Checking In

Well, I kind of feel like I have fallen off the face of the earth. I have been super busy keeping up with these cute kiddos:

I'm not sure if anyone reads my blog anymore, but I wanted to do a quick check-in. I apologize in advance that this is going to be a bit choppy, but bear with me.

Honestly, the days are just flying by. Add to it that I have been trying to work a little bit from home while on maternity leave (since I used up all my FMLA when J was born), and by the time I have any spare time, all I want to do is sleep. But, I wouldn't change a minute of it. I am so in LOVE with these little kids.

J is almost one and A is already seven weeks old...where has the time gone? I have started planning a little family birthday party for J, and I am super excited. I am planning a Mickey Mouse themed party, since he loves to watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse in the morning and he gets a huge smile on his face whenever he sees Mickey.

I will be going back to work pretty soon, and even though it is just a few days a week, I am still not looking forward to it. I have really enjoyed the time I have had with them.

It is looking like I have a fertile sister, and of course it would be the one who is only 20 and in a super unstable marriage - they are always talking about leaving each other. Apparently she wasn't taking any BCP because she was afraid that they would make her infertile, but her husband didn't know that. When he found out she was KU, he wanted her to get an abortion, but at least she has refused to do so. She is only 6 or 7 weeks along, so it is super early, but still...out of all the people to get pg, it would be her, who can hardly even take care of herself! It is just frustrating.

So, as evidenced by my lack of posting, it seems like my blogging time has been drastically cut. I really don't want to stop hearing about what is going on with everyone and lose touch with all of my blogging buddies. However, I kind of feel like I don't totally fit in with this community as much. Even though I will always be infertile, I don't know that I will blog as much about it for a while since DH and I will not be TTC for at least two or three years. So, I would like to invite anyone that still reads this and is interested to come follow me over on our family blog: mikeandlisafamily.blogspot.com. I hope that if I am only focusing on one blog, it will be easier to keep it updated and stay current on what is going on with everyone. I don't plan to leave this blog completely, but at the same time, I don't know how often I will post on it. All I ask is that if you do choose to visit my family blog, that you don't mention this one, since I haven't shared it with my IRL friends and family.

I hope that everyone is doing well, and hopefully I will be able to catch up with you soon!

Where Has the Time Gone?

Wow, I can't believe that it has already been over two weeks since my sweet little A joined our family. Time as gone by so quickly!

Things are going really well. It has helped A LOT that DH was able to take four weeks off of work, plus my sister lives with us. It has been nice to have so many extra helping hands. I think the hardest part has been finding a good routine that meets both kids needs. There have been a few times when both J and A have been crying/needing something, and it is hard to make one of them "wait", even if it isn't a long wait. Although J seems so grown up now, he is still a baby himself and is trying to adjust to all these changes and not getting all the attention.

That said, DH will be going back to work a week from Monday, so that will be when the true test comes. My sister will still be here of course, but she has school a few days a week, including my first day on my own. I am not too nervous...most days A will eat and go back to sleep before J wakes up, and mornings seem to be the busiest part of the day. But, we will see.

Overall I am feeling pretty good. I have been able to start wearing some pre-pregnancy jeans, although they definitely accentuate my muffin top. I am starting to feel a little bit anxious to be able to start exercising again. I love to run, especially this time of year, so hopefully I will still have some nice running weather once I get the all clear to start again.

Besides that, not too much is new with me. I am just enjoying being able to be home with my family. I feel bad that I haven't been able to keep up with reading everybody's blogs. It seems like there is always something else going on and blogging always ends up on the back burner. I am hoping that I will have some spare time to get caught up on what is going on with everyone soon.

Almost There!

Well, I feel like things are going better than they were last week. It is crazy to look over at my ticker and see that it says there are only three days left!

My appointment last week went well. The doctor said that I was 80% effaced and dilated to a 1+, so that is a little bit of improvement from before. She also stripped my membranes, in the hopes that would help move things along. She encouraged me to do a lot of walking and of course, have s.ex, which is the last thing on my mind. :) At least something I am doing has been paying off, because I lost my mucous plug on Friday. It is really good to know that things are progressing and my body is getting ready.

Part of me just wishes that I would go into labor, but part of me still feels like this has gone by so quickly and that I need to cherish every last minute. I hope that I will have the opportunity to experience pregnancy again in the future, but I know that I can't count on it.

Going forward, I have another appointment this Friday, which is my actual due date. Last week, my doctor told me that they typically won't do an induction until the baby is a week overdue, so hopefully that means no later than a week from this Friday. I have been joking with my family that Jumper is going to wait to be born until then so that she can join our family's September birthday party - between me and two sisters, there are three birthdays within four days (September 10, 12, and 13).

In other news, I just received a really sad phone call while I was typing this post. I got a phone call from K's (J's birthmom) mom, who said she wanted to let me know that K has relapsed on drugs and that she wanted to warn us so that we could take adequate steps to protect our family. We talked for a while, and it broke my heart to hear about the choices that K has made. I have been thinking about her so much lately, and perhaps this is why. Her mom did say several times that she has so much peace knowing that J is with us and part of our family, and it scares her to think about where he would be if K hadn't placed him for adoption. I love J so much, and it is horrible to think of what type of environment he could be living in or what kind of life he could have. I also still have such a love for K for the decision that she made to place J with us...I wish there was something I could do, but I don't think there is anything other than praying for her. At her mom's recommendation, I think that DH and I will likely stop e-mailing K and making a few other changes just to be on the safe side, but we need to talk about it some more.

35 Weeks 6 Day

Wow, I can't believe I am already so close to 36 weeks! I still feel like time is going by really quickly, but I will admit that I am getting more ready for this little girl to make her appearance. I haven't been too nervous about her birth until just recently. Before, I always figured that it wasn't going to be a big deal because I already know what it is like to have a new baby, plus I still remember my OB rotations during school. Then, it hit me...this is going to be a lot different this time. This time, it is ME giving birth...this time, I will hopefully be breastfeeding, and that is a whole different ballgame compared to formula feeding. Needless to say, I am starting to feel a bit more nervous, especially since everyone loves to share their "worse case scenario" stories.

I went to my 36 week appointment today, and things are progressing really well. I am already 70% effaced and am almost dilated to a one. I guess that explains why I have been feeling a lot more pressure in my hips and tailbone lately. Plus, Jumper is head down, which is great news! The doctor said that at this point it is too soon to tell if I will make it to 40 weeks or end up going over, but I can only hope that things keep progressing as well as they have been.

It is kind of crazy to think that in *hopefully* less than a month, I am going to have two kids! Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine being in this situation a year ago. I know that life is going to be crazy busy, and it is definitely going to be interesting to care for a newborn while taking care of a 10 month old, but I know it will be worth it. I am just getting super excited to meet this little lady!

30 Weeks!

Wow, I can't believe I have made it to 30 weeks...time is going by WAY too fast, and I feel like there has been so much going on and so much to get done. I am still feeling really good. I have noticed that I get tired a lot easier, but besides that, I feel great.

I went in for my biopsy yesterday, and things seemed to have gone well. I saw the same doctor that I did last week, and he confirmed that he thinks the tumor is benign. He said that he has seen cancer in girls my age before, but none of their tumors looked like mine, and that he has seen tumors like mine before, but none were cancerous. He said that it just has all the hallmark signs of being benign, so that is a relief. The biopsy itself was very easy and painless. It only lasted a couple of minutes and I think that the most painful part was having so much pressure put on my boob (to stop the bleeding) after it was over. I should hopefully get the results on Monday, so then I will know for sure what is going on in there.

The baby preparations are coming along, but it seems like there is still a lot to get done. We need to buy a closet organizer before I can really start putting the nursery together, but at least it is painted and we have a crib. I will post pictures once it gets a little closer to being done. I also still need to buy a car seat and a double stroller. We are planning on having Jumper use the car seat that J has been using, so I just need to buy him a bigger one. I have slowly been buying "girl" items, like clothing, bibs, etc, but there is still a lot to get. I have just been trying to spread it out so that I am not having to pay for it all at once.

I tried to sign up for childbirth class, but the classes are all full! My doctor warned me that they fill up quickly, so I guess it is my own fault. I would have really liked to have taken a class, but I feel like I have a pretty good idea of what to expect. I did a few rotations of labor/delivery when I was in school, plus we saw J's birth, so I know what happens...it is just a matter of it happening to me! I also think it would have been helpful for DH to go to the class, but I think he is a little relieved that he is off the hook.

J is doing so great and is getting SO big. I started taking him to swim lessons this month, and he has absolutely loved it. Granted he is far off from being able to really swim, but I can tell that he is learning things and he just does so well in the water. He has also started crawling and he is always pulling himself up to a standing position and trying to walk. I have a feeling that he will be walking, even if it is just around furniture, by the time Jumper is born. The crawling is already making him so mobile, so I can only imagine how it is going to be when I am trying to keep track of him and care for a new baby. It should make life interesting, but I know that I wouldn't want it any other way.

Oh...and one of the most exciting things is that we are finalizing J's adoption on Monday!!! I am so excited! It kind of seems strange in some ways because he just feels like he is my kid, so why have to go through this process? It will be so nice to have it all taken care of and for him to legally be mine!

Benign!

I feel like it has been forever since I have had a chance to blog lately, but I am so excited to report that it looks like my tumor is benign!

I was a little nervous about going to my u/s on Wednesday, but I also had a really peaceful feeling that everything was going to be okay. I had to hold back a few tears, but I kept going back to that peaceful feeling. The tech told me that she would do the u/s and then have the radiologist look at it. After he had a chance to look at it, he would come in and talk to me. I could definitely recognize the tumor as soon as it came up on the screen...it looked like a big black hole. The whole u/s only lasted a couple minutes, and then the tech left to go get the doctor.

Waiting for the doctor seemed to take forever! The tech eventually came back in and said that he had been caught up with another patient, which was why it was taking so long. As soon as the doctor did come in, I could tell that he had good news. He said that he could definitely tell that it was benign because of how smooth the edges looked. He did another quick u/s just to look at it again, and then said he is very confident that the tumor is one of two kinds: either a fibroadenoma or another type (I can't remember the name) that is common during pregnancy. Assuming it is one of these kinds, they are perfectly harmless and I don't need to have it removed. The doctor said there is a slight chance it could be another type of benign lump that has the potential to grow and become cancerous, so if that is the case, it will need to be removed. He recommended I have a biopsy done just to make sure we know what type it is, so I am going in on Thursday to have that done.

I called my mom after I left the appointment and told her what was going on and also to see if she could babysit J while I have my biopsy. She said that apparently my aunt and grandma both had benign lumps in their breasts, so maybe this just runs in the family?

It is such a relief to know what is going on and to know that things are going to be okay. Even if I do end up having to have the tumor removed, at least I know the odds are VERY good that it isn't cancerous and won't pose a problem to my health. I am so grateful that things are going to be okay and that I should be able to look forward to many more fun times and years with my family!!!

Six Month Check-Up

I took J in for his six month check-up yesterday, and he continues to do great! He is still tall and thin. He weighs 15 lbs 9 oz (13th percentile) and is 27.5" long (80th percentile). We have been joking at our house lately that he is training for the NBA because he loves to watch basketball, is so tall, and is always doing this abdominal workout...this kid has some seriously strong stomach muscles!

The pediatrician also cleared J to eat pretty much everything besides honey and whole milk, as long as he can handle the texture. That is great news for us because J absolutely loves to eat and will start trying to grab whatever you are eating away from you. Even if he just sees you put a mint in your mouth, he will start to fuss for it!

The only bad part from the appointment is that I have to take him to see a specialist at the children's hospital because he has a flat head. This is something that we had already noticed and been watching, but the pediatrician said that at this point we need to get it looked at. Depending on what the plastic surgeon says, J may have to wear a helmet for a while! Kind of sad, but I know it is all worth it if it prevents him from having a poorly shaped head when he gets older.

I can't believe how big J is getting and that he is already six months old. He sits up so well and is able to scoot around a little bit, although he doesn't do that too consistently yet. The doctor said that he will probably start crawling and pulling himself up soon, which just seems so crazy. I love watching him grow and learn and it is so fun to see his little personality emerge. I love that he recognizes me and gets excited when he sees me when I have been away for a little while. He is such a sweetheart, and I feel so fortunate to be his mom!

Catching Up!

This post is going to be a bit random...lots of quick updates and thoughts.

First, I finally took a belly pic! I took it on Saturday, so it is me at 23w1d. It was kind of crazy for me to see the picture. Maybe that sounds weird, but sometimes I don't picture myself as being "that pregnant". Like maybe it hasn't sunk in still? Anyway, it is nice to see tangible proof that there really is a baby growing in there!



Mother's Day was amazing and definitely surreal. I had a lot of different thoughts and emotions that day. I feel like I had so much to be thankful for. I am so thankful to have J in my life and the opportunity I have to be his mom. I am also so thankful for Jumper and I can't wait to get to know her and be her mom. I also thought a lot about the past few Mothers Days. As I was sitting in church listening to the speakers talking about motherhood, I remembered all the pain and bitterness that I had felt before...everything that I thought had been buried was brought to the surface again. I almost started to get choked up remembering how hard it was and to feel like such an outsider. I think it made me really appreciate the day and my kids even more. I would like to hope that the pain of infertility will never allow me to take them and being a mom for granted. Sometimes it still doesn't seem real, but I am so thankful every day that it is!

I had my follow-up ultrasound today. This was the one that was scheduled because they weren't able to get all the measurements they needed of Jumper's head last time. This morning, I started to have a little bit of anxiety that something would be wrong...what if Jumper hadn't grown? What if there was no heartbeat? I suppose that the anxiety never goes away completely until the baby is born and is safely in your arms. Anyway, everything looked perfect during the ultrasound! Her growth is right on track and she weighs 1 lb, 5 oz. After the ultrasound, I decided to play a little joke on DH since he couldn't come with me. When I talked to him on the phone, I told DH that during the u/s they found out that Jumper was really a baby boy...not a girl! He totally bought it...he was silent on the other end of the line and then said that he was disappointed. I finally fessed up, but I thought it was a good joke!

I go for my routine appointment on Thursday, so it will be great to check in with Jumper twice this week!

As for the nursery, I ended up buying some bedding that is pink and brown. It is the same brand as J's crib set, so even though it doesn't really match, there are a few things that are similar. I figured that I will use chocolate as the mutual color, but besides that, I probably won't have a theme. I plan on printing some pictures of both kids to frame and hang on the walls, and finding a few other things to decorate. I will be sure to post pictures once I make more progress.

Normal!

I got a letter in the mail yesterday stating that my integrated screening came back NORMAL!!! What a relief! Even though I wasn't super concerned that there would be any problems, there was still part of me that worried, especially because of my chromosome insertion. It is so good to know that Jumper is healthy!

We have our big anatomy u/s on April 12...I can't wait to see Jumper again in a few weeks!

Also - thanks for the comments from my post about my sister. I just really needed to vent to someone outside of the situation. It was a huge help to me to get those frustrations off of my chest. I still am frustrated with her behavior, but at least I feel like I could deal with it better now.

Ultrasound and Dinner

I had the ultrasound for my integrated screening done on Thursday, and everything looked great! It was so great to see Jumper again. He/she seemed to be so much bigger in just the past week. We were able to get some really good profile pictures and also one where you could see Jumper's fingers. It really helped to make things seem more real and I am starting to realize more and more that this is actually happening and there is a baby growing inside of me.

I am starting to feel more comfortable with sharing the news...at least slowly. This has been a blessing for my mom and MIL because they have been bursting at the seams waiting to share. They admitted to me that they had shared it already with a few people, so I have learned that I better not share any news with them until I am ready for it to go public. I know that I am not ready to make the news official on FB or our family blog, but I don't know that I will purposefully hide it as much. There is some comfort in the fact that my mom and I have the same condition, and she never had a m/c this late. Hopefully this means that my risk is back to a normal level and things will keep progressing well.

Last night, DH, J, and I met up with K (J's birthmom) and her fiance for dinner. It was good to see her, catch up, and get to know her fiance. The dinner went really well. DH and I weren't too nervous to meet, but part of me did wonder if there would be any awkwardness. The conversation seemed to flow really well. It wasn't like we stayed and talked for a long time after dinner was over, but we still had things to talk about. K held J, and afterword, she said that she did not feel a connection to him like he was her son. Even though she still loves him, I think that seeing J with us helped cement in her mind that she made the right decision. That was a relief for me...I was a little nervous that seeing J might make things harder on K, but from what I could tell, it seemed to help. I am not sure how if/when K will want to see J again, but we told her that we are open to another meeting and would let K make that decision. K also brought gifts for us, which kind of took us by surprise, since we didn't bring anything for her. She gave J a "Curious George" book and stuffed animal, and then she gave DH and me life history journals and wrote us each really nice notes. We plan to give K a gift for mother's day, and I am sure we will at least send her a card or small gift when she gets married.

Anyway, that is all for now. I am looking forward to enjoying my long weekend with DH and J tomorrow...should be nice!

Update on Baby J

I can't believe how big J is getting! He is such a fun and sweet little guy...I am so grateful to be his mom! We moved J into his own room on Saturday. Up until then, he had been sleeping in our room in a bassinet. We decided that all three of us would sleep better if he moved into his own crib in his own room, and so far he has done great! I love waking up in the morning to hear him cooing over the baby monitor.

DH and I took J in for his scheduled well-baby appointment this afternoon. We were a little nervous about how he would do, since this is the appointment where they get a bunch of vaccinations. Our little guy did great! He currently weighs 11 lbs, 15 oz (34 percentile), is 24.25" long (77 percentile), and has a head circumference of 40.5cm (44 percentile). So basically, we have a long and lean little boy! When it was time for his vaccinations, they gave him one oral medication and three shots. He started crying with the shots, but he seriously stopped as soon as I picked him up. The nurse was surprised at how mellow he was...what kid does that? He was back to normal by the time we left the office. I am so grateful to have such a happy baby, but it does make me nervous that the next one will be a terror! :)

We Saw the Heartbeat!

Today's appointment went perfect! I was SO nervous - I had pretty much convinced myself that things weren't going to work out. And then the more I dwelled on it, the more I kept imagining that I was cramping and having less pregnancy symptoms. So when I was waiting at the office, I was so nervous I seriously thought that I was going to be sick. I grabbed some kleenex while we were waiting for the doctor to come in and just prepared for getting bad news.

Once the doctor started the ultrasound, he could immediately see the baby. He showed us the heartbeat and it was so amazing to see it flickering on the screen and then to hear it beating. He said that the ultrasound looked perfect! The baby is measuring at 6 weeks, 6 days, which is a little ahead of what I thought I was at. It was seriously the most amazing thing to see. The only other time that I was far along enough to have an ultrasound, we only had bad news - I thought I was ten weeks, but the baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks, 3 days.

Our doctor recommended that we get back in touch with the genetic counselor again. She will review some testing options to see if there is any additional tests we want to do to make sure there are no birth defects. Even though they think that the problem with my chromosomes would lead to miscarriage over a birth defect, we are still at an increased risk.

I feel SO relieved that everything went okay. I know that we aren't out of the woods yet, but it feels good to be this far. DH really wants to tell our families, and I guess I am okay with it. We have told a few close friends, and we told my sister that is living with us. I guess at this point, we would want them to know if things changed and we had a miscarriage, so maybe we might as well tell them now? We'll see...

Quick Update

First, thank you so much to everyone for your encouraging words. It helps a lot to remember that I am not alone and that there are others who are experiencing the same emotions as me!

Things are going well. The doctor's office contacted me yesterday to say that they think my numbers look great, and I scheduled an ultrasound for next Tuesday...so hopefully in one week, we will get to see a heartbeat! This morning, my doctor called me to say that he has been reviewing my chart and was excited to hear that I am pregnant. He said that if we see a heartbeat next week, that should hopefully be a good sign that the baby is growing and won't be affected by the chromosome insertion, although he can't say for certain. It meant a lot to me that my doctor would call me himself.

This past weekend was very nice and relaxing. We headed down to St. George to spend some time with family for the new year weekend. My FIL and his wife were there, and they absolutely doted over J. The weekend was very mellow and low-key, but I think it was just what I needed to take my mind off of things. Although I don't feel totally confident that things are going to work out, I definitely feel less paranoid.

Game Plan

I heard back from the RE's office yesterday morning and he ordered a Bhcg for yesterday and another one for tomorrow. The sent me an e-mail this morning saying that yesterday's labs looked great and my number was 767. So, I will go back tomorrow afternoon in the hopes that they have doubled since Monday.

Assuming that nothing changes between now and then, I will go in for a viability scan just after six weeks. I know that is only a couple weeks away, but it seems like such a long time to wait!

TMI alert: I know this is normal to experience, but I have this clear discharge and it always freaks me out because I am afraid that I am spotting. A trip to the bathroom reveals that I am just being paranoid. I also almost always feel like I need to pee, even if I just barely went, and it almost makes me feel like I have cramps. I know that I just need to relax and enjoy this for however long it lasts, but it is so hard not to be nervous. This probably sounds a little crazy, but I am GRATEFUL for the pg symptoms that I have been feeling, because it is a good reminder that there is a baby growing inside me. I haven't had any symptoms that have been too awful: my boobs are definitely tender, plus the frequent urination that I mentioned, and some transient nausea and fatigue.

Hopefully I can get some good news tomorrow that will help me relax a little bit more!

Catching Up!

It seems like it has been FOREVER since I last updated my blog, let alone read anybody else's. Also, I want to apologize to anyone who comes across this and is feeling a little delicate and doesn't want to read about babies.

J is getting so big! He is already a month old...the time has gone by so fast! J has been such a good and happy baby, and I have honestly fallen in love with him. He loves to smile! He is starting to coo, he can roll over from his side to his back, and he is starting to sleep longer at night. I love taking him out to run errands and having people comment on how cute MY baby is.

I will admit that there are things that have been different/harder than I expected. At first, I thought that I would have tons of time to get things done...my house would be perfectly clean, gourmet dinners would be ready when DH came home...so NOT the case! There never seems to be enough hours in the day, and sometimes I wish that I could clone myself! I can't complain, though!

Here are a few pictures that I have taken of J within the past few weeks:

J is a University of Utah fan, and he was so excited when they won the rivalry game!

We went with my mom and sister to this quaint shopping area that was decorated with elves

I took this picture this morning...you can see how smiley he is!

Two Weeks

Things are going well! DH went back to work yesterday, so this has been my first few days home alone with J. Overall, it hasn't been too crazy; we are just trying to get into a good routine that will still allow me to get stuff done at home and get a little sleep! :)

I took J to his two week appointment yesterday, and he is already up to 8 lbs 6 oz. He is still 20.5" long, but the doctor said that is normal. J is becoming so much more alert, and it is fun to interact and play with him.

One of the things that I have been struggling with lately is finding a good balance between talking about J and being excited about being a mom compared with being sensitive to friends who have IF. I have one friend in particular, C, who this is especially difficult. C is very private, but a few months ago, she slowly started confiding in me more and more about how she and her husband have been trying to get pg for about a year and a half. The thing is though, C hasn't gone to the doctor to try and figure out what is going on, and I get the impression that she is not in a hurry to make an appointment. Before we found out about J, it was becoming easier for her to talk about IF with me. Now, it is uncomfortable to be around her. I have hung out with her twice, and both times she hardly talks. All she does is play games on her phone and look miserable. Other people have noticed this, so I know it is not just me. After the first time, I sent her a text saying that I know it is hard to be around baby stuff and I appreciated her friendship and support. She responded that this has been harder than she thought it would be, but she was happy for me. I want to be supportive of her because I DO know how hard it can be, but at the same time, I get frustrated because I don't think that she is doing anything to fix her situation. I also struggle with wanting to post things on fb or my family blog, but then I remember how bad it sucks to be on the other end and always have baby things flashed in your face. I suppose I am just trying to find a good balance so that I am not hurting anyone, while still enjoying J and being a mom.

Life is Good!

Wow, it has been a REALLY long time since I have blogged. I feel bad that I am so out of the loop with what is going on with everyone...hopefully I will have a chance to start catching up soon.

Things are going really well with our new little family. I think that it is finally starting to sink in that I am a mom. Sometimes it doesn't seem real, but there are other times when I definitely feel it, and it is amazing! I will admit that this has been a gradual process. So many people told me that I would feel this instant connection the first time I held J. I guess I did, but not to the level that I was expecting. I would say that the bond has been growing slowly, and I feel it more each day. Like I said, I feel like motherhood is still sinking in, so I am guessing that is part of it.

We have been getting into a good routine, and J is done with the lights. Both of these things are a huge blessing, because it means that I get to interact with him more and he is sleeping better at night. It also seems like J has grown so much already...he goes in for his first 2 week appointment on Monday, so I guess I will find out exactly how much then.

Also, thank you so much to everyone for the support that you have given me, especially over the past few weeks. It has meant SO much to me. I am hoping that I can soon start to get updated on what is going on with everyone else, and I can start returning the favor.

Nothing Yet

We are still waiting for our little guy to arrive. I am hoping that our BM will be induced tomorrow after her appointment, but we'll see. It is crazy to think that this will *hopefully* be our last child-free weekend. On Friday, DH and I went out for a little date night (dinner at one of our favorite Mexican restaurants, and then went to see "Social Network". I feel like we are as ready as we will ever be!

I am so excited for this to happen, but I will admit that there are times when I get a little freaked out. It isn't that I am freaked out to be a mom, it is more being nervous that I could get hurt. I think that when you have been dealing with IF, you learn to put up walls so that you can protect yourself. For example, a BFP doesn't automatically equal happiness: even though you are happy and excited, you are terrified about losing the baby. That is how I feel now. I am so excited to be a mom, for DH to be a dad, and for us to continue on this journey together. But, there is one part of me that says "Remember how IF screwed you over?? What makes you think that this will be any different? If you don't get excited, it won't hurt as bad if it doesn't work out". So, even though our BM seems to be pretty committed to this adoption, there is a small part of me that is holding back. I just don't want to get hurt again. Hopefully once she goes into labor and things are moving forward, I can feel more at peace and realize that this really is happening.

On a side note, some of the things that people say when they learn that I am adopting. I have heard plenty of the usual comments, such as "You are lucky because_____". These comments usually end with statements such as: you don't have to go through labor, you can fit in your pre-baby clothes without any effort, or you won't need to worry about recovering from pregnancy while taking care of your baby. I know that these comments are all well-meaning, but I don't think that people realize I would have gladly experienced any of those things. However, the winner of the inappropriate comment goes to one of my coworkers. She came into my office to tell me congratulations about the upcoming adoption, and she said "You know, I think I kind of know how you feel about infertility, but my problem was the opposite. Instead of not being able to have kids, I was too fertile. I got pregnant a couple times while I was on birth control. So even though I wouldn't say that my kids weren't unwanted, they weren't planned". Umm..okay? All I could do was stare at her and try to think of something to say. I'm sorry, about someone that is too fertile CANNOT know what it is like to be infertile! End of story!!!

Still Waiting...

Not much has happened over the past few days, other than we are still waiting for our BM to go into labor. She went to the doctor yesterday, and I guess her OB stripped her membranes. If she doesn't go into labor over the weekend, she is supposed to go back on Monday, and she will probably be induced. I am so anxious to meet this little guy, so I am hoping that I don't have to wait until next week! Her official due date is today, so we'll see what happens.

I think that I am as ready as I can be for this baby, given the short notice. I think that we have all of the essentials, but who knows...I have never had to take care of a baby before! Everyone has told us not to buy a ton of stuff because babies don't need a lot, plus we will have showers after he is here, but I still wonder what I am missing.

During this past week, it has been so amazing to see the generosity of family and friends. We have had people leave us baby clothes on our porch, someone gave us a glider for free...just things like that. It is nice to feel so loved and supported during this time!

Update

First, thank you so much to everyone who has left me comments, shared in the excitement, and just given me so much support. I REALLY appreciate it! Second, I know that I am falling behind on everyone else's blogs, and I apologize!

The past few days have been a whirlwind, but in a good way. On Friday, my caseworker called and said that our BM changed her mind and wanted to meet us. That brought me so much relief, because I have been so nervous that she could still change her mind, so it seemed that wanting to meet us was a good thing. On Friday, we went and registered; that was an overwhelming experience itself. We didn't get to the store until about 7:30 and there was just so much to see and choose from. To be honest, I have no idea if I registered for what we need, but at least it is a start. We also bought our car seat/stroller travel system.

On Saturday morning, we met with our caseworker for a few minutes before we met the BM. We were excited to find out that the BM is okay with us coming to the hospital, giving the baby a bath, things like that. It was more than I was hoping for. She also gave us the social and health histories that the BM had provided, and it was amazing to read because we felt like we were reading about our own families. There were so many similarities - from family vacations, to hobbies, that it was crazy. Next was our face to face meeting with the BM and her mom. We were both nervous as first, but it went so well. I felt like we made a really good connection with her and honestly I just fell in love with her. She is such an amazing woman and I feel so honored that she picked us to adopt her baby. The meeting helped alleviate a lot of our fears and concerns and left us with a really peaceful feeling. During the meeting, we gave her a gift (gift certificate for a pedicure, bath bubbles, lotion, Burt's Bees hands/feet kit, and chocolate) and she gave us a blanket, book, and stuffed animal for the baby.

After the meeting, we went to the store and just bought a bunch of basic, essential baby things, such as diapers, bottles, formula, onesies...it made it start to feel real...like I am buying these things for my son, and not my friend's baby or the baby I might have in the future. That afternoon, my family came over to help set up the nursery so that we could run some more errands.

Tomorrow, we get to go to meet more of the BM's family at a hospital meeting. This is where we will talk about her birthing plan, our role at the hospital, and just basically to review how she wants things to happen. It is so exciting to see things coming together, and now I just can't wait for that phone call saying that she is in labor!