Yesterday was a stressful day!
Things started at about 2:00 AM when I woke up because my phone had a text message. I saw the text was from my cousin and in my half-sleep mind, decided to go back to bed without checking it. When I got up later to get ready for work, I had completely forgotten about the text. I rushed out the door to try and get to work without too many problems, since it was snowing fairly heavily. When I was driving to work, I got a call from my mom. Since it was snowing and the roads were slick, I decided that I would just call her back when I made it in. When I finally listened to my mom's voicemail and checked my cousin's text, I learned that my grandmother had fallen in the night and shattered her shoulder. While it is bad for anyone to break their shoulder, it is especially bad for my grandma because she has mild dementia, and something like this could make it a lot worse.
Later that afternoon, I decided to call DH to figure out what our plans were for the night. My FIL had given us tickets to see a play, but I wasn't sure if DH still wanted to go because of the snow and we would have to drive up the canyon to see it. DH didn't answer his desk phone, so I decided to try his cell. Usually, I would just leave a message and call it good without calling another number, but I am glad that I called his cell this time! When DH finally picked up, he said that he was going to the hospital because he was feeling really dizzy and having some heart palpitations. I left work early so that I could be with him while he was in the ER. DH is diabetic and ever since he had some blood work done a few weeks ago which showed he needs to step up his diet/exercise, he has been paranoid that something bad will happen.
Fortunately, everything with DH and my grandma turned out okay. My grandma needed a total shoulder replacement, but her surgery went really well. The ER said that DH might have felt dizzy from his blood sugar, and that there was nothing suggesting that he was experiencing any heart problems. They thought that his chest pain could have been from the exercise he started doing this past week. He gets to follow-up with his doctor on Monday, but at least everything turned out okay!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Christmas Weekend
I can't believe that Christmas is gone already! Time flies!
I decided to take Christmas Eve off of work. I was really looking forward to having the house to myself and being able to do what I wanted to do. My day was pretty low-key...I did some housework and watched TV until DH came home from work (he got off at 2:00). Later, we headed over to my parent's house to spend the night with them. My family has had a tradition for as long as I can remember where we drive around after dinner to look at the neighborhood Christmas lights. It is such a simple tradition, but I always look forward to it. After that, we read a Christmas book and played some games before everyone headed for bed.
At this point, I recalled that I had a peak on my CBEFM that morning and still had EWCM. DH and I had BD the night before, so I was trying to decide whether I thought it was okay to let things go for another day or if we needed to BD again. I decided to error on the side of caution and convinced DH that we needed to BD again...in the family room AT MY PARENT'S HOUSE! Never in a million years did I think that I would be BD at my parent's house...it was kind of weird, but also kind of fun to be so sneaky!
We spent Christmas morning with my family. DH spoiled me this year...he gave me a new wool coat, a gift card to go to the spa, a cook book, Jazz basketball tickets, and a license plate cover. After we finished up at my parent's house, we went over to visit my MIL. Things were going great over there until DH's brother and his wife arrived with their baby (my niece and my MIL's only grandchild). MIL proceeded to give my niece tons of gifts (which I expected and am TOTALLY fine with), but then started talking about how she has to spoil my niece because she doesn't have any other grandkids, how she would really appreciate having some more, yadda yadda yadda. DH and I kept making comments about how we are "working on it" , but really? Why would she even make comments like that? She knows that we had a m/c, have been TTC for a long time, and that we have started undergoing fertility testing. It's not like we have been sitting around and not being proactive about starting a family. Needless to say, I left her house in a less than cheerful mood. It can be so hard pretending that it is easy being around babies and pg women, and as I have said before, this Christmas has been especially hard.
After we were done at my mil's house, we headed over to DH's grandma's house to see her and DH's dad. Once again, my niece got pretty spoiled, but at least there were no comments as to why there was only one grandchild to spoil. Also, my FIL and his wife gave me a new Coach bag, so I left that family gathering in a better mood.
After that, DH and I decided to head home. We were both exhausted and ready to relax. We watched a movie, then just decided to go to bed.
All in all, it was a very fun Christmas! I just hope that by Christmas next year, I have been able to fulfill my MIL's wish!!!
I decided to take Christmas Eve off of work. I was really looking forward to having the house to myself and being able to do what I wanted to do. My day was pretty low-key...I did some housework and watched TV until DH came home from work (he got off at 2:00). Later, we headed over to my parent's house to spend the night with them. My family has had a tradition for as long as I can remember where we drive around after dinner to look at the neighborhood Christmas lights. It is such a simple tradition, but I always look forward to it. After that, we read a Christmas book and played some games before everyone headed for bed.
At this point, I recalled that I had a peak on my CBEFM that morning and still had EWCM. DH and I had BD the night before, so I was trying to decide whether I thought it was okay to let things go for another day or if we needed to BD again. I decided to error on the side of caution and convinced DH that we needed to BD again...in the family room AT MY PARENT'S HOUSE! Never in a million years did I think that I would be BD at my parent's house...it was kind of weird, but also kind of fun to be so sneaky!
We spent Christmas morning with my family. DH spoiled me this year...he gave me a new wool coat, a gift card to go to the spa, a cook book, Jazz basketball tickets, and a license plate cover. After we finished up at my parent's house, we went over to visit my MIL. Things were going great over there until DH's brother and his wife arrived with their baby (my niece and my MIL's only grandchild). MIL proceeded to give my niece tons of gifts (which I expected and am TOTALLY fine with), but then started talking about how she has to spoil my niece because she doesn't have any other grandkids, how she would really appreciate having some more, yadda yadda yadda. DH and I kept making comments about how we are "working on it" , but really? Why would she even make comments like that? She knows that we had a m/c, have been TTC for a long time, and that we have started undergoing fertility testing. It's not like we have been sitting around and not being proactive about starting a family. Needless to say, I left her house in a less than cheerful mood. It can be so hard pretending that it is easy being around babies and pg women, and as I have said before, this Christmas has been especially hard.
After we were done at my mil's house, we headed over to DH's grandma's house to see her and DH's dad. Once again, my niece got pretty spoiled, but at least there were no comments as to why there was only one grandchild to spoil. Also, my FIL and his wife gave me a new Coach bag, so I left that family gathering in a better mood.
After that, DH and I decided to head home. We were both exhausted and ready to relax. We watched a movie, then just decided to go to bed.
All in all, it was a very fun Christmas! I just hope that by Christmas next year, I have been able to fulfill my MIL's wish!!!
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
CD 14 + EWCM = PEAK!
I was so excited this morning when I saw that I head a "peak" on my CBEFM...that means that I am Oing! When I showed my monitor to DH, he got all excited about it, which I thought was cute. I am glad that is wants to be involved and aware of what is going on with our TTC efforts.
I usually O on day 14, but the past few cycles haven't been until CD 18. I am not sure if it is because of stress or what, but I definitely prefer a CD 14 O. Ever since this cycle started, I have been trying hard to just relax and not dwell as much on TTC. DH and I have been good about BD every other day, and are planning on BD tonight and possibly tomorrow, so hopefully that will be enough. I keep crossing my fingers that I can really take advantage of my increased odds this month and end up with a BFP!
On a bittersweet note, it was exactly one year ago today that I found out I was KU. It was the perfect Christmas present! Hopefully I won't have to wait too long until I see another BFP.
I usually O on day 14, but the past few cycles haven't been until CD 18. I am not sure if it is because of stress or what, but I definitely prefer a CD 14 O. Ever since this cycle started, I have been trying hard to just relax and not dwell as much on TTC. DH and I have been good about BD every other day, and are planning on BD tonight and possibly tomorrow, so hopefully that will be enough. I keep crossing my fingers that I can really take advantage of my increased odds this month and end up with a BFP!
On a bittersweet note, it was exactly one year ago today that I found out I was KU. It was the perfect Christmas present! Hopefully I won't have to wait too long until I see another BFP.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Just What I Needed to Hear
Last week, I sent an e-mail to a good friend who has been TTC for a LONG time. I needed to vent, and I knew that she would understand what I was feeling and have a listening ear. I received a response from her yesterday, and she seriously said exactly what I needed to hear. She talked a lot about different emotions and feelings that she has had since they started TTC and what she has learned through the process. She shared with me three reasons that she could think of for having the road to motherhood be so rocky. In a nutshell, they are:
- This experience is teaching me to better understand others' trials - especially those dealing with infertility/miscarriage. Maybe someday I'll have a daughter who is struggling with TTC and I'll truly be able to understand and help her. When we go through trials, we can become more compassionate because we know what it's like.
- Maybe it's not about me and what I want, but rather that my future children are not finished doing some sort of important work up in heaven. Or maybe they're just not supposed to be born yet. Sounds so obvious and simple, but "when" a person is born determines so much about their lives. I can try to think less about ME and more about the needs of my future children including trying to better prepare our home for them.
- Patience, patience. Here's a quote that she shared:
"Everywhere in nature we are taught the lessons of patience and waiting. We want things a long time before we get them, and the fact that we wanted them a long time makes them all the more precious when they come." (Joseph F. Smith).
Getting my friend's e-mail really helped put things in perspective for me again and realize that it isn't ALL about me. It may be hard to go through this process right now, but hopefully I will come out of it as a better person. I am a firm believer that there is a reason for life and for the trials that we experience. I don't think that things necessarily happen hap-hazardly or that God doesn't care about what we are going through. I just need to suck it up, keep trudging along, and look for ways that I can grow from this experience.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Too Much Stress
I feel like this has been a very stressful, emotional weekend.
On Saturday (yesterday) we had two Christmas parties to go to. The first was a family party with my father-on-law's side of the family. There were several family members there that hadn't ever seen my seven month old niece, so she was the center of attention. I love my niece and think she is darling, but it was hard to have everyone go crazy over her when I kept thinking that if things would've turned out, I would have a four month old baby. The family should have all wanted to see my baby, too.
The second party that we went to was with our friends. My good friend that is barely KU, "A", was hosting the party. One of the girls that was there is due with her first baby this week. A lot of the conversation focused on her pregnancy and what it was like. Even though "A" is still keeping her news quiet, she still had a lot of questions for our friend. Even though I really am happy for both of them, it was hard to share their excitement. Later we were playing a game, and I kept having bad luck and drawing the cards that moved me back on the bored. "A" kept joking about all the bad luck I have and "what have you done for karma to screw you over?" and I kept thinking "no kidding".
Tonight we went with my mother-in-law's extended family downtown to look at the Christmas lights. Once again, my niece was there and it seemed like half the night was spent taking pictures of her. It was hard because I kept thinking that I should have a baby there or at least I should have one in my ute.
Maybe this sounds bad, but I honestly cannot wait for the Christmas season to be over. 2009 has been such a crappy year and I am ready for a fresh start. DH and I are pretty religious, and sometimes I wonder how long God is going to make me go through this trial before enough is enough. How much pain do I have to be in? How long do I have to deal with it? I know that there are many people out there who have gone or are going through much worse than we are, but this is seriously so hard for me. Before we started TTC, I used to always think that the one trial I did not want to have to face was infertility. I was so relieved when I got KU so easily, but that relief was obviously premature. There are days when I hate to see pg woman or babies and I feel so bitter...and that is not me. I don't want to be that bitter, jaded person, but sometimes I hurt so bad that I can't help it.
I feel like these feelings of sadness and stress have been a lot worse in the past few days. I think that it is a combination of the time of year and my friends' recent BFPs. I have been trying to do little things to take my mind of TTC (I went to get a pedicure yesterday), but it is always a temporary fix. Today I was trying to remember the last time I really felt carefree and happy, and it has honestly been a long time. How sad is it that I can't hardly even remember when it was???
To top things off, DH's cousin recently moved in with us for a few months. He is getting married in March and his fiance lives near us (he was living about 2-3 hours away). He is a good kid, but I am seriously having a hard time adjusting to someone else in the house. I feel like my routines are all messed up and that I can't just relax when I get home. If I make it to March without going insane, I think it will be a miracle!
On Saturday (yesterday) we had two Christmas parties to go to. The first was a family party with my father-on-law's side of the family. There were several family members there that hadn't ever seen my seven month old niece, so she was the center of attention. I love my niece and think she is darling, but it was hard to have everyone go crazy over her when I kept thinking that if things would've turned out, I would have a four month old baby. The family should have all wanted to see my baby, too.
The second party that we went to was with our friends. My good friend that is barely KU, "A", was hosting the party. One of the girls that was there is due with her first baby this week. A lot of the conversation focused on her pregnancy and what it was like. Even though "A" is still keeping her news quiet, she still had a lot of questions for our friend. Even though I really am happy for both of them, it was hard to share their excitement. Later we were playing a game, and I kept having bad luck and drawing the cards that moved me back on the bored. "A" kept joking about all the bad luck I have and "what have you done for karma to screw you over?" and I kept thinking "no kidding".
Tonight we went with my mother-in-law's extended family downtown to look at the Christmas lights. Once again, my niece was there and it seemed like half the night was spent taking pictures of her. It was hard because I kept thinking that I should have a baby there or at least I should have one in my ute.
Maybe this sounds bad, but I honestly cannot wait for the Christmas season to be over. 2009 has been such a crappy year and I am ready for a fresh start. DH and I are pretty religious, and sometimes I wonder how long God is going to make me go through this trial before enough is enough. How much pain do I have to be in? How long do I have to deal with it? I know that there are many people out there who have gone or are going through much worse than we are, but this is seriously so hard for me. Before we started TTC, I used to always think that the one trial I did not want to have to face was infertility. I was so relieved when I got KU so easily, but that relief was obviously premature. There are days when I hate to see pg woman or babies and I feel so bitter...and that is not me. I don't want to be that bitter, jaded person, but sometimes I hurt so bad that I can't help it.
I feel like these feelings of sadness and stress have been a lot worse in the past few days. I think that it is a combination of the time of year and my friends' recent BFPs. I have been trying to do little things to take my mind of TTC (I went to get a pedicure yesterday), but it is always a temporary fix. Today I was trying to remember the last time I really felt carefree and happy, and it has honestly been a long time. How sad is it that I can't hardly even remember when it was???
To top things off, DH's cousin recently moved in with us for a few months. He is getting married in March and his fiance lives near us (he was living about 2-3 hours away). He is a good kid, but I am seriously having a hard time adjusting to someone else in the house. I feel like my routines are all messed up and that I can't just relax when I get home. If I make it to March without going insane, I think it will be a miracle!
Friday, December 18, 2009
HSG
I just got back from my HSG, and everything went really well. I was a little bit nervous at first. Not so much about what the results would say, but I guess more nervous about the actual testing process. Things started out when they had me change into a gown and robe. I then had to go back and wait in the normal waiting room for a few minutes. This was pretty awkward, considering that everyone else in the waiting room was wearing their normal clothing. The nurse told me that it would be a few minutes, and this lady turned to me and said "How long is a few minutes?". I guess it was pretty apparent that I was uncomfortable.
When they brought me back for the exam, I was a little disappointed to find out that the person performing the exam was a guy. Even though I was hoping to have a girl perform the exam, he was very professional and did a great job. The most uncomfortable part of the procedure was the speculum, and the entire test was over before I knew it. I was able to see the images from the test right away, and everything looked perfect. Both tubes are open and there were not any abnormalities that could be seen. I should get the final results from my doctor sometime next week, but as of right now, there is nothing to worry about. The tech also said that my chances of conceiving increase by about 20% for the next few months, which is GREAT!!! I can't wait to take advantage of those odds...hopefully that means I will get a BFP soon....wish me luck!!!
When they brought me back for the exam, I was a little disappointed to find out that the person performing the exam was a guy. Even though I was hoping to have a girl perform the exam, he was very professional and did a great job. The most uncomfortable part of the procedure was the speculum, and the entire test was over before I knew it. I was able to see the images from the test right away, and everything looked perfect. Both tubes are open and there were not any abnormalities that could be seen. I should get the final results from my doctor sometime next week, but as of right now, there is nothing to worry about. The tech also said that my chances of conceiving increase by about 20% for the next few months, which is GREAT!!! I can't wait to take advantage of those odds...hopefully that means I will get a BFP soon....wish me luck!!!
Thursday, December 17, 2009
FWP Week Begins and an Update on my PG Friend
I decided that I might as well have FWP week begin a little early, just in case this pain I am experiencing is related to O. The pain hasn't gone away and I think that my CM has become a little wetter, so I figured that it can't hurt. Plus, DH always likes it when I initiate things and it is not just because I got a high or peak on my monitor.
This morning, I got an e-mail from one of the newly pg friends (I'll call her "A") saying that the other newly pg friend ("B") was admitted to the hospital last night for observation because they are pretty sure she has an ectopic pregnancy. It was somewhat expected because B had some spotting and her hormone levels weren't increasing as much as they should be, but still had to hear. As disappointed as I was that I didn't get KU with them, I still didn't want either friend to m/c or have any other problems. I sent B a text and an e-mail with my condolences - I think I will wait to call for a little while since I am pretty sure that she is still in the hospital.
Oh...and by the way, I just found out that yet another friend is expecting again. I am happy for her and it won't be hard to deal with since she lives out of state. But really? Sometimes I just have to wonder what I am doing wrong!
This morning, I got an e-mail from one of the newly pg friends (I'll call her "A") saying that the other newly pg friend ("B") was admitted to the hospital last night for observation because they are pretty sure she has an ectopic pregnancy. It was somewhat expected because B had some spotting and her hormone levels weren't increasing as much as they should be, but still had to hear. As disappointed as I was that I didn't get KU with them, I still didn't want either friend to m/c or have any other problems. I sent B a text and an e-mail with my condolences - I think I will wait to call for a little while since I am pretty sure that she is still in the hospital.
Oh...and by the way, I just found out that yet another friend is expecting again. I am happy for her and it won't be hard to deal with since she lives out of state. But really? Sometimes I just have to wonder what I am doing wrong!
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