I went in for my regular check-up yesterday, and Jumper seems to still be doing great. Everything seems to be right on track. My OB started talking with me about my plans for delivery and when to come to the hospital if I experience any changes. It is crazy to think that we are getting to that point...12 weeks is not that far away!
At the end of the appointment, I told my doctor about the lump I found. She did a thorough exam and agreed that there is definitely a lump there. She congratulated me on finding it because she said it is somewhat deep in the tissue. She does not think that it is related to my pregnancy, but is most likely benign due to my not showing any other symptoms/changes or having a family history of cancer. She gave me an order to go get a breast u/s done and said that they will tell me right after the u/s if I need to have it biopsied. I was able to get my u/s scheduled and am going in on Wednesday afternoon.
I am really relieved that my doctor listened to me and is taking the lump seriously, but to be honest, I am also really freaking out. I have been doing a lot of online reading, which helps in some ways, but makes it worse in others. I read that 70-80% of lumps found during pregnancy are not cancerous, but that still means that 20-30% are! My mind instantly jumps to worst-case scenario and I start thinking about what being diagnosed with cancer would mean for the rest of my pregnancy. Would I have to deliver early in order to start treatment? How would that affect Jumper? Then I start to think about how cruel it would be for me to finally get my family, only to have me taken away from them. I can't stand the thought of not being there for these kids, and just the thought of it makes me start crying. It hurts so much to think that there is even a slight possibility that maybe I wouldn't be there to see them grow up, that they wouldn't remember me, and that there could be some other woman in my place. I know I am getting way ahead of myself and I need to just wait and see what they find on Wednesday, but it is so hard not to worry.
I have also debated whether I should tell my mom what is going on. Right now, DH is the only other person who knows about the lump, and I have been putting on a brave face for him. I hesitate to talk to my mom because she has been under so much stress as it is, and I hate to add one more thing. My sister is still giving her grief and stressing out the family, plus my mom's parents aren't doing well. They live out of state, so my mom has been considering planning an emergency trip to go see them and help make sure their affairs are in order. I am sure that my mom would want to know what is going on, but part of me wants to wait until at least after Wednesday so that she doesn't have to deal with the added stress.
Showing posts with label Fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fear. Show all posts
Friday, June 10, 2011
Friday, June 3, 2011
27 Weeks!
I can’t believe I have already made it to 27 weeks! That means I am officially leaving the second trimester behind and moving into the final stage! For the most part, I still feel like things are moving so quickly. It is crazy to think that at the end of the summer, I will have this sweet baby girl in my arms. It has been sinking in more and more that she really is coming, and I am getting so excited to meet her.
I have started making more and more progress in getting things ready. I still don’t think that DH has realized all that we need to do. He always falls back to the fact that we were able to get ready for J so quickly, but I have to keep reminding him that we had a ton of showers after J was born, and I just don’t feel like we can plan on having that happen again this time. It has been really fun for me to be able to plan everything and start buying little girl things. So far, I have bought another crib, bedding set, and have started buying her some clothes. I also bought fabric so that I can make her a quilt. Some times it seems like it is easy to prepare for her since we already have J, but other times it seems like there is so much to buy!
I go in for my glucose/diabetes screening next week. I am not too concerned, so hopefully everything goes well. The one thing I am concerned about is that I found a lump on my breast a couple of weeks ago. I showed it to DH and he was able to feel it pretty easily, too. It hasn’t gone away and is maybe a little tender, but only if I am touching it a lot. I read in my WTE book that sometimes women will get lumps because their milk glands get clogged, but it also said that these lumps are usually tender and the surrounding areas are red. I know that chances are it is related to the pregnancy and will not end up being anything to worry about, but it still concerns me. What if it IS something to worry about??? What if after all this time I finally get my precious kids, only to have something else happen?
It is also time for DH and I to sign up for a childbirth class! I don’t think that DH is really looking forward to this – he keeps saying that he has already been through a childbirth, but I keep telling him that it will be much different now that I am the one having the baby. I have been trying to decide between the regular childbirth class and one that has a heavier focus on breathing techniques for people that are going naturally. I haven’t decided yet what I want; I have a feeling I will end up getting an epidural, but there is a small part of me that is considering going natural. I know the classes are filling up pretty quickly, so I need to make some sort of decision soon. I am kind of leaning towards just the normal class, but we’ll see…
I have started making more and more progress in getting things ready. I still don’t think that DH has realized all that we need to do. He always falls back to the fact that we were able to get ready for J so quickly, but I have to keep reminding him that we had a ton of showers after J was born, and I just don’t feel like we can plan on having that happen again this time. It has been really fun for me to be able to plan everything and start buying little girl things. So far, I have bought another crib, bedding set, and have started buying her some clothes. I also bought fabric so that I can make her a quilt. Some times it seems like it is easy to prepare for her since we already have J, but other times it seems like there is so much to buy!
I go in for my glucose/diabetes screening next week. I am not too concerned, so hopefully everything goes well. The one thing I am concerned about is that I found a lump on my breast a couple of weeks ago. I showed it to DH and he was able to feel it pretty easily, too. It hasn’t gone away and is maybe a little tender, but only if I am touching it a lot. I read in my WTE book that sometimes women will get lumps because their milk glands get clogged, but it also said that these lumps are usually tender and the surrounding areas are red. I know that chances are it is related to the pregnancy and will not end up being anything to worry about, but it still concerns me. What if it IS something to worry about??? What if after all this time I finally get my precious kids, only to have something else happen?
It is also time for DH and I to sign up for a childbirth class! I don’t think that DH is really looking forward to this – he keeps saying that he has already been through a childbirth, but I keep telling him that it will be much different now that I am the one having the baby. I have been trying to decide between the regular childbirth class and one that has a heavier focus on breathing techniques for people that are going naturally. I haven’t decided yet what I want; I have a feeling I will end up getting an epidural, but there is a small part of me that is considering going natural. I know the classes are filling up pretty quickly, so I need to make some sort of decision soon. I am kind of leaning towards just the normal class, but we’ll see…
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Nerves
I have had a little case of the nerves lately...it isn't that anything is going wrong; it is the day that I am approaching. It was two years ago today that I found out that our baby did not have a heartbeat. I was 9w 4d, which is just a little further ahead than I am now. Based on the last u/s, I am 9w 1 d, or if you go by my LMP, I will be 9 weeks tomorrow. How ironic is it that my dates are so close, and at the same time of year?
I definitely feel like things are going better than they did two years ago. I have been feeling more sick and I have noticed that I am getting a little "fuller" in my lower abdomen. It isn't anything that anybody but me would notice, but I know that wasn't there last time. I just get nervous that history will repeat itself. Added to that is that I don't go see my OB until February 10, which seems like a lifetime away! My RE didn't want to schedule any other appointments with me because he wanted me to f/u with the genetic counselor. I contacted the counselor, but the response has been slow. She finally called me back last Friday at 4:30, but I missed the call. I called her back and have yet to hear anything from her. At this rate, I will have my normal OB appointment before I ever get to even meet with her!
I definitely feel like things are going better than they did two years ago. I have been feeling more sick and I have noticed that I am getting a little "fuller" in my lower abdomen. It isn't anything that anybody but me would notice, but I know that wasn't there last time. I just get nervous that history will repeat itself. Added to that is that I don't go see my OB until February 10, which seems like a lifetime away! My RE didn't want to schedule any other appointments with me because he wanted me to f/u with the genetic counselor. I contacted the counselor, but the response has been slow. She finally called me back last Friday at 4:30, but I missed the call. I called her back and have yet to hear anything from her. At this rate, I will have my normal OB appointment before I ever get to even meet with her!
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Doom and Gloom
Sorry, I know this is a bit of a "pity party" post, but I don't know why I have this feeling of doom and gloom today. I know that I should be so happy right now. I keep telling myself that I need to be positive, because who knows what will happen with my pg and our little bean. I guess I am just preparing myself for the worst case scenario. I know that it isn't wise for me to get my hopes up too high, because the odds aren't good for someone in my situation. I know that at this point, I can't control what happens; I just need to try and relax and enjoy the ride. But instead, I feel like crying.
It's not like I necessarily feel any different. And I don't think that my labs were really that bad. From the reading I have done online, your betas are supposed to double every 48-72 hours, so I figure mine have got to be okay. I just feel really sad and worried for some reason.
I think that a big part of it is fear. I am so afraid that things aren't going to work out. I absolutely love J so much, but now that I know about this baby, I want it to make it! I am afraid that it is going to be too emotionally hard and painful if I have another m/c. I have one SIL who is due with baby #2 in July, my SIL with the unplanned pg who is due right around the same time as me...plus, I just found out that my good friend is due with twins this summer. I am SO happy for her; she has been trying to have a baby for over a year, and all she has had to show for it up until now was an ectopic pregnancy. It just hurts to know that even though I am pg now, there is such a risk that I won't be for long and that my body can't do something that should be so naturally. I want to be able to be excited with my family and friends, and anticipate the baby that should be coming to our family. I don't want to have to sit and listen in hurt silence while my SILs talk about their growing bellies and anticipate their baby plans. Why is it that one person's joy becomes someone else's trial and sorrow?
I think that perhaps another small reason why I am feeling a little down is that we decided to cancel our Af.lac today. We have been paying on this for a couple years, with the hopes that I would get pg and would get "paid" to have a baby. Earlier this year, we decided that it wasn't worth the monthly expense and we would cancel our plan when open enrollment occurred at the end of the year. When I found out I was pg last week, we started debating again about whether we should keep the plan. We ended up deciding to cancel the plan because we figured that the risk of paying for another year of the plan and not getting anything in return was greater than the possibility of me having a baby. We decided that it would make more sense to just start paying ourselves and saving the money rather than paying Af.lac.
Anyway, I am sorry for such a gloomy post. Part of me wants to confide to one of my IRL friends about what is going on so that I have someone to talk to, especially if things don't work out. I just don't know who it would be. And what would I say? Guess what...I am pg, but I am so scared that it isn't going to work out, that I am becoming a paranoid, emotional psycho? I know that I just need to relax and let whatever happens happen. I am just scared. Scared to lose the baby, and scared to deal with the pain of seeing those who have not lost. Scared to return to that bitter person that I have finally been growing away from.
It's not like I necessarily feel any different. And I don't think that my labs were really that bad. From the reading I have done online, your betas are supposed to double every 48-72 hours, so I figure mine have got to be okay. I just feel really sad and worried for some reason.
I think that a big part of it is fear. I am so afraid that things aren't going to work out. I absolutely love J so much, but now that I know about this baby, I want it to make it! I am afraid that it is going to be too emotionally hard and painful if I have another m/c. I have one SIL who is due with baby #2 in July, my SIL with the unplanned pg who is due right around the same time as me...plus, I just found out that my good friend is due with twins this summer. I am SO happy for her; she has been trying to have a baby for over a year, and all she has had to show for it up until now was an ectopic pregnancy. It just hurts to know that even though I am pg now, there is such a risk that I won't be for long and that my body can't do something that should be so naturally. I want to be able to be excited with my family and friends, and anticipate the baby that should be coming to our family. I don't want to have to sit and listen in hurt silence while my SILs talk about their growing bellies and anticipate their baby plans. Why is it that one person's joy becomes someone else's trial and sorrow?
I think that perhaps another small reason why I am feeling a little down is that we decided to cancel our Af.lac today. We have been paying on this for a couple years, with the hopes that I would get pg and would get "paid" to have a baby. Earlier this year, we decided that it wasn't worth the monthly expense and we would cancel our plan when open enrollment occurred at the end of the year. When I found out I was pg last week, we started debating again about whether we should keep the plan. We ended up deciding to cancel the plan because we figured that the risk of paying for another year of the plan and not getting anything in return was greater than the possibility of me having a baby. We decided that it would make more sense to just start paying ourselves and saving the money rather than paying Af.lac.
Anyway, I am sorry for such a gloomy post. Part of me wants to confide to one of my IRL friends about what is going on so that I have someone to talk to, especially if things don't work out. I just don't know who it would be. And what would I say? Guess what...I am pg, but I am so scared that it isn't going to work out, that I am becoming a paranoid, emotional psycho? I know that I just need to relax and let whatever happens happen. I am just scared. Scared to lose the baby, and scared to deal with the pain of seeing those who have not lost. Scared to return to that bitter person that I have finally been growing away from.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
One of "Those" Girls?!?!
I think that I jinxed myself in my last post.
For the past few days, DH has been teasing me that he thinks I am pregnant. He said, "you have to be pregnant because you have been so ornery and have been feeling sick". My reply - "I doubt it! If we can't have a baby when trying and timing, why now?" I will admit to not feeling quite myself lately - there has been some nausea and fatigue, but I just attributed it to the holiday season and having a new baby. But, after DH's insistence and not really feeling any AF symptoms, I decided to buy a pg test today. And it was positive. Apparently, I am one of "those" girls who gets KU after adopting?!?!
I know that I am FAR from being out of the woods and a long way from another baby. My RE has said that any pg I have has a 2/3 chance of miscarriage, so those definitely are not good odds. I contacted my RE's office, but they are out until after the holiday. I have debated calling my regular OB, but what would she do? Maybe order some blood work that I would not get the results back for until Monday anyway. I have a feeling this is going to be the LONGEST long weekend ever! I know that I will be analyzing every twinge, every possible symptom that AF is coming.
Part of me is super excited to be pg, and then the logical part of me kicks in and thinks about how crazy things will be having two kids under the age of one. If (and this is a big if) things work out, I know that things will be overwhelming to begin with, but hopefully when they are older, they will be best friends because they are so close in age.
So, we'll see what happens...I will keep you updated!
Oh, and do you know what makes this even more interesting? It was two years ago today that I got my first BFP (it ended in a m/c at 10 weeks).
For the past few days, DH has been teasing me that he thinks I am pregnant. He said, "you have to be pregnant because you have been so ornery and have been feeling sick". My reply - "I doubt it! If we can't have a baby when trying and timing, why now?" I will admit to not feeling quite myself lately - there has been some nausea and fatigue, but I just attributed it to the holiday season and having a new baby. But, after DH's insistence and not really feeling any AF symptoms, I decided to buy a pg test today. And it was positive. Apparently, I am one of "those" girls who gets KU after adopting?!?!
I know that I am FAR from being out of the woods and a long way from another baby. My RE has said that any pg I have has a 2/3 chance of miscarriage, so those definitely are not good odds. I contacted my RE's office, but they are out until after the holiday. I have debated calling my regular OB, but what would she do? Maybe order some blood work that I would not get the results back for until Monday anyway. I have a feeling this is going to be the LONGEST long weekend ever! I know that I will be analyzing every twinge, every possible symptom that AF is coming.
Part of me is super excited to be pg, and then the logical part of me kicks in and thinks about how crazy things will be having two kids under the age of one. If (and this is a big if) things work out, I know that things will be overwhelming to begin with, but hopefully when they are older, they will be best friends because they are so close in age.
So, we'll see what happens...I will keep you updated!
Oh, and do you know what makes this even more interesting? It was two years ago today that I got my first BFP (it ended in a m/c at 10 weeks).
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Nothing Yet
We are still waiting for our little guy to arrive. I am hoping that our BM will be induced tomorrow after her appointment, but we'll see. It is crazy to think that this will *hopefully* be our last child-free weekend. On Friday, DH and I went out for a little date night (dinner at one of our favorite Mexican restaurants, and then went to see "Social Network". I feel like we are as ready as we will ever be!
I am so excited for this to happen, but I will admit that there are times when I get a little freaked out. It isn't that I am freaked out to be a mom, it is more being nervous that I could get hurt. I think that when you have been dealing with IF, you learn to put up walls so that you can protect yourself. For example, a BFP doesn't automatically equal happiness: even though you are happy and excited, you are terrified about losing the baby. That is how I feel now. I am so excited to be a mom, for DH to be a dad, and for us to continue on this journey together. But, there is one part of me that says "Remember how IF screwed you over?? What makes you think that this will be any different? If you don't get excited, it won't hurt as bad if it doesn't work out". So, even though our BM seems to be pretty committed to this adoption, there is a small part of me that is holding back. I just don't want to get hurt again. Hopefully once she goes into labor and things are moving forward, I can feel more at peace and realize that this really is happening.
On a side note, some of the things that people say when they learn that I am adopting. I have heard plenty of the usual comments, such as "You are lucky because_____". These comments usually end with statements such as: you don't have to go through labor, you can fit in your pre-baby clothes without any effort, or you won't need to worry about recovering from pregnancy while taking care of your baby. I know that these comments are all well-meaning, but I don't think that people realize I would have gladly experienced any of those things. However, the winner of the inappropriate comment goes to one of my coworkers. She came into my office to tell me congratulations about the upcoming adoption, and she said "You know, I think I kind of know how you feel about infertility, but my problem was the opposite. Instead of not being able to have kids, I was too fertile. I got pregnant a couple times while I was on birth control. So even though I wouldn't say that my kids weren't unwanted, they weren't planned". Umm..okay? All I could do was stare at her and try to think of something to say. I'm sorry, about someone that is too fertile CANNOT know what it is like to be infertile! End of story!!!
I am so excited for this to happen, but I will admit that there are times when I get a little freaked out. It isn't that I am freaked out to be a mom, it is more being nervous that I could get hurt. I think that when you have been dealing with IF, you learn to put up walls so that you can protect yourself. For example, a BFP doesn't automatically equal happiness: even though you are happy and excited, you are terrified about losing the baby. That is how I feel now. I am so excited to be a mom, for DH to be a dad, and for us to continue on this journey together. But, there is one part of me that says "Remember how IF screwed you over?? What makes you think that this will be any different? If you don't get excited, it won't hurt as bad if it doesn't work out". So, even though our BM seems to be pretty committed to this adoption, there is a small part of me that is holding back. I just don't want to get hurt again. Hopefully once she goes into labor and things are moving forward, I can feel more at peace and realize that this really is happening.
On a side note, some of the things that people say when they learn that I am adopting. I have heard plenty of the usual comments, such as "You are lucky because_____". These comments usually end with statements such as: you don't have to go through labor, you can fit in your pre-baby clothes without any effort, or you won't need to worry about recovering from pregnancy while taking care of your baby. I know that these comments are all well-meaning, but I don't think that people realize I would have gladly experienced any of those things. However, the winner of the inappropriate comment goes to one of my coworkers. She came into my office to tell me congratulations about the upcoming adoption, and she said "You know, I think I kind of know how you feel about infertility, but my problem was the opposite. Instead of not being able to have kids, I was too fertile. I got pregnant a couple times while I was on birth control. So even though I wouldn't say that my kids weren't unwanted, they weren't planned". Umm..okay? All I could do was stare at her and try to think of something to say. I'm sorry, about someone that is too fertile CANNOT know what it is like to be infertile! End of story!!!
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