Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Quick Update

Thank you SO much to everyone who has given me support from my last post. My sister moved back home last night. Apparently she found out that her boyfriend was cheating on her and she found the courage to move out. She called my mom yesterday afternoon, said she had her stuff packed, and asked if my mom would come pick her up. We are all relieved that not only did she decide to come home, but that she knew she could still call my mom and ask for help.

There isn't too much to update with TTC/adoption. My CBEFM showed a peak today, so we'll see what happens with that. DH and I are almost finished with our adoption paperwork. Our goal is to be done by the end of the week, and then our case worker can come out for the homestudy.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Family Drama

A little background: I am the oldest of five kids in my family. There are four girls and one boy. My middle sister, K, has been battling with some mental health issues for a LONG time. She is bipolar, although some therapists have hinted that she does have symptoms of a personality disorder. When K is having a good day, she can be so sweet and kind. When she is having a bad day, she is completely the opposite. She tends to be VERY impulsive and anything that goes wrong is never her fault. She has been known to meet guys online and instantly fall in love with them/want to marry them, etc. The online dating started when she was probably 15 or so. Now she is 18, so still pretty young. For the past few months, K has been dating a guy, J, she met online who is 26 and very controlling.

Last night, K moved out of my parents house unexpectedly. My mom called her out on how she had stolen $150 from my brother, and I guess that has caused her to act out and it was just the last straw that she could handle. She told my parents that she is moving in with one of J's friends, but we are all pretty sure that she is moving in with J. She wouldn't leave any information about how to get in touch with her. Normally, it wouldn't be too bad for an 18 year old to move out, but we are all pretty worried about K. She doesn't have a car, a cell phone, or a job. She doesn't do well if she doesn't take her meds. She obviously can't afford to live on her own, so how is she going to pay for it? Or, is her payment going to be in sex? I hate having to type that about my sister, but it is a valid concern.

We are hoping that she will realize how good she had it at my parent's house and come home in a few days or weeks. Hopefully it won't be that she is coming home because she is KU, been abused, or some other reason. Hopefully she will realize that she made a mistake. I think it would be great for her to get her own place, but not under these conditions.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Cancelled Appointment

I got a call this morning from the RE's office saying that my appointment needed to be cancelled. Apparently the genetic counselor that we have been working with was pg and she went into labor earlier than expected. Her replacement isn't able to start taking appointments until next week, so our appointment is up in the air. I find it a little ironic that the person we are supposed to meet with because we can't have a baby isn't able to meet with us because she has gone into labor.

On the bright side, my sister and I have started planning a girls trip! We are planning on going to the New England area (we are leaning towards Boston) this October. If anyone has any advice on where to go/what to do/where to stay, I would love it!

Wednesday, June 23, 2010


I broke out the good ol' CBEFM last night. Today is CD 5, which means it is the last day I could start using it this cycle. I haven't used it for a few months, and for some crazy reason I decided to give it a go again. I figured that since I have the strips, I might as well use them rather then just let them sit there. It can't hurt, right? I am still holding to my resolve of not temping, so hopefully using the CBEFM on its own this cycle won't cause me too much anxiety.

Tomorrow, DH and I are going in for our appointment with the genetic counselor. We also invited my mom to come with us since she has the same intrachromosomal insertion as I do and so obviously my siblings are all at risk for having it. I think that the appointment should be interesting, but I seriously doubt that it will change any of our plans. DH and I both figure that we should just get as much knowledge and understanding about our situation as possible. I have a feeling that they will try and talk us into doing IVF, but I just can't see spending that much money on something that has a poor chance of working.

With my "crisis" - thanks for all of the suggestions! I have decided that I am bored but also burned out at the same time. I know that doesn't make a lot of sense. DH and I have been talking, and I think that we will plan a little weekend getaway up to Park City. Not the most exciting destination, but still a change of scenery. I also want to try and plan a girls trip with my sister, so we'll see if I can pull that off, too.

Monday, June 21, 2010


I kind of feel a little bit silly writing this post, but I honestly feel like I am having a mini mid-twenties crisis. Who does that? I kind of feel like my life is in this holding pattern. I am the type of person who needs a project or something to be working on or towards. I don't really do well with having long breaks. I know that seems strange, but I can't really describe it. Like I told DH, after I graduated from nursing school, I got married, then went back for a master's degree, then thought I would be a mom. It has been progressive, I have been able to have some control over it, and I have known what to expect. Little did I know that it would take so long for that next step to happen.

I just feel restless. I find myself daydreaming about DH and me finding new jobs and moving across the country. I even went so far as to look at houses in South Carolina today while I was at work. I know that is VERY extreme...that is why it is just a daydream. But I feel like I need to do SOMETHING. I need SOMETHING on the horizon to look forward to. And, I guess you could argue that I kind of do - we are about halfway finished with all of our paperwork, so maybe we will have the adoption of our baby to look forward to, but that could take a long time. I told DH that maybe I just need to take a vacation (this time without the extended family), but I don't think that is really in the cards right now. We are saving up all of our money to pay for adoption expenses, so I have a hard time justifying spending our savings to take a vacation.

I just feel like I am in a rut. I need to find something to spice things up, but I don't know what. Any suggestions?

Saturday, June 19, 2010

CD 1

Today is CD 1 - I was totally expecting it, but I will admit that part of me was hoping that I would be one of those girls who gets KU once they decide to pursue adoption. I had secret hopes in the back of my head that I would be able to give DH a BFP for Father's Day, but no such luck. :(

Speaking of Father's Day, the other night I asked DH if Father's Day is a hard day for him like Mother's Day is for me and so many other girls going through IF. He said no, not in the way that it is hard for him. He said he always thought he would have kids by now, but it isn't hard or painful. I am sure that it is hard for some guys who are going through IF, but I thought it was interesting how differently us girls handle the emotional aspect of holidays and milestones compared to men.

Earlier today, we went to a dinner party at our church. I knew that there would be several pg ladies there and lots of baby talk. I was a little nervous that I would end up feeling sorry for myself, but I did pretty well, even when a few of the ladies were talking about what they thought mine and DH's kids would look like when we ended up having kids. Of course, none of those ladies knows that we have been TTC for 20+ months now and that we are looking into adoption. DH and I just laughed and went along with the conversation anyway. Hopefully one day in the not too distant future I will have my own kid and can contribute to these types of conversations.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Good Things to Come

One of my friends/family members posted this clip on her blog. Last October, she lost her baby boy at 37 weeks gestation - after already battling IF for two years! She has been such a good example to me as being able to keep moving, despite hard times.

This YouTube clip is associated with our church, but I really liked the message and I think that it anyone who is spiritual and going through a hard time could relate to it.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

A Slight Twist

Ever since we found out about our chromosome testing results back in the beginning of May, we have been waiting to find out if the PGD testing would even work for us. I started doing my own research, and between that and the fact that it was taking the lab so long to make a decision, I concluded that it probably just wasn't a good option.

Yesterday, I got an e-mail from our genetic counselor. She said that the testing would be very complicated, but doable. But, how doable is it for us to actually get healthy and viable embryos? After I received this e-mail, I seriously started stressing out - to the point that I was making myself sick (I thought I was going to throw-up while at the gym). What if we jumped the gun and made our decision too soon? What if we still could have biological kids this way? What if we tried IVF? What if???

Even if our insurance will pay for the testing (in some cases they will), DH and I unfortunately just don't have the funds to pay for IVF, especially if we don't have good odds of getting a baby out of it. We talked about it last night and agreed that even though we aren't changing our plans, we are still going to meet with the counselor to learn all that we can.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Intake Appointment is in the Books!

DH and I just came home from our intake appointment with the adoption agency! It was pretty basic - the case worker asked us some pretty straightforward questions and then explained the process to us:

Next week, our information will go before a review panel to make sure that we meet all the requirements and that we aren't psycho or anything. We will also get a username/password so that we can start answering the more in-depth questionnaires and forms. Once our questionnaires are done, we will do our individual interviews with the case worker and then he will come out for our home study. There are also some classes that we need to attend in July. Shortly after that, we should get our official approval!

I feel really good about choosing this agency. There is a lot of work that goes into supporting birth moms, even if they choose to parent. Their failed match rate is pretty low - about only 1 in every 12 matches ends up failing after the match has been made.

I was a little nervous going into the appointment that it would be hard for me, but it was easy and comfortable. I had visions of me breaking down into tears and being all emotional, but I didn't cry once! It was a little harder for DH - I think it forced him to realize that this is real. He started to question whether we had exhausted our other options and whether we were the "perfect candidate". I reassured him that there are NO perfect candidates. I think it was really overwhelming for him, but in the end we ended up paying the $1000 deposit and moving forward.

I am really excited to keep moving forward! It is nice to feel like we are headed in the right direction and that I have a little bit of control of the process.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Wavering Emotions

I scheduled our intake appointment with adoption agency today. We go in for our appointment Friday at 11:00. I am really excited to be moving forward, but part of me is having a hard time. It sunk in that beginning this Friday, we really could be writing a check and jumping into adoption. It is exciting, but it also is SO overwhelming. Even though I know that we are much more likely to be blessed with kids through adoption than TTC on our own, sometimes I almost feel like I am giving up. I know that adoption is not a quick fix for IF and that the pain of IF will likely continue even after we have adopted a child. I also know that being pg is only a means to an end, but it is still something I want to experience.

I think that these feelings were brought on after spending time with my pg friends and just seeing pg ladies in general. I feel like is some ways I am growing apart from my friends. I know it isn't their fault that they are able to move forward to the next stage of life, and we are getting left behind.

If you have read the Hunger Games series (if not - I highly recommend them), you are familiar with the line "May the odds be ever in your favor". I feel like through this entire TTC, the odds have not been in our favor. I am ready for the odds to be in my favor. And I guess that they have been in many regards - DH and I both have good jobs, a good home, and good health. There is just the one thing that is lacking.

I am hoping that these feelings are normal for someone in my situation. Hopefully things will start to get a little easier as we keep moving forward and making progress.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Nothing New with Me

Not much has been going on with us. I O'd over the weekend, so I am officially in the 2ww. I guess I learned a while ago not to get my hopes up, and so even though we timed our BD, I am not expecting anything exciting. I was feeling kind of sick yesterday (nauseated, headache, tired), but of course it would be WAY to early for it to even mean anything (not that it will). Isn't it funny how after you have been TTC for so long that your mind automatically goes to 'Could this symptom mean I am pg'? Like I said, I am not planning on it meaning just sucks when getting sick happens to time itself with the 2ww.

I have been talking with one of my friends, and I think that we have decided we are going to run a 10k together next month. I am really excited! I have gotten my distance up to 5.5 miles, so I am getting close. I figure that this will be a good goal for me to work towards. Plus, I always feel so much more relaxed when I am running somewhat regularly.

Speaking of friends, I asked my friend A if she knew if B (the one who suddenly just announced that she is KU) and her DH were TTC or if it was a surprise. It sounds like B forgot to take her BCP a few days and this is what happened. Wow. Wouldn't it be nice if it was that easy? On Friday, DH and I went to dinner with a bunch of our friends. B was there, along with my friend L, who is due in August. We got to hear all about the nursery plans/cribs/OB appointments/etc. After dinner, the girls went to Target. L, B, and A went to look at maternity clothes. The other girl that was there (C - who I am running with), and I ended up walking around the store by ourselves. C and her DH have been TTC for a year. Neither of us wanted to be wet blankets, but obviously it would not be fun for us to look at maternity clothing. C and I joked that at least we have each other and that we are going to need to start finding new friends!

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Moving Forward

DH and I have decided to officially start the adoption process, and I couldn't be happier! We are going to use the agency that is associated with our church, LDS Family Services. I was originally a little hesitant to use them because they have been known to have longer wait times, but we both feel like they are the right agency for us. We just need to ask a couple more people if we can use them for references, and then our preliminary application will be in the mail! It is amazing how much more happier and optimistic that I feel since we made this decision. I am so excited to see where this new journey will lead us!