Chemical

AF arrived this morning. On my birthday. Thank you so much, mother nature, for making sure I had an extra special day today. Would it have been too much to ask that you either came on time or an extra day late so that I didn't have to worry about it today?

I am counting this as a chemical pregnancy. At least I know that DH and I are doing everything right, so that hopefully if there is ever a good egg that comes along, we can hopefully take advantage and catch it. It is kind of validating to know that yes, I have had pregnancies besides my first m/c, even though my normal OB seemed pretty doubtful.

I Don't Know What to Think

I think that AF might be late, but I'm not positive, since I stopped tracking my ovulation. I've had some occasional cramping and light spotting, but no other symptoms to suggest she is on her way. I decided to POAS this morning and it was negative, except that there was a few pixels (maybe ten or so) that showed up in the second line. Not enough to call it a line or say it was positive, but enough for me to question. My guess is that I got pg, it was a bad egg, my period will start in a few days, but there was just enough hormone to show a trace of a second line. I am not really counting this as a potential loss, but part of me wonders if this is more proof of my chromosome condition. I know that nothing will come of this....maybe AF is just waiting to visit until tomorrow for a birthday surprise.

It Feels Strange...

Now that we are approved with our adoption agency and are waiting to be chosen by a birth mom, I don't really feel like I have a lot to say. It seems like things with TTC have slowed WAY down. It is nice, but it is also really strange. It is strange to see EWCM and think that I am Oing, yet not stress about BD at the right time. It is strange to not be tracking by BBT or to not automatically know what CD I am on. Like I said, it is nice in some ways because there isn't that stress hanging over you and I find that I am not constantly over-analyzing every "symptom" that I may have, but it is still strange.

DH and I have started looking online and doing some window shopping for baby items. It feels weird to be talking about what crib to buy or which stroller is best when I am not pregnant. Sometimes I feel like an outsider when I am looking through the baby section, and I just have to remind myself that I have every right to be there, because one day (hopefully in the near future) I am going to need all of this stuff. My question is, if you went through/are going through adoption, how early on did you start buying baby stuff? Part of me wants to start getting things now, but I am nervous that maybe we won't need it for a while. What if we buy it, and then it takes years for us to get a baby? Or what if they come out with newer/better products? What if we don't buy anything, and then we get a call saying that we have a baby and we are unprepared? Any advice would be helpful!

Also, DH and I are FINALLY going to our appointment with the genetics counselor on Thursday. I have been waiting for this appointment ever since we got my chromosome test results in May. I am not thinking that this appointment will change any of our plans, but it will still be good to have the information and feel like we are moving forward with as much knowledge as possible. I will post about the appointment later this week.

Quick Update

Thank you SO much to everyone who has given me support from my last post. My sister moved back home last night. Apparently she found out that her boyfriend was cheating on her and she found the courage to move out. She called my mom yesterday afternoon, said she had her stuff packed, and asked if my mom would come pick her up. We are all relieved that not only did she decide to come home, but that she knew she could still call my mom and ask for help.

There isn't too much to update with TTC/adoption. My CBEFM showed a peak today, so we'll see what happens with that. DH and I are almost finished with our adoption paperwork. Our goal is to be done by the end of the week, and then our case worker can come out for the homestudy.

Confessions

I broke out the good ol' CBEFM last night. Today is CD 5, which means it is the last day I could start using it this cycle. I haven't used it for a few months, and for some crazy reason I decided to give it a go again. I figured that since I have the strips, I might as well use them rather then just let them sit there. It can't hurt, right? I am still holding to my resolve of not temping, so hopefully using the CBEFM on its own this cycle won't cause me too much anxiety.

Tomorrow, DH and I are going in for our appointment with the genetic counselor. We also invited my mom to come with us since she has the same intrachromosomal insertion as I do and so obviously my siblings are all at risk for having it. I think that the appointment should be interesting, but I seriously doubt that it will change any of our plans. DH and I both figure that we should just get as much knowledge and understanding about our situation as possible. I have a feeling that they will try and talk us into doing IVF, but I just can't see spending that much money on something that has a poor chance of working.

With my "crisis" - thanks for all of the suggestions! I have decided that I am bored but also burned out at the same time. I know that doesn't make a lot of sense. DH and I have been talking, and I think that we will plan a little weekend getaway up to Park City. Not the most exciting destination, but still a change of scenery. I also want to try and plan a girls trip with my sister, so we'll see if I can pull that off, too.

CD 1

Today is CD 1 - I was totally expecting it, but I will admit that part of me was hoping that I would be one of those girls who gets KU once they decide to pursue adoption. I had secret hopes in the back of my head that I would be able to give DH a BFP for Father's Day, but no such luck. :(

Speaking of Father's Day, the other night I asked DH if Father's Day is a hard day for him like Mother's Day is for me and so many other girls going through IF. He said no, not in the way that it is hard for him. He said he always thought he would have kids by now, but it isn't hard or painful. I am sure that it is hard for some guys who are going through IF, but I thought it was interesting how differently us girls handle the emotional aspect of holidays and milestones compared to men.

Earlier today, we went to a dinner party at our church. I knew that there would be several pg ladies there and lots of baby talk. I was a little nervous that I would end up feeling sorry for myself, but I did pretty well, even when a few of the ladies were talking about what they thought mine and DH's kids would look like when we ended up having kids. Of course, none of those ladies knows that we have been TTC for 20+ months now and that we are looking into adoption. DH and I just laughed and went along with the conversation anyway. Hopefully one day in the not too distant future I will have my own kid and can contribute to these types of conversations.

Nothing New with Me

Not much has been going on with us. I O'd over the weekend, so I am officially in the 2ww. I guess I learned a while ago not to get my hopes up, and so even though we timed our BD, I am not expecting anything exciting. I was feeling kind of sick yesterday (nauseated, headache, tired), but of course it would be WAY to early for it to even mean anything (not that it will). Isn't it funny how after you have been TTC for so long that your mind automatically goes to 'Could this symptom mean I am pg'? Like I said, I am not planning on it meaning anything...it just sucks when getting sick happens to time itself with the 2ww.

I have been talking with one of my friends, and I think that we have decided we are going to run a 10k together next month. I am really excited! I have gotten my distance up to 5.5 miles, so I am getting close. I figure that this will be a good goal for me to work towards. Plus, I always feel so much more relaxed when I am running somewhat regularly.

Speaking of friends, I asked my friend A if she knew if B (the one who suddenly just announced that she is KU) and her DH were TTC or if it was a surprise. It sounds like B forgot to take her BCP a few days and this is what happened. Wow. Wouldn't it be nice if it was that easy? On Friday, DH and I went to dinner with a bunch of our friends. B was there, along with my friend L, who is due in August. We got to hear all about the nursery plans/cribs/OB appointments/etc. After dinner, the girls went to Target. L, B, and A went to look at maternity clothes. The other girl that was there (C - who I am running with), and I ended up walking around the store by ourselves. C and her DH have been TTC for a year. Neither of us wanted to be wet blankets, but obviously it would not be fun for us to look at maternity clothing. C and I joked that at least we have each other and that we are going to need to start finding new friends!

CD 2

Today is CD 2, and I am trying to decide what I really want to do about this cycle. Last week, DH said that he wants to keep trying this month, and I am totally fine with that. But, how much effort do I want to invest?

Obviously we will try and time our BD appropriately, but I am not sure how much more than that I want to do. I am not going to monitor my temps again this month and I am not using my CBEFM. I have two OPKS left from last cycle, so I am trying to decide if I should buy more or just hope that I can get lucky using two. My other dilemma is with Clomid. I have one refill left on my prescription and it is only about $8 to get it filled. As far as my RE is concerned, I am guessing that he is assuming I won't take it since we have found out about the chromosome issue, so I wouldn't plan on calling for a monitoring appointment. Part of me thinks that I should just go ahead and get the Clomid filled, while another part thinks that I will just be causing myself unnecessary stress and wasting my time. Clomid hasn't ever really caused me too bad of side effects...I hate how I let myself stress out over nothing.

I am guessing that I will probably end up refilling my Clomid, not buying more OPKs, and then just relying on the two I have plus my own wisdom of when we should BD. Anyone have any thoughts? I am sure that it won't really matter and I will be in this same position next month, still worrying over nothing.

Enjoying the "Break"

I'm not taking a break from TTC, but I am taking a break from BBT. AF arrived yesterday afternoon, so today was my first "break" day. Maybe this wouldn't seem like such a big deal to most people, but it was SO nice to be able to get up this morning without having to worry about what my temperature was and whether I was checking it at the right time. I am also taking a break from the CBEFM and trying a regular old OPK instead. Once again, it was so nice to not have to worry about that. It has been at least a year since I have been able to get up in the morning without having to worry about checking my temp or using the CBEFM. I feel so FREE!

The plan is to start taking Clomid 50mg again tomorrow. There is a small chance that we will try IUI this cycle, but I don't think the timing will work out. We are going out of town on CD 13, which I am assuming would be too early for an IUI, right? Plus, depending on the test results, that could all be irrelevant and go out the window, anyway.

For the meanwhile, I am just enjoying my less restrictive cycle and hoping that this could be our month. I am feeling more optimistic than normal this time...not really sure why. Normally, I always have this "I'm just not feeling it" feeling in my gut, but now I am more excited. Maybe it is the Clomid, or maybe it is the fact that we are going on vacation. But for a change, it is nice to feel optimistic and hopeful, rather than like I am just going through the motions.

On another note, I got the sweetest e-mail from DH's younger brother yesterday. His brother, T, is living out of the country right now, so he tries to send a weekly e-mail to all of the family to keep us updated on his life. In yesterday's e-mail he included a little note for DH and me which basically said that he wanted us to know that he is praying for us and our kid situation every night and that he believes it will happen for us. I thought it was really sweet that a 20 year old kid would not only be doing that, but also send me that note. It was so thoughtful and encouraging to remember that we aren't in this alone. Not only are there so many other couples in this situation, but our family is so supportive and are our biggest cheerleaders.

Waiting

I decided to POAS today...and got a BFN. So now I am just waiting for AF to arrive. Part of me is trying to be hopeful that maybe I just tested too soon, since I haven't had any spotting at all. I have been cramping for the past few days though, so I really don't want to get my hopes up too much. If I still haven't seen AF by Monday, I will test again.

I sent an e-mail to the RE's office to see what they want to do this cycle. Every part of my plan hinges on getting the chrosome test results back...and those will come any day now. My tentative plan is to do another cycle on Clomid. I am NOT going to temp this month and I am going to try an OPK instead of my CBEFM. I also ordered some Preseed...we usually don't really need it, but sometimes DH wishes that we could use lube, so I figure it can't hurt.

If the test results show that I have the chromosome abnormality, I guess we will be going in to talk to the RE about IVF. I honestly don't know if DH and I will be financially able to go down that road. I started looking into 'medical tourism' - meaning we would go to another country for IVF, but that creates a whole other list of questions.

So, for the meanwhile, we are just holding tight and hoping for the best.

Welcome ICLW!

Happy ICLW! If you are new to my blog, here is a quick overview of my TTC history: I went of BC October 2008 and got a BFP December 23, 2008! Sadly, we found out that our baby didn't have a heartbeat at our first prenatal appointment and I started bleeding a few days later. We continued trying on our own until our first RE appointment March 2010. The RE is testing me to see if I have a chromosome problem (which would essentially mean I have bad eggs) which runs in my family and I am just finishing my first cycle on Clomid.

In cycle news, I got a stellar temperature this morning...99.04! However, I am not getting my hopes up because I also think I might be getting sick. I have had a really sore throat and some other respiratory symptoms, so we'll see what happens. I am either 12DPO or 9DPO depending on how you want to interpret my temps. I am not relying on FF to interpet my chart this month. I figure that I will wait and see what my body decides to do the rest of the week, and then maybe I will test Saturday or Sunday.

Also, a BIG THANK YOU to my April Secret Pal! She sent me this super cute bracelet that has charms saying "achieve", "success", and "believe". I love it, it made my day, and it fits perfectly. Thank you so much!!!

I just need to stop stressing myself out. I know that I tend to over analyze everything, and it just makes me super stressed. I guess I just have to have faith that what the RE saw is right and if not, hopefully there were still some swimmers up there that were alive and kicking. I think that I need to take a break from charting after this cycle. We are going out of town in May, so I figure that will be the perfect time to take a break.


I signed DH and me up to attend an infertility conference that is being held in Salt Lake next Saturday. One of my friends referred me to it and I thought it sounded interesting. It is in association with the National Infertility Awareness Week and Resolve, so hopefully it should be good. If anyone has been to a conference like this before, did you feel like it was worth your while? Would you recommend going?

Confusing Clomid

So, I thought one of the benefits of taking Clomid is that it is supposed to make your cycles be more regular??? Here I am on CD 17 and feeling super confused. Last week at the u/s, the RE said that it looked like I was Oing or about to O. I thought that was great news! I was having some O pain plus some EWCM. The only concern I had was that I hadn't gotten a peak on my CBEFM. DH and I made sure that we BD and thought that all was good. Fast forward to today, and I still haven't gotten a peak, I haven't seen a consistent temperature rise, I am having some slight O pains, plus I have more EWCM than I did on CD 12!!! WTF!?! I don't know if I should just assume that I did O based on the RE's assessment, or is my body just confused and messed up? If I haven't O'd, I don't want to stop BD and risk missing it, but at the same time, I don't want to keep scheduling it if it isn't necessary. I know that we have to keep BD until I am sure one way or the other, but still...

Monitoring Appointment

I had my monitoring appointment for my first Clomid cycle last Friday. Everything went really well. My doctor wasn't in, so I saw another RE in the office. He was really helpful. He told me that he could see two follies and that it *appeared* that I was ovulating right around the appointment time. Apparently there was quite a bit of fluid that he could see on the u/s that indicated O? He told me to make sure we "try to get pg" for the next four days and then I will either by KU or AF will come.

The frustrating thing is that my CBEFM still hasn't shown a peak. It never peaked last month, so this could be the second month in a row that it missed it. I guess it is possible I still haven't O'd yet...but I think that I did. My O pains have gone away and I haven't had as much EWCM. My temps haven't been really conclusive, but I also got up super early this morning, so I don't feel that today's was super accurate. So, while I am hoping that the Clomid works this time and I end up KU, I am also thinking about trying an OPK in addition to the CBEFM. I have heard the Clear Blue Easy OPKs are good, but does anyone have any recommendations?

So yesterday during church our Bishop got up and started talking about how he and his wife have struggled with IF. He said that they got their twins through IVF (which I knew) and that there other daughter was a miracle baby. He talked about how they would really like to have a fourth child, and that the process of going through IF has really taught him and his wife about how aware God is of their family. Of course I ended up crying, but I thought it was kind of cool how he would be so open and talk about this struggle. A few minutes later, another lady got up and talked about how she gave birth a few weeks ago to her son who had died in-utero. At that point, I got really choked up and started crying even more. I don't really know this person (I just know who she is), but it struck me about how common of a problem having children is. Most of us grow up thinking that we will be able to have as many babies as we want and that they will come when we want them. Instead, so many of us are faced with this struggle...it doesn't discriminate.

CD 1, "The Talk", and My Plan

Yesterday was CD 1. AF arrived right on schedule...I suppose that I should be grateful that at least one part of my reproductive system is working right! I haven't been too upset at all about this CD 1. I think it is because I just never was really "feeling it" this cycle and because I decided to POAS.

On Sunday, DH and I had the adoption talk. I told him that I didn't want to stop TTC on our own and I hadn't given up hope of having biological children, but that I also wanted to explore the adoption option. He was initially very resistant, saying that it was too soon and he didn't want to "put his name in that basket" just yet. He also said that he thought we couldn't afford adoption, but then I reminded him that our insurance will actually contribute much more towards adoption expenses than infertility. We talked about it a lot more yesterday, and we decided that we will tentatively look into it. Meaning, we are planning on attending an orientation-type meeting at the agency we know we would want to use.

So, this is my plan:

1. I am still working on getting the insurance to cover the chromosome testing. We are filing an appeal this week, but who knows how long it will take to get that to go through.
2. While we are waiting on the insurance, my RE is letting my try Clomid this cycle. This will be my first cycle on Clomid. Any advice, suggestions, or warnings???
3. I will call the agency and see when the next meeting will be.

I am feeling pretty good about things this month. I am hoping that maybe the Clomid will do the trick for us this month (or maybe just a miracle will happen). If not, I still feel like we are heading in the right direction!

Welcome ICLW and My Thoughts on This Cycle

First, if you are new to my blog, welcome! You can learn more about me by visiting this post. In a nutshell, DH and I have been married since August 2006 and have been TTC since November 2008. We got KU in December 2008, has a m/c in January 2009, and haven't had any success since then.

So, I am already starting to feel like this cycle is likely a bust. It didn't help that my CBEFM never picked up a "peak" - I think that this is likely because I O'd so much earlier than normal. Based on my temps, I O'd on CD 12. Last cycle it was closer to CD 20, so I feel like my body is all over the place. My temps have been good, but I have had very few, if any, phantom symptoms. My boobs hurt a little bit this morning, but that is already gone. The frustrating thing is that my pelvic pain has been bothering me the last few days. I used to think that it was related to when I O'd but maybe not? I try and tell myself that it is all in my head, since the u/s didn't pick up on anything abnormal. I just don't think I can totally brush it off since I notice it at the most random times.

Anyway, besides the cycle, life is good. DH and I went to look at cars yesterday, and we ended up coming home with a Nissan Xterra. It was a good compromise for us. We traded in our Yukon and DH wanted a truck, while I wanted something smaller. We are looking forward to the weather getting warmer so that we can take it out camping and try pulling our 4-wheelers with it.

I have also noticed lately that I have been feeling a lot happier and less stressed. That probably doesn't make much sense when I was just venting about my cycle and I have recently expressed concern over the chromosome testing. I have just noticed that it is becoming easier for me to not focus and dwell on TTC and IF all the time. It is something I still think about, but it is not the central focus of my thoughts. It is getting easier for me to be around my pg BFF and genuinely be interested in how her pg is going. I was even thinking that perhaps I would make her a baby quilt and I started thinking about what I could do to give her a baby shower. I don't want to say that I am 100% happy and good, but I am better and I don't feel like IF and TTC is ruling my life. It is part of me, but I am in control. I know that there will still be hard days and hard times, but at least they are becoming fewer.

Unofficial Results

My insurance offers a service where members can look up some of their health information online. You can basically access labs, test results, and things like that. Since I hadn't heard from my doctor yet, I decided to check and see if Friday's u/s was posted. It was...

Basically, my results said that everything looked normal. My uterus is normal in size and appearance, measuring 8.8cm long. My left ovary is 3.4x1.7x3.3 cm and the right is 3.4x2.0x4.9 cm. They couldn't see anything that would cause a problem.

I know that I should be grateful that everything looks okay, but at the same time it is a little frustrating. Part of me wishes I had just waited until the pain was bad again. I wish that I had a clue as to what is going on with my body, but I just feel like I am left with more questions than answers. If there isn't anything wrong down there, why does it hurt so bad? I feel like there has to be a reason, and I know it isn't just in my head.

On another note, I have a feeling that AF will be here any day now. I have been feeling really crampy today. Oh...and DH's cousin is still here. Nope, he didn't move out yesterday like he was planning on. Instead he broke one of my barstools and his fiance broke one of my dishes. I have lost all patience, which makes me feel bad, because I am normally not that type of person.

Anyway...hopefully I can start feeling better about our progress and get some answers this week.

I am feeling a little frustrated with FF. FF says that I didn't O until CD 20...I think that I must have O'd before then based on how my body was acting.

Here is a look at my chart as of this morning:


I know it doesn't really make a difference...what's done is done. I am either KU or I'm not. But I just feel frustrated because it seems like each cycle lately has been so varied. My cycles used to be like clockwork, and now I feel like my whole pelvic region is just effed up. My pelvic pain is back, but I don't know if it is bad enough to call the doctor about. What if it is gone by the time the u/s is scheduled? What if it isn't bad enough for them to see what they need? Maybe I should just try and be patient for next week.

Welcome!

Happy ICLW week! This is my second month participating in ICLW, and I am super excited!

If you are new to my blog, here is my story in a nutshell: DH and I got married in August 2006. I went off birth control October 2008 and found out I was KU that December! Sadly, we had a m/c in January at 10 weeks. Nothing too exciting has happened since then. If you want a more detailed look at our journey, you can visit this post.

Here are four things about me (Four, Four, Four, Four)....

Four places I go regularly: Work, the gym, the grocery store, church
Four favorite smells: Rain, DH's cologne, clean laundry, fall
Four favorite foods: Anything Italian, oatmeal butterscotch cookies, enchiladas, Cafe Rio salads
Four TV shows I watch: 24, the Bachelor, America's Next Top Model, the Office

As for some cycle updates...nothing too exciting. My temps haven't been too bad, but I am not really feeling it this cycle. I figure we'll just get this cycle over with and then I have my RE appointment on March 3. Hopefully I will start getting a little more optimistic after that.

Peak!

I am so relieved to be able to report that I got a peak on my monitor this morning, plus I have tons of ewcm!!! I always stress myself out for nothing...but it sure did feel good to see those three bars! Even DH was starting to question if/when it would happen. Wish me luck!