Monday, May 31, 2010

Weekend Thoughts

First, Happy Memorial Day! I hope that everyone has been able to have an enjoyable three day weekend.

This post is kind of a jumbled mix of thoughts all rolled into one.

Last week, I realized that with a few exceptions, I don't feel like I have really allowed myself to grieve. I am the type of person that always tries to hold it in, be strong, and move forward. Generally, I can't just sit and let life go by without trying to be in control. So, when I got the news about my chromosome testing results, I let it sink in and then started moving forward with a new plan. I haven't changed my mind about what I think we should do, but I also realized that part of being able to move forward and being happy is also allowing myself to acknowledge the things that I could be giving up and to grieve those losses. By no means am I giving up hope of ever having biological children, but I do realize that it could be a really long time before that happens.

One thing that was really brought home to me was the desire to know what features DH and I would pass to our biological kids. Maybe that sounds vain, but that is how it is. Last night, we went over to my BIL and SIL house to celebrate my niece's first birthday. I couldn't help but notice which features she shares with her parents. I then started wondering about how different things would have been if we hadn't had our m/c. Our baby and my niece would only have been 3 months apart. Would they be playing together? Would everyone be wanting to spend time with two babies and not just my niece? I know that it is probably not very healthy to dwell on thoughts like these, but I couldn't help it. Then, my mind started to wander to how things could be if/when DH and I end up adopting. Will our family love our baby as much as their biological grandkid/niece? How will I feel watching my child playing with it's cousin? I know that our family will love our children, regardless of the route they take to get here, but it is still something I think about.

Deep down inside, I know that whatever I have to "give up", it will all be worth it when DH and I have our own baby. I realize that if I don't have biological kids, there will probably always be a part of me that mourns what we never had. But, like I said, by letting some things go, we will be getting more in return.

On a more positive note...I got a wonderful package from my Secret Pal in the mail this weekend! She sent me the "Happiness" Willowtree Statue and a little daily spiritual thought. It was such a thoughtful gift and I love it! It totally made my day!!!

Thursday, May 27, 2010

An Answer to Prayer?

Before I really get into my post, I think I need to provide a few explanations.

First, as I have written before, I would consider DH and me to be pretty religious. We have been praying for a long time to have a baby, and recently our prayers have shifted to instead asking for guidance as to what we should do...adopt, keep trying, IVF, etc. I know that not everyone feels this way, but I firmly believe that God answers our prayers and guides us - sometimes he uses other people/events as instruments, but it does happen.

Second, in my church we have a program called visiting teaching. How it works is basically each woman in the ward (congregation) is paired up with another woman. As a pair, you are assigned to visit 2-3 women in the ward each month. The visit generally consists of a brief spiritual message and then just visiting with each other. You visit the same women each month, so the intent is that you build a relationship and then the women that you visit could ask you for help if they needed it and just have someone in the neighborhood who is their friend.

Anyway, last night I went visiting teaching with my partner, J. We had just been assigned a new lady to visit named E. Neither of us had met her before, so we spent some time just chatting and getting to know each other better. We gave her a quick message on trials, and as we were wrapping things up, she said "I know that I'm not your visiting teacher, but do either of you have any trials you are going through?" J said not really, and I hesitated a moment before deciding to just put it out there. So, I said that DH and I had been trying to have kids for a while and are at a crossroads of where we go from here. E then said that during our lesson, she kept having this strong impression that she should ask me if we were struggling with having kids and had considered adoption. She didn't want to just come out and ask if we were dealing with IF, but really felt strongly about asking. E then went on to say that she and her husband have dealt with IF and they adopted a son together. She shared a lot about what they went through and what their experiences were.

I thought it was interesting that E would feel impressed to ask me about IF and to tell me about adoption, especially when we hadn't known each other for more than 10 minutes. When I got home, I told DH about it and said it was interesting how here I am praying to know what to do, and in less than a week, I have had two different people tell me that they feel impressed to talk to me about adoption, how it is such an amazing experience, and how it is just as good as having biological children. I told DH that I know he is still kind of coming around to the idea, but that it just cemented in my mind that I think this will probably be the right path for us. When I think about us adopting a baby, I feel so hopeful and excited. I just want to get things moving!

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Bucket List

One of my friends e-mailed me this bucket list, and I thought it would be fun to blog about something besides IF. is a little bucket list about me. Basically, you just put an X by the things that you have ever done.

(x) Shot a gun
(x) Gone on a blind date
(x) Skipped school
( ) Been to Canada
( )Been to Alaska
( ) Been to Cuba
( ) Been to Europe
(x) Been to Las Vegas
(x) Been to Mexico
(x) Been to Florida
(x) Been on a plane
(x) Been on a Cruise Ship
( ) Served on a Jury
(x) Been lost
(x) Been on the opposite side of the country
(x) Gone to Washington, DC
(x) Swam in the Ocean
(x) Cried yourself to sleep
(x) Played Cops and Robbers
(x) Played Cowboys and Indians
( ) Recently colored with crayons
(x) Sang Karaoke
(x) Paid for a meal w/ coins only
(x) Made prank phone calls
( ) Laughed until some beverage came out of your nose
(x) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) Danced in the rain
(x) Written a letter to Santa
(x) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(x) Watched the sunrise with someone
(x) Blown bubbles
(x) Gone ice skating
(x) Gone skiing
(x) Camped out under the stars
(x) Seen something so beautiful that it took your breath away
(x) Are or have been married
( ) Have children
(x) Had a pet
( )Been skinny dipping outdoors
(x) Been fishing
(x) Been boating
(x) Been water skiing
(x) Been hiking
(x) Been camping in a trailer/RV
(x) Flown in a small 4-seater airplane (even a 2-seater)
( ) Flown in a glider
( ) Been flying in a helicopter
( ) Been flying in a hot air balloon
( ) Been bungee-jumping
(x) Gone to a drive-in movie
( ) Done something that should have killed you
( ) Been to Africa
( ) Ever ride an elephant
(x) Ever eaten just cookies for dinner
(x) Ever been on TV
( ) Ever steal any traffic signs
(x) Ever been in a car accident
(x) Have a nickname?

Favorite drink? Juice
Body piercing? Ears
How much do you love your job? I like it most days...I have been here for 7 years, that has got to say something!
Do you drive a 2-door or 4-door vehicle? 4 Door
Favorite number? 6
Favorite holiday? Christmas
Favorite dessert? Most any baked goods
Where do you see yourself in 10 years? Hopefully a stay at home mom!

Monday, May 24, 2010

CD 2

Today is CD 2, and I am trying to decide what I really want to do about this cycle. Last week, DH said that he wants to keep trying this month, and I am totally fine with that. But, how much effort do I want to invest?

Obviously we will try and time our BD appropriately, but I am not sure how much more than that I want to do. I am not going to monitor my temps again this month and I am not using my CBEFM. I have two OPKS left from last cycle, so I am trying to decide if I should buy more or just hope that I can get lucky using two. My other dilemma is with Clomid. I have one refill left on my prescription and it is only about $8 to get it filled. As far as my RE is concerned, I am guessing that he is assuming I won't take it since we have found out about the chromosome issue, so I wouldn't plan on calling for a monitoring appointment. Part of me thinks that I should just go ahead and get the Clomid filled, while another part thinks that I will just be causing myself unnecessary stress and wasting my time. Clomid hasn't ever really caused me too bad of side effects...I hate how I let myself stress out over nothing.

I am guessing that I will probably end up refilling my Clomid, not buying more OPKs, and then just relying on the two I have plus my own wisdom of when we should BD. Anyone have any thoughts? I am sure that it won't really matter and I will be in this same position next month, still worrying over nothing.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Another Adoption Conversation

A few days ago, I e-mailed DH's cousin, E, to ask her about adoption. E and her husband have adopted two of their four kids, so we felt confident that they would be able to give us some insight. She answered some of our questions via e-mail, but we decided that it would be better if we got together to talk in person. Last night, we went to a big family party to celebrate DH's grandpa's 80th birthday, so it ended up being the perfect opportunity to get together and talk with them.

E and her husband, D, were great. They answered so many of our questions and were so nice to share their experiences with us. E said that she had really wanted to know what to say to us, and so she prayed about it. That meant a lot to DH and me. She said what she felt impressed to say was basically that adoption is not settling or getting second best. When you adopt, it is every bit as good as having a biological child and that you are truly getting the children that are supposed to be in your family. Her comments really were just I needed to hear, and I almost wondered if that was God's way of telling me that this is the route we will/should go. My biggest concerns have been feeling like I am giving up a dream of being pg and having biological children. And who is to say that I won't ever get to experience pg? Maybe it isn't just time yet?

On our way home, DH and I talked about what E and D had said. We still want to wait to make a decision until we meet with the counselor, but we both felt more comfortable with the adoption option. I know that my emotions are subject to change at any day/time (especially lately), but I keep feeling like I am leaning closer and closer to adoption. It is like I am almost just planning on it unless the counselor and doctor come back to us with amazing news.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Happy ICLW!

Thanks for visiting my blog! I love ICLW, but I can't believe it is already that time of month again.

If you are new to my blog, here is a quick summary of our TTC Journey:
  • November 2008: first month TTC
  • December 2008: BFP!!!
  • January 2009: m/c at 10 weeks
  • February 2009 - March 2010: a whole lot of HSG is clear and DH's s/a looks great!
  • March 2010: First visit with RE
  • May 2010: Diagnosed with interchromosomal insertion

Now, DH and I are trying to decide what to do. We are waiting to hear back from our genetics counselor to see what the chances of us getting a viable embryo with IVF and PGD would be. If they don't give us good odds, we will most likely apply for traditional adoption. However, I worry that we will spend all of our money on IVF, and if it fails, we won't have any money left over for other treatments or adoption.

I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster. Some days are okay, some are bad. I haven't really felt "great" since we got the diagnosis, but I am trying to work through it one day at a time.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Peace of Mind

First, thanks so much to everyone who has been showing me so much support lately. I REALLY appreciate your kind and encouraging words!

Last night, I headed out for a run to try and get some exercise and clear my head. It had been a while since I last went running, and I forgot how much of a calming effect it can have on me. My fun gave me some uninterrupted time to think about everything and I noticed that I tend to have the most anxiety about our situation whenever I think of doing either IVF or EA. I am not sure if it is because I worry that we will spend all of our money on that and then it won't work, or if it some sort of intuition that I am feeling, or maybe it is just the reassurance of having a plan in place.

When we were getting ready for bed, I told DH that unless we get some amazing news from the counselor and doctor, I am leaning towards going the traditional adoption route. DH kept saying how it is too soon to make any plans. During our conversation, I started to get the impression that maybe DH is in at least a little bit of denial about the gravity of our situation. Don't get me wrong...I am not giving up on having biological children, but I am also trying to be realistic. I have been e-mailing DH's cousin who adopted two kids, and she said something that stuck with me. She said, "I know without a shadow of a doubt that it [adoption] is a way to get the babies that are supposed to be yours here! Sometimes they just have to come a different route." It really hit me that however I get my baby, whether it is biologically or not, that baby is mine and is supposed to be mine. So maybe DH and I will eventually be able to have biological children, but maybe there is another baby out there that is supposed to be ours, too.

The bottom line is that I am feeling a little bit better (at least for today!) about our situation. I feel like I have a little more peace of mind and less anxiety.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Breaking Down

I hate that I have been such a downer lately, but I have really been struggling for the past few days. The other night, DH and I had a talk about what our plans are. We didn’t really come to any conclusions besides we can’t make a plan until we meet with the counselor, but we decided that we could potentially be interested in IVF, embryo adoption, or traditional adoption. When we were going to bed that night, I totally broke down. It was like everything that I have been holding in just spilled out and I couldn’t stop crying. I told DH about how scared I am that we will never be parents and how heartbreaking it is to think that maybe we will never be blessed with biological children. I told him how hard it can be to go to church (even though church should be the thing that helps you keep going, right?) because there are so many pregnant women there and so many new babies. I shared with him that I live in fear of the day that our friends tell us they are expecting and how hard it will be to pretend to be happy for them. DH reassured me that yes, one day we will be parents and that we will be moving in the right direction again as soon as we can meet with the counselor. I then said how it will be weird to not be trying next month…no OPKs, no CBEFM, no timed BD. DH told me that as far as he is concerned, he thinks that we should keep trying on our own until we have a different plan in place. He also shared a lot of his feelings/hopes/fears. It helped me to realize that DH is still hopeful and is not giving up, but that he also shares some of my own feelings.

I thought that I was doing a little better today, but then I got an e-mail from a friend saying she just wanted to let us know that she and her husband are expecting a baby on December 14. This totally took me by surprise – out of all of our friends, I thought they were the one couple who wasn’t TTC. I e-mailed her back saying congratulations, but to be honest, I only feel bitter. This may make me sound conceited or judgmental, but I don’t understand why they would have a baby now. B (the wife) seemed to always be making comments about how she would kill herself if she was pg. Her husband was laid off in January (had a few months notice) and still is not working, meanwhile she is working two jobs so that they can get by. If they get to have a baby with less than ideal circumstances, why not us? I know that their situation has nothing to do with our problems, but it is still so frustrating. I honestly feel like I just need to find new friends, but I don’t know where to even start and with my luck they would be TTC and fertile.

I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling bitter and frustrated. I hate feeling like I am on the verge of tears and having my heart break. I hate the fact that I live in fear of my friends making a pg announcement and that I sometimes secretly hope that my pg friends will not end up hanging out with us on the weekend. I just wish that I could catch a break with this whole process – can’t something just come easily for once????

Monday, May 17, 2010

I'm Back!!!

I feel like I haven't been able to blog in forever! DH, our families, and I just got home from a fun-filled vacation to Charleston, SC and Nashville, TN. I think that everyone had a great time, even though at times it could be a little hectic arranging plans for 13 people. Even though it was nice to get away, I am still glad to be home.

I think that I am finally coming to grips with the fact that we are either facing IVF or adoption. Sometimes, I feel really excited about this because it means that we are no longer stalled, but we know what our problems have been and we are moving forward with a plan. Other times, it freaks me out. What if they say that they don't think they can get a quality embryo? What if this? What if that? One bright spot is that I think that my insurance will pay for the pregenetic diagnosis on the embryos if we go that route. I was reading my explanation of benefits, and there was a section about how they cover embryo genetic testing if one of the parents has a known genetic condition that could be passed on and would pose the risk of a serious problem. I am hoping that if they do pay for that, that there is also a chance that just maybe they would pay for at least part of IVF...I mean you can't do the testing without doing IVF, right?

With adoption stuff, DH and I were originally planning on going through the agency associated with our church, because the max we would pay would be around $10,000 and our insurance will cover $8000 of that. The only problem is that because they are more affordable, they tend to have a much longer placement time. I started looking into some other agencies, and now we are just trying to decide if it would be better to pay more money and hopefully get a baby faster (and hope that any tax refunds we received would help pay off the loan), or if we should just stick with the other agency. If there is anyone reading this who has gone/is going through adoption, what would you recommend?

Anyway, that is just a quick update on me. I will try and blog more later and also get caught up on everyone else's blogs.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Praying For a Miracle

I got a call from the genetic counselor this afternoon...the results are in, and I did inherit the chromosome translocation. Basically, part of my #2 chromosome is attached to my #5 chromosome. The genetic counselor said that while it isn't impossible for us to have a baby, this type of chromosome abnormality will make doing the pregenetic diagnosis (PGD) a little more tricky. She got some more information from me and said that she is going to talk to the lab and a doctor who specializes in this kind of stuff. When I get back into town, we will meet with her and hopefully they will be able to predict the likelihood of getting a healthy embryo. She said that it will hopefully be greater than 5%. 5%...not to mention the 50% chance that it would even implant and I would have a baby.

At this point I am just feeling really overwhelmed. I think that it is all still sinking in. It is nice to finally have an answer for our situation, but this isn't the answer I was hoping for. The counselor kept saying that at least we know that my mom was able to have five healthy children, so not to give up hope. I am guessing that our options are either to do the IVF with PGD and hope that we get a healthy embryo, do embryo adoption, or go forward with normal adoption. We will find out more when we meet with her in a few weeks, but at this point I think it will take a miracle for me to have a biological child.

At least I know that I don't need to waste any more money on birth control.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Quick Update

Just a quick update on my lab situation...I got an e-mail from the genetic counselor, and she said that my labs were NOT LOST! She said that the lab has the results ready and she was just waiting for them to fax them to her, and then she would give me all the details. That was Friday, and I am STILL WAITING. I hate to be a nag, but how long does it take to get a fax? I hate this waiting! At least I shouldn't have to go in for a redraw or start this whole process over again.

In other random news...I am pretty sure that one of the secretaries at my work is KU. I overheard her talking about how "if she and her boyfriend ever breaks up she will totally hang it over his head and he better not do it to another girl" and she "isn't ready to have this thrown at her". If she is KU, I know that it was definitely not planned...she is only 21, a bit of a partier, and keeps talking about whether she should keep dating her bf. Sometimes I think I would have had better luck getting KU if I had just been promiscuous in my younger days...j/k. Obviously it is just my speculation, but I can't say that I would be happy for her. It is hard to be happy for someone when you know it is an accident and they aren't able to care for a child.

Also, DH and I are heading out of town this weekend! I can't wait - we have seriously been planning this trip for like two years. We are going to spend a few days in Charleston, SC (DH lived there for a few years), and then we are driving over to Nashville, TN for my graduation ceremonies. I graduated from Vanderbilt back in August, but they only do commencement once a year, so we decided to head on over. I am a little concerned because the city is so badly flooded. Hopefully it will work out okay!