Online Dating

I have decided that adoption is a lot like online dating. You make a profile that advertises all of your best qualities and makes you look like an awesome, fun person. After all, everything is relying on this most-important first impression. More than likely, you have scoped out your "competition" and have compared your profile against theirs. Once your profile has gone live, you hope that the right person is looking at your profile and you wonder how long it will take to get any responses. The only difference with adoption is that there are no profiles for you to be out searching...you have to wait for people to come to you! When you do get an e-mail, you have to remind yourself that it is nothing serious and chances are that it will take a while before you find "the one". So, you keep plugging along, checking your profile, scoping the competition, and hoping that someone finds you before you drive yourself too crazy!

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Yesterday, I went to lunch with one of my good childhood friends, M. M and I have known each other since elementary school and we grew up in the same neighborhood and went to the same church. M is also one of my few IRL friends who has gone through IF. I know that she and her DH have been trying for at least a year longer than my DH and I have been TTC. It was SO nice to be able to talk to someone IRL who totally understands what it is like and is in such a similar situation. M and her DH are deciding whether to do IVF or pursue adoption, so maybe we will be adopting together!

27 Candles

I turned 27 on Friday. All things considered, it was a pretty good day. I had to work, but some of my coworkers surprised me with one of those yummy Costco cakes. After work, DH and I got together with some of our friends and went out to dinner. After dinner, we came back to our house and had cake, ice cream, and played games. Last night, DH and I went to dinner with his dad and step-mom, and tonight, we are getting together with my family. My sister's birthday is today, and my other sister's birthday is tomorrow, so this time of year is always busy with birthdays!

DH gave be Photoshop for my birthday, so I am so excited to try it out! I have been wanting it for a while, so it should be fun to play with. Not that I am that great of a photographer...but hopefully this will make it look like I have more talent! :)

I decided that I want to set some goals for myself this year. I realize that most people set their goals at the beginning of the calendar year, but I want to set mine at my birthday. The reason why is that for the past few years, I have always thought "By my next birthday, I will be a mom or at least be pg". And then the next birthday comes along, I am not a mom, and I feel like I failed and am disappointed that I am not where I wanted to be in life. So, I decided to set some goals that I can at least have some control over and accomplish. I have chosen three goals for myself, and they are:

1. Run the Utah Ragnar - This is a 188 mile relay run from Logan, UT to Park City, UT. Each team has twelve members and each runner runs three legs of the race, and each leg ranges from 3 - 8 miles. I am already signed up with a team, so I just need to keep training so that I can keep up and not hold my team back.
2. Get back to my "wedding day" size - hopefully training for the Ragnar will help with this.
3. Learn a new language - I have tried learning Spanish a few times, so I want to stick with it enough to actually learn it this time.

Now, even if I am not pg or don't have a baby by the time I turn 28, I will at least be able to look back at the past year and remember the things that I worked to accomplish.

Yesterday I was soaking in the tub and it finally hit me that we have had another loss, and that we have probably had so many others that we didn't even know about it. Even though I have suspected it before, it was like it kind of sunk in. I kind of broke down and got really frustrated and angry. Why do my babies never get a chance at life? Why don't we get a chance to be parents? I believe that we are given trials for a reason, and obviously this is the trial that is teaching me the most, but it is so hard. So much of my church, community, and extended family focuses on having children and families, and I just feel like a failure sometimes. I know (or at least am hoping) that one day in the future, I will be able to look back on this time in my life and say that the pain was all worth it, because it taught me so much and I have my children. I know that I am not the only person going through trials, and that some people definitely have harder trials than what I am facing, but sometimes it just seems so hard. It is hard to see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and sometimes I feel like I am so far in, that it is hard to remember what the light at the beginning of the tunnel even looked like.

Chemical

AF arrived this morning. On my birthday. Thank you so much, mother nature, for making sure I had an extra special day today. Would it have been too much to ask that you either came on time or an extra day late so that I didn't have to worry about it today?

I am counting this as a chemical pregnancy. At least I know that DH and I are doing everything right, so that hopefully if there is ever a good egg that comes along, we can hopefully take advantage and catch it. It is kind of validating to know that yes, I have had pregnancies besides my first m/c, even though my normal OB seemed pretty doubtful.

I Don't Know What to Think

I think that AF might be late, but I'm not positive, since I stopped tracking my ovulation. I've had some occasional cramping and light spotting, but no other symptoms to suggest she is on her way. I decided to POAS this morning and it was negative, except that there was a few pixels (maybe ten or so) that showed up in the second line. Not enough to call it a line or say it was positive, but enough for me to question. My guess is that I got pg, it was a bad egg, my period will start in a few days, but there was just enough hormone to show a trace of a second line. I am not really counting this as a potential loss, but part of me wonders if this is more proof of my chromosome condition. I know that nothing will come of this....maybe AF is just waiting to visit until tomorrow for a birthday surprise.

Another E-Mail

I still haven't heard anything from the birth mom (bm) who e-mailed us last week, but this morning I saw that I had an e-mail from a different bm, S! S is almost 21 and is 8 weeks pg. She said that she and her bf have decided that now is not a good time for them to be parents, especially since they don't always get along. She started looking at profiles, and ours was one of the ones that stood out to her. I e-mailed her back today, so we'll see if we get a reply. Like I said before, I am not getting my hopes up, but it is so exciting that our profile is getting viewed and that we have had two inquiries in less than a week!

Update and Labor Day Weekend

First, DH and I e-mailed M back on Thursday, and I haven't heard anything yet. However, I did use my work e-mail, so hopefully I will have a response waiting for me when I get to work tomorrow! I am not counting on it, but I would love it if it happened.

DH and I spent our Labor Day weekend camping with his extended family (as in like 40 or so people). I wasn't really too excited to go camping, but DH really wanted to go. I don't mind hanging out with his family, but I just wasn't looking forward to spending my weekend camping.

Anyway, I tried to go with a good attitude, but maybe it is a bad omen when the first thing that is said to you when you get out of the car is "I don't know if C told you, but I am 14 weeks pg". This was said to us by the wife of DH's cousin who was living with us until they got married this past March. I am guessing that this is a surprise pregnancy, because she told us "When you don't have sex until you get married, you end up having sex a lot after". Too bad it isn't that easy for everyone!

Because of this pg announcement, I was the only wife there who wasn't pg or didn't already have kids. It seemed like every conversation with the girls my age revolved around kids or being pg. I honestly felt like I didn't belong/fit in because I had nothing to contribute to the conversation. It wasn't anything that DH's family did wrong, but it was a constant reminder to me that I have failed at getting KU. Several people asked me about our adoption proceedings and it was nice to have them so genuinely interested, but at the same time, it would have been nice to be able to talk with people about things besides the adoption. I mean, there is more to me than that, right?

I kind of had a little breakdown last night in our tent, but lucky for me, I have become a pro at hiding my feelings when I am having a hard time. It sucks that this is the one thing I have learned to succeed at, but I didn't want to ruin DH's weekend. I did tell him a little bit about how I felt like I didn't fit in anywhere because of IF and not having kids, and he just made a joke of it by saying "Well, you seem to fit in with L". L is DH's six year old cousin.

So, I wouldn't say that I had a bad time camping, but it wasn't as fun as I was hoping for. I have always had such fun times with DH's family...I hate having to worry now that maybe I will feel out of place. Hopefully I was just having a rough day and I will be able to feel differently next time.

Oh My Goodness!!!

I am NOT getting my hopes up or thinking that this could really be it, BUT I received an e-mail today from a birth mother who saw our profile and wants to get to know us better!

Here is a copy of her e-mail:

I found your profile on itsaboutlove and was very intrigued by you and your words. This is truly a difficult situation but I know that this is the best choice for my baby and myself. I have read your profile and looked at your blog and I feel I have gotten to know you a little better. I am curious as to why you have chosen adoption and would like to know a little more about the process you have been through and how it has affected/changed your lives. Sincerely, M

DH and I are planning on writing back to her today. I am so excited and nervous! I know that I can't count on her to pick us or that things could really progress this fast, but it is nice to know that people are viewing our profile and that we do look appealing to someone! :) I will keep you posted and wish me luck!!!