Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Pity Party for One

I have been feeling a little down the past couple of days, and I think that there are a few different reasons why. I think that the fact that L had her baby is sinking in. I saw another picture of him, and I started looking for which parent he most resembles. Then I remembered that I wouldn’t be able to do that when we get our baby. Also, I cancelled my double insurance coverage today. We have been paying for me to have double health insurance plus Aflac so that when I got pg and had a baby, everything would be more than paid for. We decided that there wasn’t much point to keep paying for extra coverage when I most likely won’t be KU anytime soon.

When I had my individual interview with the case worker, he said that I need to make sure that I allow myself to grieve what I am losing. I am sure that I have posted this before, but that is really hard for me. I am the type of person that tries to be strong and hold everything in. Part of me is afraid that if I allow myself to grieve, then maybe I am not really ready to adopt. I know that I don’t have to be done grieving IF to be ready to adopt, but it is hard. It is hard to be in a different phase than so many of our other friends. It is hard to see what I am giving up in order for us to have kids. Sometimes I feel like there is something missing and I know what it is (wanting kids), and it is so frustrating to not be able to do more about it. So, that void sometimes gets filled with things that are just a temporary fix, like a shopping trip, even though all it does is take the edge off the pain.

Last night, I was working on the scrapbooking pages for our profile. As I was holding one of the pages and looking it over, I wondered how long it would take for a birth mom to be holding this same page and deciding if we are the ones that should get her baby. If you had told me that we would be in this position a few years ago, I probably wouldn’t have believed you. Sometimes it doesn’t seem real…I know that when all is said and done, it will be worth it, it is just the getting there that is hard.

Monday, July 26, 2010

L had her Baby!

I found out this morning that my good friend, L, had her baby today! He was born a month early, but is doing well.

The best part is that when I opened the text that her husband sent out and saw his picture/info, I was truly happy for her! There was no jealousy, no bitterness...nothing except happiness and excitement for their family! It seems like now that I am moving forward with adoption, it is making it so much easier to deal with pg family/friends and new babies.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Birth Parent Letter

I have been working on our birth parent letter for the past couple of weeks. I want it to be sincere and come across as a true representation of us, but I also worry about it appearing cheesy. So, I have tried to just write it as if I was writing an introduction of our family rather than completely focusing on adoption/birth parents/IF/etc. This is what I have so far... I would LOVE any comments or suggestions! Also - for the sake of this letter, I am just going to use our initials.


Thank you so much for taking a minute to get to know our family better. We became a family of two when we were married August 29, 2006. Although we have had a lot of fun together over the past few years, we are looking forward to becoming a family of three.

We met while attending the same single’s ward in 2005. We quickly became best friends, although M wished that things would move beyond just friendship. L eventually came around, and we began to date in 2006. Many of our friends joke about how M would try and persuade L to date him, and she would find ways to get out of it. The good thing about being best friends before we dated is that we were able to see each other in so many different situations without the stresses that a relationship can bring. We were able to truly get to know each other, and we attribute this to how strong our marriage is now.

We like to have a lot of fun! Some of our favorite activities include boating, riding 4-wheelers, camping, traveling, watching movies, and spending time with family and friends. We also both love music (M plays the drums and L plays the piano). During the week, we will typically spend our evenings at home, and then on the weekend, we will go on a date, go out to dinner, or spend time with friends. We realize that some of our activities may change after we have a child, but we think that as a family we will still be able to have a good time and our home will still be a fun and happy place.

We both come from large families that play important parts in our lives. M has two brothers and one sister; L has three sisters and one brother; and we both have large extended families. We have regular family dinners with each side of our families. We enjoy spending time with our families…some of the things we do together include playing games, date nights, camping, and travel.

More about M:
M is the oldest of four children. He was born and raised in Utah. Growing up, M enjoyed playing the drums, cars, 4-wheeling, and spending time with friends. M has played the drums in several bands, including one that had a song played on the radio. He loves mustangs and racing cars. Before we got married, M rebuilt a Mustang and turned it into a racecar. Now that M no longer has his Mustang, he loves to ride 4-wheelers. His favorite place to go riding is the Sand Dunes. M works as a manager at a credit union.

More about L:
L is the oldest of five children. She was born in Southern California and moved to Utah when she was three. L learned to play the piano when she was younger, and still enjoys playing today. L also loves to cook, make crafts, read, and travel. Some of her goals include composing piano music and visiting every continent (except Antarctica…that is just too cold). L works as a nurse; she chose nursing because she knew it would be flexible when she became a mom.

Another important member of our family is our dog, Faline. She is a miniature pinscher and she has been part of our family since November 2006. She can be a little sassy at times, but she is also very loving and loyal. She loves to spend time with us, our family, and our friends. We often joke that Faline has been an “only child” for too long and that she is overdue to be a big sister.

Thanks for stopping by and getting to know us. If you would like to get to know us better, please feel free to check out our blog: or e-mail us at .

M, L, and Faline

Friday, July 23, 2010

Getting Closer/Long Weekend

I can't believe that in less than two weeks, DH and I should hopefully be officially approved for adoption! It seems like the time has gone so quickly (not that I am complaining)!

I have been working a lot on our profile. I have got the basics of our birth parent letter done, although I am not quite satisfied with it yet. I have also been working on choosing pictures for our photo album, and I am pretty much done with that, too. Next Friday/Saturday DH and I are going to an adoption conference in our area called Families Supporting Adoption. Attending this conference will give us our education credits that we need for approval. It is so exciting to think that we are getting so much closer and that we really are moving forward...infertility has made me feel like no matter how hard I try, I just can't move forward. It is nice to feel like I have some control over the whole process.

Today, DH and I were out running errands and I decided to go into USA Baby. I will admit that it was kind of weird to be there, not be pg, but be looking around for myself. It was exciting to be looking at cribs, bedding, and strollers and to know that these are things that we could start purchasing. It almost seemed surreal - like if I wasn't careful, it would all slip through my fingers or I would wake up and it would just be a dream.

Also, DH and I are lucky enough to be enjoying another long weekend right now! In Utah, there is a holiday called Pioneer Day every July 24th. Pioneer Day commemorates when the Mormon Pioneers entered the Salt Lake Valley and settled the area. It was SO nice to have today off of work, sleep in, and just spend time with DH. Tomorrow we are planning on getting together with my family for a BBQ and fireworks, so that should be fun, too.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010


I can't believe that it is already time for another ICLW! I love this time of the month because it is such a great way to get to "know" other IF bloggers. If you are new to my blog, check out the "Our Story" header to learn more about us. In a nutshell, I was diagnosed with a chromsome insertion in May and we are now in the process of getting approved for adoption. Thanks for stopping by!

Sunday, July 18, 2010

I Survived the Shower!

Well, I survived the shower yesterday...and I must admit that I had a good time! I think that what helped the most was the fact that my friend that was hosting it with me has also had a loss - her baby would actually be due right around the same time as our friend's that was having the shower. Anyway, it was nice to be there to support L, but also nice to be busy keeping things going, overseeing food, and also having people to talk to. I saw a few friends that I hadn't seen in a while, and it was kind of funny because I could tell that a few of them were trying to find a polite way to ask about TTC, but just couldn't get it out. For example, one friend that was there had a baby in December, and I have only seen her once or twice since then. She kept asking how things were going or if I had anything new/exciting going on. I just kept saying that everything was good, but I had nothing to share. Maybe I should have shared the adoption news, but she could have read it on my blog...

Anyway, after the shower I went with a couple of my friends to get pedicures and frozen yogurt. It was so nice to just spend an afternoon with the girls. Most of our good friends live about thirty minutes or so away from us. So, even though we see them pretty regularly, it isn't very often that I get to go spend an afternoon with the girls. It was so relaxing and just what I needed. It also reminded me how much I miss living close to friends.

Also - with the family blog. I did receive an e-mail from a friend (who has also been dealing with IF) saying that she is super excited for our decision and is very supportive of us. I also told a few friends who already knew that we were pursuing adoption about our progress, and they have all been super excited for us as well. I just think that maybe the friends that were most likely to leave a comment on the blog either hadn't read it yet or maybe wanted to give something more than a comment. And maybe everyone else just doesn't know what to say??? I guess what matters is that I know our family and close friends are happy for us and are very supportive.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Friday Vent

I am just going to warn you in advance that this post might be a little whiny...

Earlier this week, I decided to post on our family blog about how, after struggling with IF, DH and I had decided to adopt. I put in a brief explanation of what had led us to this decision (i.e. the chromosome problem), how I would be changing our blog to make it more available to prospective birth parents, and then just basically said that IF is a sensitive subject - feel free to ask questions, etc., but try to be sensitive/respectful. So far...I have received a total of ZERO comments for this post. I don't know what I was expecting - I guess maybe just a "congratulations" or a "thanks for letting me know that your blog address is changing"...maybe it is too early and I probably shouldn't even care, but I will admit that I was a bit disappointed. It makes me wonder if this subject is just too awkward for people to handle, especially if they have never had problems with IF and conceived really easily. I felt like I was really putting myself out there by sharing this personal information about our lives. It really made me grateful that I have this blog to write my feelings and that it has always been such a good place for me to get help and support. So, THANK YOU!!!

Tomorrow, I am co-hosting a baby shower for my friend, L. It is kind of bittersweet. I am really happy for her and I am glad that she has had such a smooth pregnancy, but it is also a sad reminder of what I am still lacking. Her baby is due right around when ours would have been born last year, and I am seriously worried that her baby will be born on our due date. I am hoping that I will be so busy doing stuff for the shower tomorrow that I won't be able to dwell on any of the "what ifs?" and "why mes?".

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Home Study

We had our home study this morning, and it went really well! Our caseworker was seriously there for less than fifteen minutes. He just walked through each room in our house to make sure there were no dangers and had us show him our fire extinguisher. So, we are still on track to move forward and hopefully be approved by the beginning of August! Now, I just need to start focusing more on our collage and birth parent letter.

The letter to birth parents is what is holding me back the most. I want to be sincere, but I don't want to sound cheesy or say all of the cliche things. The caseworker that is going to be taking over with us should be calling us soon, so maybe she will have some suggestions.

Last night, I went to a bridal shower for DH's cousin's fiance. While I was there, the few people that knew we were looking into adoption started asking me about how the process was going for us. Soon, more and more people started to hear pieces of the conversation, and by the end of the shower, I think that pretty much everyone knew. I am okay with them knowing, especially since I am considering posting it on our family blog this week. It was really neat to see how excited everyone got when we told them. I honestly think that they were just as excited for us as if I had announced that I was KU. It made me really grateful to have such a supportive extended family and to be reassured that they will love my baby no matter what.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Family Pictures

Last weekend, DH and I headed up the canyon near my parent's house so that we could have some recent family pictures to use for our adoption profile. We just had my dad take the pictures, and I think that they turned out pretty well.

These are a few of my favorites:

Saturday, July 10, 2010


I feel like I have TOTALLY slacked on blogging lately...Here is what is going on with us:

First, we finished our preliminary adoption paperwork earlier this week. I went in for my individual interview yesterday, and DH has his on Monday. During my individual interview, the case worker asked me if I had any concerns about anything. I told him that even though I really feel like adoption is the right thing for us, it is sometimes really hard to be around friends that are pg, especially when it happened so easily for them. He assured me that this is normal, that I need to allow myself to grieve, but that when that baby is placed in my arms, I will love that baby just as much as I would have if i carried it for nine months and it won't matter that I didn't.

We are having our homestudy done on Tuesday. I have heard of some people that freak out about this and go overboard with getting their house spotless, but I am not too worried about it. We still need to go to the adoption classes (we are going to an adoption conference at the end of the month). Out case worker said that assuming we get all of our profile information together (pictures, letter to birth parents, etc) within the next few weeks, we should be officially approved the first week of August!

The case worker also said that DH and I have three things working in our favor that will hopefully help us get picked for a baby faster. First, we are young. Second, we don't have any kids. Third, I have a mixed ethnicity (my grandma's family originates from India), so we don't look like every other Caucasian couple out there. Supposedly, this will make our profile more appealing to birth moms if they/their baby is biracial.

In other news, I think that I am going to "out" myself on our family blog. Most of the people that read that blog either know about our m/c or know that we have been TTC, but not everyone. There are a couple of reasons that I think I am going to do this. The biggest reason is that I would like to include our family blog in our adoption profile. Right now, our blog is private and the address includes our first and last names. So, I will need to change our blog address and allow it to be public again. Another reason I am thinking of sharing is just because that way there are no questions from our friends/family about what is going on. I also think that it probably wouldn't hurt for people to know - for all I know, maybe they know someone who is considering placing a baby.

If you have ever outed your IF to family/friends, how did it go? Any suggestions? I know FOR SURE that I will NOT be sharing this blog with them. I still need this as a place to share my own thoughts without anyone IRL passing judgement or getting their feelings hurt.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

I Know I Shouldn't Be Bugged...

Shortly after I found out that one of my good friends, L, was KU last December, one of my other good friends, A, and I decided that we wanted to through her a baby shower. A got KU the same time as L, but she ended up having an ectopic pg. She has wanted a baby for a long time, so we have been able to sympathize with each other.

Anyway, we started planning a baby shower for L. This was kind of a big step for me because normally I go out of my way to avoid going to baby showers, let alone be involved in all of the planning. But, this has been somewhat therapeutic for me. It has helped me get more excited for L's baby and really just made this whole thing easier. I have found that it is easier for me to deal with a friend/family members pg if I am being proactive and trying to give of myself.

Earlier this week, our friend B, who just recently announced that she was unexpectedly KU, started e-mailing about how since she no longer has to work the day of the shower, she wants to help plan it. She was offering to help with food, decorations, etc. The problem is, I REALLY don't want her help. This shower is something that I want to do for L. It is something in the baby world that I have control over. I don't want some fertile chick coming in and taking credit or taking over. Maybe that sounds harsh and probably really petty, but I have a hard time with B as it is.

So now, I have been trying to nip any suggestions she has. For example, she mentioned that she has some decorations - my response? Well, we were just planning on making a diaper cake and getting balloons, since the shower is at a clubhouse. Food? Oh, we already talked about it and have it planned... I know that maybe I should just tell A how I am feeling or even just thank B for her offer, but tell her that we have everything under control. I just don't want to be seen as that bitter/jealous/bitchy girl.