ICLW!

Wow...I can't believe it is already that time again! It seems like October has just rushed by. If you are new to my blog, welcome! My short story is that DH and I have been TTC for about two years. I was diagnosed with a chromosome abnormality in May, and we are now hoping to adopt. We have been approved since the beginning of August, so now we are just waiting...

Nothing is really new with me this week. I have still been super busy at work and at home. I thought that since I didn't really have much to say, I would post ten random things about myself:

1. I absolutely love this time of year. I love the crisp autumn air, the scents associated with fall, the leaves, everything. I honestly have a fall "to do" list that I try and accomplish every year just so that I can enjoy the season so much.
2. I love to read! Lately I have been reading some of Jodi Piccoult's books, but some of my other favorites are "Gone with the Wind" and the "Hunger Games" series.
3. I play the piano and DH plays the drums. DH has a ton of recording equipment from when he has been in bands, so we are trying to record some music together.
4. I am training for the Utah Ragnar race...this is a relay race that spans the distance from Logan, UT to Park City, UT (a distance of about 200 miles or so).
5. Speaking of running, I love to go jogging with my little furkid, Faline. Faline is a miniature pinscher, and she is able to keep up pretty well until I hit 5 miles or so.
6. I grew up with "the greatest snow on earth", but I hate the snow, snow sports, and anything involving being outside when it is cold/snowy.
7. I really enjoy making crafts and home decorating, although sometimes I don't feel like I am very creative.
8. I am a nurse, but I don't work on the floor anymore. I do more quality improvement/manager stuff.
9. I am an avid Utah Jazz fan. It is not uncommon for me to suggest the DH and I stay in and order takeout so that we can watch Friday night games.
10. One of my dreams is to visit every continent...unfortunately, the furthest place I have been from home so far is Mexico, so I definitely have a way to go!

ICLW

I can't believe that it is already time for another ICLW! I love this time of the month because it is such a great way to get to "know" other IF bloggers. If you are new to my blog, check out the "Our Story" header to learn more about us. In a nutshell, I was diagnosed with a chromsome insertion in May and we are now in the process of getting approved for adoption. Thanks for stopping by!

Bucket List

One of my friends e-mailed me this bucket list, and I thought it would be fun to blog about something besides IF. So...here is a little bucket list about me. Basically, you just put an X by the things that you have ever done.

(x) Shot a gun
(x) Gone on a blind date
(x) Skipped school
( ) Been to Canada
( )Been to Alaska
( ) Been to Cuba
( ) Been to Europe
(x) Been to Las Vegas
(x) Been to Mexico
(x) Been to Florida
(x) Been on a plane
(x) Been on a Cruise Ship
( ) Served on a Jury
(x) Been lost
(x) Been on the opposite side of the country
(x) Gone to Washington, DC
(x) Swam in the Ocean
(x) Cried yourself to sleep
(x) Played Cops and Robbers
(x) Played Cowboys and Indians
( ) Recently colored with crayons
(x) Sang Karaoke
(x) Paid for a meal w/ coins only
(x) Made prank phone calls
( ) Laughed until some beverage came out of your nose
(x) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) Danced in the rain
(x) Written a letter to Santa
(x) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(x) Watched the sunrise with someone
(x) Blown bubbles
(x) Gone ice skating
(x) Gone skiing
(x) Camped out under the stars
(x) Seen something so beautiful that it took your breath away
(x) Are or have been married
( ) Have children
(x) Had a pet
( )Been skinny dipping outdoors
(x) Been fishing
(x) Been boating
(x) Been water skiing
(x) Been hiking
(x) Been camping in a trailer/RV
(x) Flown in a small 4-seater airplane (even a 2-seater)
( ) Flown in a glider
( ) Been flying in a helicopter
( ) Been flying in a hot air balloon
( ) Been bungee-jumping
(x) Gone to a drive-in movie
( ) Done something that should have killed you
( ) Been to Africa
( ) Ever ride an elephant
(x) Ever eaten just cookies for dinner
(x) Ever been on TV
( ) Ever steal any traffic signs
(x) Ever been in a car accident
(x) Have a nickname?

Favorite drink? Juice
Body piercing? Ears
How much do you love your job? I like it most days...I have been here for 7 years, though...so that has got to say something!
Do you drive a 2-door or 4-door vehicle? 4 Door
Favorite number? 6
Favorite holiday? Christmas
Favorite dessert? Most any baked goods
Where do you see yourself in 10 years? Hopefully a stay at home mom!

Happy ICLW!

Thanks for visiting my blog! I love ICLW, but I can't believe it is already that time of month again.

If you are new to my blog, here is a quick summary of our TTC Journey:

• November 2008: first month TTC
• December 2008: BFP!!!
• January 2009: m/c at 10 weeks
• February 2009 - March 2010: a whole lot of nothing...my HSG is clear and DH's s/a looks great!
• March 2010: First visit with RE
• May 2010: Diagnosed with interchromosomal insertion

Now, DH and I are trying to decide what to do. We are waiting to hear back from our genetics counselor to see what the chances of us getting a viable embryo with IVF and PGD would be. If they don't give us good odds, we will most likely apply for traditional adoption. However, I worry that we will spend all of our money on IVF, and if it fails, we won't have any money left over for other treatments or adoption.

I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster. Some days are okay, some are bad. I haven't really felt "great" since we got the diagnosis, but I am trying to work through it one day at a time.

Getting to Know Me

Since most of my blog has just been about IF and TTC, I thought that I would write a little about me. I found an old e-mail questionnaire saved on my computer, so I thought I would answer those questions in this post.

1. Two things you are wearing right now: Jeans, sweater
2. Two of your favorite things to do: Spend time with friends, read
3. Two things you want very badly at the moment: To be KU and to be on vacation (we are going in May, and it can't come fast enough!)
4. Two favorite pets you have had/have: This is a hard one...I have had a dog ever since I was three years old. I don't think that I could choose a favorite. I will just say my two current furkids, Mookie and Faline
5. Two things you ate today: Orange juice, cadburry easter egg
6. Two people you last talked to: Two nurses at work
7. Two things you're doing tomorrow: Working in my flower garden, possibly going car shopping
8. Two longest car rides: 1. Round trip car ride beginning in DC, going to Baltimore, then Gettysburg, then upstate New York, then New York City, back to Baltimore, then DC. 2. Raindrop from Utah to California
9. Two favorite memories: Wedding day and various vacations
10. Two favorite holidays: Christmas and Thanksgiving
11. Two current goals: Run 5K on April 17, be more optimistic
12. Two favorite beverages: Lemonade, orange juice
13. If you could be a crayon, what color would you be? Pink
14. What is your favorite color? Green
15. What is one date on the calendar you are looking forward to? May 8...we are headed out of town!
16. Number of cities you have lived in: 4
17. Where would you like to retire to? Someplace warm, green, and with a beach
18. Favorite clothing store: It varies depending on my mood, but I like Victoria's Secret, Old Navy, Gap, AE, or I will just shop online
19. Favorite TV shows: Office, America's Next Top Model, 24, Bachelor
20. Type of car you drive: Subaru Legacy

Welcome!

Happy ICLW week! This is my second month participating in ICLW, and I am super excited!

If you are new to my blog, here is my story in a nutshell: DH and I got married in August 2006. I went off birth control October 2008 and found out I was KU that December! Sadly, we had a m/c in January at 10 weeks. Nothing too exciting has happened since then. If you want a more detailed look at our journey, you can visit this post.

Here are four things about me (Four, Four, Four, Four)....

Four places I go regularly: Work, the gym, the grocery store, church
Four favorite smells: Rain, DH's cologne, clean laundry, fall
Four favorite foods: Anything Italian, oatmeal butterscotch cookies, enchiladas, Cafe Rio salads
Four TV shows I watch: 24, the Bachelor, America's Next Top Model, the Office

As for some cycle updates...nothing too exciting. My temps haven't been too bad, but I am not really feeling it this cycle. I figure we'll just get this cycle over with and then I have my RE appointment on March 3. Hopefully I will start getting a little more optimistic after that.

On to Happier Things...

I am 99% sure that I am not KU this cycle. I am not surprised and really not that dissapointed. Ever since CD1, I have had a feeling that it wasn't going to happen this time. I am okay with it, although I would have obviously still like to be proven wrong. I had a little bit of spotting this morning, so we'll see if AF shows up in the next day or so.

Anyway, on to happier things:

A big "THANK YOU" to Type A for giving me my very first blog award! How exciting is that?!?!

The instructions that go along with this award are as follows:
* Thank the person who nominated you for this award.

* Copy the award and place it in your blog.

* Link the person who nominated you for this award.

* Tell us 7 interesting things about you.

* Nominate 7 bloggers.

* Post the links to the 7 bloggers you nominate.

***Here are seven interesting things about me***

1. My very favorite book of all time is Gone with the Wind. I have read it several times and know I will read it several more.
2. I started playing the piano when I was in kindergarten, but am sadly out of practice.
3. I have a HUGE phobia of snakes and spiders. It is so bad that I can't even walk by them in the pet store and watching them on TV gives me the creeps.
4. When I go grocery shopping, I try to keep my cart organized with like items together (i.e. refrigerated foods in one part, produce in another, cans separate). I do this so that they will hopefully be bagged that way and it will be easier to put them away when I get home.
5. I grew up with the "greatest snow on earth" and just a few minutes away from great ski resorts, but I don't ski or snowboard. I tried boarding 4 years ago and do not like it.
6. I enjoy cooking and wish I had more time to try out new recipes.
7. I cannot stand milk. I won't even put it on my cereal.

***Seven Bloggers that I Give this Award to***
Ibis

Emma

Coco

My Basic World

Leda

Al Anonymous

AnxiousMummy

Thank you ladies for sharing your thoughts and insights with the me and the rest of the TTC/IF world!

*****

As a side note: I am trying to plan a delicious Valentine's dinner for DH and me. I know that V-day is still a few weeks off, but I am really trying to plan ahead. I figure that we will go out for Valentine's on Saturday night, so I want to make a fancier dinner and dessert on Sunday. I know I want to make a chocolate cheesecake, but besides that I am still pretty clueless. Please let me know if you have any ideas!

Looking Back

It was one year ago today that everything came crashing down.

DH and I were so excited that the day of our first prenatal check-up had finally arrived. I was 9 weeks, 4 days pregnant, and we couldn’t wait to meet our little baby for the first time. While we were in the waiting room, DH joked about what we would do if there was more than one heartbeat. I said that I knew we would make it work, and that I would just be grateful to have one heartbeat. I suddenly got this thought in the back of my mind about how I hoped our situation would be different than the miscarriage scene in the movie “Marley and Me”; we had just watched the movie a few weeks ago. I tried to push the thought out of my mind because we hadn’t had any problems, but it still nagged at me.

When we were called back for the appointment and the nurse was checking me in, I still had that same nagging feeling, but I kept trying to push it away. It was almost like my subconscious was warning me that there wasn’t going to be a happy ending. I remember thinking “what if there really isn’t a baby in there?”

The nurse directed us to a room and had me change into a hospital gown. When I took of my underwear, DH noticed a little bit of something that looked like brown blood. I hadn’t had any spotting at all, so I figured we would just ask the doctor about it during the appointment. When my doctor came in, she decided to start with an u/s. She made a comment about my uterus “being small” and needing to do a transvaginal u/s to have a better picture. She called her nurse back in and started checking things again. Once the transvaginal u/s started, DH and I could immediately tell that there was a problem. I could see her looking at the monitor and checking the baby’s measurements, but she didn’t say anything. Finally, she had DH come around and she showed us what she was looking at. The news was crushing. She informed us that our baby did not have a heartbeat that was visible on the u/s and that it only measured to 6 weeks 4 days. The doctor told us there were two possibilities: the first, and more likely, was that I was having a late m/c. The second possibility was that my dates were three weeks off and that it was barely too early to see the heartbeat. She recommended having blood work done immediately after the appointment and then in two days to see if my hormone levels were sufficiently rising. I agreed to the blood work, even though I knew that there was no way that my dates were three weeks off. How else would I have gotten a BFP when I did? After answering our questions, she left DH and me alone in the exam room. I immediately broke down while I tried to get dressed and make sense of the situation.

I went to have my blood drawn and then headed home. Once we got home, I started crying again. I called my mom to let her know what had happened and DH told his parents. My parents came over that night to bring us dinner and help us cope. I called in to work for the rest of the week, because I knew there was no way I could handle being there. My mom spent most of the next few days with my as I prepared myself for the inevitable. She was GREAT, because she knew exactly what I was going through. My mom has had eight miscarriages, so she was such a big help.

Two days after my blood work, I drove back to the lab. I went home and waited for the phone call that would confirm what we were all expecting. Later that afternoon, I started bleeding. I freaked out and called my mom and DH (they both had to go into work), who both came back to the house as quickly as possible. I believe I passed our baby that next day, which would have been my ten week mark.

Looking back, I would still say that the m/c is the most physically and emotionally painful thing that I have gone through. After it happened, I remember thinking that “at least I knew I could get pg” and that “We should be able to have another baby quickly because I got pg so quickly and easily the first time”. I thought for sure that I would be pg again by the time my SIL had her baby in May, or at least by the time my baby would have been due in August.

Now, it is a year later, and I feel like we are in the same situation. Nothing has changed, and I feel like I am no closer to having a baby of my own. I still don’t understand why we had to lose our baby, and I probably never will. It is just as confusing and frustrating to me today as it was a year ago. I do feel that this experience has changed me in many ways and has brought DH and me closer together, but I am more than ready to move on and begin the next chapter of our family.

Why I am Here...

I have been debating about whether I should create a blog like this for a long time. There has been a part of me that thinks that I will benefit from expressing my feelings this way, even if there is not anyone there who is technically "listening" - like this can be my place to vent and share my feelings about traveling this journey. The other part of me thinks that it is unnecessary...is there anyone that will read this, or is it just going to make me upset? So, after months of debating back and forth, I have decided to proceed. If there is anyone who chooses to read this, then great! If not, that is okay, too.

To start things off, I will share a bit of why I am here. I guess that DH and I haven't technically been diagnosed with infertility, but we are in the beginning phases of testing. Our journey to become parents started in October 2008 when I went off of birth control. I was so excited when December 2008 came around and I got a positive pregnancy test! We found out just in time to share our good news with our families on Christmas. We told everyone that our baby was due to arrive in late August, right around our third wedding anniversary.

The pregnancy seemed to be progressing regularly. I was experiencing all of the traditional first trimester symptoms, and was feeling relieved when I was starting to feel better around week nine. During the nine and a half week mark, DH and I went to our first prenatal check-up. We were so excited to finally see what our baby looked like, and DH was joking about how things would change if there was more than one heartbeat. My doctor did an ultrasound, but said that my uterus seemed small, so she needed to do an intravaginal ultrasound. As soon as she started that, both DH and I could tell that something was wrong. After looking more closely, the doctor said that she could not see a heartbeat and that the baby was measuring about 6 1/2 weeks instead of 9 1/2. She said that there were two possibilities. The first, and more likely, was that the baby had died and I was having a miscarriage. The second was that my dates were three weeks off and that it was barely too soon to see a heartbeat. Two days later, the bleeding and the cramping started. I had regular contractions on my second day of bleeding, and on that day (January 30) I knew that my baby was no longer inside of me.

Going through a miscarriage has been one of the hardest trials that I have had to experience. There were so many raw emotions and so many unanswered questions. It seemed like someone had played a cruel joke on me or pulled the rug out from under my hopes and dreams. Family and friends tried to offer comfort, but their words seemed to do little good to ease the pain. I tried to tell myself that since I had gotten pregnant so easily before, that it would happen again quickly, and perhaps I would still be a mother by the end of the year.

In April 2009, I decided to participate in the Eager Study, which is evaluating the effects of low-dose aspirin on pregnancy and miscarriage. The nurses in the study told me that about 80% of the women in the study got pregnant during the six month participation time frame, and that only about 8% of those had a miscarriage. I had high hopes that I would be part of that 80%, but no such luck. I left the study in October with an empty uterus and more unanswered questions. Why was I able to get pregnant so easily before, and nothing now? After a few phone calls to my doctor, she agreed to some preliminary fertility testing. DH had a semen analysis done, and his results turned out fine. The next step is for me to have a hysterosalpingogram (HSM) done this week.

I realize that our fertility journey has been a lot less painful than what has been experienced by others. I suppose that I should consider myself fortunate that I have only had one miscarriage and that I was able to get pregnant before. However, I still feel an emptiness inside and I know that it won't go away until I see that beating heart on the ultrasound or hold that new baby in my arms. There are times when it is so painful to look around me and see so many other women who are pregnant or have new babies. It is hard to hear stories on the news about babies who are born to families that didn't even want them, when I know that DH and I could give a baby such a good home. I suppose that the only thing to do right now is to try and keep my head up, keep moving forward, and try to have faith that I will eventually get through this trial.