Still Here

I know this post might rub some people the wrong way, so I would recommend NOT reading it if you are having a hard time right now...

I am 38 weeks 4 days right now, but I am ready to be done. I have really enjoyed my pregnancy, and it hasn't been until recently that I have started to feel more uncomfortable and miserable. I keep telling myself that I need to just be grateful and enjoy this ride for as long as it lasts, but it is getting hard.

For the past 10 days or so, I have had contractions pretty much every day. Sometimes it is just a few contractions, and those are manageable, but there are also days when I will have them for hours. On both Saturday and Sunday nights, I had them so badly and they were starting to get close enough together that DH and I were thinking that it was time to head to the hospital...and then they started to fade away. I am sure that these false labor contractions serve some purpose, but it is getting old to have them and feel so exhausted after, and then have it all be for nothing. Add to it that the worst ones usually come at night, so I am not really sleeping.

I think that one of the hardest things has also been that it is getting hard for me to take care of J. He had a pretty bad cold last week that we had to deal with, but now that he is back to normal, he is all over the place...and sometimes I physically can't keep up with him. It makes me feel like such a bad mom to know that it is getting so hard for me to take care of him. I know he won't remember any of this, but it kind of feels like he got the short end of the stick in regards to his first year of life. I am sure that he didn't ask to get a mom who has no energy to play with him or do fun things with him.

I go to the doctor again on Thursday and I am hoping that she will give me some good news. When I went to my appointment last week, she had been called to do an emergency C-section, so I had to see the nurse. The good news from that appointment was that I was measuring a half week ahead, but the bad news was that they didn't check to see if I had effaced or dilated more.

I know that my due date is next week and even if I do go over, the end isn't too far away...I am just ready for it to be the end now! I am so anxious to meet this little girl and enjoy our family of four!

Random Thoughts

I feel like I haven't been the best blogger lately. I think it is probably a combination of not really having anything new to say, but also just being tired and not being online as much.

Things are still going well with the pregnancy. My biggest complaint right now is being tired, but that is definitely manageable. I can't believe that I am almost to 17 weeks! In some ways it seems like time has gone by slowly, but in others, I feel like it is going so fast! I know that September will be here before I know it. I don't think that it has completely kicked in yet that I am pregnant. I thought that it would once I started to get a belly or tell people, but it still seems surreal. Maybe once we find out what we are having or I feel the baby move regularly? Or once I really have to stop wearing my normal clothes? I am so grateful for this opportunity and I want to just soak it in and take advantage of it, but that is easier said than done when it doesn't even feel completely real. Maybe that sounds crazy, but that is my experience right now.

In other happenings, I am having a really hard time with one of my sisters right now. I have posted about her before...you can check them out here and here. Long story short, my sister (K) has a long history of being manipulative, lying, and stealing from my family. She has some mental health issues which are a huge contributor to these problems. She was engaged, but her fiance broke it off last week - most likely due to her lying and some other issues. Don't get me wrong, I am SO glad that she is not getting married; she just isn't ready at all, but I hate how my parents are responding. She has been able to manipulate the situation and take advantage of my parents. K's fiance had bought her a cell phone, car, and a puppy, and he took back all three once the wedding was off. I hate seeing how my parents (especially my mom) are willing to drop everything so that she has what she "needs", even though there are several very good reasons they had restricted those things before she even got engaged! I hate hearing how frustrated my siblings are that live at home because of what K puts them through. For example, my younger brother repeatedly asks me if he can move in with us, even if it means sleeping in our unfinished basement! Basically, I am just sick of seeing my family be taken advantage of because they can't tell K "no". I feel bad because I am the sibling that K gets along with best, but I am at the point of not even wanting to go to my family's house for fear that I will say something I will regret. I don't know what to do about the situation and I am not expecting anyone else to know either; I just needed a place to vent without having to worry about upsetting my family.

Destined for Bitterness?

I am starting to wonder if I will always harbor some level of bitterness for pg women who complain about their pregnancies.

I think I have mentioned this before, but I have a good friend who is pregnant with twins. She is two weeks farther along than me, and it took her about a year and a cycle of Clomid to get pg. So, she hasn't had the easiest journey, but obviously not the worst time, either. I have noticed that whenever my friend talks about her pregnancy, there is usually some element of complaining. I don't think she is necessarily doing it on purpose, and maybe she is just trying to be funny, but it still bothers me to some degree, especially since I know that she HATED it when our other friend constantly complained about her pregnancy last year.

I feel bad, but part of me does not look forward to spending time with her. I know that pregnancy isn't necessarily the easiest thing to live with, and I am sure it is harder with twins. It is still just hard for me to hear others complain about something that I am so thankful for. I wish I knew a nice way to say something to her about it, but I don't want to come across as being snarky.

Oh Brother...

I need to vent for a minute. It is definitely true that adopting a baby eases the pain of not being a mother, but it doesn't take away the pain of IF. I will admit that it has been much easier to deal with the recent rash of pg announcements, but there is still some pain. I for sure still get frustrated when I hear people complain about their pregnancies, whether it is the discomfort, it was unplanned, etc.

This was the case a few minutes ago when I read my friend, B's blog. As a quick reminder, B is the one who had an unplanned pregnancy and has bitched and moaned about it quite a bit...to the point where even my fertile friends are annoyed. She is also the one who has been on a "budget" because her husband has been unemployed and she had to work two jobs, yet continued to spend money like crazy (and then complain about not having money). Anyway...back to what I was saying. I saw that B had posted about reaching her due date, but I was shocked about some of the things that I read. She said that she felt bitter about going over her due date, even though she knows it is not uncommon for first time moms to do so. She also talked about how excited she is to go into labor so that she will finally not be pregnant anymore. There were a few other things that she mentioned that just rubbed me the wrong way. I mean, really? I know that I have not experienced pregnancy, and I am sure it is hard and uncomfortable, but I still hate it when people, especially B, complain about it. There are so many women out there who would give anything to be in her position, and she takes it all for granted. How nice would it be to have an accidental pregnancy without ever trying to get KU?

Now I am sure that the complaining will go from being about her pregnancy to about how hard it is to have a newborn baby...

Bitter

Just a warning...this post is kind of all over the place, so I am sorry if it doesn't seem to flow or make much sense. :)

I know that I said I did pretty well at the shower - and I did - but I can still feel some bitterness creeping back into me. I think that there are just a lot of little things that are contributing.

This month marks two years since we threw out the BCPs...how naive I was, thinking that this would be so easy for us. Even after the loss in January 09, I thought that it would be easy, and we would just have a baby a couple of months later than I had planned. If you had asked me two years ago what I thought would be happening now, I would imagine that I would've said that we would have one kid and be thinking about number two...or maybe even start trying for number two/be KU again. And now, here I am, two years later with nothing to show for it.

I get so tired of having to pretend that things are great. Don't get me wrong...I have a really great husband and a really good life, but it is hard to cover up that my heart is still hurting. Most days I can handle it pretty well and keep a smile pasted on my face, but it does get old. I am tired of hearing the misguided comments, the probing questions, and feeling that I don't have control over my life.

I told DH that I am not looking forward to Christmas this year - it is the year we will spend most of it with his family. He asked why, and I told him that the holidays are too painful. Last year was miserable, especially the time that was spent with his family. Don't get me wrong, I love my in-laws, but it is just hard. My MIL has the uncanny ability to always say something that is well-meaning, but turns out to be very hurtful. DH said that he could say something to his family about there being "certain triggers" that make things hard, but I told him no, because I don't want to be singled out or have people walking on egg shells around me, either. I joked that instead, he should tell his mom that we are spending the holidays in the Caribbean. I asked him if it doesn't ever make him sad to be where we are at right now and not be able to have kids they way we have planned and to not have control over when we will be able to adopt. He said that he doesn't necessarily get sad, but it is more of a bitter feeling for him. I thought that was interesting, considering he always does such a good job of covering it up. When I asked more about it, he said that he has just learned that life is hard, so you have to play the cards that you are dealt. That is true, but it certainly doesn't make it any easier.

I Survived Another Shower...Thank Goodness for Friends!

I went to a shower for my friend, B, this afternoon. I have mentioned B before...she is the friend that had a "surprise" pregnancy a month or so after making comments about how she would "kill herself if she got KU". She is the friend who has complained about the discomforts of pregnancy every chance she gets. She is the friend that got on my nerves before she was pg, but has been even more so since.

I went to the shower with three of my friends. One just had a baby in July (but also gets annoyed with B) and two others who have had problems TTC. I don't know what I would have done without these friends...it made the shower so much better. I swear every other girl there besides my two friends and me had either had a baby recently or was pg. One girl had the tiniest baby bump, but could not take her hands off her belly. After we left, my two friends commented on how "the preggies were coming out of the woodwork" today, and that trend seemed to continue while we went to the mall following the shower.

I am slowly getting better about not being so bitter around pg people and kids, but I still hate it when people take it for granted and complain about how hard it is. This is especially the case with B...she knows that we had a m/c, have struggled with IF, and are hoping to adopt. We have been trying to have a baby for longer than she has even been married, so it sucked to find out that she was able to get KU on accident. I don't mean to complain and whine, I just wish people that knew that someone was struggling with IF wouldn't rub their pg in their face. Thankfully, my two friends feel the same way with this issue, so it is nice to not be alone and have someone who understands/wants to get out of a baby shower as quickly as I do!

People Just Don't Get It

Last night, we went to family dinner at my MIL's house. As much as I enjoy spending time with the family, I always dread it a little bit because it seems like the biggest topic of conversation is always babies. There is only one grandchild on that side of the family, and don't get me wrong - I love my niece - but sometimes it would be nice to talk about something else. Anyway, of course the adoption came up and people were asking DH and me if we had heard anything yet. We said no, and then my MIL proceeded to question us. This is how the conversation went:

MIL: Have you guys considered getting a baby from another country?
Us: Yes, but it is much more expensive and the wait can be much longer. We felt like domestic adoption was the best route for us.
MIL: But there are so many orphans. Why can't you just go to a country and pick out a baby?
Us: Well, it isn't that easy. There is a lot of red tape to go through with both our country and the country where the baby comes from.
MIL: Well, it seems like you should just be able to go pick out a baby and then pay a lawyer to do the adoption.
Us: Unfortunately, it just doesn't work that way. It's not that simple. Some people wait years to adopt a baby from another country, and it just depends on that country's rules.
MIL: When C and J (her sister and BIL) adopted a baby from Columbia, they just went there and got him, and I know it wasn't that expensive. I realize that was a long time ago, and he was 18 months old when they got him, but still.
Us: Most children that are adopted from other countries are not adopted as new babies.
MIL: Well, I bet that D (her brother who lived in Columbia) could call up his friend in Columbia and have him watch for a baby for you. And then you could adopt that baby and not have to keep waiting.
Us: Unfortunately, it just isn't usually that simple. There is much more to it than going to another country and just picking up a baby.
MIL: What other options do you have to get a baby faster?
Us: We could have chosen another agency that has faster placement times, but the fees would have been double or triple what we are paying with ours.
MIL: We can just have a bake sale and raise the money that you need to get a baby faster.

This conversation continued for a little while. I think that my MIL was still convinced that all she needed to do was have her brother call his friend in Columbia and it would be that easy for us to get a baby. I know that she is just excited for us and excited to have a grandchild, but sometimes it is a little much. It would be nice to sometimes talk about other things besides babies...after all, DH and I are still people who still have other interests and lives outside of adoption!

I Feel SO Whiney!

I have been feeling like a downer lately. I think it started a few weeks ago when DH and I decided it wasn't in our budget for me to go to Boston with my sister next month. I understand the reasoning behind it, and I think that it makes sense for us to try to be saving more than we are spending right now. But, I just feel so trapped and burned out. I feel burned out from IF, but also just from life in general.

I think that for so long I had focused on IF, and now that we are trying to adopt and it isn't completely consuming my life right now, I just feel drained and exhausted. Granted, I am still tired of feeling like I am not in control of IF/adoption/life in general, but I just feel tired in general. I think that this has made me have much less tolerance for other things in life. I am tired of not being able to plan things more than a few months in advance. I am bored with work. I am tired of not fitting in at family functions. I don't feel like I am growing and progressing in life. And, as much as I hate to even admit this, I am burned out with church.

Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy my job. I work with great people, my job is super flexible, and I have been there long enough (7+ years!) to have earned some seniority. I feel like I have a really good job for a 27 year old. The problem is, I am bored with my job – it just doesn't stimulate me anymore and I don't feel like I am growing and learning. There have been a few times I have thought about finding a new job, but the problem is that it just doesn't make sense for me to do that. I have sick time, vacation days, and FMLA saved up in case I ever have the privilege of taking maternity leave. My boss has already told me that I can reduce my hours to whatever I want them to be once we have a baby. It doesn't make sense to walk away from that. What if I leave, we get a baby, and then I can't take any time off? Or, what if I stay, and I don't get a baby for a really long time? I know that what I should do is just talk to my boss and ask for an extra project or something to keep me busy. Deep down, I really don't want to leave. I just need a change.

As for church – it isn't an option in my mind for me to change wards (congregations) or just stop going. I know that it would make me feel guilty and I would end up feeling worse. Here is the situation: in my church, most of the adult members have something called "callings". It is basically an assignment that church members are given to do various jobs within the church. Everything is done on a volunteer basis – none of our clergy is paid. For example, we have Sunday school teachers, teachers for the children's classes, teachers that work with the youth, others that help maintain church records, some who do secretary work, etc. My calling right now is to play the piano during Primary (which is where the children meet together). Our church meets together for three hours every week. One hour is called Sacrament Meeting and everyone in the ward meets together. During the other two hours, everyone breaks out into groups based on age. I spend the last two hours of church in Primary. DH and I have been going to our ward for three years, and I have been serving in primary for two years, ten months. Because of this, I feel like I haven't been able to develop any friendships with the people in my ward. I know some of the adults because I have worked with their children, but it isn't anything more than an acquaintance. I used to love going to church, but now I just feel lonely. I don't have friends to talk to; all I see is families and babies and pg women. I would love to make friends in the ward, but it just isn't happening. I don't have the excuse of being new in the ward, so it is just awkward. I know that this is a lot of explanation for something like this, but if you aren't LDS, I think that it can be hard to understand.

I have tried telling DH how I feel burned out and trapped and all of these other feelings, but he just doesn't understand. He will listen to me, and then say something like "Well, you are just going to be even more tied down once we have a baby". True, but it will be different. Like I said, I think that a big reason that I feel this way is because I am so worn out from IF. Even though adoption won't take away IF, it will at least allow me to experience motherhood. He tries to understand, but he just doesn't quite get it.

I started reading "Eat Pray Love" a few weeks ago and I have really been trying to glean some personal insights from it. I am at the part where she is in India, and there was a part that I read last night that really resonated with me. It says:

"There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under my jurisdiction. There are certain lottery tickets I can buy, thereby increasing my odds of finding contentment. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I eat and read and study. I can choose how I'm going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life – whether I will see them as curses or opportunities (and on the occasions when I can't rise to the most optimistic viewpoint, because I'm feeling two damn sorry for myself, I can choose to keep trying to change my outlook). I can choose my words and the tone of voice I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts".

So this is what I will focus on. I can decide how I spend my time, what I think, what I put in my mouth, how I treat my husband/family/friends. Even though it sometimes seems like there is so much that I can't control, I can focus on the many things that I do have a say over. I know that it will be hard and there will definitely be days when I fail miserable, but I can keep trying.

If you are still reading this, thanks for listening to me vent. J

27 Candles

I turned 27 on Friday. All things considered, it was a pretty good day. I had to work, but some of my coworkers surprised me with one of those yummy Costco cakes. After work, DH and I got together with some of our friends and went out to dinner. After dinner, we came back to our house and had cake, ice cream, and played games. Last night, DH and I went to dinner with his dad and step-mom, and tonight, we are getting together with my family. My sister's birthday is today, and my other sister's birthday is tomorrow, so this time of year is always busy with birthdays!

DH gave be Photoshop for my birthday, so I am so excited to try it out! I have been wanting it for a while, so it should be fun to play with. Not that I am that great of a photographer...but hopefully this will make it look like I have more talent! :)

I decided that I want to set some goals for myself this year. I realize that most people set their goals at the beginning of the calendar year, but I want to set mine at my birthday. The reason why is that for the past few years, I have always thought "By my next birthday, I will be a mom or at least be pg". And then the next birthday comes along, I am not a mom, and I feel like I failed and am disappointed that I am not where I wanted to be in life. So, I decided to set some goals that I can at least have some control over and accomplish. I have chosen three goals for myself, and they are:

1. Run the Utah Ragnar - This is a 188 mile relay run from Logan, UT to Park City, UT. Each team has twelve members and each runner runs three legs of the race, and each leg ranges from 3 - 8 miles. I am already signed up with a team, so I just need to keep training so that I can keep up and not hold my team back.
2. Get back to my "wedding day" size - hopefully training for the Ragnar will help with this.
3. Learn a new language - I have tried learning Spanish a few times, so I want to stick with it enough to actually learn it this time.

Now, even if I am not pg or don't have a baby by the time I turn 28, I will at least be able to look back at the past year and remember the things that I worked to accomplish.

Yesterday I was soaking in the tub and it finally hit me that we have had another loss, and that we have probably had so many others that we didn't even know about it. Even though I have suspected it before, it was like it kind of sunk in. I kind of broke down and got really frustrated and angry. Why do my babies never get a chance at life? Why don't we get a chance to be parents? I believe that we are given trials for a reason, and obviously this is the trial that is teaching me the most, but it is so hard. So much of my church, community, and extended family focuses on having children and families, and I just feel like a failure sometimes. I know (or at least am hoping) that one day in the future, I will be able to look back on this time in my life and say that the pain was all worth it, because it taught me so much and I have my children. I know that I am not the only person going through trials, and that some people definitely have harder trials than what I am facing, but sometimes it just seems so hard. It is hard to see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and sometimes I feel like I am so far in, that it is hard to remember what the light at the beginning of the tunnel even looked like.

Update and Labor Day Weekend

First, DH and I e-mailed M back on Thursday, and I haven't heard anything yet. However, I did use my work e-mail, so hopefully I will have a response waiting for me when I get to work tomorrow! I am not counting on it, but I would love it if it happened.

DH and I spent our Labor Day weekend camping with his extended family (as in like 40 or so people). I wasn't really too excited to go camping, but DH really wanted to go. I don't mind hanging out with his family, but I just wasn't looking forward to spending my weekend camping.

Anyway, I tried to go with a good attitude, but maybe it is a bad omen when the first thing that is said to you when you get out of the car is "I don't know if C told you, but I am 14 weeks pg". This was said to us by the wife of DH's cousin who was living with us until they got married this past March. I am guessing that this is a surprise pregnancy, because she told us "When you don't have sex until you get married, you end up having sex a lot after". Too bad it isn't that easy for everyone!

Because of this pg announcement, I was the only wife there who wasn't pg or didn't already have kids. It seemed like every conversation with the girls my age revolved around kids or being pg. I honestly felt like I didn't belong/fit in because I had nothing to contribute to the conversation. It wasn't anything that DH's family did wrong, but it was a constant reminder to me that I have failed at getting KU. Several people asked me about our adoption proceedings and it was nice to have them so genuinely interested, but at the same time, it would have been nice to be able to talk with people about things besides the adoption. I mean, there is more to me than that, right?

I kind of had a little breakdown last night in our tent, but lucky for me, I have become a pro at hiding my feelings when I am having a hard time. It sucks that this is the one thing I have learned to succeed at, but I didn't want to ruin DH's weekend. I did tell him a little bit about how I felt like I didn't fit in anywhere because of IF and not having kids, and he just made a joke of it by saying "Well, you seem to fit in with L". L is DH's six year old cousin.

So, I wouldn't say that I had a bad time camping, but it wasn't as fun as I was hoping for. I have always had such fun times with DH's family...I hate having to worry now that maybe I will feel out of place. Hopefully I was just having a rough day and I will be able to feel differently next time.

Friday Vent

I am just going to warn you in advance that this post might be a little whiny...

Earlier this week, I decided to post on our family blog about how, after struggling with IF, DH and I had decided to adopt. I put in a brief explanation of what had led us to this decision (i.e. the chromosome problem), how I would be changing our blog to make it more available to prospective birth parents, and then just basically said that IF is a sensitive subject - feel free to ask questions, etc., but try to be sensitive/respectful. So far...I have received a total of ZERO comments for this post. I don't know what I was expecting - I guess maybe just a "congratulations" or a "thanks for letting me know that your blog address is changing"...maybe it is too early and I probably shouldn't even care, but I will admit that I was a bit disappointed. It makes me wonder if this subject is just too awkward for people to handle, especially if they have never had problems with IF and conceived really easily. I felt like I was really putting myself out there by sharing this personal information about our lives. It really made me grateful that I have this blog to write my feelings and that it has always been such a good place for me to get help and support. So, THANK YOU!!!

Tomorrow, I am co-hosting a baby shower for my friend, L. It is kind of bittersweet. I am really happy for her and I am glad that she has had such a smooth pregnancy, but it is also a sad reminder of what I am still lacking. Her baby is due right around when ours would have been born last year, and I am seriously worried that her baby will be born on our due date. I am hoping that I will be so busy doing stuff for the shower tomorrow that I won't be able to dwell on any of the "what ifs?" and "why mes?".

I Know I Shouldn't Be Bugged...

Shortly after I found out that one of my good friends, L, was KU last December, one of my other good friends, A, and I decided that we wanted to through her a baby shower. A got KU the same time as L, but she ended up having an ectopic pg. She has wanted a baby for a long time, so we have been able to sympathize with each other.

Anyway, we started planning a baby shower for L. This was kind of a big step for me because normally I go out of my way to avoid going to baby showers, let alone be involved in all of the planning. But, this has been somewhat therapeutic for me. It has helped me get more excited for L's baby and really just made this whole thing easier. I have found that it is easier for me to deal with a friend/family members pg if I am being proactive and trying to give of myself.

Earlier this week, our friend B, who just recently announced that she was unexpectedly KU, started e-mailing about how since she no longer has to work the day of the shower, she wants to help plan it. She was offering to help with food, decorations, etc. The problem is, I REALLY don't want her help. This shower is something that I want to do for L. It is something in the baby world that I have control over. I don't want some fertile chick coming in and taking credit or taking over. Maybe that sounds harsh and probably really petty, but I have a hard time with B as it is.

So now, I have been trying to nip any suggestions she has. For example, she mentioned that she has some decorations - my response? Well, we were just planning on making a diaper cake and getting balloons, since the shower is at a clubhouse. Food? Oh, we already talked about it and have it planned... I know that maybe I should just tell A how I am feeling or even just thank B for her offer, but tell her that we have everything under control. I just don't want to be seen as that bitter/jealous/bitchy girl.

Breaking Down

I hate that I have been such a downer lately, but I have really been struggling for the past few days. The other night, DH and I had a talk about what our plans are. We didn’t really come to any conclusions besides we can’t make a plan until we meet with the counselor, but we decided that we could potentially be interested in IVF, embryo adoption, or traditional adoption. When we were going to bed that night, I totally broke down. It was like everything that I have been holding in just spilled out and I couldn’t stop crying. I told DH about how scared I am that we will never be parents and how heartbreaking it is to think that maybe we will never be blessed with biological children. I told him how hard it can be to go to church (even though church should be the thing that helps you keep going, right?) because there are so many pregnant women there and so many new babies. I shared with him that I live in fear of the day that our friends tell us they are expecting and how hard it will be to pretend to be happy for them. DH reassured me that yes, one day we will be parents and that we will be moving in the right direction again as soon as we can meet with the counselor. I then said how it will be weird to not be trying next month…no OPKs, no CBEFM, no timed BD. DH told me that as far as he is concerned, he thinks that we should keep trying on our own until we have a different plan in place. He also shared a lot of his feelings/hopes/fears. It helped me to realize that DH is still hopeful and is not giving up, but that he also shares some of my own feelings.

I thought that I was doing a little better today, but then I got an e-mail from a friend saying she just wanted to let us know that she and her husband are expecting a baby on December 14. This totally took me by surprise – out of all of our friends, I thought they were the one couple who wasn’t TTC. I e-mailed her back saying congratulations, but to be honest, I only feel bitter. This may make me sound conceited or judgmental, but I don’t understand why they would have a baby now. B (the wife) seemed to always be making comments about how she would kill herself if she was pg. Her husband was laid off in January (had a few months notice) and still is not working, meanwhile she is working two jobs so that they can get by. If they get to have a baby with less than ideal circumstances, why not us? I know that their situation has nothing to do with our problems, but it is still so frustrating. I honestly feel like I just need to find new friends, but I don’t know where to even start and with my luck they would be TTC and fertile.

I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling bitter and frustrated. I hate feeling like I am on the verge of tears and having my heart break. I hate the fact that I live in fear of my friends making a pg announcement and that I sometimes secretly hope that my pg friends will not end up hanging out with us on the weekend. I just wish that I could catch a break with this whole process – can’t something just come easily for once????

Quick Update

Just a quick update on my lab situation...I got an e-mail from the genetic counselor, and she said that my labs were NOT LOST! She said that the lab has the results ready and she was just waiting for them to fax them to her, and then she would give me all the details. That was Friday, and I am STILL WAITING. I hate to be a nag, but how long does it take to get a fax? I hate this waiting! At least I shouldn't have to go in for a redraw or start this whole process over again.

In other random news...I am pretty sure that one of the secretaries at my work is KU. I overheard her talking about how "if she and her boyfriend ever breaks up she will totally hang it over his head and he better not do it to another girl" and she "isn't ready to have this thrown at her". If she is KU, I know that it was definitely not planned...she is only 21, a bit of a partier, and keeps talking about whether she should keep dating her bf. Sometimes I think I would have had better luck getting KU if I had just been promiscuous in my younger days...j/k. Obviously it is just my speculation, but I can't say that I would be happy for her. It is hard to be happy for someone when you know it is an accident and they aren't able to care for a child.

Also, DH and I are heading out of town this weekend! I can't wait - we have seriously been planning this trip for like two years. We are going to spend a few days in Charleston, SC (DH lived there for a few years), and then we are driving over to Nashville, TN for my graduation ceremonies. I graduated from Vanderbilt back in August, but they only do commencement once a year, so we decided to head on over. I am a little concerned because the city is so badly flooded. Hopefully it will work out okay!

WTF!!!

This morning, I decided to e-mail the RE's office to find out if they had heard anything about my chromosome testing results. The nurse called me back and said that they hadn't received any results, so she called the lab that should have completed the testing, and they have NO RECORD OF ANY CHROMOSOME TESTING FOR ME. What??? The nurse confirmed with me again when/where the testing was done, said that she would make a few more calls, and then get back to me. She called me back a little bit later and said that the lab where I went for my draw doesn't have any record of the draw, either. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME??? Does this mean I have to go through another 3WW from hell???

I immediately called the genetic counselor that we are working with and left her a message. I am hoping that somehow, some way, she will be able to track the labs down. Otherwise, it is back to square one. Hopefully, I won't need to go through the entire preauthorization process again. But I really just don't want to have to wait another three weeks to get the results back. I know that in the scheme of things, three weeks isn't that long, but still. This is so frustrating because all of our plans hinge on this one lab test.

One of Those Days

Today was just one of those blah/down days. There really wasn't any one thing that really made me feel down. I think that it was probably a lot of little things...I started spotting, so I have no hopes for a BFP this cycle, I was feeling stressed about getting some things done for church, feeling tired, seeing ladies with cute pg bellies, just little things like that. It all ended up with me having a little pity party and feeling like I could easily burst into tears about my seemingly non-functional uterus and reproductive system in general. I have been doing a lot of the "why me's?"...why haven't I been able to get pg again? Why can't DH and I expand our family? I know that there are so many couples out there in the same situation and everyone has their cross to carry, but I am getting tired of carrying this one.

I think that I am also really stressing about the upcoming test results. Whatever these results say are going to have a HUGE impact on our course of action. I know that we will still be able to have kids if I have the problem, but the thought of it gives me so much anxiety and just stresses me out. My insurance has a website where you can check your lab results/medical information, and I keep checking it to see if anything was posted, but nothing yet. I should have my results by Friday, but I have a feeling that this is going to be a long week.

So I ended up going to the infertility conference yesterday. I went with my friend, M, who has been struggling with IF for 3+ years. I am glad that I went, even though I wouldn't say that I learned a ton of new information. A lot of what was presented seemed somewhat straight forward, but I did learn a few things, plus it was just good to go with a fellow IF sufferer and get that support. Some of the doctors talked about IF basics, natural methods to improve your fertility, and the emotional aspects of IF. If you have the opportunity to go to a conference in your community, I would recommend checking it out, even if it is just to get another source of support.

Frustration!!!

As you can see, I'm feeling a bit frustrated. This morning, I received the following e-mail from the genetics counselor we have been working with:

"Sorry this is taking so long. It usually doesn't. I just got a phone call from the insurance saying that they are denying coverage, which is really unusual. I am going to go ahead and start the appeal process (If that is ok with you). Usually that means that I have to talk with the reviewer directly. I am back in the office on Monday, so hopefully I can get someone next week. They have some new reviewers and I'm a little concerned because I have had a couple of patients who in the past we have gotten approval for that I am really having to fight for. Sorry! But I'll keep trying."

Really??? Why are we the couple that had to get the new guy and ended up not getting approval??? I just want to get this test over with so that I can move on with things. Hopefully we will get an approval after the appeal, but who knows how long that will take. We have been working on this since the beginning of March!

Once again, I am also feeling frustrated with fertility friend. When I plugged in my temp this morning, it moved my O date from CD 12 to CD 19. WTF?!?! Like it matters anyway...I am starting to feel bloated and crampy. My guess is AF will make her appearance this weekend.

Random Thoughts/Vent...

Last night, we got the word that DH's cousin will be moving out on Saturday! I am SO excited!!! Check the end of this post for a little background on the situation. Anyway, I was still feeling pretty stoked this morning when I got up this morning.

Since then, it has been one of those days. I feel like there has been too much baby talk for my liking. Earlier today, I got in a conversation with one of the nurses about kids and daycare. That led into the whole "when are you going to have a baby" conversation. I wasn't planning on going into all the details, but I pretty much ended up sharing our whole story about TTC and the m/c and how I am now going to a specialist. It sucked because I hate being in this situation and I wish that this wasn't my story. I wish that the question wasn't even asked because I already had a baby or was at least KU.

Shortly after that conversation, I was back in my office and I overheard another coworker tell our boss "To expect her throwing up a lot because she is pregnant". Sweet. She already has kids (her youngest is 6) and I am happy for her, but I just wasn't in the mood to hear it. I want to be the one to say that I am nauseated because I am KU!

I have started to get a little nervous about my appointment with the RE next week. My friend that gave me the referral assured me that the whole office is great. I guess I get nervous that they will question why I am going when I haven't had too much preliminary testing. All we have done so far is the S/A and the HSG. I guess I just have to keep telling myself that we are going for a consultation/second opinion and that all these doctors want to do is help me get KU. I just hate stressing over something that is probably not that big of a deal.

Vent over. Time to buck up and get back to life!

I am feeling a little frustrated with FF. FF says that I didn't O until CD 20...I think that I must have O'd before then based on how my body was acting.

Here is a look at my chart as of this morning:


I know it doesn't really make a difference...what's done is done. I am either KU or I'm not. But I just feel frustrated because it seems like each cycle lately has been so varied. My cycles used to be like clockwork, and now I feel like my whole pelvic region is just effed up. My pelvic pain is back, but I don't know if it is bad enough to call the doctor about. What if it is gone by the time the u/s is scheduled? What if it isn't bad enough for them to see what they need? Maybe I should just try and be patient for next week.

Still Not KU, but Thanks for Asking...

Last summer, DH and I went on a cruise to celebrate our third anniversary and for me to have a distraction from our EDD. The cruise we went on arranged for us to sit with two other couples for dinner each night, and we have kept in contact a little bit with them since then. Yesterday, I got an e-mail from one of the ladies, "C", that was directed to the other lady "Y" and me.

This is the extent of our e-mails back and forth:

"C": Hi Ladies, Hope you had a wonderful Christmas and are blessed with the year ahead. We leave on another cruise next Saturday and it got me thinking of who we will be sitting with at dinner every night. Hope all is well. Any babies yet Browniris.

Me: It was good to hear from you! I am jealous that you are headed out on another cruise. I hope that you have a wonderful time! We also had a really nice Christmas. It was nice to spend time with our families. No babies for us yet, but we’ll see what this year brings.

"Y": So nice to hear from you both......I am also jealous but wish you loads of fun on this upcoming cruise :-)...Browniris, I will keep you and DH in prayer for "twins". Here's to a fruitful 2010.

Really??? Only one question is asked in the entire e-mail series and it is whether I am KU yet? I know that they didn't mean to be insensitive, but it kind of caught me off guard. Surely there was something else that could have been said.