Almost There!

Well, I feel like things are going better than they were last week. It is crazy to look over at my ticker and see that it says there are only three days left!

My appointment last week went well. The doctor said that I was 80% effaced and dilated to a 1+, so that is a little bit of improvement from before. She also stripped my membranes, in the hopes that would help move things along. She encouraged me to do a lot of walking and of course, have s.ex, which is the last thing on my mind. :) At least something I am doing has been paying off, because I lost my mucous plug on Friday. It is really good to know that things are progressing and my body is getting ready.

Part of me just wishes that I would go into labor, but part of me still feels like this has gone by so quickly and that I need to cherish every last minute. I hope that I will have the opportunity to experience pregnancy again in the future, but I know that I can't count on it.

Going forward, I have another appointment this Friday, which is my actual due date. Last week, my doctor told me that they typically won't do an induction until the baby is a week overdue, so hopefully that means no later than a week from this Friday. I have been joking with my family that Jumper is going to wait to be born until then so that she can join our family's September birthday party - between me and two sisters, there are three birthdays within four days (September 10, 12, and 13).

In other news, I just received a really sad phone call while I was typing this post. I got a phone call from K's (J's birthmom) mom, who said she wanted to let me know that K has relapsed on drugs and that she wanted to warn us so that we could take adequate steps to protect our family. We talked for a while, and it broke my heart to hear about the choices that K has made. I have been thinking about her so much lately, and perhaps this is why. Her mom did say several times that she has so much peace knowing that J is with us and part of our family, and it scares her to think about where he would be if K hadn't placed him for adoption. I love J so much, and it is horrible to think of what type of environment he could be living in or what kind of life he could have. I also still have such a love for K for the decision that she made to place J with us...I wish there was something I could do, but I don't think there is anything other than praying for her. At her mom's recommendation, I think that DH and I will likely stop e-mailing K and making a few other changes just to be on the safe side, but we need to talk about it some more.

Reflecting

I have been thinking a lot about J's birthmother, K, recently. I don't know if it is because as Jumper's due date draws closer, I have been thinking a lot more about when J was born, but I'm not sure. We haven't heard from K since President's Day weekend. I continue to send her a monthly update and pictures, but I have no clue if she is still reading them. I often wonder how she is doing...is she happy? Is she able to spend time with her two children? Did she end up getting married in June like she was planning? Does she ever miss J and wonder what he is doing? Does she ever regret her decision to place him for adoption or wonder what he is like? In some ways, it surprises me that I am the one who misses having contact with K. When we first started the adoption process, I felt nervous about having contact with a birthmother, because I worried that it would make it seem like J wasn't "mine" or that she would interfere with me being his mom. Now, I wish that there was at least a little contact or some sort of closure so that I could share it with J when he gets older.

I will always be so thankful and indebted to K for the decision that she made to choose DH and me as J's family. I love that little boy so much and I can't imagine life without him. It is crazy to think that I ever wondered if I would bond with him or love him as my own, because now it feels like he has always been mine and I can't imagine loving his new sister any differently than I love him. I am such a firm believer in adoption and I truly believe that J was always supposed to be in my family; he just had to come a different way than most kids do. I am so thankful to be J's mother and for the happiness he brings to DH and me!

Cutting the Apron Strings

When we first adopted J, we weren't really sure what to expect in the way of post-placement communication. When K first decided to place J, she wasn't even aware that open adoption was an option, let alone face-to-face visits or anything like that. DH and I told K that we were flexible and were willing to play things by ear based on what she wanted. We eventually settled into a pattern of me e-mailing her a picture and quick update once a week.

Our communication from K has never been very consistent, but we used to get e-mails from her once or twice a month. However, we haven't heard anything from her since we went to dinner with her over President's Day weekend. I know that is only two months ago, but if you figure that J is only five months old, that is a big chunk of his life! There have been a couple of times when I have asked her specific questions in my e-mails, such as wondering if J's biological dad was tall and thin (like J), but I haven't received a response.

In my last e-mail, I decided to ask K if she is okay with going to monthly e-mails, and I still haven't heard anything from her. It makes me wonder if she is even reading my e-mails anymore. I am glad that she seems to be moving on, but in some ways, it makes me a little sad for J. I feel bad that there will only be a little bit of information about K that we will be able to share with him, and that if things keep going the way they are, that he will never be able to meet her in person. At first I thought I would be grateful for a more closed adoption, but now I worry because I don't want J to feel bad about anything. I know that it will be up to DH and me to teach him about how he came to be part of our family, how much K loved him, and how special he is to us...I just feel bad that I don't think K will be as big of a part of that as I had originally thought.

Ultrasound and Dinner

I had the ultrasound for my integrated screening done on Thursday, and everything looked great! It was so great to see Jumper again. He/she seemed to be so much bigger in just the past week. We were able to get some really good profile pictures and also one where you could see Jumper's fingers. It really helped to make things seem more real and I am starting to realize more and more that this is actually happening and there is a baby growing inside of me.

I am starting to feel more comfortable with sharing the news...at least slowly. This has been a blessing for my mom and MIL because they have been bursting at the seams waiting to share. They admitted to me that they had shared it already with a few people, so I have learned that I better not share any news with them until I am ready for it to go public. I know that I am not ready to make the news official on FB or our family blog, but I don't know that I will purposefully hide it as much. There is some comfort in the fact that my mom and I have the same condition, and she never had a m/c this late. Hopefully this means that my risk is back to a normal level and things will keep progressing well.

Last night, DH, J, and I met up with K (J's birthmom) and her fiance for dinner. It was good to see her, catch up, and get to know her fiance. The dinner went really well. DH and I weren't too nervous to meet, but part of me did wonder if there would be any awkwardness. The conversation seemed to flow really well. It wasn't like we stayed and talked for a long time after dinner was over, but we still had things to talk about. K held J, and afterword, she said that she did not feel a connection to him like he was her son. Even though she still loves him, I think that seeing J with us helped cement in her mind that she made the right decision. That was a relief for me...I was a little nervous that seeing J might make things harder on K, but from what I could tell, it seemed to help. I am not sure how if/when K will want to see J again, but we told her that we are open to another meeting and would let K make that decision. K also brought gifts for us, which kind of took us by surprise, since we didn't bring anything for her. She gave J a "Curious George" book and stuffed animal, and then she gave DH and me life history journals and wrote us each really nice notes. We plan to give K a gift for mother's day, and I am sure we will at least send her a card or small gift when she gets married.

Anyway, that is all for now. I am looking forward to enjoying my long weekend with DH and J tomorrow...should be nice!

J's Birthmom

When asked about our adoption, it seems that most of the questions have to do with J's birthmom, K. People wonder what she is like, how often we communicate with her, and how willing we are to have her in our lives (and J's) in the future. So, without going into too many personal details about K, I thought that I would answer some of our most commonly asked questions.

What is K Like/How Old is She/etc.?
K was 32 years old when J was born. She has two other children, and knew that she was not in a situation to be able to take care of an unplanned baby. She seems to be very kind and I believe that she has a very good heart. K has long, thick, curly, dark brown hair and green eyes.

How Often Do You Communicate?
Right now, we e-mail K once a week, and the e-mail includes a picture of J. I anticipate that we won't e-mail as often in the future, but we have told K that we are willing to go at her pace. In a way, it has been nice because it has made us take more pictures of J than we probably would have otherwise, plus the e-mails help us document his weekly changes. We also text occasionally.

How Do You Think K is Doing?
From what I can tell, K has her good days and her bad days. She occasionally will e-mail us back and will sometimes text me. She has told us about plans to go back to school, hobbies, and other things she does to keep herself busy. I think that there are definitely still hard days - she still loves J, and I doubt that ever goes away. However, she has told us several times that she does not regret her decision and she is very glad that J is part of our family.

How Will We Tell J about K?
We don't plan to keep adoption a secret from J. We plan to start reading him children adoption books when he is able to understand what he is hearing. K also has given J a few things, such as a book, stuffed animal, and a letter. We want J to know that he came to our family in a very special way, that it is nothing to be ashamed of, and the role that K played.

Will J ever meet K?
Yes! We are actually going to dinner with her this Saturday. When we first started the adoption journey, it seemed to strange to DH and me that we would have a relationship with our birthmom. We thought that it would be too intrusive and worried that she would try to take a place as a second mom. As we moved further and further into the process, and especially now that we have J and know K, we don't feel that way at all. There have been some people that have expressed their concern or that they just don't really agree with our decision. We have tried to explain that we are doing what we think is best for J and our family. We obviously would not agree to meet with K if we felt that it was not a good thing. We feel comfortable with K and we think it is important for us to have a positive relationship with her. Also, if seeing J occasionally is something that will help K heal and move on, then why would we want to stop that?

It has been interesting to here all of the different opinions that are out there about adoption, especially with how domestic adoptions have become so much more open. One thing that I have learned is to keep an open mind and to take people's thoughts and opinions with a grain of salt. As with any situation involving you and your family, you have to do what is best for YOU, and not what your family/friends/random people think is best. :)

Introducing...Baby J!

Baby J was born November 8, weighed 7lb 15oz, and is 20.5 inches long!

We got the call that the birth mom, K, was in labor at 1:40 on Monday morning. Our case worker told us that K wanted us to come to the hospital, so we grabbed our stuff and left. When we got to the hospital, we visited with K and her mom for a few minutes, and then hung out in the waiting room. Shortly before K was ready to start pushing, her mom came out and told us that if we were comfortable with it, we were invited to come into the delivery room. We were so grateful to get that opportunity! We were also able to meet two of K's sisters and her BIL, so it was neat for us to get to know more of her family.

Once J was born, I was able to cut the umbilical cord. K wanted us to be as involved with him as we could, so we were there when he was getting cleaned up, and then I was the first one to hold him, give him his bottle, and his first bath. K also wanted us to room in at the hospital, so we were able to have our own room and have J stay with us.

K and her mom came down to see J on Monday night. My FIL and his wife happened to be there at the same time, so I think it was good for K to see that baby J already has so many family members that love him.

K wanted to sign the relinquishment papers as soon as possible, which is 24* after delivery in Utah. Shortly before signing, she and her mom came down to our room again to hold J. I am so glad that we were able to spend a little bit of time with her in the hospital. I honestly have so much love and respect for K. She is such an amazing person!

We spent 48* in the hospital with J before he was discharged...meaning we just got home with him this afternoon. The only eventful thing that has happened is that his bilirubin level started to increase, so he had to come home with the bilirubin lights. It stinks that we have to keep him on them for so long, because then I can't hold him as much as I want!

I think that it is finally starting to sink in that I am a mom and DH is a dad. Part of it still seems like a dream that is just too good to be true. It is hard to believe that it REALLY happened...it just seems so surreal. DH and I love J so much already, and that bond just continues to grow stronger.

The hospital where J was born does newborn photography for all the new babies. When we first heard about it, we didn't think that we would end up wanting to buy any of the pictures, but they did such a good job, we just couldn't resist!

Still Waiting...

Not much has happened over the past few days, other than we are still waiting for our BM to go into labor. She went to the doctor yesterday, and I guess her OB stripped her membranes. If she doesn't go into labor over the weekend, she is supposed to go back on Monday, and she will probably be induced. I am so anxious to meet this little guy, so I am hoping that I don't have to wait until next week! Her official due date is today, so we'll see what happens.

I think that I am as ready as I can be for this baby, given the short notice. I think that we have all of the essentials, but who knows...I have never had to take care of a baby before! Everyone has told us not to buy a ton of stuff because babies don't need a lot, plus we will have showers after he is here, but I still wonder what I am missing.

During this past week, it has been so amazing to see the generosity of family and friends. We have had people leave us baby clothes on our porch, someone gave us a glider for free...just things like that. It is nice to feel so loved and supported during this time!

Update

First, thank you so much to everyone who has left me comments, shared in the excitement, and just given me so much support. I REALLY appreciate it! Second, I know that I am falling behind on everyone else's blogs, and I apologize!

The past few days have been a whirlwind, but in a good way. On Friday, my caseworker called and said that our BM changed her mind and wanted to meet us. That brought me so much relief, because I have been so nervous that she could still change her mind, so it seemed that wanting to meet us was a good thing. On Friday, we went and registered; that was an overwhelming experience itself. We didn't get to the store until about 7:30 and there was just so much to see and choose from. To be honest, I have no idea if I registered for what we need, but at least it is a start. We also bought our car seat/stroller travel system.

On Saturday morning, we met with our caseworker for a few minutes before we met the BM. We were excited to find out that the BM is okay with us coming to the hospital, giving the baby a bath, things like that. It was more than I was hoping for. She also gave us the social and health histories that the BM had provided, and it was amazing to read because we felt like we were reading about our own families. There were so many similarities - from family vacations, to hobbies, that it was crazy. Next was our face to face meeting with the BM and her mom. We were both nervous as first, but it went so well. I felt like we made a really good connection with her and honestly I just fell in love with her. She is such an amazing woman and I feel so honored that she picked us to adopt her baby. The meeting helped alleviate a lot of our fears and concerns and left us with a really peaceful feeling. During the meeting, we gave her a gift (gift certificate for a pedicure, bath bubbles, lotion, Burt's Bees hands/feet kit, and chocolate) and she gave us a blanket, book, and stuffed animal for the baby.

After the meeting, we went to the store and just bought a bunch of basic, essential baby things, such as diapers, bottles, formula, onesies...it made it start to feel real...like I am buying these things for my son, and not my friend's baby or the baby I might have in the future. That afternoon, my family came over to help set up the nursery so that we could run some more errands.

Tomorrow, we get to go to meet more of the BM's family at a hospital meeting. This is where we will talk about her birthing plan, our role at the hospital, and just basically to review how she wants things to happen. It is so exciting to see things coming together, and now I just can't wait for that phone call saying that she is in labor!

Freaking Out!!! (In a good way)

DH called me this morning and asked if I was busy, because he wanted to come over to my office and talk to me about something. When he got here, he said that he had received a phone call from our case worker...someone has chosen us to adopt their baby! The birth mom (BM) is having a boy and she is due next week. Right now it would a pretty closed adoption, with the chance of it being more open in the future. We are both freaking out. She was using meth until she found out that she was pregnant, and then she stopped. I think that we are leaning towards accepting the baby, but I think that DH and I are both in such a state of shock and feeling overwhelmed that we don't know what to do. We have some stuff, but obviously not everything that we need. It feels so crazy to not know when/if I will get to be a mom, to all of a sudden have it be a possibility so soon. The agency asked us to let them know our decision by the end of today, so I will definitely keep you posted!

Another E-Mail

I still haven't heard anything from the birth mom (bm) who e-mailed us last week, but this morning I saw that I had an e-mail from a different bm, S! S is almost 21 and is 8 weeks pg. She said that she and her bf have decided that now is not a good time for them to be parents, especially since they don't always get along. She started looking at profiles, and ours was one of the ones that stood out to her. I e-mailed her back today, so we'll see if we get a reply. Like I said before, I am not getting my hopes up, but it is so exciting that our profile is getting viewed and that we have had two inquiries in less than a week!

Oh My Goodness!!!

I am NOT getting my hopes up or thinking that this could really be it, BUT I received an e-mail today from a birth mother who saw our profile and wants to get to know us better!

Here is a copy of her e-mail:

I found your profile on itsaboutlove and was very intrigued by you and your words. This is truly a difficult situation but I know that this is the best choice for my baby and myself. I have read your profile and looked at your blog and I feel I have gotten to know you a little better. I am curious as to why you have chosen adoption and would like to know a little more about the process you have been through and how it has affected/changed your lives. Sincerely, M

DH and I are planning on writing back to her today. I am so excited and nervous! I know that I can't count on her to pick us or that things could really progress this fast, but it is nice to know that people are viewing our profile and that we do look appealing to someone! :) I will keep you posted and wish me luck!!!