your baby. I know that these comments are all well-meaning, but I don't think that people realize I would have gladly experienced any of those things. However, the winner of the inappropriate comment goes to one of my coworkers. She came into my office to tell me congratulations about the upcoming adoption, and she said "You know, I think I kind of know how you feel about infertility, but my problem was the opposite. Instead of not being able to have kids, I was too fertile. I got pregnant a couple times while I was on birth control. So even though I wouldn't say that my kids weren't unwanted, they weren't planned". Umm..okay? All I could do was stare at her and try to think of something to say. I'm sorry, about someone that is too fertile CANNOT know what it is like to be infertile! End of story!!!

Still Waiting...

2010-11-04T11:38:00.000-07:00

Not much has happened over the past few days, other than we are still waiting for our BM to go into labor. She went to the doctor yesterday, and I guess her OB stripped her membranes. If she doesn't go into labor over the weekend, she is supposed to go back on Monday, and she will probably be induced. I am so anxious to meet this little guy, so I am hoping that I don't have to wait until next week! Her official due date is today, so we'll see what happens.

I think that I am as ready as I can be for this baby, given the short notice. I think that we have all of the essentials, but who knows...I have never had to take care of a baby before! Everyone has told us not to buy a ton of stuff because babies don't need a lot, plus we will have showers after he is here, but I still wonder what I am missing.

During this past week, it has been so amazing to see the generosity of family and friends. We have had people leave us baby clothes on our porch, someone gave us a glider for free...just things like that. It is nice to feel so loved and supported during this time!

Update

2010-10-31T16:26:00.000-07:00

First, thank you so much to everyone who has left me comments, shared in the excitement, and just given me so much support. I REALLY appreciate it! Second, I know that I am falling behind on everyone else's blogs, and I apologize!

The past few days have been a whirlwind, but in a good way. On Friday, my caseworker called and said that our BM changed her mind and wanted to meet us. That brought me so much relief, because I have been so nervous that she could still change her mind, so it seemed that wanting to meet us was a good thing. On Friday, we went and registered; that was an overwhelming experience itself. We didn't get to the store until about 7:30 and there was just so much to see and choose from. To be honest, I have no idea if I registered for what we need, but at least it is a start. We also bought our car seat/stroller travel system.

On Saturday morning, we met with our caseworker for a few minutes before we met the BM. We were excited to find out that the BM is okay with us coming to the hospital, giving the baby a bath, things like that. It was more than I was hoping for. She also gave us the social and health histories that the BM had provided, and it was amazing to read because we felt like we were reading about our own families. There were so many similarities - from family vacations, to hobbies, that it was crazy. Next was our face to face meeting with the BM and her mom. We were both nervous as first, but it went so well. I felt like we made a really good connection with her and honestly I just fell in love with her. She is such an amazing woman and I feel so honored that she picked us to adopt her baby. The meeting helped alleviate a lot of our fears and concerns and left us with a really peaceful feeling. During the meeting, we gave her a gift (gift certificate for a pedicure, bath bubbles, lotion, Burt's Bees hands/feet kit, and chocolate) and she gave us a blanket, book, and stuffed animal for the baby.

After the meeting, we went to the store and just bought a bunch of basic, essential baby things, such as diapers, bottles, formula, onesies...it made it start to feel real...like I am buying these things for my son, and not my friend's baby or the baby I might have in the future. That afternoon, my family came over to help set up the nursery so that we could run some more errands.

Tomorrow, we get to go to meet more of the BM's family at a hospital meeting. This is where we will talk about her birthing plan, our role at the hospital, and just basically to review how she wants things to happen. It is so exciting to see things coming together, and now I just can't wait for that phone call saying that she is in labor!

We Said Yes!

2010-10-28T15:55:00.000-07:00

I called the agency back, and we said YES!!! I still don't know much about the birth mom, other than she is due next Friday, November 5, so our little boy could come any time. I know that she can still change her mind, but I can't help being so excited. We are going to go buy baby stuff tomorrow and register, and then just get things ready as quick as we can. I am so excited and couldn't be happier!!! Keep your fingers crossed for me that she doesn't change her mind.

Freaking Out!!! (In a good way)

2010-10-28T11:24:00.001-07:00

DH called me this morning and asked if I was busy, because he wanted to come over to my office and talk to me about something. When he got here, he said that he had received a phone call from our case worker...someone has chosen us to adopt their baby! The birth mom (BM) is having a boy and she is due next week. Right now it would a pretty closed adoption, with the chance of it being more open in the future. We are both freaking out. She was using meth until she found out that she was pregnant, and then she stopped. I think that we are leaning towards accepting the baby, but I think that DH and I are both in such a state of shock and feeling overwhelmed that we don't know what to do. We have some stuff, but obviously not everything that we need. It feels so crazy to not know when/if I will get to be a mom, to all of a sudden have it be a possibility so soon. The agency asked us to let them know our decision by the end of today, so I will definitely keep you posted!

New Toy and Adoption Reading Question

2010-10-26T18:22:00.000-07:00

First...

I bought a Nike + iPod kit, and today was my first day using it - I LOVED it! Basically, it is a chip that goes on my shoe and syncs to my iPod. It keeps track of how far I run, my pace, calories burned, etc. It also allows you to set up goals and you can download workouts to help you train. I am hoping that this will keep me motivated and help me improve.

Second, and more importantly...does anyone have any good advice on adoption articles and books that are good to give to family members? I was thinking that maybe it would help my MIL if I gave her some legitimate reading material. I saw the book "Adoption is a Family Affair: What Relatives and Friends Must Know", by Patricia Johnston on Barnes and Noble's website, but I am clueless as to how good it is. If anyone has any suggestions, I would love to hear them!

Bitter

2010-10-24T15:31:00.000-07:00

Just a warning...this post is kind of all over the place, so I am sorry if it doesn't seem to flow or make much sense. :)

I know that I said I did pretty well at the shower - and I did - but I can still feel some bitterness creeping back into me. I think that there are just a lot of little things that are contributing.

This month marks two years since we threw out the BCPs...how naive I was, thinking that this would be so easy for us. Even after the loss in January 09, I thought that it would be easy, and we would just have a baby a couple of months later than I had planned. If you had asked me two years ago what I thought would be happening now, I would imagine that I would've said that we would have one kid and be thinking about number two...or maybe even start trying for number two/be KU again. And now, here I am, two years later with nothing to show for it.

I get so tired of having to pretend that things are great. Don't get me wrong...I have a really great husband and a really good life, but it is hard to cover up that my heart is still hurting. Most days I can handle it pretty well and keep a smile pasted on my face, but it does get old. I am tired of hearing the misguided comments, the probing questions, and feeling that I don't have control over my life.

I told DH that I am not looking forward to Christmas this year - it is the year we will spend most of it with his family. He asked why, and I told him that the holidays are too painful. Last year was miserable, especially the time that was spent with his family. Don't get me wrong, I love my in-laws, but it is just hard. My MIL has the uncanny ability to always say something that is well-meaning, but turns out to be very hurtful. DH said that he could say something to his family about there being "certain triggers" that make things hard, but I told him no, because I don't want to be singled out or have people walking on egg shells around me, either. I joked that instead, he should tell his mom that we are spending the holidays in the Caribbean. I asked him if it doesn't ever make him sad to be where we are at right now and not be able to have kids they way we have planned and to not have control over when we will be able to adopt. He said that he doesn't necessarily get sad, but it is more of a bitter feeling for him. I thought that was interesting, considering he always does such a good job of covering it up. When I asked more about it, he said that he has just learned that life is hard, so you have to play the cards that you are dealt. That is true, but it certainly doesn't make it any easier.

I Survived Another Shower...Thank Goodness for Friends!

2010-10-23T20:32:00.000-07:00

I went to a shower for my friend, B, this afternoon. I have mentioned B before...she is the friend that had a "surprise" pregnancy a month or so after making comments about how she would "kill herself if she got KU". She is the friend who has complained about the discomforts of pregnancy every chance she gets. She is the friend that got on my nerves before she was pg, but has been even more so since.

I went to the shower with three of my friends. One just had a baby in July (but also gets annoyed with B) and two others who have had problems TTC. I don't know what I would have done without these friends...it made the shower so much better. I swear every other girl there besides my two friends and me had either had a baby recently or was pg. One girl had the tiniest baby bump, but could not take her hands off her belly. After we left, my two friends commented on how "the preggies were coming out of the woodwork" today, and that trend seemed to continue while we went to the mall following the shower.

I am slowly getting better about not being so bitter around pg people and kids, but I still hate it when people take it for granted and complain about how hard it is. This is especially the case with B...she knows that we had a m/c, have struggled with IF, and are hoping to adopt. We have been trying to have a baby for longer than she has even been married, so it sucked to find out that she was able to get KU on accident. I don't mean to complain and whine, I just wish people that knew that someone was struggling with IF wouldn't rub their pg in their face. Thankfully, my two friends feel the same way with this issue, so it is nice to not be alone and have someone who understands/wants to get out of a baby shower as quickly as I do!

ICLW!

2010-10-21T11:20:00.000-07:00

Wow...I can't believe it is already that time again! It seems like October has just rushed by. If you are new to my blog, welcome! My short story is that DH and I have been TTC for about two years. I was diagnosed with a chromosome abnormality in May, and we are now hoping to adopt. We have been approved since the beginning of August, so now we are just waiting...

Nothing is really new with me this week. I have still been super busy at work and at home. I thought that since I didn't really have much to say, I would post ten random things about myself:

I absolutely love this time of year. I love the crisp autumn air, the scents associated with fall, the leaves, everything. I honestly have a fall "to do" list that I try and accomplish every year just so that I can enjoy the season so much.
I love to read! Lately I have been reading some of Jodi Piccoult's books, but some of my other favorites are "Gone with the Wind" and the "Hunger Games" series.
I play the piano and DH plays the drums. DH has a ton of recording equipment from when he has been in bands, so we are trying to record some music together.
I am training for the Utah Ragnar race...this is a relay race that spans the distance from Logan, UT to Park City, UT (a distance of about 200 miles or so).
Speaking of running, I love to go jogging with my little furkid, Faline. Faline is a miniature pinscher, and she is able to keep up pretty well until I hit 5 miles or so.
I grew up with "the greatest snow on earth", but I hate the snow, snow sports, and anything involving being outside when it is cold/snowy.
I really enjoy making crafts and home decorating, although sometimes I don't feel like I am very creative.
I am a nurse, but I don't work on the floor anymore. I do more quality improvement/manager stuff.
I am an avid Utah Jazz fan. It is not uncommon for me to suggest the DH and I stay in and order takeout so that we can watch Friday night games.
One of my dreams is to visit every continent...unfortunately, the furthest place I have been from home so far is Mexico, so I definitely have a way to go!

People Just Don't Get It

2010-10-18T20:14:00.000-07:00

Last night, we went to family dinner at my MIL's house. As much as I enjoy spending time with the family, I always dread it a little bit because it seems like the biggest topic of conversation is always babies. There is only one grandchild on that side of the family, and don't get me wrong - I love my niece - but sometimes it would be nice to talk about something else. Anyway, of course the adoption came up and people were asking DH and me if we had heard anything yet. We said no, and then my MIL proceeded to question us. This is how the conversation went:

MIL: Have you guys considered getting a baby from another country?
Us: Yes, but it is much more expensive and the wait can be much longer. We felt like domestic adoption was the best route for us.
MIL: But there are so many orphans. Why can't you just go to a country and pick out a baby?
Us: Well, it isn't that easy. There is a lot of red tape to go through with both our country and the country where the baby comes from.
MIL: Well, it seems like you should just be able to go pick out a baby and then pay a lawyer to do the adoption.
Us: Unfortunately, it just doesn't work that way. It's not that simple. Some people wait years to adopt a baby from another country, and it just depends on that country's rules.
MIL: When C and J (her sister and BIL) adopted a baby from Columbia, they just went there and got him, and I know it wasn't that expensive. I realize that was a long time ago, and he was 18 months old when they got him, but still.
Us: Most children that are adopted from other countries are not adopted as new babies.
MIL: Well, I bet that D (her brother who lived in Columbia) could call up his friend in Columbia and have him watch for a baby for you. And then you could adopt that baby and not have to keep waiting.
Us: Unfortunately, it just isn't usually that simple. There is much more to it than going to another country and just picking up a baby.
MIL: What other options do you have to get a baby faster?
Us: We could have chosen another agency that has faster placement times, but the fees would have been double or triple what we are paying with ours.
MIL: We can just have a bake sale and raise the money that you need to get a baby faster.

This conversation continued for a little while. I think that my MIL was still convinced that all she needed to do was have her brother call his friend in Columbia and it would be that easy for us to get a baby. I know that she is just excited for us and excited to have a grandchild, but sometimes it is a little much. It would be nice to sometimes talk about other things besides babies...after all, DH and I are still people who still have other interests and lives outside of adoption!

Catching Up

2010-10-16T20:12:00.000-07:00

I feel like I have been SO far out of the blogging loop during the past week or so. Work has been crazy busy, so I haven't had time to blog during lunch, and when I get home, the last thing I want to do is sit in front of a computer screen.

Anyway, I guess I don't have too much to say, other than just a few mini updates from my last post. I decided to give my OB another try. I called to schedule an appointment, and she is booked out until APRIL! I made an appointment, but I guess that gives me plenty of time to change my mind between now and then. As for the shower, if it gets brought up again, I think that I am going to say that I would like to hold off, at least for now. I am slowly starting to put together a "grab and go" bag of sorts, just in case we got a call with no notice, but I just don't want to do the shower yet. I figure that the bag would hopefully be enough in the event that we had little/no notice. Today, I bought the first thing for my bag...the diaper bag itself! I went to this baby store by my house that was having a big sale, and I found a Bumble bag that I loved for 40% off.

Lately, I have been having one of those times when I feel like there are babies EVERYWHERE...and not just pg girls and new babies, but stories about people adopting. I think that part of it is because I have started being a lot more open with people besides family and friends about our adoption plans, so that inevitably opens the door for people to say things like "Oh, this person I know just adopted a baby last week". On one hand it is good, because obviously those people desperately want a baby of their own and it means that adoptions are happening, but I want it to be my profile that is the one being looked at and chosen.

Anyway, that is all I have for now. Not much of anything too interesting, but I suppose that is okay. Hopefully tomorrow I will have a chance to get caught up on everyone else's blogs.

Decisions, Decisions

2010-10-10T12:19:00.000-07:00

I feel like there are quite a few decisions to make right now...none of them are really big decisions. You know, the kind where you are at a crossroads and the decision is going to have a huge impact on your life. But, still decisions to make anyway.

The first, and maybe the easiest, is regarding a baby shower. DH's mom and aunt have approached me about giving me a baby shower. I think that DH's mom would prefer to do it sooner than later, "just in case". They said that it could be gender neutral, since I obviously have no clue whether we will adopt a boy or a girl. I am kind of torn on the shower. Of course I want to have a baby shower one day, but it kind of seems awkward to do one now.

My concerns about doing a shower this early are:

1. Who knows how long it will be before we get a baby. What if we have a shower now, and then we don't get a baby for a couple of years, and I want different things?
2. Will people even want to come to a shower for me, since I am not pg and have not been matched?
3. I really am not this superstitious, but what if I jinx myself by doing this?

On the other hand, it might be nice to have an early shower, just in case we really do get matched with someone and don't have a long time to prepare.

If anyone is reading this has had past experience or suggestions, I would LOVE to hear what you have to say!

My next decision is about our adoption profile. Right now, I have an online profile listed with our agency and another one listed with hopingtoadopt.org. I chose to put our profile with Hoping to Adopt because I had a free two month trial. Well, the two month trial is coming to an end, and I haven't really seen much traffic. According to the profile statistics, we have had plenty of people view the profile, but nobody has contacted us from it. The monthly fee for listing our profile is only around $30 (I think), so it isn't like it is a huge expense, but why pay $30 if it isn't doing any good? I have a friend who's family member got a ton of traffic from Parent Profiles, but that website is around $90/month. I just don't know if it is worth it to list our profile with so many different places. I have thought about cancelling the profile with Hoping to Adopt and trying Parent Profiles for a couple months, but I just don't know.

Last, I have been considering switching to a different OB/GYN. When I went for my annual exam last January, I did not have a good experience. I have always liked her before, but that appointment left a sour taste in my mouth. I really didn't like that she didn't listen to me and brushed my concerns aside. What if I stick with her, have concerns in the future, and then have the same problems. On the other hand, I have always liked her before then, so maybe it was just a fluke...especially since she had been running late. I just don't know...but if I am going to stick with her, I need to schedule my annual now. I am leaning towards making another appointment to see her for my annual exam, and then depending on how things go, I will decide whether or not to stay with her in the future.

Fall Leaves and Update

2010-10-06T16:28:00.000-07:00

Not much is new with me, but maybe that is a good thing. It means that nothing is too crazy with me right now.

I think that I have patched things up with my sister. We haven't really talked about what happened, but things are better. I decided to invite her to come up to my house last Friday to help me work on a project we were doing for my mom's birthday. At first it was a little awkward, but by the end of the night, I had her laughing and happy. Apparently she told my mom that she had been excited that she was the only one who was coming up to hang out, so I guess that is a good thing. I think that I just need to maybe make more of an effort to include her and make sure that she knows that I am glad to have her as my sister.

Last weekend, DH and I took a drive up the canyon by our house to see the fall leaves. I was a little nervous about how they would be because we have had such a warm fall, but there were some really pretty areas.

The drive made for a really relaxing day. The route we took included a pass through the mountain that led us to a small town, where we stopped for lunch. Autumn is definitely my favorite time of year, so I am so glad that DH and I were able to take the time to go enjoy the leaves.

Reoccuring Dream

2010-09-30T11:32:00.000-07:00

I have had this dream a couple of times, and it is really kind of weird. Each time I have it, it is pretty much the same, but a few details will be different (i.e. the setting, etc). So here is the storyline of the dream:

Someone comes and tells me that my baby has been born. In my dream, I had a baby by using a surrogate with my eggs and my BIL's sperm. The surrogate was my SIL. This is very strange to me because I don't have a problem carrying a baby, I just have bad eggs. Plus, DH's sperm are great, and if we did ever use a donor/surrogate, I really doubt it would be a family member, especially not my BIL and SIL. So anyway, I will go to the area where the baby is and want to see her (it is always a girl), but am told that I have to wait outside because my BIL and SIL are bonding with the baby and everyone else in the family gets to see her first. As family members leave the room, they tell me how beautiful and precious my baby is. I start getting frustrated that I am the last one to see MY baby, and then finally they bring her out to me. Once I finally get to hold her, my heart just melts. She is a beautiful baby, but there is a bit of sadness that we used a surrogate and donor sperm. As I am holding her, she starts to get hungry, so I ask for a bottle. When she doesn't immediately take to it, my SIL makes a snarky comment about how at least she can breastfeed. Next thing I know, the baby is taken away from me so that she can be breastfed, and I am left with empty arms, wondering why I don't get to be with my own baby. Then I wake up.

Isn't that the weirdest dream? What is so strange to me is that I have had it on more than one occasion, and it is always so vivid. I can remember the specific people that are in it, the feelings, everything.

Also - an update with my sister. I was planning on writing her a nice e-mail, but I just haven't been able to do it yet. I keep seeing the things she posts and hearing about the things she is saying to my family members. At this point, I don't want to say anything nice to her. I want to make her see that she is bringing this on herself, but I know there is not a way to do that right now. She went and saw her therapist yesterday, and apparently she is going to start taking her meds again, so we'll see. At this point, I feel like I just need to keep my distance before I say anything I might regret.

The Letter From my Sister...

2010-09-27T11:21:00.000-07:00

So this is the message that I received from my 18 year old sister yesterday. She also sent it to our two sisters and brother.

"I have decided since you all are against me- and you know you are or else you would not treat me like "crap" to put it VERY lightly; that you all are NOT invited to my wedding, and I want nothing to do with any of you once I am married, because if you really did care about me like how you care for each other (except for me- your freakin sister) then i wouldnt hate you all and wish you were all were never born- like how i know you all wish i was never born because lets face it according to the your "perfect" world i am the "Black sheep" in the family. you are all no longer considered my family UNTIL you can start treating me like i am part of it. For example- the day of my graduation dinner you all ignored me, that is not ok. you all got pissy with me, but when we were at b's freakin graduation dinner everyone was swarming her with attention. you see i feel like i have had to raise myself growing up, and you all have found stupid ways to get my into trouble. honestly i wish i could tell you how i really feel about you, but if i did you all would surely tell your parents about what i said and then i would be homeless, dont ever talk to me again! until like i stated above you can start treating me like part of the family, which knowing all of you wont ever happen, i hope you are happy with what you have done."

To be honest, this letter isn't too upsetting to me. I haven't responded to her yet and I really don't have any plans to right now. What upsets me the most is that she and her bf/fiance are posting things like this on their fb walls. I hate seeing my family thrown under the bus, but I don't know what to say/do. I am worried that anything I say or write will end up causing more problems.

Weekend Getaway and Drama

2010-09-26T20:10:00.000-07:00

I feel like I kind of dropped off the face of the earth for the past few days, but it was for a good reason...DH and I were able to get away with some friends for a long weekend! One of our friends won a free stay at a home in St. George, UT and invited us and three other couples to come along. We went down Thursday after work and just got home tonight.

It was so nice to get away...honestly, it was just what I needed! We spent some time at the pool, went to the movies, ate tons of good food, played games, and spent an evening down in Vegas. It was such a carefree time...until...family drama.

DH and I both had family drama issues crop up on our sides of the family. Without going into too many details, I got a fb message from my sister that was sent to my other siblings and me. She basically said that she was disowning us because she thinks that we consider her to be the black sheep of the family. Her boyfriend/fiance also posted some pretty bad things about my family on fb, which were all untrue. I don't know what to do with my sister. She is bipolar, and she apparently hasn't been taking her meds, so it isn't like she is just purposefully trying to be this way. It is so hard to see my family hurt by how she acts, especially when I know it isn't really her.

Meeting Life's Challenges

2010-09-21T20:17:00.000-07:00

I was looking through some old papers, and I ran across an old (seriously like ten years old) handout from church that had a really good quote that I thought I would share...hope you enjoy!

"I meet so many people who constantly complain about the burden of their responsibilities. Of course the pressures are great. There is much, too much, to do... Turn your thinking around. The gospel is good news. Man is that he might have joy. Be happy! Let that happiness shine through your faces...

"I enjoy these words of Jenkins Lloyd Jones...

"'Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he's been robbed.

"'Most putts don't drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise.

"'Life is like an old-time rail journey - delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed.

"'The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride."<>

...Gordon B. Hinckley

Nothing New...

2010-09-20T11:59:00.001-07:00

There really isn't a whole lot going on with me right now. We had a nice weekend spent with some family and friends. On Saturday, our neighbors invited us over for a murder mystery dinner party. I had never been to one before, so I was pretty excited to try it out. I had to dress as "Clair Voyant", the psychic. I ended up guessing who the murderer was and figuring out all the details around it, which was pretty cool. Or maybe it was just a sign that I have read too many books/seen too many shows like this?

I have been really trying to keep a better attitude the past few days and not allow myself to become so negative. Yesterday was the first test since I had to go to church, and I will say that I noticed a difference. It wasn't that I talked to anyone new or made a new friend or anything like that, but I just didn't feel so down and frustrated like I normally do after church.

Also, we haven't had any more e-mails from our adoption profiles, and I never heard back from either of the girls who e-mailed us before. It was fun and exciting to get two e-mails within a week of each other, so it kind of sucks now to not have anything. Oh well, at least I know our profile is being seen, right?

I Feel SO Whiney!

2010-09-16T19:21:00.001-07:00

I have been feeling like a downer lately. I think it started a few weeks ago when DH and I decided it wasn't in our budget for me to go to Boston with my sister next month. I understand the reasoning behind it, and I think that it makes sense for us to try to be saving more than we are spending right now. But, I just feel so trapped and burned out. I feel burned out from IF, but also just from life in general.

I think that for so long I had focused on IF, and now that we are trying to adopt and it isn't completely consuming my life right now, I just feel drained and exhausted. Granted, I am still tired of feeling like I am not in control of IF/adoption/life in general, but I just feel tired in general. I think that this has made me have much less tolerance for other things in life. I am tired of not being able to plan things more than a few months in advance. I am bored with work. I am tired of not fitting in at family functions. I don't feel like I am growing and progressing in life. And, as much as I hate to even admit this, I am burned out with church.

Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy my job. I work with great people, my job is super flexible, and I have been there long enough (7+ years!) to have earned some seniority. I feel like I have a really good job for a 27 year old. The problem is, I am bored with my job – it just doesn't stimulate me anymore and I don't feel like I am growing and learning. There have been a few times I have thought about finding a new job, but the problem is that it just doesn't make sense for me to do that. I have sick time, vacation days, and FMLA saved up in case I ever have the privilege of taking maternity leave. My boss has already told me that I can reduce my hours to whatever I want them to be once we have a baby. It doesn't make sense to walk away from that. What if I leave, we get a baby, and then I can't take any time off? Or, what if I stay, and I don't get a baby for a really long time? I know that what I should do is just talk to my boss and ask for an extra project or something to keep me busy. Deep down, I really don't want to leave. I just need a change.

As for church – it isn't an option in my mind for me to change wards (congregations) or just stop going. I know that it would make me feel guilty and I would end up feeling worse. Here is the situation: in my church, most of the adult members have something called "callings". It is basically an assignment that church members are given to do various jobs within the church. Everything is done on a volunteer basis – none of our clergy is paid. For example, we have Sunday school teachers, teachers for the children's classes, teachers that work with the youth, others that help maintain church records, some who do secretary work, etc. My calling right now is to play the piano during Primary (which is where the children meet together). Our church meets together for three hours every week. One hour is called Sacrament Meeting and everyone in the ward meets together. During the other two hours, everyone breaks out into groups based on age. I spend the last two hours of church in Primary. DH and I have been going to our ward for three years, and I have been serving in primary for two years, ten months. Because of this, I feel like I haven't been able to develop any friendships with the people in my ward. I know some of the adults because I have worked with their children, but it isn't anything more than an acquaintance. I used to love going to church, but now I just feel lonely. I don't have friends to talk to; all I see is families and babies and pg women. I would love to make friends in the ward, but it just isn't happening. I don't have the excuse of being new in the ward, so it is just awkward. I know that this is a lot of explanation for something like this, but if you aren't LDS, I think that it can be hard to understand.

I have tried telling DH how I feel burned out and trapped and all of these other feelings, but he just doesn't understand. He will listen to me, and then say something like "Well, you are just going to be even more tied down once we have a baby". True, but it will be different. Like I said, I think that a big reason that I feel this way is because I am so worn out from IF. Even though adoption won't take away IF, it will at least allow me to experience motherhood. He tries to understand, but he just doesn't quite get it.

I started reading "Eat Pray Love" a few weeks ago and I have really been trying to glean some personal insights from it. I am at the part where she is in India, and there was a part that I read last night that really resonated with me. It says:

"There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under my jurisdiction. There are certain lottery tickets I can buy, thereby increasing my odds of finding contentment. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I eat and read and study. I can choose how I'm going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life – whether I will see them as curses or opportunities (and on the occasions when I can't rise to the most optimistic viewpoint, because I'm feeling two damn sorry for myself, I can choose to keep trying to change my outlook). I can choose my words and the tone of voice I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts".

So this is what I will focus on. I can decide how I spend my time, what I think, what I put in my mouth, how I treat my husband/family/friends. Even though it sometimes seems like there is so much that I can't control, I can focus on the many things that I do have a say over. I know that it will be hard and there will definitely be days when I fail miserable, but I can keep trying.

If you are still reading this, thanks for listening to me vent. J

Online Dating

2010-09-15T11:21:00.000-07:00

I have decided that adoption is a lot like online dating. You make a profile that advertises all of your best qualities and makes you look like an awesome, fun person. After all, everything is relying on this most-important first impression. More than likely, you have scoped out your "competition" and have compared your profile against theirs. Once your profile has gone live, you hope that the right person is looking at your profile and you wonder how long it will take to get any responses. The only difference with adoption is that there are no profiles for you to be out searching...you have to wait for people to come to you! When you do get an e-mail, you have to remind yourself that it is nothing serious and chances are that it will take a while before you find "the one". So, you keep plugging along, checking your profile, scoping the competition, and hoping that someone finds you before you drive yourself too crazy!

**************************************************

Yesterday, I went to lunch with one of my good childhood friends, M. M and I have known each other since elementary school and we grew up in the same neighborhood and went to the same church. M is also one of my few IRL friends who has gone through IF. I know that she and her DH have been trying for at least a year longer than my DH and I have been TTC. It was SO nice to be able to talk to someone IRL who totally understands what it is like and is in such a similar situation. M and her DH are deciding whether to do IVF or pursue adoption, so maybe we will be adopting together!

27 Candles

2010-09-12T12:31:00.000-07:00

I turned 27 on Friday. All things considered, it was a pretty good day. I had to work, but some of my coworkers surprised me with one of those yummy Costco cakes. After work, DH and I got together with some of our friends and went out to dinner. After dinner, we came back to our house and had cake, ice cream, and played games. Last night, DH and I went to dinner with his dad and step-mom, and tonight, we are getting together with my family. My sister's birthday is today, and my other sister's birthday is tomorrow, so this time of year is always busy with birthdays!

DH gave be Photoshop for my birthday, so I am so excited to try it out! I have been wanting it for a while, so it should be fun to play with. Not that I am that great of a photographer...but hopefully this will make it look like I have more talent! :)

I decided that I want to set some goals for myself this year. I realize that most people set their goals at the beginning of the calendar year, but I want to set mine at my birthday. The reason why is that for the past few years, I have always thought "By my next birthday, I will be a mom or at least be pg". And then the next birthday comes along, I am not a mom, and I feel like I failed and am disappointed that I am not where I wanted to be in life. So, I decided to set some goals that I can at least have some control over and accomplish. I have chosen three goals for myself, and they are:

Run the Utah Ragnar - This is a 188 mile relay run from Logan, UT to Park City, UT. Each team has twelve members and each runner runs three legs of the race, and each leg ranges from 3 - 8 miles. I am already signed up with a team, so I just need to keep training so that I can keep up and not hold my team back.
Get back to my "wedding day" size - hopefully training for the Ragnar will help with this.
Learn a new language - I have tried learning Spanish a few times, so I want to stick with it enough to actually learn it this time.

Now, even if I am not pg or don't have a baby by the time I turn 28, I will at least be able to look back at the past year and remember the things that I worked to accomplish.

Yesterday I was soaking in the tub and it finally hit me that we have had another loss, and that we have probably had so many others that we didn't even know about it. Even though I have suspected it before, it was like it kind of sunk in. I kind of broke down and got really frustrated and angry. Why do my babies never get a chance at life? Why don't we get a chance to be parents? I believe that we are given trials for a reason, and obviously this is the trial that is teaching me the most, but it is so hard. So much of my church, community, and extended family focuses on having children and families, and I just feel like a failure sometimes. I know (or at least am hoping) that one day in the future, I will be able to look back on this time in my life and say that the pain was all worth it, because it taught me so much and I have my children. I know that I am not the only person going through trials, and that some people definitely have harder trials than what I am facing, but sometimes it just seems so hard. It is hard to see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and sometimes I feel like I am so far in, that it is hard to remember what the light at the beginning of the tunnel even looked like.

Chemical

2010-09-10T11:22:00.000-07:00

AF arrived this morning. On my birthday. Thank you so much, mother nature, for making sure I had an extra special day today. Would it have been too much to ask that you either came on time or an extra day late so that I didn't have to worry about it today?

I am counting this as a chemical pregnancy. At least I know that DH and I are doing everything right, so that hopefully if there is ever a good egg that comes along, we can hopefully take advantage and catch it. It is kind of validating to know that yes, I have had pregnancies besides my first m/c, even though my normal OB seemed pretty doubtful.

I Don't Know What to Think

2010-09-09T12:02:00.001-07:00

I think that AF might be late, but I'm not positive, since I stopped tracking my ovulation. I've had some occasional cramping and light spotting, but no other symptoms to suggest she is on her way. I decided to POAS this morning and it was negative, except that there was a few pixels (maybe ten or so) that showed up in the second line. Not enough to call it a line or say it was positive, but enough for me to question. My guess is that I got pg, it was a bad egg, my period will start in a few days, but there was just enough hormone to show a trace of a second line. I am not really counting this as a potential loss, but part of me wonders if this is more proof of my chromosome condition. I know that nothing will come of this....maybe AF is just waiting to visit until tomorrow for a birthday surprise.

Another E-Mail

2010-09-07T11:42:00.000-07:00

I still haven't heard anything from the birth mom (bm) who e-mailed us last week, but this morning I saw that I had an e-mail from a different bm, S! S is almost 21 and is 8 weeks pg. She said that she and her bf have decided that now is not a good time for them to be parents, especially since they don't always get along. She started looking at profiles, and ours was one of the ones that stood out to her. I e-mailed her back today, so we'll see if we get a reply. Like I said before, I am not getting my hopes up, but it is so exciting that our profile is getting viewed and that we have had two inquiries in less than a week!

Update and Labor Day Weekend

2010-09-06T16:45:00.000-07:00

First, DH and I e-mailed M back on Thursday, and I haven't heard anything yet. However, I did use my work e-mail, so hopefully I will have a response waiting for me when I get to work tomorrow! I am not counting on it, but I would love it if it happened.

DH and I spent our Labor Day weekend camping with his extended family (as in like 40 or so people). I wasn't really too excited to go camping, but DH really wanted to go. I don't mind hanging out with his family, but I just wasn't looking forward to spending my weekend camping.

Anyway, I tried to go with a good attitude, but maybe it is a bad omen when the first thing that is said to you when you get out of the car is "I don't know if C told you, but I am 14 weeks pg". This was said to us by the wife of DH's cousin who was living with us until they got married this past March. I am guessing that this is a surprise pregnancy, because she told us "When you don't have sex until you get married, you end up having sex a lot after". Too bad it isn't that easy for everyone!

Because of this pg announcement, I was the only wife there who wasn't pg or didn't already have kids. It seemed like every conversation with the girls my age revolved around kids or being pg. I honestly felt like I didn't belong/fit in because I had nothing to contribute to the conversation. It wasn't anything that DH's family did wrong, but it was a constant reminder to me that I have failed at getting KU. Several people asked me about our adoption proceedings and it was nice to have them so genuinely interested, but at the same time, it would have been nice to be able to talk with people about things besides the adoption. I mean, there is more to me than that, right?

I kind of had a little breakdown last night in our tent, but lucky for me, I have become a pro at hiding my feelings when I am having a hard time. It sucks that this is the one thing I have learned to succeed at, but I didn't want to ruin DH's weekend. I did tell him a little bit about how I felt like I didn't fit in anywhere because of IF and not having kids, and he just made a joke of it by saying "Well, you seem to fit in with L". L is DH's six year old cousin.

So, I wouldn't say that I had a bad time camping, but it wasn't as fun as I was hoping for. I have always had such fun times with DH's family...I hate having to worry now that maybe I will feel out of place. Hopefully I was just having a rough day and I will be able to feel differently next time.

Oh My Goodness!!!

2010-09-02T10:31:00.000-07:00

I am NOT getting my hopes up or thinking that this could really be it, BUT I received an e-mail today from a birth mother who saw our profile and wants to get to know us better!

Here is a copy of her e-mail:

I found your profile on itsaboutlove and was very intrigued by you and your words. This is truly a difficult situation but I know that this is the best choice for my baby and myself. I have read your profile and looked at your blog and I feel I have gotten to know you a little better. I am curious as to why you have chosen adoption and would like to know a little more about the process you have been through and how it has affected/changed your lives. Sincerely, M

DH and I are planning on writing back to her today. I am so excited and nervous! I know that I can't count on her to pick us or that things could really progress this fast, but it is nice to know that people are viewing our profile and that we do look appealing to someone! :) I will keep you posted and wish me luck!!!

4 Years!

2010-08-30T11:39:00.000-07:00

DH and I celebrated our anniversary this weekend, and I honestly can't believe that four years have already come and gone! It seems like just yesterday that we were just friends, hanging out with everyone else.

Our anniversary was a little low-key, but it was really nice that way. It made it easier to focus on each other and enjoy each other's company. On Saturday, we went out to eat at a restaurant called The Roof. It overlooks the place where we got married and offers a beautiful view of the city, which was nice and quite romantic. We had such a good time reminiscing about the past four years and sharing our hopes for the future. We both made comments about how even though our journey has been a little different than we thought it would be when we first were married, we are so grateful that we could share it with each other.

Our actual anniversary was on Sunday. Instead of going out on Sunday, I made a fancier dinner for us to enjoy at home. DH gave me a beautiful bouquet of roses and we exchanged gifts. It was pretty relaxing, but still nice. It was nice to not have any distractions and really just enjoy the time we had to spend with each other.

Although I didn't let myself dwell on it too much, this weekend also marked when we would have had a one year old child if it weren't for the m/c. HOWEVER, I have been doing so good at moving away from the what-ifs lately, and so it wasn't too hard. Of course I wonder how things would have been if we were celebrating a birthday, but it wasn't as painful as it could have been.

Our Visit with the Genetic Counselor

2010-08-26T16:34:00.000-07:00

Our visit with the genetic counselor went really well today. She didn't really share any new information with me (thanks to my personal research), but it helped confirm what I had learned and I think it was helpful for DH.

The counselor said that we have three choices for having a biological pregnancy: continue trying on our own, do IVF, or do IVF with PGD. Our other choices for children are egg donation, embryo adoption, and traditional adoption.

She also explained more about how the chromosome insertion works and why it is so hard for us to have a healthy baby. She confirmed that couples in our situation probably conceive a baby many times without ever knowing it/getting a positive pregnancy test. We also learned that the chances of us getting a baby from IVF with PGD are about 40%. There is definitely a chance that we could do IVF and get ZERO embryos that survive. The good thing is that if we do manage to get KU, we can probably safely say that if we make it to the second trimester, we will *probably* make it to full term and have a healthy baby without any birth defects. I asked the counselor if there are ever any studies with IVF and PGD for people like me, and she said not really, but she would still check to see if there was anything out there that we would qualify for.

So, even though we didn't learn much, I am still glad that we went to this appointment. I think that it reaffirmed that we are both comfortable with our plan. Hopefully we will get a baby to adopt without too long of a wait, and if we get KU, then that would be great!

It Feels Strange...

2010-08-25T11:44:00.000-07:00

Now that we are approved with our adoption agency and are waiting to be chosen by a birth mom, I don't really feel like I have a lot to say. It seems like things with TTC have slowed WAY down. It is nice, but it is also really strange. It is strange to see EWCM and think that I am Oing, yet not stress about BD at the right time. It is strange to not be tracking by BBT or to not automatically know what CD I am on. Like I said, it is nice in some ways because there isn't that stress hanging over you and I find that I am not constantly over-analyzing every "symptom" that I may have, but it is still strange.

DH and I have started looking online and doing some window shopping for baby items. It feels weird to be talking about what crib to buy or which stroller is best when I am not pregnant. Sometimes I feel like an outsider when I am looking through the baby section, and I just have to remind myself that I have every right to be there, because one day (hopefully in the near future) I am going to need all of this stuff. My question is, if you went through/are going through adoption, how early on did you start buying baby stuff? Part of me wants to start getting things now, but I am nervous that maybe we won't need it for a while. What if we buy it, and then it takes years for us to get a baby? Or what if they come out with newer/better products? What if we don't buy anything, and then we get a call saying that we have a baby and we are unprepared? Any advice would be helpful!

Also, DH and I are FINALLY going to our appointment with the genetics counselor on Thursday. I have been waiting for this appointment ever since we got my chromosome test results in May. I am not thinking that this appointment will change any of our plans, but it will still be good to have the information and feel like we are moving forward with as much knowledge as possible. I will post about the appointment later this week.