This and That

I apologize in advance, but this is a very random post!

First, sorry about my little vent from my last post. I totally realize that pregnancy is hard and is definitely not comfortable. My issues with B has been that she only complained, and never said anything positive about being pregnant. I think that it also brought out some jealous feelings in me.

Anyway, not much is new with us. I feel like I should have something exciting to post, but I don't. We are pretty much already for Christmas, and I can't believe that Christmas is this week! I am so excited to celebrate Christmas with J, even if he doesn't know what is going on. Last Christmas was AWFUL - it was my niece's first Christmas, and she was the first grandchild. I absolutely love my niece, but it was so hard to see what we were missing, and to hear the repeated comments about how more grandchildren were wanted. This Christmas will be much better! And, speaking of my niece, I have a slight hunch that her parents may be making a baby announcement this Christmas. My SIL is very health conscious and has always been really thin, but I have noticed a little something around her belly lately. I know that doesn't mean that she is expecting, but I am still "prepping" myself.

I have talked a little bit with other people with IF about BCP after having a baby. Some people have taken the stance that since it was so hard to get the baby in the first place, there is no point in using birth control, while others get back on immediately. DH and I have talked a little about it, and for the meanwhile, I am BCP free. We figured that the chances of us conceiving are low, so why waste the money each month. I honestly believe it would take a miracle for me to get pg.

Earlier in the year, Wistfulgirl's World did a monthly "Secret Pal", where you were assigned someone's blog to follow during the month, offer extra support, etc. Secret Pals was put on hold for a while, but I am so excited that it is back! You can check out this post if you are interested in signing up!

Weekend Thoughts

First, Happy Memorial Day! I hope that everyone has been able to have an enjoyable three day weekend.

This post is kind of a jumbled mix of thoughts all rolled into one.

Last week, I realized that with a few exceptions, I don't feel like I have really allowed myself to grieve. I am the type of person that always tries to hold it in, be strong, and move forward. Generally, I can't just sit and let life go by without trying to be in control. So, when I got the news about my chromosome testing results, I let it sink in and then started moving forward with a new plan. I haven't changed my mind about what I think we should do, but I also realized that part of being able to move forward and being happy is also allowing myself to acknowledge the things that I could be giving up and to grieve those losses. By no means am I giving up hope of ever having biological children, but I do realize that it could be a really long time before that happens.

One thing that was really brought home to me was the desire to know what features DH and I would pass to our biological kids. Maybe that sounds vain, but that is how it is. Last night, we went over to my BIL and SIL house to celebrate my niece's first birthday. I couldn't help but notice which features she shares with her parents. I then started wondering about how different things would have been if we hadn't had our m/c. Our baby and my niece would only have been 3 months apart. Would they be playing together? Would everyone be wanting to spend time with two babies and not just my niece? I know that it is probably not very healthy to dwell on thoughts like these, but I couldn't help it. Then, my mind started to wander to how things could be if/when DH and I end up adopting. Will our family love our baby as much as their biological grandkid/niece? How will I feel watching my child playing with it's cousin? I know that our family will love our children, regardless of the route they take to get here, but it is still something I think about.

Deep down inside, I know that whatever I have to "give up", it will all be worth it when DH and I have our own baby. I realize that if I don't have biological kids, there will probably always be a part of me that mourns what we never had. But, like I said, by letting some things go, we will be getting more in return.

On a more positive note...I got a wonderful package from my Secret Pal in the mail this weekend! She sent me the "Happiness" Willowtree Statue and a little daily spiritual thought. It was such a thoughtful gift and I love it! It totally made my day!!!

Welcome ICLW!

Happy ICLW! If you are new to my blog, here is a quick overview of my TTC history: I went of BC October 2008 and got a BFP December 23, 2008! Sadly, we found out that our baby didn't have a heartbeat at our first prenatal appointment and I started bleeding a few days later. We continued trying on our own until our first RE appointment March 2010. The RE is testing me to see if I have a chromosome problem (which would essentially mean I have bad eggs) which runs in my family and I am just finishing my first cycle on Clomid.

In cycle news, I got a stellar temperature this morning...99.04! However, I am not getting my hopes up because I also think I might be getting sick. I have had a really sore throat and some other respiratory symptoms, so we'll see what happens. I am either 12DPO or 9DPO depending on how you want to interpret my temps. I am not relying on FF to interpet my chart this month. I figure that I will wait and see what my body decides to do the rest of the week, and then maybe I will test Saturday or Sunday.

Also, a BIG THANK YOU to my April Secret Pal! She sent me this super cute bracelet that has charms saying "achieve", "success", and "believe". I love it, it made my day, and it fits perfectly. Thank you so much!!!

Aw, Thanks!

I decided to participate in March Secret Pals this past month, and I am so glad that I did! It has been fun to be a 'secret pal' for someone else and get to know someone else in the blogging IF world.

Yesterday, I got a package in the mail from my secret pal! It TOTALLY made my day!

As you can see from the picture, she sent me a card, an inspirational book, and some earrings that she made me. These earrings are darling...I wish I was that talented to know how to make them!

Thank you so much to whoever my secret pal is! I really appreciate your thoughtfulness!!!