Monday, August 30, 2010

4 Years!

DH and I celebrated our anniversary this weekend, and I honestly can't believe that four years have already come and gone! It seems like just yesterday that we were just friends, hanging out with everyone else.

Our anniversary was a little low-key, but it was really nice that way. It made it easier to focus on each other and enjoy each other's company. On Saturday, we went out to eat at a restaurant called The Roof. It overlooks the place where we got married and offers a beautiful view of the city, which was nice and quite romantic. We had such a good time reminiscing about the past four years and sharing our hopes for the future. We both made comments about how even though our journey has been a little different than we thought it would be when we first were married, we are so grateful that we could share it with each other.

Our actual anniversary was on Sunday. Instead of going out on Sunday, I made a fancier dinner for us to enjoy at home. DH gave me a beautiful bouquet of roses and we exchanged gifts. It was pretty relaxing, but still nice. It was nice to not have any distractions and really just enjoy the time we had to spend with each other.

Although I didn't let myself dwell on it too much, this weekend also marked when we would have had a one year old child if it weren't for the m/c. HOWEVER, I have been doing so good at moving away from the what-ifs lately, and so it wasn't too hard. Of course I wonder how things would have been if we were celebrating a birthday, but it wasn't as painful as it could have been.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Our Visit with the Genetic Counselor

Our visit with the genetic counselor went really well today. She didn't really share any new information with me (thanks to my personal research), but it helped confirm what I had learned and I think it was helpful for DH.

The counselor said that we have three choices for having a biological pregnancy: continue trying on our own, do IVF, or do IVF with PGD. Our other choices for children are egg donation, embryo adoption, and traditional adoption.

She also explained more about how the chromosome insertion works and why it is so hard for us to have a healthy baby. She confirmed that couples in our situation probably conceive a baby many times without ever knowing it/getting a positive pregnancy test. We also learned that the chances of us getting a baby from IVF with PGD are about 40%. There is definitely a chance that we could do IVF and get ZERO embryos that survive. The good thing is that if we do manage to get KU, we can probably safely say that if we make it to the second trimester, we will *probably* make it to full term and have a healthy baby without any birth defects. I asked the counselor if there are ever any studies with IVF and PGD for people like me, and she said not really, but she would still check to see if there was anything out there that we would qualify for.

So, even though we didn't learn much, I am still glad that we went to this appointment. I think that it reaffirmed that we are both comfortable with our plan. Hopefully we will get a baby to adopt without too long of a wait, and if we get KU, then that would be great!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

It Feels Strange...

Now that we are approved with our adoption agency and are waiting to be chosen by a birth mom, I don't really feel like I have a lot to say. It seems like things with TTC have slowed WAY down. It is nice, but it is also really strange. It is strange to see EWCM and think that I am Oing, yet not stress about BD at the right time. It is strange to not be tracking by BBT or to not automatically know what CD I am on. Like I said, it is nice in some ways because there isn't that stress hanging over you and I find that I am not constantly over-analyzing every "symptom" that I may have, but it is still strange.

DH and I have started looking online and doing some window shopping for baby items. It feels weird to be talking about what crib to buy or which stroller is best when I am not pregnant. Sometimes I feel like an outsider when I am looking through the baby section, and I just have to remind myself that I have every right to be there, because one day (hopefully in the near future) I am going to need all of this stuff. My question is, if you went through/are going through adoption, how early on did you start buying baby stuff? Part of me wants to start getting things now, but I am nervous that maybe we won't need it for a while. What if we buy it, and then it takes years for us to get a baby? Or what if they come out with newer/better products? What if we don't buy anything, and then we get a call saying that we have a baby and we are unprepared? Any advice would be helpful!

Also, DH and I are FINALLY going to our appointment with the genetics counselor on Thursday. I have been waiting for this appointment ever since we got my chromosome test results in May. I am not thinking that this appointment will change any of our plans, but it will still be good to have the information and feel like we are moving forward with as much knowledge as possible. I will post about the appointment later this week.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

ICLW, Update, and Photos

Happy ICLW! I always look forward to this week every month. If you want to read my full story, click on the "Our Story" a nutshell, we just got our official approval for adoption a few weeks ago and are now waiting to be chosen by a birth mom. We are hoping the wait isn't too long, although I think that DH is worried that it will also come too fast!

Not much is new with us in the IF front. I had to redo the hard copies of our profile for our agency (I made them 12x12 and they apparently needed to be 8.5x11), so we can now be shown to birth parents that come into the office. I also decided to make a profile at since I had a voucher for two free months. Besides that, there really isn't much going on right now.

Last weekend, DH and I went up to Island Park, ID with his family for a mini-vacation. We all stayed in a cabin, road our 4-wheelers, and DH and I went up to Yellowstone. I thought that I would post some of my favorite pictures from the trip:

Scenery in Island Park

DH during a 4-wheeling break

More Island Park Scenery...we found this during one of our rides

DH and me in Yellowstone

Old Faithful

Waiting to see Old Faithful

While we were out riding, we found this old fenced in area - it looked like an abandoned cattle pen. When we got closer, we found a sign saying that it had been a train station in 1906-1907 to take people to Yellowstone. This picture was taken in front of the old ticket booth.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Welcome to my World

This past weekend, DH and I headed up to Island Park, ID with his family (his mom, step-dad, brother, SIL, and grandparents). Naturally, we expected to receive a few questions about our adoption progress. But then it started to seem like EVERY question was related to our adoption plans...How soon will you get a baby? Do you want a boy or a girl? What race are you willing to adopt? What if you are placed with a baby that isn't a newborn? What if you get a baby in two weeks? A lot of the questions were repeated, because one family member would ask, and then someone else who wasn't there would ask again.

We were handling the questions okay until we got into a lengthy discussion about adoption and breastfeeding. I had briefly mentioned something about it to my SIL, and she happened to have a nutrition book that she was reading that had some information in it. Eventually, the entire family got into a huge debate about whether we should try and breastfeed. My BIL and SIL were definitely in favor (they have a baby that they just weaned from breastfeeding), and soon almost everyone was saying that we should try and do it. DH started to get really upset because he felt like everyone was trying to be the "expert" and tell us what we should do. He hated that everyone kept asking us questions and bringing up the adoption, when some of their questions were personal. I didn't feel like it was that big of a deal, until I realized that this is what it is like going through IF.

I explained to DH that this is what it feels like to live with IF. Everyone seems to know what is best for you and has a suggestion on what will/will not work. You get the same questions over and over, and nobody minds their own business. DH asked me why I don't just tell people to "Effe off and mind their own business", but I told him that wouldn't help anything. People are just trying to be nice, even if it comes out wrong.

Fortunately, DH cooled off and we were able to enjoy the rest of our weekend. I think that it was a little eye opening for him to see a part of IF that he hadn't really experienced before.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Paper Pregnant!

I just got the call from the caseworker - and we have OFFICIALLY BEEN APPROVED! She said that our profile will go online this afternoon. I am so excited and also feel a huge sense of relief! It is nice to be at this point and to just be waiting. We are headed out of town with family for a long weekend, and I am looking forward to relaxing and not worrying about paperwork.

The only crappy thing is that I found out that I have to redo the hard copies of our profile. We were told to make two scrapbook pages and to put our birth parent letter on two pages, for a total of four pages. Then, we needed to have five copies total. So, I spent HOURS making our pages and spent more money than I was planning on for scrapbook supplies. Come to find out that the pages were supposed to be 8.5x11 and ours are 12x12. I need to pick those up from the agency and make new ones, but that will wait until next week.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Updated Birth Parent Letter

After getting some feedback from our caseworker, we decided to make some changes to our birth parent letter. Here is the finished product:


Thank you so much for taking a minute to get to know our family better. We realize that the challenges you are facing while making decisions about the future for you and your sweet baby must be very difficult, and we admire the courage that you have. Even though we haven’t met you yet, we talk of you often and are excited to meet you. Hopefully this letter will give you a glimpse of our family.

We met while attending the same single’s ward in 2005. We quickly became best friends, although M wished that things would move beyond just friendship. Many of our friends joke about how M would try and persuade L to date him, and she would find ways to get out of it. L eventually came around, and we began to date in 2006. We became a family of two when we were married August 29, 2006. Although we have had a lot of fun together over the past few years, we are looking forward to becoming a family of three. The good thing about being best friends before we dated is that we were able to see each other in so many different situations without the stresses that a relationship can bring. We were able to truly get to know each other, and we attribute this to how strong our marriage is now.

We like to have a lot of fun! Some of our favorite activities include boating, riding 4-wheelers, camping, traveling, watching movies, and spending time with family and friends. We also both love music (M plays the drums and L plays the piano) and we love to go to concerts together. Once, we even had the opportunity to attend the CMT Music Award Show in Nashville! During the week, we typically spend our evenings at home, and then on the weekend, we will go on a date, go out to dinner, or get together with friends for food, fun, and a lot of laughter.

We both come from large families that play important parts in our lives. M has two brothers and one sister; L has three sisters and one brother; and we both have large extended families. We enjoy spending time with our families…some of the things we do together include playing games, date nights, camping, and travel. Earlier this year, we took a vacation to Charleston, South Carolina and Nashville, Tennessee with both sides of our family. We also have monthly family dinners with each side of our families and will often get together with them for summer barbeques, to celebrate birthdays, or just to hang out.

More about M, as told by L:
M is the oldest of four children. He was born and raised in Utah. Growing up, M enjoyed playing the drums, and has played in several local bands, including one that had a song on the radio. M also has a passion for mustangs and racing cars. Before we got married, he rebuilt a Mustang and turned it into a racecar. One of M’s current interests is riding his 4-wheelers and his favorite place to go riding is the Sand Dunes. Before M’s brother left on his mission, they loved to take 4-wheeling trips together. Now that he is gone, M has been patiently trying to teach me to ride so that I can be his riding buddy. M works as a manager at a credit union.

I can honestly say that M is my best friend. Even though it frustrated him at the time, I am so grateful that we were able to become such good friends before we started dating and got married. One thing about M that impressed me before we started dating was how kind he is to his family. I remember him being so concerned about his family members and being willing to put them as a priority when they were struggling. I realized that this quality would make M both a good husband and father. I know that I can count on M to help me with anything that I need, and I know that he will show this same love to our future children.

M also has a great sense of humor and is definitely a tease. Before we got married, M’s family used to say how lucky he was to find someone that could put up with his teasing, and I always wondered what they were talking about…now I know! Whether he is laughing about something that happened at work or teasing me about something at home, M is able to bring such a fun atmosphere into our home and I love that I can count on him to keep me on my toes.

More about L, as told by M:
I love my dear L. You will find that L is very kind hearted and willing to do anything to help someone make their life a little bit better. Her genuine heart pays great dividends to those around her. L was shy the first time I met her. As time went by, we became great friends and spent most days of the week doing fun things. L always made hanging out fun as she would have creative activities. L planned a fun camping activity up by Snowbird Ski Resort with a bunch of friends that was one of the most memorable times we had as friends. When I was seriously pursuing L, we also went as a group of friends to Disneyland. As we were getting on “It’s a small world”, one of my guy friends ended up sitting next to her on the little boat which made me very jealous. I had to fight with everything I had to win L’s heart.

They often say that finding the perfect person to marry is impossible. To me, L is the impossible and is perfect to me in every way. I often tease her about how smart she is. When she got her master’s degree, it seemed more like a hobby than school work. She loved every bit of it and we joked that she would need to go on to get her PhD.

L is the oldest of five children. She was born in Southern California and moved to Utah when she was three. L learned to play the piano when she was younger, and still enjoys playing today. L also loves to cook, make crafts, read, and travel. Some of her goals include composing piano music and visiting every continent (except Antarctica, she hates the cold). L works as a nurse; she chose nursing because she knew it would be flexible when she became a mom.

L has great respect from all her family members. They will ask for her advice to help with life’s everyday challenges. Lisa is a role model to her younger siblings and inspires them to become better people.

Another important member of our family is our dog, Faline. She is a miniature pinscher and she has been part of our family since November 2006. We named our dog Faline after one of the characters in the movie “Bambi” because she reminds us of a small deer. She can be a little sassy at times, but she is also very loving and loyal. She is great at giving us “loves” (her way of giving a hug). She loves to spend time with us, our family and friends, and go for jogs with L. We often joke that Faline has been an “only child” for too long and that she is overdue to be a big sister.

Thanks for taking the time to get to know us; we would love to get to know you! We realize that you are faced with some difficult decisions, but please know that we are thinking of you and truly admire your courage. If you would like to get to know us better, please feel free to check out our blog: or e-mail us at.

M, L, and Faline

Monday, August 2, 2010

Breaking Up

Have you ever realized that you needed to end a relationship, but there was a part of you that didn’t want to? Maybe it was with a boyfriend who you had been with for a long time, and even though you knew things were over and it was time to move on, you didn’t want to leave the comfort of familiar relationship. I have decided that is how things are with my relationship with infertility. It is time to cut the ties and move forward. I know it will be hard now, but it will mean that there are better things to come in the future. This is my break-up letter with infertility.

Dear Infertility,

You and I have been together for quite some time, but it is time for us to move our separate ways. Although I have learned a lot from you, you are hazardous to my emotional well being. I can’t keep waiting for you to change. You are holding me back, and it is time for me to start moving forward again.

You have given me so many empty promises. You strung me along, month to month – each time making me believe that maybe “this could be the month”, but you never came through. Instead, you broke my heart each time, but made me believe that things could change in the future. I can’t be involved with something that is so unreliable and so inconsiderate. I can’t keep being strung along, when I know that you will never change. You aren’t good for me anymore.

I know that it will be hard to leave you. There will be days when I miss the structure of testing and charting and the brief hope that I get when I wonder if there is a new life inside of me. I will grieve over what I have lost and the unfulfilled hopes and dreams that I carry with me. There will be times when I will wonder if I made the right decision to move forward with my life, and if I had stuck around, if you would have changed and things would have been different. But, I need to do this for me. I can’t keep waiting. I know that like any break-up, this will be hard, but things will get easier. In time, I will look back at this part of my life and be grateful for what I learned. I believe that someday in the future, I will be so grateful that I had the courage to move on, because I believe that there are better things in store for me.

I know that we have many mutual friends and acquaintances, so I expect that we will run into each other, and that is okay. Be kind to my friends – they don’t deserve the same treatment that you have given me. All I ask is that you try to respect where I am at in my life and the decision that I have made to move forward. Please don’t try and convince me to come back, because coming back is not what is best for me.


Sunday, August 1, 2010

FSA Conference

On Friday and Saturday, DH and I went to the Families Supporting Adoption (FSA) Conference. We had to go to it in order to get our education requirements for our adoption approval. The conference had a ton of different classes that were targeted towards different groups that are affected by adoption (i.e. birth moms and their families, adoptive couples, etc).

The conference was good, but it was SO overwhelming. There was so much information that was presented in the classes, to the point that it started giving me some anxiety. I think that it just made me realize that this is really happening and that I could be a mom - soon. It made me think more about than just the "fun" parts of being a mom and the excitement about having a baby. It also brought out a lot of feelings that I had suppressed or thought that maybe I had moved passed. I honestly started to feel so anxious...I started questioning our decision, then I even started questioning whether we are ready to be parents. Crazy, right? I think it just made me realize that something I have been wanting for so long could actually happen.

One of my favorite classes was one where there were there was a panel of birth moms and they talked about what they wished their adoptive couples knew. It was interesting to learn more about birth moms and it helped me see them in a better light. It also made me start looking forward to developing a relationship with one, although I think that it surprised DH because he didn't realize how involved they might be.

So, the long and short of the conference is that even though it honestly freaked me out, I think it was still good. I think that it brought up some emotions that I should probably deal with. Also, even though I am feeling a little freaked out, I still feel like this is the right thing for us. I think that once things get moving (i.e. we get a match and eventually a baby) it will help some of my anxiety resolve.