Sunday, February 28, 2010

Unofficial Results

My insurance offers a service where members can look up some of their health information online. You can basically access labs, test results, and things like that. Since I hadn't heard from my doctor yet, I decided to check and see if Friday's u/s was posted. It was...

Basically, my results said that everything looked normal. My uterus is normal in size and appearance, measuring 8.8cm long. My left ovary is 3.4x1.7x3.3 cm and the right is 3.4x2.0x4.9 cm. They couldn't see anything that would cause a problem.

I know that I should be grateful that everything looks okay, but at the same time it is a little frustrating. Part of me wishes I had just waited until the pain was bad again. I wish that I had a clue as to what is going on with my body, but I just feel like I am left with more questions than answers. If there isn't anything wrong down there, why does it hurt so bad? I feel like there has to be a reason, and I know it isn't just in my head.

On another note, I have a feeling that AF will be here any day now. I have been feeling really crampy today. Oh...and DH's cousin is still here. Nope, he didn't move out yesterday like he was planning on. Instead he broke one of my barstools and his fiance broke one of my dishes. I have lost all patience, which makes me feel bad, because I am normally not that type of person.

Anyway...hopefully I can start feeling better about our progress and get some answers this week.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Quick Update

Yesterday I decided to call my primary care doctor and take her up on her offer for an u/s. My pelvic pain was back - not the worst it has ever been - but still bothering me. I figured that I might as well try - my insurance should pay for it 100%, especially since it is the primary care doctor ordering it for pelvic pain and not the RE ordering it for IF.

My doctor wasn't in the office yesterday, so her nurse called me back this morning and said that they wanted to schedule me for an u/s. Of course, the pain is super minor and practically non-existent today. But, since they were able to get me in at 10:45 this morning, I decided to go have the u/s. done. I guess everything went okay...there were two techs and I asked them if they saw anything, and all they would say is that they don't interpret the results; the radiologist will and then I will get a call from my doctor today or Monday. I know it has to be the radiologist that gives the final interpretation, but wouldn't they know if there was something abnormal or if everything looks okay? One of the techs did ask me where I was in my cycle...not sure if that was because she saw any cysts or if she just wondered if I was having O pain or menstrual cramping or something.

So, we'll see what happens. Regardless, I will be able to take the results with me to the RE next week. Hopefully whatever the u/s shows will lead us in the right direction.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Random Thoughts/Vent...

Last night, we got the word that DH's cousin will be moving out on Saturday! I am SO excited!!! Check the end of this post for a little background on the situation. Anyway, I was still feeling pretty stoked this morning when I got up this morning.

Since then, it has been one of those days. I feel like there has been too much baby talk for my liking. Earlier today, I got in a conversation with one of the nurses about kids and daycare. That led into the whole "when are you going to have a baby" conversation. I wasn't planning on going into all the details, but I pretty much ended up sharing our whole story about TTC and the m/c and how I am now going to a specialist. It sucked because I hate being in this situation and I wish that this wasn't my story. I wish that the question wasn't even asked because I already had a baby or was at least KU.

Shortly after that conversation, I was back in my office and I overheard another coworker tell our boss "To expect her throwing up a lot because she is pregnant". Sweet. She already has kids (her youngest is 6) and I am happy for her, but I just wasn't in the mood to hear it. I want to be the one to say that I am nauseated because I am KU!

I have started to get a little nervous about my appointment with the RE next week. My friend that gave me the referral assured me that the whole office is great. I guess I get nervous that they will question why I am going when I haven't had too much preliminary testing. All we have done so far is the S/A and the HSG. I guess I just have to keep telling myself that we are going for a consultation/second opinion and that all these doctors want to do is help me get KU. I just hate stressing over something that is probably not that big of a deal.

Vent over. Time to buck up and get back to life!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

If You're Happy and You Know It...

A BIG THANK YOU to Type A for giving me the Happy 101 Blog Award. That was so sweet, and it made my day!!!

When you receive the Happy 101 Award, you have to list 10 things that make your day and then list 10 blogs worthy of this award as well. Post a link to the blogs you nominate, and make sure you let them know that they have been nominated!

So, here are ten things that make my day:
  1. Realizing that it's Saturday and I get to sleep in.
  2. Getting home from work in time to go for an afternoon jog with my furkid. I LOVE to do this in the summer, so it is making me excited that I am able to start doing it again.
  3. Seeing a "peak" on my fertility monitor.
  4. Three day weekends...DH and I love to stay up late playing Xbox or watching movies when we know we get to sleep in on Monday.
  5. Getting a surprise e-mail/treat/flowers from DH.
  6. Being able to spend the day at the beach. Utah is just too far away from the ocean!
  7. Having time to catch up on all the TV shows I have saved on the DVR.
  8. Making a homemade batch of cookies/brownies/etc.
  9. Having a craft night with the girls
  10. Getting a has been WAY too long since I've seen one!!!

Here are fellow bloggers that I think definitely deserve this award:

I am feeling a little frustrated with FF. FF says that I didn't O until CD 20...I think that I must have O'd before then based on how my body was acting.

Here is a look at my chart as of this morning:

I know it doesn't really make a difference...what's done is done. I am either KU or I'm not. But I just feel frustrated because it seems like each cycle lately has been so varied. My cycles used to be like clockwork, and now I feel like my whole pelvic region is just effed up. My pelvic pain is back, but I don't know if it is bad enough to call the doctor about. What if it is gone by the time the u/s is scheduled? What if it isn't bad enough for them to see what they need? Maybe I should just try and be patient for next week.

Monday, February 22, 2010


Happy ICLW week! This is my second month participating in ICLW, and I am super excited!

If you are new to my blog, here is my story in a nutshell: DH and I got married in August 2006. I went off birth control October 2008 and found out I was KU that December! Sadly, we had a m/c in January at 10 weeks. Nothing too exciting has happened since then. If you want a more detailed look at our journey, you can visit this post.

Here are four things about me (Four, Four, Four, Four)....

Four places I go regularly: Work, the gym, the grocery store, church
Four favorite smells: Rain, DH's cologne, clean laundry, fall
Four favorite foods: Anything Italian, oatmeal butterscotch cookies, enchiladas, Cafe Rio salads
Four TV shows I watch: 24, the Bachelor, America's Next Top Model, the Office

As for some cycle updates...nothing too exciting. My temps haven't been too bad, but I am not really feeling it this cycle. I figure we'll just get this cycle over with and then I have my RE appointment on March 3. Hopefully I will start getting a little more optimistic after that.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010


I am so relieved to be able to report that I got a peak on my monitor this morning, plus I have tons of ewcm!!! I always stress myself out for nothing...but it sure did feel good to see those three bars! Even DH was starting to question if/when it would happen. Wish me luck!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Claim the Exceeding Great and Precious Promises

I know that not everyone who reads my blog is religious, but I really wanted to share this talk that I read by one of the leaders of my church. It is by Elder Spencer Condie, and it is called Claim the Exceeding Great and Precious Promises. You can click on the link to read the talk, or listen to it by clicking here.

One of my friends who has battled IF for a long time shared it with me, and I LOVE it. It seemed like he was speaking directly to me and any other person out their who has longed for a child. One of my favorite lines says, "Sometimes, in our earthly impatience, we may lose sight of the Lord’s precious promises and disconnect our obedience from the fulfillment of these promises. The Lord has declared: 'Who am I, saith the Lord, that have promised and have not fulfilled?'" DH and I are pretty religious, so I found it comforting to have a reminder that one day we WILL have a family. Maybe not on our timeline, but it will happen!

Weekend and Cycle Updates

DH and I had a great long weekend! On Saturday, I took the opportunity to go get a massage with the gift certificate DH had given me for was wonderful! It was so relaxing and honestly just what I needed. I wish that I could rationalize spending the money on a massage more regularly, but unfortunately, I can't. After I came home from the massage, we went out for Italian Food.

Sunday (Valentine's Day) was a lot of fun! When I went to get into my car after church, I found that DH had left me a plate of my favorite sugar cookies. They are from Cutler's Bakery, and I can never get enough of them. They are so thick and rich, but so delicious! That evening, I made a nice dinner for us to eat at home. Everything turned out really well (I was a little nervous because it was the first time I had made some of the recipes). DH loved everything and it was all delicious! After dinner we exchanged gifts and watched "Couples Retreat". After the movie was over, we purposefully stayed up late playing Xbox...just because we could. Neither of us had to work on Monday, so we wanted to take advantage of being able to stay up late on a Sunday/sleep in on Monday. Maybe that is a little immature, but we had fun! :)

Yesterday, we went to lunch and to see "Dear John". I thought it was okay. I had already read the book and there were some big differences. I think I would be okay with the changes they made, except that the movie just seemed slow.

Now for some cycle news...
I am feeling really frustrated with my cycle. I know that I need to just relax and quit stressing myself out, but I can't help it. Today is CD 17 and I still haven't O'd. Last cycle, my monitor peaked on CD 12, so it just seems really inconsistent. The latest I have ever peaked on my monitor was CD 18, so hopefully I get those three bars tomorrow! I know that it is okay for there to be some variation of when O happens, but it frustrates me because I used to be so regular. Part of me worries that I won't even O this cycle. Maybe it doesn't matter that much because I go see the RE in a couple of weeks, assuming that I don't get a BFP. I just hate waiting!!! Sometimes I think it is harder to wait for O than it is to wait to POAS.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Let's Get Physical

This morning I went in for a physical with our normal family doctor. I figured that it couldn't hurt to make sure that from her perspective, I am healthy and well.

The appointment was pretty uneventful. She gave me plenty of time to ask any questions or express any concerns that I have. The pelvic pain that I have experienced for the last few cycles has been MIA this month, but she still wanted to know about it. She said that if it comes back, she wants to hear from me so that we can do an u/s. Her thought is that I probably had some large cyst(s) on my ovaries that hung around for a few months. I decided not to tell her that it has been over a year since the m/c and we have had no luck TTC. I figured that since I am already have an appointment with the RE, it wouldn't make much difference. At the end of the appointment, she ordered some basic blood work to make sure everything seems okay.

Although nothing too exciting happened, I feel like my check-up went really well. I am glad that she really took the time to listen to me and validated the concern I have had with my pelvic pain.

Speaking of pelvic pain, like I said it hasn't really shown up this cycle. I have maybe had a little twinge here or there, but nothing too exciting. My cervical mucous has also been more regular. Hopefully it is a good thing that it is more back to normal, but it just makes me a little nervous that one cycle can vary so much from the previous one.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

I am a Bad Person...

…not really, but sometimes I think that TTC for so long has caused me to develop some less than desirable traits. I used to always be the patient, empathetic person. I could genuinely share the joy and pain of my friends. I feel like TTC has slowly made me jaded. I probably don’t really want to hear all of the details about how you are KU/have morning sickness/saw the heartbeat/etc (even thought I would still want to know that you are KU and things are going well). It’s not that I wouldn’t have cared in the past or that I won’t someday in the future, but just not right now. And while I am sad for someone who goes through a pg loss because I know how hard it can be, there is a small piece of me that is grateful that there is one less person who I might want to avoid and one more person who instead knows what I am going through.

It is thoughts like that which make me realize I am not the person I once was, and in some ways, that is a bad thing. True, TTC has brought DH and I closer together and I also believe that it has brought me closer to my faith. But, I don’t want to be bitter and angry every time pregnancy, babies, and children in general are mentioned. I don’t want to feel like there are people and events that would be easier for me to avoid. I don’t want to be the person that people get awkward around or don’t feel comfortable bringing up certain topics. I don’t want to be that person.

What I do want is to feel more grateful for the things I have been blessed with. I have a loving husband, a warm home, a great job, and amazing family and friends. I want to be the person that people enjoy being around and is a good friend to everyone. I know it will take time and it will be a hard process, but that is the person I want to be again.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Valentine's Preview

I know that Valentine's isn't that big/exciting of a holiday, but for reason I have really been looking forward to it this year. What made it even better was the realization that it also falls on a long weekend. This is great not only because of having Monday off of work, but because it also means that DH's cousin (he is living with us until he gets married in March) will likely go home for the weekend.

Since Valentine's is on a Sunday, we will probably go out to eat on Saturday and then I have planned a nice stay-at-home meal for us Sunday night. I am excited to have an excuse to make a more formal dinner and to finally use my china. We have been married for almost 3.5 years, and it has been in the box this entire time!

For dinner, I am planning on making coq au vin...thanks to Emma for the recipe! I am going to serve it with garlic mashed potatoes, green beans, and rolls. For dessert, I am planning on making a chocolate Oreo cheesecake. I hope everything turns out, since I have never made the coq au vin or the cheesecake before. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Still Not KU, but Thanks for Asking...

Last summer, DH and I went on a cruise to celebrate our third anniversary and for me to have a distraction from our EDD. The cruise we went on arranged for us to sit with two other couples for dinner each night, and we have kept in contact a little bit with them since then. Yesterday, I got an e-mail from one of the ladies, "C", that was directed to the other lady "Y" and me.

This is the extent of our e-mails back and forth:

"C": Hi Ladies, Hope you had a wonderful Christmas and are blessed with the year ahead. We leave on another cruise next Saturday and it got me thinking of who we will be sitting with at dinner every night. Hope all is well. Any babies yet Browniris.

Me: It was good to hear from you! I am jealous that you are headed out on another cruise. I hope that you have a wonderful time! We also had a really nice Christmas. It was nice to spend time with our families. No babies for us yet, but we’ll see what this year brings.

"Y": So nice to hear from you both......I am also jealous but wish you loads of fun on this upcoming cruise :-)...Browniris, I will keep you and DH in prayer for "twins". Here's to a fruitful 2010.

Really??? Only one question is asked in the entire e-mail series and it is whether I am KU yet? I know that they didn't mean to be insensitive, but it kind of caught me off guard. Surely there was something else that could have been said.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

CD 3

Well, AF showed up Sunday evening, but that wasn't really a big surprise. I have been trying to be more positive about the whole TTC experience lately, so here are a few reasons why I am okay with having another cycle:
  1. My BBT finally went down - it has run higher than normal this whole past cycle, but I think it is finally going back to normal. At least now I am not as hot at night.
  2. I should be approaching O when I go in for my physical, which means I will have tons of pelvic pain to talk with my doctor about. Comment: I know that O pain is good, but what I have been experiencing in the 14 days around O is not normal.
  3. I should O right around Valentine's Day, which means I can kill two birds with one stone.

I think that three reasons is good enough. I don't want to go overboard on being happy that we are still TTC, right?

Last night I had a dream that I had just given birth to twin baby girls. It is not necessarily uncommon for me to have dreams about having a baby, but I usually get them during the 2ww. Unfortunately, DH woke me up right when they were bringing my babies back to me because our dog had puked on him and the blanket. Argh! After changing the sheets, I went back to bed hoping that the dream would continue, but it didn't. I just remember that I felt SO incredibly happy in that dream. It was like I had realized all of the pain and frustration of getting KU and then carrying them had finally produced these little miracles that were mine.