My Lady Lump

I went in for my regular check-up yesterday, and Jumper seems to still be doing great. Everything seems to be right on track. My OB started talking with me about my plans for delivery and when to come to the hospital if I experience any changes. It is crazy to think that we are getting to that point...12 weeks is not that far away!

At the end of the appointment, I told my doctor about the lump I found. She did a thorough exam and agreed that there is definitely a lump there. She congratulated me on finding it because she said it is somewhat deep in the tissue. She does not think that it is related to my pregnancy, but is most likely benign due to my not showing any other symptoms/changes or having a family history of cancer. She gave me an order to go get a breast u/s done and said that they will tell me right after the u/s if I need to have it biopsied. I was able to get my u/s scheduled and am going in on Wednesday afternoon.

I am really relieved that my doctor listened to me and is taking the lump seriously, but to be honest, I am also really freaking out. I have been doing a lot of online reading, which helps in some ways, but makes it worse in others. I read that 70-80% of lumps found during pregnancy are not cancerous, but that still means that 20-30% are! My mind instantly jumps to worst-case scenario and I start thinking about what being diagnosed with cancer would mean for the rest of my pregnancy. Would I have to deliver early in order to start treatment? How would that affect Jumper? Then I start to think about how cruel it would be for me to finally get my family, only to have me taken away from them. I can't stand the thought of not being there for these kids, and just the thought of it makes me start crying. It hurts so much to think that there is even a slight possibility that maybe I wouldn't be there to see them grow up, that they wouldn't remember me, and that there could be some other woman in my place. I know I am getting way ahead of myself and I need to just wait and see what they find on Wednesday, but it is so hard not to worry.

I have also debated whether I should tell my mom what is going on. Right now, DH is the only other person who knows about the lump, and I have been putting on a brave face for him. I hesitate to talk to my mom because she has been under so much stress as it is, and I hate to add one more thing. My sister is still giving her grief and stressing out the family, plus my mom's parents aren't doing well. They live out of state, so my mom has been considering planning an emergency trip to go see them and help make sure their affairs are in order. I am sure that my mom would want to know what is going on, but part of me wants to wait until at least after Wednesday so that she doesn't have to deal with the added stress.

Just Not Ready

Now that we have had two u/s that show a healthy baby, DH is ready to start spreading the word. Problem is, I am not. He doesn’t understand my hesitation, and it is hard for me to explain it to him. He is looking at the situation logically, while I am looking at it emotionally. I know that if I had never gone through IF, I would be so ecstatic that I couldn’t wait to tell everyone our good news. After all, we have seen the heartbeat and the doctor said that everything is looking great and our risk has gone down significantly, so in his mind, why wait?

On Friday, DH told me that he has told his coworkers that we are expecting. I asked him why, and all he would say is that it started leaking out. I don’t know how it would start leaking out unless he was the one doing the leaking. Also, DH’s brother is living in Paraguay right now. My MIL must have e-mailed him with the news because in his e-mail to the family today, he said “I was so happy to hear the news about the new upcoming additions to the family! It’s going to be weird coming home to all these new kids in the family!”. This e-mail went out to all of DH’s extended family. They were aware that my SIL is pg, that my other SIL just had a m/c, so unless I am being overly sensitive, that points a big finger at me!

I know that I probably am just being overly sensitive about this, but I really just wanted to wait until the second trimester to really start saying anything. I feel so mush pressure from DH, my MIL, and my mom to start being more open, because they are all so confident that things are going to turn out. I keep joking that I am just going to start gaining weight and let everyone wonder what is going on, but part of me is serious about it. Maybe I just need to buck up, but I really am just not ready. I just wish that people IRL would understand that!

Doom and Gloom

Sorry, I know this is a bit of a "pity party" post, but I don't know why I have this feeling of doom and gloom today. I know that I should be so happy right now. I keep telling myself that I need to be positive, because who knows what will happen with my pg and our little bean. I guess I am just preparing myself for the worst case scenario. I know that it isn't wise for me to get my hopes up too high, because the odds aren't good for someone in my situation. I know that at this point, I can't control what happens; I just need to try and relax and enjoy the ride. But instead, I feel like crying.

It's not like I necessarily feel any different. And I don't think that my labs were really that bad. From the reading I have done online, your betas are supposed to double every 48-72 hours, so I figure mine have got to be okay. I just feel really sad and worried for some reason.

I think that a big part of it is fear. I am so afraid that things aren't going to work out. I absolutely love J so much, but now that I know about this baby, I want it to make it! I am afraid that it is going to be too emotionally hard and painful if I have another m/c. I have one SIL who is due with baby #2 in July, my SIL with the unplanned pg who is due right around the same time as me...plus, I just found out that my good friend is due with twins this summer. I am SO happy for her; she has been trying to have a baby for over a year, and all she has had to show for it up until now was an ectopic pregnancy. It just hurts to know that even though I am pg now, there is such a risk that I won't be for long and that my body can't do something that should be so naturally. I want to be able to be excited with my family and friends, and anticipate the baby that should be coming to our family. I don't want to have to sit and listen in hurt silence while my SILs talk about their growing bellies and anticipate their baby plans. Why is it that one person's joy becomes someone else's trial and sorrow?

I think that perhaps another small reason why I am feeling a little down is that we decided to cancel our Af.lac today. We have been paying on this for a couple years, with the hopes that I would get pg and would get "paid" to have a baby. Earlier this year, we decided that it wasn't worth the monthly expense and we would cancel our plan when open enrollment occurred at the end of the year. When I found out I was pg last week, we started debating again about whether we should keep the plan. We ended up deciding to cancel the plan because we figured that the risk of paying for another year of the plan and not getting anything in return was greater than the possibility of me having a baby. We decided that it would make more sense to just start paying ourselves and saving the money rather than paying Af.lac.

Anyway, I am sorry for such a gloomy post. Part of me wants to confide to one of my IRL friends about what is going on so that I have someone to talk to, especially if things don't work out. I just don't know who it would be. And what would I say? Guess what...I am pg, but I am so scared that it isn't going to work out, that I am becoming a paranoid, emotional psycho? I know that I just need to relax and let whatever happens happen. I am just scared. Scared to lose the baby, and scared to deal with the pain of seeing those who have not lost. Scared to return to that bitter person that I have finally been growing away from.

Game Plan

I heard back from the RE's office yesterday morning and he ordered a Bhcg for yesterday and another one for tomorrow. The sent me an e-mail this morning saying that yesterday's labs looked great and my number was 767. So, I will go back tomorrow afternoon in the hopes that they have doubled since Monday.

Assuming that nothing changes between now and then, I will go in for a viability scan just after six weeks. I know that is only a couple weeks away, but it seems like such a long time to wait!

TMI alert: I know this is normal to experience, but I have this clear discharge and it always freaks me out because I am afraid that I am spotting. A trip to the bathroom reveals that I am just being paranoid. I also almost always feel like I need to pee, even if I just barely went, and it almost makes me feel like I have cramps. I know that I just need to relax and enjoy this for however long it lasts, but it is so hard not to be nervous. This probably sounds a little crazy, but I am GRATEFUL for the pg symptoms that I have been feeling, because it is a good reminder that there is a baby growing inside me. I haven't had any symptoms that have been too awful: my boobs are definitely tender, plus the frequent urination that I mentioned, and some transient nausea and fatigue.

Hopefully I can get some good news tomorrow that will help me relax a little bit more!