Normal!

I got a letter in the mail yesterday stating that my integrated screening came back NORMAL!!! What a relief! Even though I wasn't super concerned that there would be any problems, there was still part of me that worried, especially because of my chromosome insertion. It is so good to know that Jumper is healthy!

We have our big anatomy u/s on April 12...I can't wait to see Jumper again in a few weeks!

Also - thanks for the comments from my post about my sister. I just really needed to vent to someone outside of the situation. It was a huge help to me to get those frustrations off of my chest. I still am frustrated with her behavior, but at least I feel like I could deal with it better now.

One Week Down

Well, I must admit that my first week back to work wasn't too bad. I did shed a few tears when I had to leave J on Monday, but it wasn't anything too crazy. I think that it has helped that I am working Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, so I still get to spend every other day home with J. He is such a sweet and well-tempered baby, so it isn't like I feel a need for a break or anything like that. J is growing and developing so much right now, so I worry that I will miss something. For example, he is so close to laughing - we got him laughing a little bit last night, but what if when he really begins laughing, it is with my sister?

I am also hoping that I will be able to blog more now that I am back at work. I used to do most of my blogging on my lunch break, so maybe I can get into a good rhythm again and try to stay caught up with what is going on with everyone.

I feel like the first tri symptoms have definitely kicked in more - and I am NOT complaining. There has been much more nausea, a little bit of vomiting, and more fatigue. DH keeps telling me that I should complain to him, but I don't feel like I can. It isn't that I don't think he will listen or sympathize. It's the fact that I have been wanting to get pregnant for over two years and I have always said that I would be so grateful to be sick if that is what it took to have a baby. I still feel that way. I am SO grateful for this opportunity and I pray that it will last and this baby will keep growing and be healthy. And if being sick for a while is what it takes, then I will do it with a smile. I do worry that I can't make the most of the time I do have with J because I feel so tired or nauseas. I know that he won't remember and can't understand what is going on, but I just don't want him to miss out on anything, either.

1459

Yesterday's lab result was 1459. This is slightly less than double of Monday's result of 767. I am not sure if this is okay or not....my doctor's office is closed until Monday! The only reason I know the result is my insurance has a website where you can look up your medical records online. In anyone's experience, does this number look okay?

I hate having to wait until Monday to hear anything from the doctor...I am getting ready for another long weekend! At least DH, J, and I are planning on heading down to southern Utah to spend some time with his dad, so hopefully that will help make the weekend go by a little bit faster. :)

Game Plan

I heard back from the RE's office yesterday morning and he ordered a Bhcg for yesterday and another one for tomorrow. The sent me an e-mail this morning saying that yesterday's labs looked great and my number was 767. So, I will go back tomorrow afternoon in the hopes that they have doubled since Monday.

Assuming that nothing changes between now and then, I will go in for a viability scan just after six weeks. I know that is only a couple weeks away, but it seems like such a long time to wait!

TMI alert: I know this is normal to experience, but I have this clear discharge and it always freaks me out because I am afraid that I am spotting. A trip to the bathroom reveals that I am just being paranoid. I also almost always feel like I need to pee, even if I just barely went, and it almost makes me feel like I have cramps. I know that I just need to relax and enjoy this for however long it lasts, but it is so hard not to be nervous. This probably sounds a little crazy, but I am GRATEFUL for the pg symptoms that I have been feeling, because it is a good reminder that there is a baby growing inside me. I haven't had any symptoms that have been too awful: my boobs are definitely tender, plus the frequent urination that I mentioned, and some transient nausea and fatigue.

Hopefully I can get some good news tomorrow that will help me relax a little bit more!

One of "Those" Girls?!?!

I think that I jinxed myself in my last post.

For the past few days, DH has been teasing me that he thinks I am pregnant. He said, "you have to be pregnant because you have been so ornery and have been feeling sick". My reply - "I doubt it! If we can't have a baby when trying and timing, why now?" I will admit to not feeling quite myself lately - there has been some nausea and fatigue, but I just attributed it to the holiday season and having a new baby. But, after DH's insistence and not really feeling any AF symptoms, I decided to buy a pg test today. And it was positive. Apparently, I am one of "those" girls who gets KU after adopting?!?!

I know that I am FAR from being out of the woods and a long way from another baby. My RE has said that any pg I have has a 2/3 chance of miscarriage, so those definitely are not good odds. I contacted my RE's office, but they are out until after the holiday. I have debated calling my regular OB, but what would she do? Maybe order some blood work that I would not get the results back for until Monday anyway. I have a feeling this is going to be the LONGEST long weekend ever! I know that I will be analyzing every twinge, every possible symptom that AF is coming.

Part of me is super excited to be pg, and then the logical part of me kicks in and thinks about how crazy things will be having two kids under the age of one. If (and this is a big if) things work out, I know that things will be overwhelming to begin with, but hopefully when they are older, they will be best friends because they are so close in age.

So, we'll see what happens...I will keep you updated!

Oh, and do you know what makes this even more interesting? It was two years ago today that I got my first BFP (it ended in a m/c at 10 weeks).

I Don't Know What to Think

I think that AF might be late, but I'm not positive, since I stopped tracking my ovulation. I've had some occasional cramping and light spotting, but no other symptoms to suggest she is on her way. I decided to POAS this morning and it was negative, except that there was a few pixels (maybe ten or so) that showed up in the second line. Not enough to call it a line or say it was positive, but enough for me to question. My guess is that I got pg, it was a bad egg, my period will start in a few days, but there was just enough hormone to show a trace of a second line. I am not really counting this as a potential loss, but part of me wonders if this is more proof of my chromosome condition. I know that nothing will come of this....maybe AF is just waiting to visit until tomorrow for a birthday surprise.

A Slight Twist

Ever since we found out about our chromosome testing results back in the beginning of May, we have been waiting to find out if the PGD testing would even work for us. I started doing my own research, and between that and the fact that it was taking the lab so long to make a decision, I concluded that it probably just wasn't a good option.

Yesterday, I got an e-mail from our genetic counselor. She said that the testing would be very complicated, but doable. But, how doable is it for us to actually get healthy and viable embryos? After I received this e-mail, I seriously started stressing out - to the point that I was making myself sick (I thought I was going to throw-up while at the gym). What if we jumped the gun and made our decision too soon? What if we still could have biological kids this way? What if we tried IVF? What if???

Even if our insurance will pay for the testing (in some cases they will), DH and I unfortunately just don't have the funds to pay for IVF, especially if we don't have good odds of getting a baby out of it. We talked about it last night and agreed that even though we aren't changing our plans, we are still going to meet with the counselor to learn all that we can.

Praying For a Miracle

I got a call from the genetic counselor this afternoon...the results are in, and I did inherit the chromosome translocation. Basically, part of my #2 chromosome is attached to my #5 chromosome. The genetic counselor said that while it isn't impossible for us to have a baby, this type of chromosome abnormality will make doing the pregenetic diagnosis (PGD) a little more tricky. She got some more information from me and said that she is going to talk to the lab and a doctor who specializes in this kind of stuff. When I get back into town, we will meet with her and hopefully they will be able to predict the likelihood of getting a healthy embryo. She said that it will hopefully be greater than 5%. 5%...not to mention the 50% chance that it would even implant and I would have a baby.

At this point I am just feeling really overwhelmed. I think that it is all still sinking in. It is nice to finally have an answer for our situation, but this isn't the answer I was hoping for. The counselor kept saying that at least we know that my mom was able to have five healthy children, so not to give up hope. I am guessing that our options are either to do the IVF with PGD and hope that we get a healthy embryo, do embryo adoption, or go forward with normal adoption. We will find out more when we meet with her in a few weeks, but at this point I think it will take a miracle for me to have a biological child.

At least I know that I don't need to waste any more money on birth control.

Quick Update

Just a quick update on my lab situation...I got an e-mail from the genetic counselor, and she said that my labs were NOT LOST! She said that the lab has the results ready and she was just waiting for them to fax them to her, and then she would give me all the details. That was Friday, and I am STILL WAITING. I hate to be a nag, but how long does it take to get a fax? I hate this waiting! At least I shouldn't have to go in for a redraw or start this whole process over again.

In other random news...I am pretty sure that one of the secretaries at my work is KU. I overheard her talking about how "if she and her boyfriend ever breaks up she will totally hang it over his head and he better not do it to another girl" and she "isn't ready to have this thrown at her". If she is KU, I know that it was definitely not planned...she is only 21, a bit of a partier, and keeps talking about whether she should keep dating her bf. Sometimes I think I would have had better luck getting KU if I had just been promiscuous in my younger days...j/k. Obviously it is just my speculation, but I can't say that I would be happy for her. It is hard to be happy for someone when you know it is an accident and they aren't able to care for a child.

Also, DH and I are heading out of town this weekend! I can't wait - we have seriously been planning this trip for like two years. We are going to spend a few days in Charleston, SC (DH lived there for a few years), and then we are driving over to Nashville, TN for my graduation ceremonies. I graduated from Vanderbilt back in August, but they only do commencement once a year, so we decided to head on over. I am a little concerned because the city is so badly flooded. Hopefully it will work out okay!

WTF!!!

This morning, I decided to e-mail the RE's office to find out if they had heard anything about my chromosome testing results. The nurse called me back and said that they hadn't received any results, so she called the lab that should have completed the testing, and they have NO RECORD OF ANY CHROMOSOME TESTING FOR ME. What??? The nurse confirmed with me again when/where the testing was done, said that she would make a few more calls, and then get back to me. She called me back a little bit later and said that the lab where I went for my draw doesn't have any record of the draw, either. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME??? Does this mean I have to go through another 3WW from hell???

I immediately called the genetic counselor that we are working with and left her a message. I am hoping that somehow, some way, she will be able to track the labs down. Otherwise, it is back to square one. Hopefully, I won't need to go through the entire preauthorization process again. But I really just don't want to have to wait another three weeks to get the results back. I know that in the scheme of things, three weeks isn't that long, but still. This is so frustrating because all of our plans hinge on this one lab test.

Waiting

I decided to POAS today...and got a BFN. So now I am just waiting for AF to arrive. Part of me is trying to be hopeful that maybe I just tested too soon, since I haven't had any spotting at all. I have been cramping for the past few days though, so I really don't want to get my hopes up too much. If I still haven't seen AF by Monday, I will test again.

I sent an e-mail to the RE's office to see what they want to do this cycle. Every part of my plan hinges on getting the chrosome test results back...and those will come any day now. My tentative plan is to do another cycle on Clomid. I am NOT going to temp this month and I am going to try an OPK instead of my CBEFM. I also ordered some Preseed...we usually don't really need it, but sometimes DH wishes that we could use lube, so I figure it can't hurt.

If the test results show that I have the chromosome abnormality, I guess we will be going in to talk to the RE about IVF. I honestly don't know if DH and I will be financially able to go down that road. I started looking into 'medical tourism' - meaning we would go to another country for IVF, but that creates a whole other list of questions.

So, for the meanwhile, we are just holding tight and hoping for the best.

Monitoring Appointment

I had my monitoring appointment for my first Clomid cycle last Friday. Everything went really well. My doctor wasn't in, so I saw another RE in the office. He was really helpful. He told me that he could see two follies and that it *appeared* that I was ovulating right around the appointment time. Apparently there was quite a bit of fluid that he could see on the u/s that indicated O? He told me to make sure we "try to get pg" for the next four days and then I will either by KU or AF will come.

The frustrating thing is that my CBEFM still hasn't shown a peak. It never peaked last month, so this could be the second month in a row that it missed it. I guess it is possible I still haven't O'd yet...but I think that I did. My O pains have gone away and I haven't had as much EWCM. My temps haven't been really conclusive, but I also got up super early this morning, so I don't feel that today's was super accurate. So, while I am hoping that the Clomid works this time and I end up KU, I am also thinking about trying an OPK in addition to the CBEFM. I have heard the Clear Blue Easy OPKs are good, but does anyone have any recommendations?

So yesterday during church our Bishop got up and started talking about how he and his wife have struggled with IF. He said that they got their twins through IVF (which I knew) and that there other daughter was a miracle baby. He talked about how they would really like to have a fourth child, and that the process of going through IF has really taught him and his wife about how aware God is of their family. Of course I ended up crying, but I thought it was kind of cool how he would be so open and talk about this struggle. A few minutes later, another lady got up and talked about how she gave birth a few weeks ago to her son who had died in-utero. At that point, I got really choked up and started crying even more. I don't really know this person (I just know who she is), but it struck me about how common of a problem having children is. Most of us grow up thinking that we will be able to have as many babies as we want and that they will come when we want them. Instead, so many of us are faced with this struggle...it doesn't discriminate.

Good News!!!

When I got to work this morning, I saw that I had an e-mail from the genetic counselor we have been working with. She told us that she was able to get the chromosome testing approved!!! I guess the problem is that there is only one doctor on the review committee that is really familiar with genetic testing and why someone in our situation would need it. So, she scheduled the appeal when she knew he would be there, which resulted in our approval! I am just waiting for her to fax the order to the lab, and then I can go get the testing done. The results will take about three weeks to get, but at least then we will know either way.

As a reminder...My RE recommended that I get tested for a chromosome balance translocation because it runs in my family. My mom has it, and she had eight m/c (although she was able to have five kids). If I have it, there is a good chance that some of my eggs would be affected so badly that it would not be compatible with life. He said that any pg would have a 2/3 chance of m/c. So, if we do have it, he is recommending we go straight to IVF. I am keeping my fingers crossed that the testing comes out all clear. The RE said that he would guess there is a greater than 10% chance that I have it, so I guess the odds are hopefully in my favor that everything comes back okay.

In other news...tomorrow is my first monitoring appointment. I am a little nervous. I wish that there was a way to already know that the Clomid is working - like I could feel my follies growing or something. I have had a few O-type twinges, so hopefully things will go well at tomorrow's appointment!

Frustration!!!

As you can see, I'm feeling a bit frustrated. This morning, I received the following e-mail from the genetics counselor we have been working with:

"Sorry this is taking so long. It usually doesn't. I just got a phone call from the insurance saying that they are denying coverage, which is really unusual. I am going to go ahead and start the appeal process (If that is ok with you). Usually that means that I have to talk with the reviewer directly. I am back in the office on Monday, so hopefully I can get someone next week. They have some new reviewers and I'm a little concerned because I have had a couple of patients who in the past we have gotten approval for that I am really having to fight for. Sorry! But I'll keep trying."

Really??? Why are we the couple that had to get the new guy and ended up not getting approval??? I just want to get this test over with so that I can move on with things. Hopefully we will get an approval after the appeal, but who knows how long that will take. We have been working on this since the beginning of March!

Once again, I am also feeling frustrated with fertility friend. When I plugged in my temp this morning, it moved my O date from CD 12 to CD 19. WTF?!?! Like it matters anyway...I am starting to feel bloated and crampy. My guess is AF will make her appearance this weekend.

Quick Update on Chromosome Testing

So I e-mailed the genetic counselor that we are working with to see if she had heard back from my insurance yet. She had originally said that she thought we would have an answer by Friday, but Monday at the latest. The counselor responded to my e-mail and said "Well we got the new guy reviewing your case, so moving a little slower than usual. I called and they think it will be done by the beginning of next week. I’ll keep you posted!".

I know that the wait will be worth it if the insurance ends up paying for the test, but I am started to get frustrated. It takes 2-3 weeks to get the test results, so at this rate, I won't have any results for my appointment with the RE the first week in April. We are waiting to decide what to do next based on these results. Will there even be a point in going to the appointment? Argh!!!

Unofficial Results

My insurance offers a service where members can look up some of their health information online. You can basically access labs, test results, and things like that. Since I hadn't heard from my doctor yet, I decided to check and see if Friday's u/s was posted. It was...

Basically, my results said that everything looked normal. My uterus is normal in size and appearance, measuring 8.8cm long. My left ovary is 3.4x1.7x3.3 cm and the right is 3.4x2.0x4.9 cm. They couldn't see anything that would cause a problem.

I know that I should be grateful that everything looks okay, but at the same time it is a little frustrating. Part of me wishes I had just waited until the pain was bad again. I wish that I had a clue as to what is going on with my body, but I just feel like I am left with more questions than answers. If there isn't anything wrong down there, why does it hurt so bad? I feel like there has to be a reason, and I know it isn't just in my head.

On another note, I have a feeling that AF will be here any day now. I have been feeling really crampy today. Oh...and DH's cousin is still here. Nope, he didn't move out yesterday like he was planning on. Instead he broke one of my barstools and his fiance broke one of my dishes. I have lost all patience, which makes me feel bad, because I am normally not that type of person.

Anyway...hopefully I can start feeling better about our progress and get some answers this week.

Quick Update

Yesterday I decided to call my primary care doctor and take her up on her offer for an u/s. My pelvic pain was back - not the worst it has ever been - but still bothering me. I figured that I might as well try - my insurance should pay for it 100%, especially since it is the primary care doctor ordering it for pelvic pain and not the RE ordering it for IF.

My doctor wasn't in the office yesterday, so her nurse called me back this morning and said that they wanted to schedule me for an u/s. Of course, the pain is super minor and practically non-existent today. But, since they were able to get me in at 10:45 this morning, I decided to go have the u/s. done. I guess everything went okay...there were two techs and I asked them if they saw anything, and all they would say is that they don't interpret the results; the radiologist will and then I will get a call from my doctor today or Monday. I know it has to be the radiologist that gives the final interpretation, but wouldn't they know if there was something abnormal or if everything looks okay? One of the techs did ask me where I was in my cycle...not sure if that was because she saw any cysts or if she just wondered if I was having O pain or menstrual cramping or something.

So, we'll see what happens. Regardless, I will be able to take the results with me to the RE next week. Hopefully whatever the u/s shows will lead us in the right direction.

BFN

I haven't charted for a while, but I decided to check my temperature this morning because I felt so hot. To my delight, it was 99.04, which is higher than it ever was when I was charting. After consulting with the Bump ladies, I decided that I would POAS after work, assuming there was no spotting. This is kind of a big deal for me, because I have a phobia of getting a BFN. I rarely POAS unless AF is late. Anyway, I POAS and got a BFN. I was super disappointed, but figured that maybe it was a little too early or maybe the problem was that I didn't use my morning urine. I headed off to the gym, having decided that I would wait until Wednesday and then retest if nothing changed.

When I came home from the gym, I went to the bathroom to check my underwear to check things out. Unfortunately, there was the start of some brown discharge. It looks like I am out this cycle. I was trying so hard not to get my hopes up, but it was still really hard and discouraging to see. I then turned on my "I'm Frustrated Mix" - the CD I listen to when I am mad - and made dinner.

I told DH that it didn't look like I was KU during dinner. I feel dumb saying this, but I started to cry when I told him. I was hoping that this was my cycle, and it really seemed like maybe it was going to work out. I feel so frustrated and down with TTC. I know that I need to remain optimistic, but it is hard to understand why we have to wait to have a baby. We can provide for a baby and there are so many women who get KU that can't.

DH was really supportive when I told him and reminded me that it is okay to cry and be upset. I think that I even saw him tear up, too. He reminded me that as hard as it is to hear, sometimes all we can do is hang on to a tiny piece of hope. I know that he is right, but right now it doesn't make it easier. All I want is to be a mom, and I feel like that dream is always just out of reach. I know that I keep saying that I will be more positive, and maybe after my initial disappointment, I will be able to. Someone on the Bump shared a quote tonight that said "You have to change your mind if you want to change your experience". I thought it was a well-timed reminder that even though I can't control my situation, I can control how I react to it and what I learn from it. I might as well make the most of my situation and become stronger and a better person as a result.

HSG

I just got back from my HSG, and everything went really well. I was a little bit nervous at first. Not so much about what the results would say, but I guess more nervous about the actual testing process. Things started out when they had me change into a gown and robe. I then had to go back and wait in the normal waiting room for a few minutes. This was pretty awkward, considering that everyone else in the waiting room was wearing their normal clothing. The nurse told me that it would be a few minutes, and this lady turned to me and said "How long is a few minutes?". I guess it was pretty apparent that I was uncomfortable.

When they brought me back for the exam, I was a little disappointed to find out that the person performing the exam was a guy. Even though I was hoping to have a girl perform the exam, he was very professional and did a great job. The most uncomfortable part of the procedure was the speculum, and the entire test was over before I knew it. I was able to see the images from the test right away, and everything looked perfect. Both tubes are open and there were not any abnormalities that could be seen. I should get the final results from my doctor sometime next week, but as of right now, there is nothing to worry about. The tech also said that my chances of conceiving increase by about 20% for the next few months, which is GREAT!!! I can't wait to take advantage of those odds...hopefully that means I will get a BFP soon....wish me luck!!!