Thursday, September 30, 2010
Someone comes and tells me that my baby has been born. In my dream, I had a baby by using a surrogate with my eggs and my BIL's sperm. The surrogate was my SIL. This is very strange to me because I don't have a problem carrying a baby, I just have bad eggs. Plus, DH's sperm are great, and if we did ever use a donor/surrogate, I really doubt it would be a family member, especially not my BIL and SIL. So anyway, I will go to the area where the baby is and want to see her (it is always a girl), but am told that I have to wait outside because my BIL and SIL are bonding with the baby and everyone else in the family gets to see her first. As family members leave the room, they tell me how beautiful and precious my baby is. I start getting frustrated that I am the last one to see MY baby, and then finally they bring her out to me. Once I finally get to hold her, my heart just melts. She is a beautiful baby, but there is a bit of sadness that we used a surrogate and donor sperm. As I am holding her, she starts to get hungry, so I ask for a bottle. When she doesn't immediately take to it, my SIL makes a snarky comment about how at least she can breastfeed. Next thing I know, the baby is taken away from me so that she can be breastfed, and I am left with empty arms, wondering why I don't get to be with my own baby. Then I wake up.
Isn't that the weirdest dream? What is so strange to me is that I have had it on more than one occasion, and it is always so vivid. I can remember the specific people that are in it, the feelings, everything.
Also - an update with my sister. I was planning on writing her a nice e-mail, but I just haven't been able to do it yet. I keep seeing the things she posts and hearing about the things she is saying to my family members. At this point, I don't want to say anything nice to her. I want to make her see that she is bringing this on herself, but I know there is not a way to do that right now. She went and saw her therapist yesterday, and apparently she is going to start taking her meds again, so we'll see. At this point, I feel like I just need to keep my distance before I say anything I might regret.
Monday, September 27, 2010
"I have decided since you all are against me- and you know you are or else you would not treat me like "crap" to put it VERY lightly; that you all are NOT invited to my wedding, and I want nothing to do with any of you once I am married, because if you really did care about me like how you care for each other (except for me- your freakin sister) then i wouldnt hate you all and wish you were all were never born- like how i know you all wish i was never born because lets face it according to the your "perfect" world i am the "Black sheep" in the family. you are all no longer considered my family UNTIL you can start treating me like i am part of it. For example- the day of my graduation dinner you all ignored me, that is not ok. you all got pissy with me, but when we were at b's freakin graduation dinner everyone was swarming her with attention. you see i feel like i have had to raise myself growing up, and you all have found stupid ways to get my into trouble. honestly i wish i could tell you how i really feel about you, but if i did you all would surely tell your parents about what i said and then i would be homeless, dont ever talk to me again! until like i stated above you can start treating me like part of the family, which knowing all of you wont ever happen, i hope you are happy with what you have done."
To be honest, this letter isn't too upsetting to me. I haven't responded to her yet and I really don't have any plans to right now. What upsets me the most is that she and her bf/fiance are posting things like this on their fb walls. I hate seeing my family thrown under the bus, but I don't know what to say/do. I am worried that anything I say or write will end up causing more problems.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
It was so nice to get away...honestly, it was just what I needed! We spent some time at the pool, went to the movies, ate tons of good food, played games, and spent an evening down in Vegas. It was such a carefree time...until...family drama.
DH and I both had family drama issues crop up on our sides of the family. Without going into too many details, I got a fb message from my sister that was sent to my other siblings and me. She basically said that she was disowning us because she thinks that we consider her to be the black sheep of the family. Her boyfriend/fiance also posted some pretty bad things about my family on fb, which were all untrue. I don't know what to do with my sister. She is bipolar, and she apparently hasn't been taking her meds, so it isn't like she is just purposefully trying to be this way. It is so hard to see my family hurt by how she acts, especially when I know it isn't really her.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
"I enjoy these words of Jenkins Lloyd Jones...
"'Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he's been robbed.
"'Most putts don't drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise.
"'Life is like an old-time rail journey - delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed.
"'The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride."<>
...Gordon B. Hinckley
Monday, September 20, 2010
I have been really trying to keep a better attitude the past few days and not allow myself to become so negative. Yesterday was the first test since I had to go to church, and I will say that I noticed a difference. It wasn't that I talked to anyone new or made a new friend or anything like that, but I just didn't feel so down and frustrated like I normally do after church.
Also, we haven't had any more e-mails from our adoption profiles, and I never heard back from either of the girls who e-mailed us before. It was fun and exciting to get two e-mails within a week of each other, so it kind of sucks now to not have anything. Oh well, at least I know our profile is being seen, right?
Thursday, September 16, 2010
I have been feeling like a downer lately. I think it started a few weeks ago when DH and I decided it wasn't in our budget for me to go to Boston with my sister next month. I understand the reasoning behind it, and I think that it makes sense for us to try to be saving more than we are spending right now. But, I just feel so trapped and burned out. I feel burned out from IF, but also just from life in general.
I think that for so long I had focused on IF, and now that we are trying to adopt and it isn't completely consuming my life right now, I just feel drained and exhausted. Granted, I am still tired of feeling like I am not in control of IF/adoption/life in general, but I just feel tired in general. I think that this has made me have much less tolerance for other things in life. I am tired of not being able to plan things more than a few months in advance. I am bored with work. I am tired of not fitting in at family functions. I don't feel like I am growing and progressing in life. And, as much as I hate to even admit this, I am burned out with church.
Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy my job. I work with great people, my job is super flexible, and I have been there long enough (7+ years!) to have earned some seniority. I feel like I have a really good job for a 27 year old. The problem is, I am bored with my job – it just doesn't stimulate me anymore and I don't feel like I am growing and learning. There have been a few times I have thought about finding a new job, but the problem is that it just doesn't make sense for me to do that. I have sick time, vacation days, and FMLA saved up in case I ever have the privilege of taking maternity leave. My boss has already told me that I can reduce my hours to whatever I want them to be once we have a baby. It doesn't make sense to walk away from that. What if I leave, we get a baby, and then I can't take any time off? Or, what if I stay, and I don't get a baby for a really long time? I know that what I should do is just talk to my boss and ask for an extra project or something to keep me busy. Deep down, I really don't want to leave. I just need a change.
As for church – it isn't an option in my mind for me to change wards (congregations) or just stop going. I know that it would make me feel guilty and I would end up feeling worse. Here is the situation: in my church, most of the adult members have something called "callings". It is basically an assignment that church members are given to do various jobs within the church. Everything is done on a volunteer basis – none of our clergy is paid. For example, we have Sunday school teachers, teachers for the children's classes, teachers that work with the youth, others that help maintain church records, some who do secretary work, etc. My calling right now is to play the piano during Primary (which is where the children meet together). Our church meets together for three hours every week. One hour is called Sacrament Meeting and everyone in the ward meets together. During the other two hours, everyone breaks out into groups based on age. I spend the last two hours of church in Primary. DH and I have been going to our ward for three years, and I have been serving in primary for two years, ten months. Because of this, I feel like I haven't been able to develop any friendships with the people in my ward. I know some of the adults because I have worked with their children, but it isn't anything more than an acquaintance. I used to love going to church, but now I just feel lonely. I don't have friends to talk to; all I see is families and babies and pg women. I would love to make friends in the ward, but it just isn't happening. I don't have the excuse of being new in the ward, so it is just awkward. I know that this is a lot of explanation for something like this, but if you aren't LDS, I think that it can be hard to understand.
I have tried telling DH how I feel burned out and trapped and all of these other feelings, but he just doesn't understand. He will listen to me, and then say something like "Well, you are just going to be even more tied down once we have a baby". True, but it will be different. Like I said, I think that a big reason that I feel this way is because I am so worn out from IF. Even though adoption won't take away IF, it will at least allow me to experience motherhood. He tries to understand, but he just doesn't quite get it.
I started reading "Eat Pray Love" a few weeks ago and I have really been trying to glean some personal insights from it. I am at the part where she is in India, and there was a part that I read last night that really resonated with me. It says:
"There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under my jurisdiction. There are certain lottery tickets I can buy, thereby increasing my odds of finding contentment. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I eat and read and study. I can choose how I'm going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life – whether I will see them as curses or opportunities (and on the occasions when I can't rise to the most optimistic viewpoint, because I'm feeling two damn sorry for myself, I can choose to keep trying to change my outlook). I can choose my words and the tone of voice I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts".
So this is what I will focus on. I can decide how I spend my time, what I think, what I put in my mouth, how I treat my husband/family/friends. Even though it sometimes seems like there is so much that I can't control, I can focus on the many things that I do have a say over. I know that it will be hard and there will definitely be days when I fail miserable, but I can keep trying.
If you are still reading this, thanks for listening to me vent. J
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
DH gave be Photoshop for my birthday, so I am so excited to try it out! I have been wanting it for a while, so it should be fun to play with. Not that I am that great of a photographer...but hopefully this will make it look like I have more talent! :)
I decided that I want to set some goals for myself this year. I realize that most people set their goals at the beginning of the calendar year, but I want to set mine at my birthday. The reason why is that for the past few years, I have always thought "By my next birthday, I will be a mom or at least be pg". And then the next birthday comes along, I am not a mom, and I feel like I failed and am disappointed that I am not where I wanted to be in life. So, I decided to set some goals that I can at least have some control over and accomplish. I have chosen three goals for myself, and they are:
- Run the Utah Ragnar - This is a 188 mile relay run from Logan, UT to Park City, UT. Each team has twelve members and each runner runs three legs of the race, and each leg ranges from 3 - 8 miles. I am already signed up with a team, so I just need to keep training so that I can keep up and not hold my team back.
- Get back to my "wedding day" size - hopefully training for the Ragnar will help with this.
- Learn a new language - I have tried learning Spanish a few times, so I want to stick with it enough to actually learn it this time.
Now, even if I am not pg or don't have a baby by the time I turn 28, I will at least be able to look back at the past year and remember the things that I worked to accomplish.Yesterday I was soaking in the tub and it finally hit me that we have had another loss, and that we have probably had so many others that we didn't even know about it. Even though I have suspected it before, it was like it kind of sunk in. I kind of broke down and got really frustrated and angry. Why do my babies never get a chance at life? Why don't we get a chance to be parents? I believe that we are given trials for a reason, and obviously this is the trial that is teaching me the most, but it is so hard. So much of my church, community, and extended family focuses on having children and families, and I just feel like a failure sometimes. I know (or at least am hoping) that one day in the future, I will be able to look back on this time in my life and say that the pain was all worth it, because it taught me so much and I have my children. I know that I am not the only person going through trials, and that some people definitely have harder trials than what I am facing, but sometimes it just seems so hard. It is hard to see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and sometimes I feel like I am so far in, that it is hard to remember what the light at the beginning of the tunnel even looked like.
Friday, September 10, 2010
I am counting this as a chemical pregnancy. At least I know that DH and I are doing everything right, so that hopefully if there is ever a good egg that comes along, we can hopefully take advantage and catch it. It is kind of validating to know that yes, I have had pregnancies besides my first m/c, even though my normal OB seemed pretty doubtful.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Monday, September 6, 2010
DH and I spent our Labor Day weekend camping with his extended family (as in like 40 or so people). I wasn't really too excited to go camping, but DH really wanted to go. I don't mind hanging out with his family, but I just wasn't looking forward to spending my weekend camping.
Anyway, I tried to go with a good attitude, but maybe it is a bad omen when the first thing that is said to you when you get out of the car is "I don't know if C told you, but I am 14 weeks pg". This was said to us by the wife of DH's cousin who was living with us until they got married this past March. I am guessing that this is a surprise pregnancy, because she told us "When you don't have sex until you get married, you end up having sex a lot after". Too bad it isn't that easy for everyone!
Because of this pg announcement, I was the only wife there who wasn't pg or didn't already have kids. It seemed like every conversation with the girls my age revolved around kids or being pg. I honestly felt like I didn't belong/fit in because I had nothing to contribute to the conversation. It wasn't anything that DH's family did wrong, but it was a constant reminder to me that I have failed at getting KU. Several people asked me about our adoption proceedings and it was nice to have them so genuinely interested, but at the same time, it would have been nice to be able to talk with people about things besides the adoption. I mean, there is more to me than that, right?
I kind of had a little breakdown last night in our tent, but lucky for me, I have become a pro at hiding my feelings when I am having a hard time. It sucks that this is the one thing I have learned to succeed at, but I didn't want to ruin DH's weekend. I did tell him a little bit about how I felt like I didn't fit in anywhere because of IF and not having kids, and he just made a joke of it by saying "Well, you seem to fit in with L". L is DH's six year old cousin.
So, I wouldn't say that I had a bad time camping, but it wasn't as fun as I was hoping for. I have always had such fun times with DH's family...I hate having to worry now that maybe I will feel out of place. Hopefully I was just having a rough day and I will be able to feel differently next time.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Here is a copy of her e-mail:
I found your profile on itsaboutlove and was very intrigued by you and your words. This is truly a difficult situation but I know that this is the best choice for my baby and myself. I have read your profile and looked at your blog and I feel I have gotten to know you a little better. I am curious as to why you have chosen adoption and would like to know a little more about the process you have been through and how it has affected/changed your lives. Sincerely, M
DH and I are planning on writing back to her today. I am so excited and nervous! I know that I can't count on her to pick us or that things could really progress this fast, but it is nice to know that people are viewing our profile and that we do look appealing to someone! :) I will keep you posted and wish me luck!!!