Born September 5, 2011 at 11:25 AM.
7lbs, 11oz
21" long
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Almost There!
Well, I feel like things are going better than they were last week. It is crazy to look over at my ticker and see that it says there are only three days left!
My appointment last week went well. The doctor said that I was 80% effaced and dilated to a 1+, so that is a little bit of improvement from before. She also stripped my membranes, in the hopes that would help move things along. She encouraged me to do a lot of walking and of course, have s.ex, which is the last thing on my mind. :) At least something I am doing has been paying off, because I lost my mucous plug on Friday. It is really good to know that things are progressing and my body is getting ready.
Part of me just wishes that I would go into labor, but part of me still feels like this has gone by so quickly and that I need to cherish every last minute. I hope that I will have the opportunity to experience pregnancy again in the future, but I know that I can't count on it.
Going forward, I have another appointment this Friday, which is my actual due date. Last week, my doctor told me that they typically won't do an induction until the baby is a week overdue, so hopefully that means no later than a week from this Friday. I have been joking with my family that Jumper is going to wait to be born until then so that she can join our family's September birthday party - between me and two sisters, there are three birthdays within four days (September 10, 12, and 13).
In other news, I just received a really sad phone call while I was typing this post. I got a phone call from K's (J's birthmom) mom, who said she wanted to let me know that K has relapsed on drugs and that she wanted to warn us so that we could take adequate steps to protect our family. We talked for a while, and it broke my heart to hear about the choices that K has made. I have been thinking about her so much lately, and perhaps this is why. Her mom did say several times that she has so much peace knowing that J is with us and part of our family, and it scares her to think about where he would be if K hadn't placed him for adoption. I love J so much, and it is horrible to think of what type of environment he could be living in or what kind of life he could have. I also still have such a love for K for the decision that she made to place J with us...I wish there was something I could do, but I don't think there is anything other than praying for her. At her mom's recommendation, I think that DH and I will likely stop e-mailing K and making a few other changes just to be on the safe side, but we need to talk about it some more.
My appointment last week went well. The doctor said that I was 80% effaced and dilated to a 1+, so that is a little bit of improvement from before. She also stripped my membranes, in the hopes that would help move things along. She encouraged me to do a lot of walking and of course, have s.ex, which is the last thing on my mind. :) At least something I am doing has been paying off, because I lost my mucous plug on Friday. It is really good to know that things are progressing and my body is getting ready.
Part of me just wishes that I would go into labor, but part of me still feels like this has gone by so quickly and that I need to cherish every last minute. I hope that I will have the opportunity to experience pregnancy again in the future, but I know that I can't count on it.
Going forward, I have another appointment this Friday, which is my actual due date. Last week, my doctor told me that they typically won't do an induction until the baby is a week overdue, so hopefully that means no later than a week from this Friday. I have been joking with my family that Jumper is going to wait to be born until then so that she can join our family's September birthday party - between me and two sisters, there are three birthdays within four days (September 10, 12, and 13).
In other news, I just received a really sad phone call while I was typing this post. I got a phone call from K's (J's birthmom) mom, who said she wanted to let me know that K has relapsed on drugs and that she wanted to warn us so that we could take adequate steps to protect our family. We talked for a while, and it broke my heart to hear about the choices that K has made. I have been thinking about her so much lately, and perhaps this is why. Her mom did say several times that she has so much peace knowing that J is with us and part of our family, and it scares her to think about where he would be if K hadn't placed him for adoption. I love J so much, and it is horrible to think of what type of environment he could be living in or what kind of life he could have. I also still have such a love for K for the decision that she made to place J with us...I wish there was something I could do, but I don't think there is anything other than praying for her. At her mom's recommendation, I think that DH and I will likely stop e-mailing K and making a few other changes just to be on the safe side, but we need to talk about it some more.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Still Here
I know this post might rub some people the wrong way, so I would recommend NOT reading it if you are having a hard time right now...
I am 38 weeks 4 days right now, but I am ready to be done. I have really enjoyed my pregnancy, and it hasn't been until recently that I have started to feel more uncomfortable and miserable. I keep telling myself that I need to just be grateful and enjoy this ride for as long as it lasts, but it is getting hard.
For the past 10 days or so, I have had contractions pretty much every day. Sometimes it is just a few contractions, and those are manageable, but there are also days when I will have them for hours. On both Saturday and Sunday nights, I had them so badly and they were starting to get close enough together that DH and I were thinking that it was time to head to the hospital...and then they started to fade away. I am sure that these false labor contractions serve some purpose, but it is getting old to have them and feel so exhausted after, and then have it all be for nothing. Add to it that the worst ones usually come at night, so I am not really sleeping.
I think that one of the hardest things has also been that it is getting hard for me to take care of J. He had a pretty bad cold last week that we had to deal with, but now that he is back to normal, he is all over the place...and sometimes I physically can't keep up with him. It makes me feel like such a bad mom to know that it is getting so hard for me to take care of him. I know he won't remember any of this, but it kind of feels like he got the short end of the stick in regards to his first year of life. I am sure that he didn't ask to get a mom who has no energy to play with him or do fun things with him.
I go to the doctor again on Thursday and I am hoping that she will give me some good news. When I went to my appointment last week, she had been called to do an emergency C-section, so I had to see the nurse. The good news from that appointment was that I was measuring a half week ahead, but the bad news was that they didn't check to see if I had effaced or dilated more.
I know that my due date is next week and even if I do go over, the end isn't too far away...I am just ready for it to be the end now! I am so anxious to meet this little girl and enjoy our family of four!
I am 38 weeks 4 days right now, but I am ready to be done. I have really enjoyed my pregnancy, and it hasn't been until recently that I have started to feel more uncomfortable and miserable. I keep telling myself that I need to just be grateful and enjoy this ride for as long as it lasts, but it is getting hard.
For the past 10 days or so, I have had contractions pretty much every day. Sometimes it is just a few contractions, and those are manageable, but there are also days when I will have them for hours. On both Saturday and Sunday nights, I had them so badly and they were starting to get close enough together that DH and I were thinking that it was time to head to the hospital...and then they started to fade away. I am sure that these false labor contractions serve some purpose, but it is getting old to have them and feel so exhausted after, and then have it all be for nothing. Add to it that the worst ones usually come at night, so I am not really sleeping.
I think that one of the hardest things has also been that it is getting hard for me to take care of J. He had a pretty bad cold last week that we had to deal with, but now that he is back to normal, he is all over the place...and sometimes I physically can't keep up with him. It makes me feel like such a bad mom to know that it is getting so hard for me to take care of him. I know he won't remember any of this, but it kind of feels like he got the short end of the stick in regards to his first year of life. I am sure that he didn't ask to get a mom who has no energy to play with him or do fun things with him.
I go to the doctor again on Thursday and I am hoping that she will give me some good news. When I went to my appointment last week, she had been called to do an emergency C-section, so I had to see the nurse. The good news from that appointment was that I was measuring a half week ahead, but the bad news was that they didn't check to see if I had effaced or dilated more.
I know that my due date is next week and even if I do go over, the end isn't too far away...I am just ready for it to be the end now! I am so anxious to meet this little girl and enjoy our family of four!
Thursday, August 4, 2011
35 Weeks 6 Day
Wow, I can't believe I am already so close to 36 weeks! I still feel like time is going by really quickly, but I will admit that I am getting more ready for this little girl to make her appearance. I haven't been too nervous about her birth until just recently. Before, I always figured that it wasn't going to be a big deal because I already know what it is like to have a new baby, plus I still remember my OB rotations during school. Then, it hit me...this is going to be a lot different this time. This time, it is ME giving birth...this time, I will hopefully be breastfeeding, and that is a whole different ballgame compared to formula feeding. Needless to say, I am starting to feel a bit more nervous, especially since everyone loves to share their "worse case scenario" stories.
I went to my 36 week appointment today, and things are progressing really well. I am already 70% effaced and am almost dilated to a one. I guess that explains why I have been feeling a lot more pressure in my hips and tailbone lately. Plus, Jumper is head down, which is great news! The doctor said that at this point it is too soon to tell if I will make it to 40 weeks or end up going over, but I can only hope that things keep progressing as well as they have been.
It is kind of crazy to think that in *hopefully* less than a month, I am going to have two kids! Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine being in this situation a year ago. I know that life is going to be crazy busy, and it is definitely going to be interesting to care for a newborn while taking care of a 10 month old, but I know it will be worth it. I am just getting super excited to meet this little lady!
I went to my 36 week appointment today, and things are progressing really well. I am already 70% effaced and am almost dilated to a one. I guess that explains why I have been feeling a lot more pressure in my hips and tailbone lately. Plus, Jumper is head down, which is great news! The doctor said that at this point it is too soon to tell if I will make it to 40 weeks or end up going over, but I can only hope that things keep progressing as well as they have been.
It is kind of crazy to think that in *hopefully* less than a month, I am going to have two kids! Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine being in this situation a year ago. I know that life is going to be crazy busy, and it is definitely going to be interesting to care for a newborn while taking care of a 10 month old, but I know it will be worth it. I am just getting super excited to meet this little lady!
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Braxton Hicks?
I have started getting what I think are braxton hicks contractions. The first time I noticed anything was last week. There were a couple of times when I got this uterine-type spasm. They only lasted a couple of seconds and then were gone. Since then, they have increased in frequency and length, although they definitely aren't regular or even a daily occurrence yet. The best way I can describe them is that they feel like a prickly/painful spasm that lasts 15 seconds or so. Sometimes I can feel them in my lower back, but usually it is just more of a uterine thing. I go see my doctor for my 34 week check-up tomorrow, so I figured I would just ask her then.
It is crazy to think that I am already to this point! I know I have said this before, but time is going by super fast. Overall, I am still feeling pretty good, but I have noticed that there have been a few more days, especially in the evening, when I am just more tired and "feeling pregnant" in general. I haven't been sleeping quite as well lately and I have noticed that my feet have been swelling more, especially in the last week or so. I am not at the point of wanting Jumper out of me yet because I feel miserable, but I am getting ready and super excited to just meet her and hold her. I am trying to enjoy these last few weeks, both for the sake of enjoying the pregnancy and also the fact that things will get SO much crazier once she arrives. It is still hard to fathom that we are going to have two little ones that are so close in age.
As far as preparations go, I feel like things are under control. I still need to buy a double stroller and a breast pump, but I kind of want to wait to buy the pump until after she is born...just to make sure that I am going to actually be able to use it! Yesterday, my mom and cousin told me that they want to give me a little shower, so I don't feel quite as compelled to keep buying all of the cute little girl clothes and accessories. The nursery is pretty much set-up, so I promise I will post some pictures soon!
It is crazy to think that I am already to this point! I know I have said this before, but time is going by super fast. Overall, I am still feeling pretty good, but I have noticed that there have been a few more days, especially in the evening, when I am just more tired and "feeling pregnant" in general. I haven't been sleeping quite as well lately and I have noticed that my feet have been swelling more, especially in the last week or so. I am not at the point of wanting Jumper out of me yet because I feel miserable, but I am getting ready and super excited to just meet her and hold her. I am trying to enjoy these last few weeks, both for the sake of enjoying the pregnancy and also the fact that things will get SO much crazier once she arrives. It is still hard to fathom that we are going to have two little ones that are so close in age.
As far as preparations go, I feel like things are under control. I still need to buy a double stroller and a breast pump, but I kind of want to wait to buy the pump until after she is born...just to make sure that I am going to actually be able to use it! Yesterday, my mom and cousin told me that they want to give me a little shower, so I don't feel quite as compelled to keep buying all of the cute little girl clothes and accessories. The nursery is pretty much set-up, so I promise I will post some pictures soon!
Friday, July 8, 2011
Too Good to be True? and Thoughts on IF
Lately I have noticed that some of the old, familiar thoughts of "this has got to be too good to be true" have been creeping up on me. This pregnancy has been going very smoothly (not that I am complaining!), and I keep waiting for something to "happen". I went in for a routine appointment yesterday, and my OB said that everything is looking perfect. My weight gain is right where it should be, blood pressure is great, baby's growth is right on track, there is just nothing to be concerned about. I still feel like I have a decent amount of energy, I am sleeping well...I really have nothing to complain about right now. I guess it is the infertile mindset in me that is starting to doubt that this is all really happening to me and that there is bound to be something that comes along and screws it up.
I came to the conclusion a while ago that I will always consider myself part of the IF community and have at least some part of the IF mindset, so I am sure that is just manifesting itself now as I start to approach the end of my pregnancy. Also, on Sunday we had a BBQ with DH's family, and there was some discussion about how there are so many new grandchildren coming into the family - in addition to me, two of my SIL are expecting. My BIL made the comment of "wow, I guess we have a really fertile family". DH's stepmom then turned and said to me "Yeah, I bet everyone thinks you are really fertile now, so that is great". I didn't say anything back, but the comments really bothered me. I am proud of the unique way that my family has been created and the journey that it took to get here. Granted, IF has been painful and is not something I would necessarily choose to go through, but I also consider dealing with it to be a badge that I have earned and not something to be ashamed of. Maybe I wouldn't have said that a year ago, but I just don't want to minimize what I have been through, what I have learned, and how important my family is to me.
I came to the conclusion a while ago that I will always consider myself part of the IF community and have at least some part of the IF mindset, so I am sure that is just manifesting itself now as I start to approach the end of my pregnancy. Also, on Sunday we had a BBQ with DH's family, and there was some discussion about how there are so many new grandchildren coming into the family - in addition to me, two of my SIL are expecting. My BIL made the comment of "wow, I guess we have a really fertile family". DH's stepmom then turned and said to me "Yeah, I bet everyone thinks you are really fertile now, so that is great". I didn't say anything back, but the comments really bothered me. I am proud of the unique way that my family has been created and the journey that it took to get here. Granted, IF has been painful and is not something I would necessarily choose to go through, but I also consider dealing with it to be a badge that I have earned and not something to be ashamed of. Maybe I wouldn't have said that a year ago, but I just don't want to minimize what I have been through, what I have learned, and how important my family is to me.
Friday, June 24, 2011
30 Weeks!
Wow, I can't believe I have made it to 30 weeks...time is going by WAY too fast, and I feel like there has been so much going on and so much to get done. I am still feeling really good. I have noticed that I get tired a lot easier, but besides that, I feel great.
I went in for my biopsy yesterday, and things seemed to have gone well. I saw the same doctor that I did last week, and he confirmed that he thinks the tumor is benign. He said that he has seen cancer in girls my age before, but none of their tumors looked like mine, and that he has seen tumors like mine before, but none were cancerous. He said that it just has all the hallmark signs of being benign, so that is a relief. The biopsy itself was very easy and painless. It only lasted a couple of minutes and I think that the most painful part was having so much pressure put on my boob (to stop the bleeding) after it was over. I should hopefully get the results on Monday, so then I will know for sure what is going on in there.
The baby preparations are coming along, but it seems like there is still a lot to get done. We need to buy a closet organizer before I can really start putting the nursery together, but at least it is painted and we have a crib. I will post pictures once it gets a little closer to being done. I also still need to buy a car seat and a double stroller. We are planning on having Jumper use the car seat that J has been using, so I just need to buy him a bigger one. I have slowly been buying "girl" items, like clothing, bibs, etc, but there is still a lot to get. I have just been trying to spread it out so that I am not having to pay for it all at once.
I tried to sign up for childbirth class, but the classes are all full! My doctor warned me that they fill up quickly, so I guess it is my own fault. I would have really liked to have taken a class, but I feel like I have a pretty good idea of what to expect. I did a few rotations of labor/delivery when I was in school, plus we saw J's birth, so I know what happens...it is just a matter of it happening to me! I also think it would have been helpful for DH to go to the class, but I think he is a little relieved that he is off the hook.
J is doing so great and is getting SO big. I started taking him to swim lessons this month, and he has absolutely loved it. Granted he is far off from being able to really swim, but I can tell that he is learning things and he just does so well in the water. He has also started crawling and he is always pulling himself up to a standing position and trying to walk. I have a feeling that he will be walking, even if it is just around furniture, by the time Jumper is born. The crawling is already making him so mobile, so I can only imagine how it is going to be when I am trying to keep track of him and care for a new baby. It should make life interesting, but I know that I wouldn't want it any other way.
Oh...and one of the most exciting things is that we are finalizing J's adoption on Monday!!! I am so excited! It kind of seems strange in some ways because he just feels like he is my kid, so why have to go through this process? It will be so nice to have it all taken care of and for him to legally be mine!
I went in for my biopsy yesterday, and things seemed to have gone well. I saw the same doctor that I did last week, and he confirmed that he thinks the tumor is benign. He said that he has seen cancer in girls my age before, but none of their tumors looked like mine, and that he has seen tumors like mine before, but none were cancerous. He said that it just has all the hallmark signs of being benign, so that is a relief. The biopsy itself was very easy and painless. It only lasted a couple of minutes and I think that the most painful part was having so much pressure put on my boob (to stop the bleeding) after it was over. I should hopefully get the results on Monday, so then I will know for sure what is going on in there.
The baby preparations are coming along, but it seems like there is still a lot to get done. We need to buy a closet organizer before I can really start putting the nursery together, but at least it is painted and we have a crib. I will post pictures once it gets a little closer to being done. I also still need to buy a car seat and a double stroller. We are planning on having Jumper use the car seat that J has been using, so I just need to buy him a bigger one. I have slowly been buying "girl" items, like clothing, bibs, etc, but there is still a lot to get. I have just been trying to spread it out so that I am not having to pay for it all at once.
I tried to sign up for childbirth class, but the classes are all full! My doctor warned me that they fill up quickly, so I guess it is my own fault. I would have really liked to have taken a class, but I feel like I have a pretty good idea of what to expect. I did a few rotations of labor/delivery when I was in school, plus we saw J's birth, so I know what happens...it is just a matter of it happening to me! I also think it would have been helpful for DH to go to the class, but I think he is a little relieved that he is off the hook.
J is doing so great and is getting SO big. I started taking him to swim lessons this month, and he has absolutely loved it. Granted he is far off from being able to really swim, but I can tell that he is learning things and he just does so well in the water. He has also started crawling and he is always pulling himself up to a standing position and trying to walk. I have a feeling that he will be walking, even if it is just around furniture, by the time Jumper is born. The crawling is already making him so mobile, so I can only imagine how it is going to be when I am trying to keep track of him and care for a new baby. It should make life interesting, but I know that I wouldn't want it any other way.
Oh...and one of the most exciting things is that we are finalizing J's adoption on Monday!!! I am so excited! It kind of seems strange in some ways because he just feels like he is my kid, so why have to go through this process? It will be so nice to have it all taken care of and for him to legally be mine!
Friday, June 3, 2011
27 Weeks!
I can’t believe I have already made it to 27 weeks! That means I am officially leaving the second trimester behind and moving into the final stage! For the most part, I still feel like things are moving so quickly. It is crazy to think that at the end of the summer, I will have this sweet baby girl in my arms. It has been sinking in more and more that she really is coming, and I am getting so excited to meet her.
I have started making more and more progress in getting things ready. I still don’t think that DH has realized all that we need to do. He always falls back to the fact that we were able to get ready for J so quickly, but I have to keep reminding him that we had a ton of showers after J was born, and I just don’t feel like we can plan on having that happen again this time. It has been really fun for me to be able to plan everything and start buying little girl things. So far, I have bought another crib, bedding set, and have started buying her some clothes. I also bought fabric so that I can make her a quilt. Some times it seems like it is easy to prepare for her since we already have J, but other times it seems like there is so much to buy!
I go in for my glucose/diabetes screening next week. I am not too concerned, so hopefully everything goes well. The one thing I am concerned about is that I found a lump on my breast a couple of weeks ago. I showed it to DH and he was able to feel it pretty easily, too. It hasn’t gone away and is maybe a little tender, but only if I am touching it a lot. I read in my WTE book that sometimes women will get lumps because their milk glands get clogged, but it also said that these lumps are usually tender and the surrounding areas are red. I know that chances are it is related to the pregnancy and will not end up being anything to worry about, but it still concerns me. What if it IS something to worry about??? What if after all this time I finally get my precious kids, only to have something else happen?
It is also time for DH and I to sign up for a childbirth class! I don’t think that DH is really looking forward to this – he keeps saying that he has already been through a childbirth, but I keep telling him that it will be much different now that I am the one having the baby. I have been trying to decide between the regular childbirth class and one that has a heavier focus on breathing techniques for people that are going naturally. I haven’t decided yet what I want; I have a feeling I will end up getting an epidural, but there is a small part of me that is considering going natural. I know the classes are filling up pretty quickly, so I need to make some sort of decision soon. I am kind of leaning towards just the normal class, but we’ll see…
I have started making more and more progress in getting things ready. I still don’t think that DH has realized all that we need to do. He always falls back to the fact that we were able to get ready for J so quickly, but I have to keep reminding him that we had a ton of showers after J was born, and I just don’t feel like we can plan on having that happen again this time. It has been really fun for me to be able to plan everything and start buying little girl things. So far, I have bought another crib, bedding set, and have started buying her some clothes. I also bought fabric so that I can make her a quilt. Some times it seems like it is easy to prepare for her since we already have J, but other times it seems like there is so much to buy!
I go in for my glucose/diabetes screening next week. I am not too concerned, so hopefully everything goes well. The one thing I am concerned about is that I found a lump on my breast a couple of weeks ago. I showed it to DH and he was able to feel it pretty easily, too. It hasn’t gone away and is maybe a little tender, but only if I am touching it a lot. I read in my WTE book that sometimes women will get lumps because their milk glands get clogged, but it also said that these lumps are usually tender and the surrounding areas are red. I know that chances are it is related to the pregnancy and will not end up being anything to worry about, but it still concerns me. What if it IS something to worry about??? What if after all this time I finally get my precious kids, only to have something else happen?
It is also time for DH and I to sign up for a childbirth class! I don’t think that DH is really looking forward to this – he keeps saying that he has already been through a childbirth, but I keep telling him that it will be much different now that I am the one having the baby. I have been trying to decide between the regular childbirth class and one that has a heavier focus on breathing techniques for people that are going naturally. I haven’t decided yet what I want; I have a feeling I will end up getting an epidural, but there is a small part of me that is considering going natural. I know the classes are filling up pretty quickly, so I need to make some sort of decision soon. I am kind of leaning towards just the normal class, but we’ll see…
Monday, April 11, 2011
Feeling Overwhelmed
I have been debating over the past few days whether I wanted to write this post. I REALLY do not want to come across as being ungrateful, complaining, or selfish or anything like that, because that couldn't be further from the truth. I don't want to offend anyone by sharing my feelings, but at the same time, this is my blog, and I should be able to post what I want. With that said, please feel free to skip this post if you are having a hard time right now.
I have been feeling really overwhelmed for the past week or so. I feel like I need a break. I am sure that it is a combination of a lot of things...lack of a good night's sleep, pregnancy fatigue, all of the changes that are going on...it makes for a lot of stress! The thing is, I feel SO GUILTY about feeling overwhelmed, and that makes it even worse. All along, I have always said that I would be so grateful for the chance to be a mom or be pregnant, and that I wouldn't complain about it. It was like because it was something I wanted so badly for so long, I didn't have a right to complain. Now, I feel like it is hard for me to admit any fears or frustrations that I do have.
I love J so much, and I absolutely love and adore being his mom. I am so grateful that he was sent to our family. But I feel like I need a day off. I want a night when I can sleep through the night, sleep in, and then spend the entire day doing fun things that I want to do, while not worrying about if J needs me and knowing that someone else is taking good care of him. I love my days home with J, but man, it is hard work! I am sure that being pregnant doesn't make taking care of a baby any easier.
I am so excited to meet this new baby, but I am also terrified for what changes September is going to bring. I worry about adjusting from one baby to two, and how that is even going to work. I know that there are plenty of other people out there who do it everyday, but it still seems so overwhelming at times. I worry about how much time work will let me take off - I already took 9 weeks of FMLA when we adopted J. I also worry about being able to afford taking time off work. I used up all of my PTO and most of my sick time when I was home with J. I worry about childcare, especially if my sister decides that taking care of two babies is much more than she bargained for. I could always take the kids to the daycare at my work, but that is much more expensive than paying my sister. We are trying to save as much money as we can right now so that our savings will be a little more padded in the fall, but then that makes me feel guilty for spending money on myself for things that I need, like maternity clothes.
All of these worries and emotions just pile on together to where I feel like I just need a break. I need to take a deep breath and tell myself that things are going to be okay. I am trying to hard to enjoy this stage of my life, but it can be hard to just let go of all the worries. I know that part of it is also the weather. Maybe that sounds crazy, but I hate winter, and we have had so much snow lately! It has been to the point that I have looked for other jobs and houses across the country so that I can get away from these Utah winters.
I know that once I see that new baby and have both Jumper and J in my arms, it will all be worth it and that things WILL turn out...it is just getting there.
I have been feeling really overwhelmed for the past week or so. I feel like I need a break. I am sure that it is a combination of a lot of things...lack of a good night's sleep, pregnancy fatigue, all of the changes that are going on...it makes for a lot of stress! The thing is, I feel SO GUILTY about feeling overwhelmed, and that makes it even worse. All along, I have always said that I would be so grateful for the chance to be a mom or be pregnant, and that I wouldn't complain about it. It was like because it was something I wanted so badly for so long, I didn't have a right to complain. Now, I feel like it is hard for me to admit any fears or frustrations that I do have.
I love J so much, and I absolutely love and adore being his mom. I am so grateful that he was sent to our family. But I feel like I need a day off. I want a night when I can sleep through the night, sleep in, and then spend the entire day doing fun things that I want to do, while not worrying about if J needs me and knowing that someone else is taking good care of him. I love my days home with J, but man, it is hard work! I am sure that being pregnant doesn't make taking care of a baby any easier.
I am so excited to meet this new baby, but I am also terrified for what changes September is going to bring. I worry about adjusting from one baby to two, and how that is even going to work. I know that there are plenty of other people out there who do it everyday, but it still seems so overwhelming at times. I worry about how much time work will let me take off - I already took 9 weeks of FMLA when we adopted J. I also worry about being able to afford taking time off work. I used up all of my PTO and most of my sick time when I was home with J. I worry about childcare, especially if my sister decides that taking care of two babies is much more than she bargained for. I could always take the kids to the daycare at my work, but that is much more expensive than paying my sister. We are trying to save as much money as we can right now so that our savings will be a little more padded in the fall, but then that makes me feel guilty for spending money on myself for things that I need, like maternity clothes.
All of these worries and emotions just pile on together to where I feel like I just need a break. I need to take a deep breath and tell myself that things are going to be okay. I am trying to hard to enjoy this stage of my life, but it can be hard to just let go of all the worries. I know that part of it is also the weather. Maybe that sounds crazy, but I hate winter, and we have had so much snow lately! It has been to the point that I have looked for other jobs and houses across the country so that I can get away from these Utah winters.
I know that once I see that new baby and have both Jumper and J in my arms, it will all be worth it and that things WILL turn out...it is just getting there.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
We Have Movement!
I started feeling Jumper move last week, and it has been the coolest feeling! At first I wasn't quite sure what I was feeling, but the more I have felt it, the more confident I am. Sometimes the movement feels like a light tickling sensation, other times it feels more like light tapping. I love feeling Jumper because it reminds me that there really is a baby in there, and that baby is alive and growing! I am excited for when DH will be able to feel Jumper move...I am sure it will mean a lot to him.
I was thinking that it is getting to where I should post a belly shot, but sometimes I think I just look more fat than pregnant. My sister assures me that is not the case, but I guess I just feel really self conscious. I am really excited to look pregnant and not just like I have grown a gut. I think that part of the problem is that I am not quite fitting into maternity clothes, but am definitely outgrowing normal shirts. I feel like I have been in this in-between phase for a long time.
Besides that, things are pretty much the same with us. J is doing great. He loves his baby food and he is becoming so much more mobile. He has been rolling a lot more and is getting really good at moving himself around in his baby walker. I just can't believe how big he is getting!
I was thinking that it is getting to where I should post a belly shot, but sometimes I think I just look more fat than pregnant. My sister assures me that is not the case, but I guess I just feel really self conscious. I am really excited to look pregnant and not just like I have grown a gut. I think that part of the problem is that I am not quite fitting into maternity clothes, but am definitely outgrowing normal shirts. I feel like I have been in this in-between phase for a long time.
Besides that, things are pretty much the same with us. J is doing great. He loves his baby food and he is becoming so much more mobile. He has been rolling a lot more and is getting really good at moving himself around in his baby walker. I just can't believe how big he is getting!
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Random Thoughts
I feel like I haven't been the best blogger lately. I think it is probably a combination of not really having anything new to say, but also just being tired and not being online as much.
Things are still going well with the pregnancy. My biggest complaint right now is being tired, but that is definitely manageable. I can't believe that I am almost to 17 weeks! In some ways it seems like time has gone by slowly, but in others, I feel like it is going so fast! I know that September will be here before I know it. I don't think that it has completely kicked in yet that I am pregnant. I thought that it would once I started to get a belly or tell people, but it still seems surreal. Maybe once we find out what we are having or I feel the baby move regularly? Or once I really have to stop wearing my normal clothes? I am so grateful for this opportunity and I want to just soak it in and take advantage of it, but that is easier said than done when it doesn't even feel completely real. Maybe that sounds crazy, but that is my experience right now.
In other happenings, I am having a really hard time with one of my sisters right now. I have posted about her before...you can check them out here and here. Long story short, my sister (K) has a long history of being manipulative, lying, and stealing from my family. She has some mental health issues which are a huge contributor to these problems. She was engaged, but her fiance broke it off last week - most likely due to her lying and some other issues. Don't get me wrong, I am SO glad that she is not getting married; she just isn't ready at all, but I hate how my parents are responding. She has been able to manipulate the situation and take advantage of my parents. K's fiance had bought her a cell phone, car, and a puppy, and he took back all three once the wedding was off. I hate seeing how my parents (especially my mom) are willing to drop everything so that she has what she "needs", even though there are several very good reasons they had restricted those things before she even got engaged! I hate hearing how frustrated my siblings are that live at home because of what K puts them through. For example, my younger brother repeatedly asks me if he can move in with us, even if it means sleeping in our unfinished basement! Basically, I am just sick of seeing my family be taken advantage of because they can't tell K "no". I feel bad because I am the sibling that K gets along with best, but I am at the point of not even wanting to go to my family's house for fear that I will say something I will regret. I don't know what to do about the situation and I am not expecting anyone else to know either; I just needed a place to vent without having to worry about upsetting my family.
Things are still going well with the pregnancy. My biggest complaint right now is being tired, but that is definitely manageable. I can't believe that I am almost to 17 weeks! In some ways it seems like time has gone by slowly, but in others, I feel like it is going so fast! I know that September will be here before I know it. I don't think that it has completely kicked in yet that I am pregnant. I thought that it would once I started to get a belly or tell people, but it still seems surreal. Maybe once we find out what we are having or I feel the baby move regularly? Or once I really have to stop wearing my normal clothes? I am so grateful for this opportunity and I want to just soak it in and take advantage of it, but that is easier said than done when it doesn't even feel completely real. Maybe that sounds crazy, but that is my experience right now.
In other happenings, I am having a really hard time with one of my sisters right now. I have posted about her before...you can check them out here and here. Long story short, my sister (K) has a long history of being manipulative, lying, and stealing from my family. She has some mental health issues which are a huge contributor to these problems. She was engaged, but her fiance broke it off last week - most likely due to her lying and some other issues. Don't get me wrong, I am SO glad that she is not getting married; she just isn't ready at all, but I hate how my parents are responding. She has been able to manipulate the situation and take advantage of my parents. K's fiance had bought her a cell phone, car, and a puppy, and he took back all three once the wedding was off. I hate seeing how my parents (especially my mom) are willing to drop everything so that she has what she "needs", even though there are several very good reasons they had restricted those things before she even got engaged! I hate hearing how frustrated my siblings are that live at home because of what K puts them through. For example, my younger brother repeatedly asks me if he can move in with us, even if it means sleeping in our unfinished basement! Basically, I am just sick of seeing my family be taken advantage of because they can't tell K "no". I feel bad because I am the sibling that K gets along with best, but I am at the point of not even wanting to go to my family's house for fear that I will say something I will regret. I don't know what to do about the situation and I am not expecting anyone else to know either; I just needed a place to vent without having to worry about upsetting my family.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
4 Month Check-Up
I took J in for his 4 month check-up with the pediatrician yesterday, and everything went really well! He is still definitely tall and skinny. He is in the 75th percentile for his height, but only the 11th for his weight. The doctor said he isn't concerned about his weight because he has grown since his last check-up, but he did ask us if we knew anything about J's biological father. His thoughts right now is that J probably just inherited being tall and thin. We don't know anything about J's biological father. I have been thinking that I would ask K about it, but I get a little nervous since she hasn't shared anything at all about him with us. But I figured if I present it as the doctor wanting to know, it shouldn't be too bad.
Another good thing from the appointment is that the pediatrician said we could skip rice cereal and go straight to baby food. Apparently there are new guidelines from the American Academy of Pediatrics that discourage rice cereal because it has no nutritional value. I was so relieved since J has hated rice cereal, but has really liked baby food. Hopefully eating baby food more will help him gain some weight!
Besides that, not much is new with me. I have enjoyed having my news be public, but I have heard a lot of "that always happens when you adopt" or "and you thought you could never get pregnant" comments from people that I talk to. I have started just saying things like "That is what I hear" or "That's what people tell me" rather than going into all the details. I know they are just excited, but it still gets old and frustrating.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Just Not Ready
Now that we have had two u/s that show a healthy baby, DH is ready to start spreading the word. Problem is, I am not. He doesn’t understand my hesitation, and it is hard for me to explain it to him. He is looking at the situation logically, while I am looking at it emotionally. I know that if I had never gone through IF, I would be so ecstatic that I couldn’t wait to tell everyone our good news. After all, we have seen the heartbeat and the doctor said that everything is looking great and our risk has gone down significantly, so in his mind, why wait?
On Friday, DH told me that he has told his coworkers that we are expecting. I asked him why, and all he would say is that it started leaking out. I don’t know how it would start leaking out unless he was the one doing the leaking. Also, DH’s brother is living in Paraguay right now. My MIL must have e-mailed him with the news because in his e-mail to the family today, he said “I was so happy to hear the news about the new upcoming additions to the family! It’s going to be weird coming home to all these new kids in the family!”. This e-mail went out to all of DH’s extended family. They were aware that my SIL is pg, that my other SIL just had a m/c, so unless I am being overly sensitive, that points a big finger at me!
I know that I probably am just being overly sensitive about this, but I really just wanted to wait until the second trimester to really start saying anything. I feel so mush pressure from DH, my MIL, and my mom to start being more open, because they are all so confident that things are going to turn out. I keep joking that I am just going to start gaining weight and let everyone wonder what is going on, but part of me is serious about it. Maybe I just need to buck up, but I really am just not ready. I just wish that people IRL would understand that!
On Friday, DH told me that he has told his coworkers that we are expecting. I asked him why, and all he would say is that it started leaking out. I don’t know how it would start leaking out unless he was the one doing the leaking. Also, DH’s brother is living in Paraguay right now. My MIL must have e-mailed him with the news because in his e-mail to the family today, he said “I was so happy to hear the news about the new upcoming additions to the family! It’s going to be weird coming home to all these new kids in the family!”. This e-mail went out to all of DH’s extended family. They were aware that my SIL is pg, that my other SIL just had a m/c, so unless I am being overly sensitive, that points a big finger at me!
I know that I probably am just being overly sensitive about this, but I really just wanted to wait until the second trimester to really start saying anything. I feel so mush pressure from DH, my MIL, and my mom to start being more open, because they are all so confident that things are going to turn out. I keep joking that I am just going to start gaining weight and let everyone wonder what is going on, but part of me is serious about it. Maybe I just need to buck up, but I really am just not ready. I just wish that people IRL would understand that!
Friday, February 11, 2011
First Prenatal Appointment and Thoughts
I had my first OB appointment yesterday afternoon...things got off to a rocky start, but everything turned out okay.
I was SO nervous for the appointment. I kept imagining how things were last time I went in for a prenatal appointment and there was no heartbeat. What made things worse was that DH found out a couple days ago that he wouldn't be able to come with me after all. He had a meeting with his boss that he couldn't get out of, so I was so nervous that I would have to go through a worse-case scenario by myself.
I had scheduled the first appointment after lunch so that my doctor would hopefully be on time and I could get in and out pretty quickly. When I was going to check in, the receptionist told me that my doctor was delivering a baby, so they would still have me come back and get checked in. Once I was back in the office, the nurse told me that the doctor was actually delivering TWO babies and that I had a couple options: I could either reschedule, or I could wait...but the wait would be at least 60-90 minutes. I told the nurse that I was pretty nervous because of my history, so I would rather just wait and get the appointment over with. About this same time, DH called me and said that his meeting was over, so there was a chance that he might be able to get to my appointment after all.
The staff settled me in one of the exam rooms and I waited for almost two hours. Fortunately, I had brought a book with me, so I was able to keep entertained! :) DH was able to make it to the office, and about 15 minutes later, the doctor arrived. She started doing the u/s, and at first I was kind of nervous because she said "There is definitely something there, but right now it just is shadowing". WTF? After a few adjustments, she said that she could see the heartbeat! We were able to see our baby, and he/she was super active. I think the baby has a new nickname, because it was seriously jumping up and down like crazy. So, for the sake of this blog, I think I will call the baby Jumper. Jumper was measuring at 10w6d, which is perfect according to my dates, but a couple of days behind where the last u/s measured. I am assuming that this is pretty normal, though...there is bound to be a little discrepancy when two different people are measuring and they are using two different pieces of equipment, right?
The rest of the appointment was pretty uneventful. We went over my history and my doctor gave me a big hug before we left. So now, I have the u/s for my integrated screening next Thursday and then my next OB appointment is in 4 weeks.
It is crazy to think that I am at this point...it still seems so surreal. Our parents are getting anxious to be able to tell people, but I just am not ready yet. Maybe after next week's u/s, but I don't know. Part of me is afraid that as soon as we go public, something bad will happen. Part of me hesitates because I am not looking forward to all of the "I knew you would get pg after you adopted" comments. I know that people mean well when they say that, but that is NOT the reason we adopted J. I would not ever change having J in my family, and adoption does not cause pregnancy. I have already had a few unintentionally hurtful comments, and I know that is a very small price to pay for having this baby, but I am still not looking forward to the others that are bound to come my way.
I was SO nervous for the appointment. I kept imagining how things were last time I went in for a prenatal appointment and there was no heartbeat. What made things worse was that DH found out a couple days ago that he wouldn't be able to come with me after all. He had a meeting with his boss that he couldn't get out of, so I was so nervous that I would have to go through a worse-case scenario by myself.
I had scheduled the first appointment after lunch so that my doctor would hopefully be on time and I could get in and out pretty quickly. When I was going to check in, the receptionist told me that my doctor was delivering a baby, so they would still have me come back and get checked in. Once I was back in the office, the nurse told me that the doctor was actually delivering TWO babies and that I had a couple options: I could either reschedule, or I could wait...but the wait would be at least 60-90 minutes. I told the nurse that I was pretty nervous because of my history, so I would rather just wait and get the appointment over with. About this same time, DH called me and said that his meeting was over, so there was a chance that he might be able to get to my appointment after all.
The staff settled me in one of the exam rooms and I waited for almost two hours. Fortunately, I had brought a book with me, so I was able to keep entertained! :) DH was able to make it to the office, and about 15 minutes later, the doctor arrived. She started doing the u/s, and at first I was kind of nervous because she said "There is definitely something there, but right now it just is shadowing". WTF? After a few adjustments, she said that she could see the heartbeat! We were able to see our baby, and he/she was super active. I think the baby has a new nickname, because it was seriously jumping up and down like crazy. So, for the sake of this blog, I think I will call the baby Jumper. Jumper was measuring at 10w6d, which is perfect according to my dates, but a couple of days behind where the last u/s measured. I am assuming that this is pretty normal, though...there is bound to be a little discrepancy when two different people are measuring and they are using two different pieces of equipment, right?
The rest of the appointment was pretty uneventful. We went over my history and my doctor gave me a big hug before we left. So now, I have the u/s for my integrated screening next Thursday and then my next OB appointment is in 4 weeks.
It is crazy to think that I am at this point...it still seems so surreal. Our parents are getting anxious to be able to tell people, but I just am not ready yet. Maybe after next week's u/s, but I don't know. Part of me is afraid that as soon as we go public, something bad will happen. Part of me hesitates because I am not looking forward to all of the "I knew you would get pg after you adopted" comments. I know that people mean well when they say that, but that is NOT the reason we adopted J. I would not ever change having J in my family, and adoption does not cause pregnancy. I have already had a few unintentionally hurtful comments, and I know that is a very small price to pay for having this baby, but I am still not looking forward to the others that are bound to come my way.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Nerves
I have had a little case of the nerves lately...it isn't that anything is going wrong; it is the day that I am approaching. It was two years ago today that I found out that our baby did not have a heartbeat. I was 9w 4d, which is just a little further ahead than I am now. Based on the last u/s, I am 9w 1 d, or if you go by my LMP, I will be 9 weeks tomorrow. How ironic is it that my dates are so close, and at the same time of year?
I definitely feel like things are going better than they did two years ago. I have been feeling more sick and I have noticed that I am getting a little "fuller" in my lower abdomen. It isn't anything that anybody but me would notice, but I know that wasn't there last time. I just get nervous that history will repeat itself. Added to that is that I don't go see my OB until February 10, which seems like a lifetime away! My RE didn't want to schedule any other appointments with me because he wanted me to f/u with the genetic counselor. I contacted the counselor, but the response has been slow. She finally called me back last Friday at 4:30, but I missed the call. I called her back and have yet to hear anything from her. At this rate, I will have my normal OB appointment before I ever get to even meet with her!
I definitely feel like things are going better than they did two years ago. I have been feeling more sick and I have noticed that I am getting a little "fuller" in my lower abdomen. It isn't anything that anybody but me would notice, but I know that wasn't there last time. I just get nervous that history will repeat itself. Added to that is that I don't go see my OB until February 10, which seems like a lifetime away! My RE didn't want to schedule any other appointments with me because he wanted me to f/u with the genetic counselor. I contacted the counselor, but the response has been slow. She finally called me back last Friday at 4:30, but I missed the call. I called her back and have yet to hear anything from her. At this rate, I will have my normal OB appointment before I ever get to even meet with her!
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Doom and Gloom
Sorry, I know this is a bit of a "pity party" post, but I don't know why I have this feeling of doom and gloom today. I know that I should be so happy right now. I keep telling myself that I need to be positive, because who knows what will happen with my pg and our little bean. I guess I am just preparing myself for the worst case scenario. I know that it isn't wise for me to get my hopes up too high, because the odds aren't good for someone in my situation. I know that at this point, I can't control what happens; I just need to try and relax and enjoy the ride. But instead, I feel like crying.
It's not like I necessarily feel any different. And I don't think that my labs were really that bad. From the reading I have done online, your betas are supposed to double every 48-72 hours, so I figure mine have got to be okay. I just feel really sad and worried for some reason.
I think that a big part of it is fear. I am so afraid that things aren't going to work out. I absolutely love J so much, but now that I know about this baby, I want it to make it! I am afraid that it is going to be too emotionally hard and painful if I have another m/c. I have one SIL who is due with baby #2 in July, my SIL with the unplanned pg who is due right around the same time as me...plus, I just found out that my good friend is due with twins this summer. I am SO happy for her; she has been trying to have a baby for over a year, and all she has had to show for it up until now was an ectopic pregnancy. It just hurts to know that even though I am pg now, there is such a risk that I won't be for long and that my body can't do something that should be so naturally. I want to be able to be excited with my family and friends, and anticipate the baby that should be coming to our family. I don't want to have to sit and listen in hurt silence while my SILs talk about their growing bellies and anticipate their baby plans. Why is it that one person's joy becomes someone else's trial and sorrow?
I think that perhaps another small reason why I am feeling a little down is that we decided to cancel our Af.lac today. We have been paying on this for a couple years, with the hopes that I would get pg and would get "paid" to have a baby. Earlier this year, we decided that it wasn't worth the monthly expense and we would cancel our plan when open enrollment occurred at the end of the year. When I found out I was pg last week, we started debating again about whether we should keep the plan. We ended up deciding to cancel the plan because we figured that the risk of paying for another year of the plan and not getting anything in return was greater than the possibility of me having a baby. We decided that it would make more sense to just start paying ourselves and saving the money rather than paying Af.lac.
Anyway, I am sorry for such a gloomy post. Part of me wants to confide to one of my IRL friends about what is going on so that I have someone to talk to, especially if things don't work out. I just don't know who it would be. And what would I say? Guess what...I am pg, but I am so scared that it isn't going to work out, that I am becoming a paranoid, emotional psycho? I know that I just need to relax and let whatever happens happen. I am just scared. Scared to lose the baby, and scared to deal with the pain of seeing those who have not lost. Scared to return to that bitter person that I have finally been growing away from.
It's not like I necessarily feel any different. And I don't think that my labs were really that bad. From the reading I have done online, your betas are supposed to double every 48-72 hours, so I figure mine have got to be okay. I just feel really sad and worried for some reason.
I think that a big part of it is fear. I am so afraid that things aren't going to work out. I absolutely love J so much, but now that I know about this baby, I want it to make it! I am afraid that it is going to be too emotionally hard and painful if I have another m/c. I have one SIL who is due with baby #2 in July, my SIL with the unplanned pg who is due right around the same time as me...plus, I just found out that my good friend is due with twins this summer. I am SO happy for her; she has been trying to have a baby for over a year, and all she has had to show for it up until now was an ectopic pregnancy. It just hurts to know that even though I am pg now, there is such a risk that I won't be for long and that my body can't do something that should be so naturally. I want to be able to be excited with my family and friends, and anticipate the baby that should be coming to our family. I don't want to have to sit and listen in hurt silence while my SILs talk about their growing bellies and anticipate their baby plans. Why is it that one person's joy becomes someone else's trial and sorrow?
I think that perhaps another small reason why I am feeling a little down is that we decided to cancel our Af.lac today. We have been paying on this for a couple years, with the hopes that I would get pg and would get "paid" to have a baby. Earlier this year, we decided that it wasn't worth the monthly expense and we would cancel our plan when open enrollment occurred at the end of the year. When I found out I was pg last week, we started debating again about whether we should keep the plan. We ended up deciding to cancel the plan because we figured that the risk of paying for another year of the plan and not getting anything in return was greater than the possibility of me having a baby. We decided that it would make more sense to just start paying ourselves and saving the money rather than paying Af.lac.
Anyway, I am sorry for such a gloomy post. Part of me wants to confide to one of my IRL friends about what is going on so that I have someone to talk to, especially if things don't work out. I just don't know who it would be. And what would I say? Guess what...I am pg, but I am so scared that it isn't going to work out, that I am becoming a paranoid, emotional psycho? I know that I just need to relax and let whatever happens happen. I am just scared. Scared to lose the baby, and scared to deal with the pain of seeing those who have not lost. Scared to return to that bitter person that I have finally been growing away from.
