OB Appointment

I had another OB appointment today, and things went great! I will admit it was a little strange to be going in and not having an u/s and being able to see Jumper, but I guess that it just a sign that things are progressing well. Like I said, the appointment went well. I was able to hear Jumper's heartbeat, and it was hovering right around 160 bpm. There was also another sound that we could hear through the doppler, and my OB said that is the sound of the baby moving. She said that based on the heartbeat, movement, and my measurements, it looks like things are right on track and everything looks great! One thing that did surprise me, though, is that I have apparently lost a pound since my last appointment...which means I am probably down about 4-5 pounds or so since getting pg. She didn't seem concerned about it yet, especially since I am just starting to get my appetite back within the past few weeks. I definitely don't feel like I have lost weight...some days I feel like I am running out of normal clothes to wear!

After my appointment, I decided to make the pregnancy news public via fb and our family blog. It seems like I am pretty much the only one out of my immediate family and DH who has been holding the news back. So far, I am pleasantly surprised to report that I haven't received any "that's what happens when you adopt" comments yet. It feels good to be 'out of the closet' and freely sharing the news!

Destined for Bitterness?

I am starting to wonder if I will always harbor some level of bitterness for pg women who complain about their pregnancies.

I think I have mentioned this before, but I have a good friend who is pregnant with twins. She is two weeks farther along than me, and it took her about a year and a cycle of Clomid to get pg. So, she hasn't had the easiest journey, but obviously not the worst time, either. I have noticed that whenever my friend talks about her pregnancy, there is usually some element of complaining. I don't think she is necessarily doing it on purpose, and maybe she is just trying to be funny, but it still bothers me to some degree, especially since I know that she HATED it when our other friend constantly complained about her pregnancy last year.

I feel bad, but part of me does not look forward to spending time with her. I know that pregnancy isn't necessarily the easiest thing to live with, and I am sure it is harder with twins. It is still just hard for me to hear others complain about something that I am so thankful for. I wish I knew a nice way to say something to her about it, but I don't want to come across as being snarky.

Spreading the News

DH and I have slowly started spreading the news. I still want to keep it pretty quiet, but since we have seen a heartbeat, DH isn't too concerned about keeping it to ourselves.

Prior to my ultrasound, I told my two closest friends and my boss. I told my friends so that I would have someone IRL to talk to in case things didn't go well, and I told my boss in case I needed to take a few more days off of work, even though I was just barely back from my maternity leave. I told everyone to keep it quiet, with the exception of my friends being able to tell their husbands. I had also told my sister that is living with us, since that would have been kind of hard to keep quiet.

Anyway, the day after our u/s, my FIL came over to bring us dinner and play with J. We had our u/s picture hanging up on the magnet board, and I forgot to take it down before he came over. He didn't notice it up there, so DH asked me if it would be okay to tell his dad since he was already over there. I agreed, so now my FIL and his wife know...they are both super excited and have agreed to not tell anyone else. I figure that since my FIL knows, my parents and my MIL have a right to know as well. After all, if I had a m/c at this point, we would tell them anyway, right? It is my mom's 50th birthday this week, so we plan to tell her when we get together to celebrate her birthday. We also have a family dinner on Sunday with my MIL, so I think we will tell her then. At that point, I will be at 8 weeks...it is earlier than I was originally planning to share, but I think I am okay with it.

However, I have one concern...my SIL just had a m/c last week. Both of my SIL announced that they were pg on Christmas: one is with her second baby, and the other is an oops pg with her boyfriend. It is the SIL with the oops pg who had the m/c. She has said that she knows it is for the best because she wasn't ready to care for a baby and was actually considering adoption, but I know it is still hard on her. Our due dates would have been within days of each other, so I want to be empathetic to her feelings and not make her feel worse.

As for telling friends...DH and I spend a lot of time with a group of friends, which consists of four other couples. Two couples had babies last year after getting KU really easily, one couple has been TTC for almost 2 years (has yet to go to the Dr. to find out what is going on), and the other couple just found out they are having twins. So right now, there is just the one couple that doesn't have kids or have a baby on the way. Two of the couples were the ones that I had told about being pg prior to the u/s. When we were hanging out with our friends over the weekend, one of the guys accidentally outed us to one of the couples that didn't know. So, the only other couple in our group of friends that doesn't know is the one that has been having a hard time TTC. I have been really reluctant to tell her (C), because I have a feeling that she is going to take it really hard. She still hasn't really started talking to me again since we adopted J. I feel like I need to tell her so that she doesn't feel bad for being the only one that doesn't know, but I am just worried how she will take the news. I don't necessarily want to wait until I am in my second trimester, only for her to find out that everyone else knew weeks ago. I think it is better to just get it over with; I would want to know if the situation were reversed. I can understand how hard it is to be in that situation, but at the same time, we all get frustrated with her because she won't go to the doctor.

Anyway, I think that is all that is new with me right now. I am still feeling the first tri symptoms, but in a way, they are reassuring to me. Baby J is doing great - I will need to post some updated pictures - and I love being able to spend time with him.

Oh Brother...

I need to vent for a minute. It is definitely true that adopting a baby eases the pain of not being a mother, but it doesn't take away the pain of IF. I will admit that it has been much easier to deal with the recent rash of pg announcements, but there is still some pain. I for sure still get frustrated when I hear people complain about their pregnancies, whether it is the discomfort, it was unplanned, etc.

This was the case a few minutes ago when I read my friend, B's blog. As a quick reminder, B is the one who had an unplanned pregnancy and has bitched and moaned about it quite a bit...to the point where even my fertile friends are annoyed. She is also the one who has been on a "budget" because her husband has been unemployed and she had to work two jobs, yet continued to spend money like crazy (and then complain about not having money). Anyway...back to what I was saying. I saw that B had posted about reaching her due date, but I was shocked about some of the things that I read. She said that she felt bitter about going over her due date, even though she knows it is not uncommon for first time moms to do so. She also talked about how excited she is to go into labor so that she will finally not be pregnant anymore. There were a few other things that she mentioned that just rubbed me the wrong way. I mean, really? I know that I have not experienced pregnancy, and I am sure it is hard and uncomfortable, but I still hate it when people, especially B, complain about it. There are so many women out there who would give anything to be in her position, and she takes it all for granted. How nice would it be to have an accidental pregnancy without ever trying to get KU?

Now I am sure that the complaining will go from being about her pregnancy to about how hard it is to have a newborn baby...

Two Weeks

Things are going well! DH went back to work yesterday, so this has been my first few days home alone with J. Overall, it hasn't been too crazy; we are just trying to get into a good routine that will still allow me to get stuff done at home and get a little sleep! :)

I took J to his two week appointment yesterday, and he is already up to 8 lbs 6 oz. He is still 20.5" long, but the doctor said that is normal. J is becoming so much more alert, and it is fun to interact and play with him.

One of the things that I have been struggling with lately is finding a good balance between talking about J and being excited about being a mom compared with being sensitive to friends who have IF. I have one friend in particular, C, who this is especially difficult. C is very private, but a few months ago, she slowly started confiding in me more and more about how she and her husband have been trying to get pg for about a year and a half. The thing is though, C hasn't gone to the doctor to try and figure out what is going on, and I get the impression that she is not in a hurry to make an appointment. Before we found out about J, it was becoming easier for her to talk about IF with me. Now, it is uncomfortable to be around her. I have hung out with her twice, and both times she hardly talks. All she does is play games on her phone and look miserable. Other people have noticed this, so I know it is not just me. After the first time, I sent her a text saying that I know it is hard to be around baby stuff and I appreciated her friendship and support. She responded that this has been harder than she thought it would be, but she was happy for me. I want to be supportive of her because I DO know how hard it can be, but at the same time, I get frustrated because I don't think that she is doing anything to fix her situation. I also struggle with wanting to post things on fb or my family blog, but then I remember how bad it sucks to be on the other end and always have baby things flashed in your face. I suppose I am just trying to find a good balance so that I am not hurting anyone, while still enjoying J and being a mom.

I Survived Another Shower...Thank Goodness for Friends!

I went to a shower for my friend, B, this afternoon. I have mentioned B before...she is the friend that had a "surprise" pregnancy a month or so after making comments about how she would "kill herself if she got KU". She is the friend who has complained about the discomforts of pregnancy every chance she gets. She is the friend that got on my nerves before she was pg, but has been even more so since.

I went to the shower with three of my friends. One just had a baby in July (but also gets annoyed with B) and two others who have had problems TTC. I don't know what I would have done without these friends...it made the shower so much better. I swear every other girl there besides my two friends and me had either had a baby recently or was pg. One girl had the tiniest baby bump, but could not take her hands off her belly. After we left, my two friends commented on how "the preggies were coming out of the woodwork" today, and that trend seemed to continue while we went to the mall following the shower.

I am slowly getting better about not being so bitter around pg people and kids, but I still hate it when people take it for granted and complain about how hard it is. This is especially the case with B...she knows that we had a m/c, have struggled with IF, and are hoping to adopt. We have been trying to have a baby for longer than she has even been married, so it sucked to find out that she was able to get KU on accident. I don't mean to complain and whine, I just wish people that knew that someone was struggling with IF wouldn't rub their pg in their face. Thankfully, my two friends feel the same way with this issue, so it is nice to not be alone and have someone who understands/wants to get out of a baby shower as quickly as I do!

Weekend Getaway and Drama

I feel like I kind of dropped off the face of the earth for the past few days, but it was for a good reason...DH and I were able to get away with some friends for a long weekend! One of our friends won a free stay at a home in St. George, UT and invited us and three other couples to come along. We went down Thursday after work and just got home tonight.

It was so nice to get away...honestly, it was just what I needed! We spent some time at the pool, went to the movies, ate tons of good food, played games, and spent an evening down in Vegas. It was such a carefree time...until...family drama.

DH and I both had family drama issues crop up on our sides of the family. Without going into too many details, I got a fb message from my sister that was sent to my other siblings and me. She basically said that she was disowning us because she thinks that we consider her to be the black sheep of the family. Her boyfriend/fiance also posted some pretty bad things about my family on fb, which were all untrue. I don't know what to do with my sister. She is bipolar, and she apparently hasn't been taking her meds, so it isn't like she is just purposefully trying to be this way. It is so hard to see my family hurt by how she acts, especially when I know it isn't really her.

L had her Baby!

I found out this morning that my good friend, L, had her baby today! He was born a month early, but is doing well.

The best part is that when I opened the text that her husband sent out and saw his picture/info, I was truly happy for her! There was no jealousy, no bitterness...nothing except happiness and excitement for their family! It seems like now that I am moving forward with adoption, it is making it so much easier to deal with pg family/friends and new babies.

I Survived the Shower!

Well, I survived the shower yesterday...and I must admit that I had a good time! I think that what helped the most was the fact that my friend that was hosting it with me has also had a loss - her baby would actually be due right around the same time as our friend's that was having the shower. Anyway, it was nice to be there to support L, but also nice to be busy keeping things going, overseeing food, and also having people to talk to. I saw a few friends that I hadn't seen in a while, and it was kind of funny because I could tell that a few of them were trying to find a polite way to ask about TTC, but just couldn't get it out. For example, one friend that was there had a baby in December, and I have only seen her once or twice since then. She kept asking how things were going or if I had anything new/exciting going on. I just kept saying that everything was good, but I had nothing to share. Maybe I should have shared the adoption news, but she could have read it on my blog...

Anyway, after the shower I went with a couple of my friends to get pedicures and frozen yogurt. It was so nice to just spend an afternoon with the girls. Most of our good friends live about thirty minutes or so away from us. So, even though we see them pretty regularly, it isn't very often that I get to go spend an afternoon with the girls. It was so relaxing and just what I needed. It also reminded me how much I miss living close to friends.

Also - with the family blog. I did receive an e-mail from a friend (who has also been dealing with IF) saying that she is super excited for our decision and is very supportive of us. I also told a few friends who already knew that we were pursuing adoption about our progress, and they have all been super excited for us as well. I just think that maybe the friends that were most likely to leave a comment on the blog either hadn't read it yet or maybe wanted to give something more than a comment. And maybe everyone else just doesn't know what to say??? I guess what matters is that I know our family and close friends are happy for us and are very supportive.

I Know I Shouldn't Be Bugged...

Shortly after I found out that one of my good friends, L, was KU last December, one of my other good friends, A, and I decided that we wanted to through her a baby shower. A got KU the same time as L, but she ended up having an ectopic pg. She has wanted a baby for a long time, so we have been able to sympathize with each other.

Anyway, we started planning a baby shower for L. This was kind of a big step for me because normally I go out of my way to avoid going to baby showers, let alone be involved in all of the planning. But, this has been somewhat therapeutic for me. It has helped me get more excited for L's baby and really just made this whole thing easier. I have found that it is easier for me to deal with a friend/family members pg if I am being proactive and trying to give of myself.

Earlier this week, our friend B, who just recently announced that she was unexpectedly KU, started e-mailing about how since she no longer has to work the day of the shower, she wants to help plan it. She was offering to help with food, decorations, etc. The problem is, I REALLY don't want her help. This shower is something that I want to do for L. It is something in the baby world that I have control over. I don't want some fertile chick coming in and taking credit or taking over. Maybe that sounds harsh and probably really petty, but I have a hard time with B as it is.

So now, I have been trying to nip any suggestions she has. For example, she mentioned that she has some decorations - my response? Well, we were just planning on making a diaper cake and getting balloons, since the shower is at a clubhouse. Food? Oh, we already talked about it and have it planned... I know that maybe I should just tell A how I am feeling or even just thank B for her offer, but tell her that we have everything under control. I just don't want to be seen as that bitter/jealous/bitchy girl.

Nothing New with Me

Not much has been going on with us. I O'd over the weekend, so I am officially in the 2ww. I guess I learned a while ago not to get my hopes up, and so even though we timed our BD, I am not expecting anything exciting. I was feeling kind of sick yesterday (nauseated, headache, tired), but of course it would be WAY to early for it to even mean anything (not that it will). Isn't it funny how after you have been TTC for so long that your mind automatically goes to 'Could this symptom mean I am pg'? Like I said, I am not planning on it meaning anything...it just sucks when getting sick happens to time itself with the 2ww.

I have been talking with one of my friends, and I think that we have decided we are going to run a 10k together next month. I am really excited! I have gotten my distance up to 5.5 miles, so I am getting close. I figure that this will be a good goal for me to work towards. Plus, I always feel so much more relaxed when I am running somewhat regularly.

Speaking of friends, I asked my friend A if she knew if B (the one who suddenly just announced that she is KU) and her DH were TTC or if it was a surprise. It sounds like B forgot to take her BCP a few days and this is what happened. Wow. Wouldn't it be nice if it was that easy? On Friday, DH and I went to dinner with a bunch of our friends. B was there, along with my friend L, who is due in August. We got to hear all about the nursery plans/cribs/OB appointments/etc. After dinner, the girls went to Target. L, B, and A went to look at maternity clothes. The other girl that was there (C - who I am running with), and I ended up walking around the store by ourselves. C and her DH have been TTC for a year. Neither of us wanted to be wet blankets, but obviously it would not be fun for us to look at maternity clothing. C and I joked that at least we have each other and that we are going to need to start finding new friends!

Breaking Down

I hate that I have been such a downer lately, but I have really been struggling for the past few days. The other night, DH and I had a talk about what our plans are. We didn’t really come to any conclusions besides we can’t make a plan until we meet with the counselor, but we decided that we could potentially be interested in IVF, embryo adoption, or traditional adoption. When we were going to bed that night, I totally broke down. It was like everything that I have been holding in just spilled out and I couldn’t stop crying. I told DH about how scared I am that we will never be parents and how heartbreaking it is to think that maybe we will never be blessed with biological children. I told him how hard it can be to go to church (even though church should be the thing that helps you keep going, right?) because there are so many pregnant women there and so many new babies. I shared with him that I live in fear of the day that our friends tell us they are expecting and how hard it will be to pretend to be happy for them. DH reassured me that yes, one day we will be parents and that we will be moving in the right direction again as soon as we can meet with the counselor. I then said how it will be weird to not be trying next month…no OPKs, no CBEFM, no timed BD. DH told me that as far as he is concerned, he thinks that we should keep trying on our own until we have a different plan in place. He also shared a lot of his feelings/hopes/fears. It helped me to realize that DH is still hopeful and is not giving up, but that he also shares some of my own feelings.

I thought that I was doing a little better today, but then I got an e-mail from a friend saying she just wanted to let us know that she and her husband are expecting a baby on December 14. This totally took me by surprise – out of all of our friends, I thought they were the one couple who wasn’t TTC. I e-mailed her back saying congratulations, but to be honest, I only feel bitter. This may make me sound conceited or judgmental, but I don’t understand why they would have a baby now. B (the wife) seemed to always be making comments about how she would kill herself if she was pg. Her husband was laid off in January (had a few months notice) and still is not working, meanwhile she is working two jobs so that they can get by. If they get to have a baby with less than ideal circumstances, why not us? I know that their situation has nothing to do with our problems, but it is still so frustrating. I honestly feel like I just need to find new friends, but I don’t know where to even start and with my luck they would be TTC and fertile.

I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling bitter and frustrated. I hate feeling like I am on the verge of tears and having my heart break. I hate the fact that I live in fear of my friends making a pg announcement and that I sometimes secretly hope that my pg friends will not end up hanging out with us on the weekend. I just wish that I could catch a break with this whole process – can’t something just come easily for once????

Help me Decide

When I found out that my good friend L was KU, I decided that I wanted to make her a baby blanket. I have found that making a blanket/similar item for friends who are KU makes it a little easier to deal with my lack of children.

Anyway...I originally found a pattern for a rag quilt to make for L. The only problem is that all of the fabric that I like is quite expensive...meaning this blanket would cost much more than I am willing to spend on her. Other options that I have thought of are to crochet a baby blanket, just make a receiving blanket or bibs, or buy something from her registry. I just can't decide what to do...part of me is leaning towards crocheting a blanket, part of me thinks I should find another pattern, and another part says to just do something more simple.

If you have any ideas or want to help me with my decision, check out my poll or leave a comment. I would love to get some feedback!

Friday Thoughts

Today is my third day on Clomid. So far, I haven't noticed any crazy side effects, which is a relief. The only thing I have noticed is that my boobs are a little sore and I have been waking up a few times in the night because I am hot. I am sure that DH is relieved I haven't been feeling too crazy. I warned him that I heard some people end up getting really bitchy, so he was expecting the worst.

We got our information packet from the adoption agency yesterday. Basically, their charge is 10% of your gross annual income, with a minimum charge of $4000 and a maximum charge of $10,000. DH and I didn't really get a chance to talk about all of the information (my cousin is staying with us for a few days while she visits from CA), but I guess we just need to talk about it and decide whether we are ready to take that plunge, or if we want to just stick with what we are doing now.

I am really looking forward to this weekend. My church has a semi-annual general conference, which is basically when our prophet and other church leaders speak to church members via a broadcast on Saturday and Sunday. I always love getting that spiritual boost. Plus, on Saturday night, there is a meeting that is held just for the guys. My friends and I have started a girls night out tradition during this time, and we always have so much fun! We are still trying to decide on all the details...we will for sure go to dinner, and then either go shopping, see a movie, or get pedicures.

I am also excited for Sunday, because we are having Easter dinner at my house. This is the first holiday that I have ever hosted at my house, so I am a little nervous, but I think it will be fun. My family plus my MIL and her husband are coming over, so we should have a good group. Have a happy Easter!

Early Peak

DH and I had a great long weekend together. I always love it when three day weekends come around, especially when Monday is the day that we get to take off. It seems to make the weekend last so much longer. We decided to spend Friday night at home, but on Saturday we went to the car show with some friends. This has become a tradition of sorts with us, since we have gone with these same friends for the last three years. I don't know why, but I really enjoy checking out all the cars. Sunday and Monday were also spent at home watching 24. We LOVE this show and the new season just started with a four hour premier split between the two nights.

Another good benefit to the long weekend is that it gave us plenty of time for BD. Good thing too, since my monitor showed a 'peak' yesterday, which is two days earlier than I was expecting. I am kind of not sure what to think about that. I have had so much O pain this cycle - and I continuing to have it - that I don't know if I should believe that I have really peaked. I still have EWCM, and I know that the peak doesn't necessarily indicate that I have O'd, but rather that O is imminent. I guess I just feel really confused and frustrated with my cycle. I should be grateful that my cycle is somewhat regular and that I am most likely Oing each time, but I still feel like something is "off". Maybe I am just being a hypochondriac. I go to the doctor tomorrow, so hopefully she can shed some light on the situation.

I Did Pretty Well

Last night, DH and I had our good friends over. We have a good group of friends, but there are two couples, the S's and the O's. who we spend time with pretty regularly. We went to dinner and then the girls all made a craft while the boys had the ultimate Xbox experience. Seriously...we had three TVs lined up in my family room so that each guy could have his own TV while they played online together. I usually look forward to these kind of nights. We have so much fun with them and I am always up for doing a craft with the ladies. However, I was a little bit nervous about how much fun I was going to have, seeing as these are my two friends that both had BFPs on their first cycle TTC. Granted, the S's lost their baby, but the O's haven't and her due date is just a week or two before my baby would have been born. Although they aren't really telling many people that they are KU, she will still make comments about how "her boobs hurt" or she "has to unbutton her pants because she just feels so bloated". It is always hard to hear.

Fortunately, the evening went pretty well. She didn't talk about her pg too much, and when it did come up, I was okay with it. I don't know if she finally realized that it is hard for us to here her talk about it with both the S's and me having a loss, but it was better than it has been in previous weeks. I have been trying really hard to be happy for her. It's not like I want anything to go wrong with her pg, but I just wish that I was in that situation again. I try not to think about it, but it sucks that she got something so easily when they just figured it was time to start trying, meanwhile DH and I have been trying for over a year. I realize that we all have our own issues and trials to work through, but the crappy thing about TTC is that it seems to be always in your face.

Anyway, enough with my rambling. I am hoping that things will continue to be better and I won't dread hanging around the O's. I guess things could change if the S's are able to get KU again quickly, but we'll see what happens.

Good Times, Good Times

Before I get started on this post, I need to give a little bit of background information:

For almost as long as I can remember, my best friend has been T. We first met when we were four years old and her family came to look at the next door neighbor's house that was for sale. We started playing outside while her parents looked through the house, and the rest is history - we have been best friends ever since! A year or two after high school, T moved about a four hour drive away. Even though we only get to see each other a few times a year, we are still good friends and I honestly think that we always will be.

Anyway, I got a surprise text message on Tuesday from T saying that she was coming into town for a few days and wanted to get together. I was stoked because the last time we saw each other was when I was down in her neck of the woods last February. We ended up getting together with a few other friends from high school last night, and it was seriously so much fun! We just went to dinner at Chili's, but it was so much fun to see everyone. T also brought her new baby boy, and it was fun to see and hold him. T had a m/c about a month before I did, but was fortunately able to get pg again quickly and now her son is about 3 months old. I was a little nervous that it would be hard for me to be around her baby, but it wasn't bad at all. He is so stinking cute and has the LONGEST eyelashes. It was such a fun evening and DH was a WAY good sport for coming along and listening to us reminisce.

On a lamer note, AF arrived in FULL force this morning. This may be TMI, but I got up with the dog around 1:30 and decided to pee. At that time, nothing seemed to really have changed. I was still spotting, but it wasn't bad, so I figured that my panty liner would be fine. Fast forward to this morning...I go to the bathroom and find that my underwear is soaked...compliments of AF. It seriously looked like she had tried to get my period all over in a matter of a few hours. Gross, I know. Fortunately, the cramping hasn't been too bad today and things have slowed down since this morning.

I am usually able to be somewhat optimistic about TTC during this point of my cycle. I have gotten over the disappointment of not being KU and am hopeful for things to come. But for some reason, I am already kind of "not feeling it" this time around. I don't know if it is because I thought that I was KU last time, or what. I go to the doctor to talk about options and "where we go from here" in a couple of weeks, so maybe that will help.

Just What I Needed to Hear

Last week, I sent an e-mail to a good friend who has been TTC for a LONG time. I needed to vent, and I knew that she would understand what I was feeling and have a listening ear. I received a response from her yesterday, and she seriously said exactly what I needed to hear. She talked a lot about different emotions and feelings that she has had since they started TTC and what she has learned through the process. She shared with me three reasons that she could think of for having the road to motherhood be so rocky. In a nutshell, they are:

1. This experience is teaching me to better understand others' trials - especially those dealing with infertility/miscarriage. Maybe someday I'll have a daughter who is struggling with TTC and I'll truly be able to understand and help her. When we go through trials, we can become more compassionate because we know what it's like.
2. Maybe it's not about me and what I want, but rather that my future children are not finished doing some sort of important work up in heaven. Or maybe they're just not supposed to be born yet. Sounds so obvious and simple, but "when" a person is born determines so much about their lives. I can try to think less about ME and more about the needs of my future children including trying to better prepare our home for them.
3. Patience, patience. Here's a quote that she shared:
   "Everywhere in nature we are taught the lessons of patience and waiting. We want things a long time before we get them, and the fact that we wanted them a long time makes them all the more precious when they come." (Joseph F. Smith).

Getting my friend's e-mail really helped put things in perspective for me again and realize that it isn't ALL about me. It may be hard to go through this process right now, but hopefully I will come out of it as a better person. I am a firm believer that there is a reason for life and for the trials that we experience. I don't think that things necessarily happen hap-hazardly or that God doesn't care about what we are going through. I just need to suck it up, keep trudging along, and look for ways that I can grow from this experience.

Are you Freaking Kidding Me???

Since Saturday night, I have had the privilege of finding out that my two closest friends just got pregnant. To top things off, this was both of their first cycle's TTC. While I am telling them congratulations and trying to keep a smile pasted to my face, I can't help but scream on the inside. I know life isn't fair, but it sure does seem like a double whammy to have my two closest girlfriends both get pregnant at the same time on their first cycle. How does this happen? I feel like the fertility gods are conspiring against me! When they told me that they were going to start TTC, I thought for sure that I would have at least a few months to prepare myself and that hopefully I would be pregnant before they both were. Obviously, no such luck. I don't know how well I am going to be able to cope with having to hang around them and have them talk about their pregnancies and their upcoming due dates, when I am the one that has been trying for so much longer, yet have the empty uterus. Perhaps as things progress, I will feel differently and be able to adapt to things. I will admit though that there is some immature part of me that wants to find new friends that either don't want kids, can't have kids, or are in the same boat as me.