Thursday, December 30, 2010

Doom and Gloom

Sorry, I know this is a bit of a "pity party" post, but I don't know why I have this feeling of doom and gloom today. I know that I should be so happy right now. I keep telling myself that I need to be positive, because who knows what will happen with my pg and our little bean. I guess I am just preparing myself for the worst case scenario. I know that it isn't wise for me to get my hopes up too high, because the odds aren't good for someone in my situation. I know that at this point, I can't control what happens; I just need to try and relax and enjoy the ride. But instead, I feel like crying.

It's not like I necessarily feel any different. And I don't think that my labs were really that bad. From the reading I have done online, your betas are supposed to double every 48-72 hours, so I figure mine have got to be okay. I just feel really sad and worried for some reason.

I think that a big part of it is fear. I am so afraid that things aren't going to work out. I absolutely love J so much, but now that I know about this baby, I want it to make it! I am afraid that it is going to be too emotionally hard and painful if I have another m/c. I have one SIL who is due with baby #2 in July, my SIL with the unplanned pg who is due right around the same time as me...plus, I just found out that my good friend is due with twins this summer. I am SO happy for her; she has been trying to have a baby for over a year, and all she has had to show for it up until now was an ectopic pregnancy. It just hurts to know that even though I am pg now, there is such a risk that I won't be for long and that my body can't do something that should be so naturally. I want to be able to be excited with my family and friends, and anticipate the baby that should be coming to our family. I don't want to have to sit and listen in hurt silence while my SILs talk about their growing bellies and anticipate their baby plans. Why is it that one person's joy becomes someone else's trial and sorrow?

I think that perhaps another small reason why I am feeling a little down is that we decided to cancel our Af.lac today. We have been paying on this for a couple years, with the hopes that I would get pg and would get "paid" to have a baby. Earlier this year, we decided that it wasn't worth the monthly expense and we would cancel our plan when open enrollment occurred at the end of the year. When I found out I was pg last week, we started debating again about whether we should keep the plan. We ended up deciding to cancel the plan because we figured that the risk of paying for another year of the plan and not getting anything in return was greater than the possibility of me having a baby. We decided that it would make more sense to just start paying ourselves and saving the money rather than paying Af.lac.

Anyway, I am sorry for such a gloomy post. Part of me wants to confide to one of my IRL friends about what is going on so that I have someone to talk to, especially if things don't work out. I just don't know who it would be. And what would I say? Guess what...I am pg, but I am so scared that it isn't going to work out, that I am becoming a paranoid, emotional psycho? I know that I just need to relax and let whatever happens happen. I am just scared. Scared to lose the baby, and scared to deal with the pain of seeing those who have not lost. Scared to return to that bitter person that I have finally been growing away from.

1459

Yesterday's lab result was 1459. This is slightly less than double of Monday's result of 767. I am not sure if this is okay or not....my doctor's office is closed until Monday! The only reason I know the result is my insurance has a website where you can look up your medical records online. In anyone's experience, does this number look okay?

I hate having to wait until Monday to hear anything from the doctor...I am getting ready for another long weekend! At least DH, J, and I are planning on heading down to southern Utah to spend some time with his dad, so hopefully that will help make the weekend go by a little bit faster. :)

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Game Plan

I heard back from the RE's office yesterday morning and he ordered a Bhcg for yesterday and another one for tomorrow. The sent me an e-mail this morning saying that yesterday's labs looked great and my number was 767. So, I will go back tomorrow afternoon in the hopes that they have doubled since Monday.

Assuming that nothing changes between now and then, I will go in for a viability scan just after six weeks. I know that is only a couple weeks away, but it seems like such a long time to wait!

TMI alert: I know this is normal to experience, but I have this clear discharge and it always freaks me out because I am afraid that I am spotting. A trip to the bathroom reveals that I am just being paranoid. I also almost always feel like I need to pee, even if I just barely went, and it almost makes me feel like I have cramps. I know that I just need to relax and enjoy this for however long it lasts, but it is so hard not to be nervous. This probably sounds a little crazy, but I am GRATEFUL for the pg symptoms that I have been feeling, because it is a good reminder that there is a baby growing inside me. I haven't had any symptoms that have been too awful: my boobs are definitely tender, plus the frequent urination that I mentioned, and some transient nausea and fatigue.

Hopefully I can get some good news tomorrow that will help me relax a little bit more!

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas! We had such a great time spending Christmas with our family. It was wonderful to have J with us for Christmas...I don't think I would have done well otherwise. There were two pregnancy announcements...one was the one that I suspected: DH's brother and his wife are expecting their second baby and are due in July. My other SIL also announced that she is 4 weeks pg. This was a very unexpected baby, and she is deciding whether she will keep it once it is born or go the adoption route. After the first announcement, it was really funny because everyone was asking my BIL and SIL how they could keep the secret for so long (she is 12 weeks), and DH and I were just laughing to ourselves about the secret we had!

Here are a couple pictures of our day. This first one was right before we went home at the end of the night, and you can see how tired we are. I love the one of J in his Santa hat!


I am SO glad that tomorrow is Monday and the RE's office will be open. I have seriously been such a nervous wreck. I analyze every little symptom, and I keep checking for spotting whenever I use the restroom. Sorry if that is TMI, but that is just the way it is. I keep thinking that I am feeling some cramps, but it is always just that I need to pee again. I know that there isn't anything I can do to control the outcome, but I still feel so nervous that something is going to happen and I will be crushed.

I think that the news is starting to sink in. I was definitely in shock at first, but now I am so excited, even if it is a nervous excitement. I REALLY want this to work. I know that things will be crazy at first, but I want this baby so badly. I was a little nervous when I told DH, but he is excited too. I hope that my doctor calls first thing in the morning tomorrow so that I can feel like things are moving forward. Also, thank you so much to everyone for your support. I know that it is not fun to receive a surprise pg announcement, especially this time of year. I am sure taht it doesn't help that we were just blessed to adopt J, so we will *hopefully* have two babies so close.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Please Stay Quiet!

Also...just in case you know me IRL or on FB...please keep my news a secret! I am sure we will be waiting quite a while before we are ready to share anything!

One of "Those" Girls?!?!

I think that I jinxed myself in my last post.

For the past few days, DH has been teasing me that he thinks I am pregnant. He said, "you have to be pregnant because you have been so ornery and have been feeling sick". My reply - "I doubt it! If we can't have a baby when trying and timing, why now?" I will admit to not feeling quite myself lately - there has been some nausea and fatigue, but I just attributed it to the holiday season and having a new baby. But, after DH's insistence and not really feeling any AF symptoms, I decided to buy a pg test today. And it was positive. Apparently, I am one of "those" girls who gets KU after adopting?!?!

I know that I am FAR from being out of the woods and a long way from another baby. My RE has said that any pg I have has a 2/3 chance of miscarriage, so those definitely are not good odds. I contacted my RE's office, but they are out until after the holiday. I have debated calling my regular OB, but what would she do? Maybe order some blood work that I would not get the results back for until Monday anyway. I have a feeling this is going to be the LONGEST long weekend ever! I know that I will be analyzing every twinge, every possible symptom that AF is coming.

Part of me is super excited to be pg, and then the logical part of me kicks in and thinks about how crazy things will be having two kids under the age of one. If (and this is a big if) things work out, I know that things will be overwhelming to begin with, but hopefully when they are older, they will be best friends because they are so close in age.

So, we'll see what happens...I will keep you updated!

Oh, and do you know what makes this even more interesting? It was two years ago today that I got my first BFP (it ended in a m/c at 10 weeks).

Monday, December 20, 2010

This and That

I apologize in advance, but this is a very random post!

First, sorry about my little vent from my last post. I totally realize that pregnancy is hard and is definitely not comfortable. My issues with B has been that she only complained, and never said anything positive about being pregnant. I think that it also brought out some jealous feelings in me.

Anyway, not much is new with us. I feel like I should have something exciting to post, but I don't. We are pretty much already for Christmas, and I can't believe that Christmas is this week! I am so excited to celebrate Christmas with J, even if he doesn't know what is going on. Last Christmas was AWFUL - it was my niece's first Christmas, and she was the first grandchild. I absolutely love my niece, but it was so hard to see what we were missing, and to hear the repeated comments about how more grandchildren were wanted. This Christmas will be much better! And, speaking of my niece, I have a slight hunch that her parents may be making a baby announcement this Christmas. My SIL is very health conscious and has always been really thin, but I have noticed a little something around her belly lately. I know that doesn't mean that she is expecting, but I am still "prepping" myself.

I have talked a little bit with other people with IF about BCP after having a baby. Some people have taken the stance that since it was so hard to get the baby in the first place, there is no point in using birth control, while others get back on immediately. DH and I have talked a little about it, and for the meanwhile, I am BCP free. We figured that the chances of us conceiving are low, so why waste the money each month. I honestly believe it would take a miracle for me to get pg.

Earlier in the year, Wistfulgirl's World did a monthly "Secret Pal", where you were assigned someone's blog to follow during the month, offer extra support, etc. Secret Pals was put on hold for a while, but I am so excited that it is back! You can check out this post if you are interested in signing up!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Oh Brother...

I need to vent for a minute. It is definitely true that adopting a baby eases the pain of not being a mother, but it doesn't take away the pain of IF. I will admit that it has been much easier to deal with the recent rash of pg announcements, but there is still some pain. I for sure still get frustrated when I hear people complain about their pregnancies, whether it is the discomfort, it was unplanned, etc.

This was the case a few minutes ago when I read my friend, B's blog. As a quick reminder, B is the one who had an unplanned pregnancy and has bitched and moaned about it quite a bit...to the point where even my fertile friends are annoyed. She is also the one who has been on a "budget" because her husband has been unemployed and she had to work two jobs, yet continued to spend money like crazy (and then complain about not having money). Anyway...back to what I was saying. I saw that B had posted about reaching her due date, but I was shocked about some of the things that I read. She said that she felt bitter about going over her due date, even though she knows it is not uncommon for first time moms to do so. She also talked about how excited she is to go into labor so that she will finally not be pregnant anymore. There were a few other things that she mentioned that just rubbed me the wrong way. I mean, really? I know that I have not experienced pregnancy, and I am sure it is hard and uncomfortable, but I still hate it when people, especially B, complain about it. There are so many women out there who would give anything to be in her position, and she takes it all for granted. How nice would it be to have an accidental pregnancy without ever trying to get KU?

Now I am sure that the complaining will go from being about her pregnancy to about how hard it is to have a newborn baby...

Friday, December 10, 2010

Catching Up!

It seems like it has been FOREVER since I last updated my blog, let alone read anybody else's. Also, I want to apologize to anyone who comes across this and is feeling a little delicate and doesn't want to read about babies.

J is getting so big! He is already a month old...the time has gone by so fast! J has been such a good and happy baby, and I have honestly fallen in love with him. He loves to smile! He is starting to coo, he can roll over from his side to his back, and he is starting to sleep longer at night. I love taking him out to run errands and having people comment on how cute MY baby is.

I will admit that there are things that have been different/harder than I expected. At first, I thought that I would have tons of time to get things done...my house would be perfectly clean, gourmet dinners would be ready when DH came home...so NOT the case! There never seems to be enough hours in the day, and sometimes I wish that I could clone myself! I can't complain, though!

Here are a few pictures that I have taken of J within the past few weeks:

J is a University of Utah fan, and he was so excited when they won the rivalry game!



We went with my mom and sister to this quaint shopping area that was decorated with elves


I took this picture this morning...you can see how smiley he is!

Friday, November 26, 2010

Freaks of Nature

One of my friends who battled IF before getting pg with triplets posted this on FB. I thought it was pretty funny and decided to share...now I think that they need to make one about adoption! Enjoy!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Two Weeks

Things are going well! DH went back to work yesterday, so this has been my first few days home alone with J. Overall, it hasn't been too crazy; we are just trying to get into a good routine that will still allow me to get stuff done at home and get a little sleep! :)

I took J to his two week appointment yesterday, and he is already up to 8 lbs 6 oz. He is still 20.5" long, but the doctor said that is normal. J is becoming so much more alert, and it is fun to interact and play with him.

One of the things that I have been struggling with lately is finding a good balance between talking about J and being excited about being a mom compared with being sensitive to friends who have IF. I have one friend in particular, C, who this is especially difficult. C is very private, but a few months ago, she slowly started confiding in me more and more about how she and her husband have been trying to get pg for about a year and a half. The thing is though, C hasn't gone to the doctor to try and figure out what is going on, and I get the impression that she is not in a hurry to make an appointment. Before we found out about J, it was becoming easier for her to talk about IF with me. Now, it is uncomfortable to be around her. I have hung out with her twice, and both times she hardly talks. All she does is play games on her phone and look miserable. Other people have noticed this, so I know it is not just me. After the first time, I sent her a text saying that I know it is hard to be around baby stuff and I appreciated her friendship and support. She responded that this has been harder than she thought it would be, but she was happy for me. I want to be supportive of her because I DO know how hard it can be, but at the same time, I get frustrated because I don't think that she is doing anything to fix her situation. I also struggle with wanting to post things on fb or my family blog, but then I remember how bad it sucks to be on the other end and always have baby things flashed in your face. I suppose I am just trying to find a good balance so that I am not hurting anyone, while still enjoying J and being a mom.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Life is Good!

Wow, it has been a REALLY long time since I have blogged. I feel bad that I am so out of the loop with what is going on with everyone...hopefully I will have a chance to start catching up soon.

Things are going really well with our new little family. I think that it is finally starting to sink in that I am a mom. Sometimes it doesn't seem real, but there are other times when I definitely feel it, and it is amazing! I will admit that this has been a gradual process. So many people told me that I would feel this instant connection the first time I held J. I guess I did, but not to the level that I was expecting. I would say that the bond has been growing slowly, and I feel it more each day. Like I said, I feel like motherhood is still sinking in, so I am guessing that is part of it.

We have been getting into a good routine, and J is done with the lights. Both of these things are a huge blessing, because it means that I get to interact with him more and he is sleeping better at night. It also seems like J has grown so much already...he goes in for his first 2 week appointment on Monday, so I guess I will find out exactly how much then.

Also, thank you so much to everyone for the support that you have given me, especially over the past few weeks. It has meant SO much to me. I am hoping that I can soon start to get updated on what is going on with everyone else, and I can start returning the favor.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Introducing...Baby J!

Baby J was born November 8, weighed 7lb 15oz, and is 20.5 inches long!

We got the call that the birth mom, K, was in labor at 1:40 on Monday morning. Our case worker told us that K wanted us to come to the hospital, so we grabbed our stuff and left. When we got to the hospital, we visited with K and her mom for a few minutes, and then hung out in the waiting room. Shortly before K was ready to start pushing, her mom came out and told us that if we were comfortable with it, we were invited to come into the delivery room. We were so grateful to get that opportunity! We were also able to meet two of K's sisters and her BIL, so it was neat for us to get to know more of her family.

Once J was born, I was able to cut the umbilical cord. K wanted us to be as involved with him as we could, so we were there when he was getting cleaned up, and then I was the first one to hold him, give him his bottle, and his first bath. K also wanted us to room in at the hospital, so we were able to have our own room and have J stay with us.

K and her mom came down to see J on Monday night. My FIL and his wife happened to be there at the same time, so I think it was good for K to see that baby J already has so many family members that love him.

K wanted to sign the relinquishment papers as soon as possible, which is 24* after delivery in Utah. Shortly before signing, she and her mom came down to our room again to hold J. I am so glad that we were able to spend a little bit of time with her in the hospital. I honestly have so much love and respect for K. She is such an amazing person!
We spent 48* in the hospital with J before he was discharged...meaning we just got home with him this afternoon. The only eventful thing that has happened is that his bilirubin level started to increase, so he had to come home with the bilirubin lights. It stinks that we have to keep him on them for so long, because then I can't hold him as much as I want!

I think that it is finally starting to sink in that I am a mom and DH is a dad. Part of it still seems like a dream that is just too good to be true. It is hard to believe that it REALLY happened...it just seems so surreal. DH and I love J so much already, and that bond just continues to grow stronger.


The hospital where J was born does newborn photography for all the new babies. When we first heard about it, we didn't think that we would end up wanting to buy any of the pictures, but they did such a good job, we just couldn't resist!

Monday, November 8, 2010

He's Here!



He's here, and he's beautiful! More information to come!

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Nothing Yet

We are still waiting for our little guy to arrive. I am hoping that our BM will be induced tomorrow after her appointment, but we'll see. It is crazy to think that this will *hopefully* be our last child-free weekend. On Friday, DH and I went out for a little date night (dinner at one of our favorite Mexican restaurants, and then went to see "Social Network". I feel like we are as ready as we will ever be!

I am so excited for this to happen, but I will admit that there are times when I get a little freaked out. It isn't that I am freaked out to be a mom, it is more being nervous that I could get hurt. I think that when you have been dealing with IF, you learn to put up walls so that you can protect yourself. For example, a BFP doesn't automatically equal happiness: even though you are happy and excited, you are terrified about losing the baby. That is how I feel now. I am so excited to be a mom, for DH to be a dad, and for us to continue on this journey together. But, there is one part of me that says "Remember how IF screwed you over?? What makes you think that this will be any different? If you don't get excited, it won't hurt as bad if it doesn't work out". So, even though our BM seems to be pretty committed to this adoption, there is a small part of me that is holding back. I just don't want to get hurt again. Hopefully once she goes into labor and things are moving forward, I can feel more at peace and realize that this really is happening.

On a side note, some of the things that people say when they learn that I am adopting. I have heard plenty of the usual comments, such as "You are lucky because_____". These comments usually end with statements such as: you don't have to go through labor, you can fit in your pre-baby clothes without any effort, or you won't need to worry about recovering from pregnancy while taking care of your baby. I know that these comments are all well-meaning, but I don't think that people realize I would have gladly experienced any of those things. However, the winner of the inappropriate comment goes to one of my coworkers. She came into my office to tell me congratulations about the upcoming adoption, and she said "You know, I think I kind of know how you feel about infertility, but my problem was the opposite. Instead of not being able to have kids, I was too fertile. I got pregnant a couple times while I was on birth control. So even though I wouldn't say that my kids weren't unwanted, they weren't planned". Umm..okay? All I could do was stare at her and try to think of something to say. I'm sorry, about someone that is too fertile CANNOT know what it is like to be infertile! End of story!!!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Still Waiting...

Not much has happened over the past few days, other than we are still waiting for our BM to go into labor. She went to the doctor yesterday, and I guess her OB stripped her membranes. If she doesn't go into labor over the weekend, she is supposed to go back on Monday, and she will probably be induced. I am so anxious to meet this little guy, so I am hoping that I don't have to wait until next week! Her official due date is today, so we'll see what happens.

I think that I am as ready as I can be for this baby, given the short notice. I think that we have all of the essentials, but who knows...I have never had to take care of a baby before! Everyone has told us not to buy a ton of stuff because babies don't need a lot, plus we will have showers after he is here, but I still wonder what I am missing.

During this past week, it has been so amazing to see the generosity of family and friends. We have had people leave us baby clothes on our porch, someone gave us a glider for free...just things like that. It is nice to feel so loved and supported during this time!

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Update

First, thank you so much to everyone who has left me comments, shared in the excitement, and just given me so much support. I REALLY appreciate it! Second, I know that I am falling behind on everyone else's blogs, and I apologize!

The past few days have been a whirlwind, but in a good way. On Friday, my caseworker called and said that our BM changed her mind and wanted to meet us. That brought me so much relief, because I have been so nervous that she could still change her mind, so it seemed that wanting to meet us was a good thing. On Friday, we went and registered; that was an overwhelming experience itself. We didn't get to the store until about 7:30 and there was just so much to see and choose from. To be honest, I have no idea if I registered for what we need, but at least it is a start. We also bought our car seat/stroller travel system.

On Saturday morning, we met with our caseworker for a few minutes before we met the BM. We were excited to find out that the BM is okay with us coming to the hospital, giving the baby a bath, things like that. It was more than I was hoping for. She also gave us the social and health histories that the BM had provided, and it was amazing to read because we felt like we were reading about our own families. There were so many similarities - from family vacations, to hobbies, that it was crazy. Next was our face to face meeting with the BM and her mom. We were both nervous as first, but it went so well. I felt like we made a really good connection with her and honestly I just fell in love with her. She is such an amazing woman and I feel so honored that she picked us to adopt her baby. The meeting helped alleviate a lot of our fears and concerns and left us with a really peaceful feeling. During the meeting, we gave her a gift (gift certificate for a pedicure, bath bubbles, lotion, Burt's Bees hands/feet kit, and chocolate) and she gave us a blanket, book, and stuffed animal for the baby.

After the meeting, we went to the store and just bought a bunch of basic, essential baby things, such as diapers, bottles, formula, onesies...it made it start to feel real...like I am buying these things for my son, and not my friend's baby or the baby I might have in the future. That afternoon, my family came over to help set up the nursery so that we could run some more errands.

Tomorrow, we get to go to meet more of the BM's family at a hospital meeting. This is where we will talk about her birthing plan, our role at the hospital, and just basically to review how she wants things to happen. It is so exciting to see things coming together, and now I just can't wait for that phone call saying that she is in labor!

Thursday, October 28, 2010

We Said Yes!

I called the agency back, and we said YES!!! I still don't know much about the birth mom, other than she is due next Friday, November 5, so our little boy could come any time. I know that she can still change her mind, but I can't help being so excited. We are going to go buy baby stuff tomorrow and register, and then just get things ready as quick as we can. I am so excited and couldn't be happier!!! Keep your fingers crossed for me that she doesn't change her mind.

Freaking Out!!! (In a good way)

DH called me this morning and asked if I was busy, because he wanted to come over to my office and talk to me about something. When he got here, he said that he had received a phone call from our case worker...someone has chosen us to adopt their baby! The birth mom (BM) is having a boy and she is due next week. Right now it would a pretty closed adoption, with the chance of it being more open in the future. We are both freaking out. She was using meth until she found out that she was pregnant, and then she stopped. I think that we are leaning towards accepting the baby, but I think that DH and I are both in such a state of shock and feeling overwhelmed that we don't know what to do. We have some stuff, but obviously not everything that we need. It feels so crazy to not know when/if I will get to be a mom, to all of a sudden have it be a possibility so soon. The agency asked us to let them know our decision by the end of today, so I will definitely keep you posted!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

New Toy and Adoption Reading Question

First...

I bought a Nike + iPod kit, and today was my first day using it - I LOVED it! Basically, it is a chip that goes on my shoe and syncs to my iPod. It keeps track of how far I run, my pace, calories burned, etc. It also allows you to set up goals and you can download workouts to help you train. I am hoping that this will keep me motivated and help me improve.
Second, and more importantly...does anyone have any good advice on adoption articles and books that are good to give to family members? I was thinking that maybe it would help my MIL if I gave her some legitimate reading material. I saw the book "Adoption is a Family Affair: What Relatives and Friends Must Know", by Patricia Johnston on Barnes and Noble's website, but I am clueless as to how good it is. If anyone has any suggestions, I would love to hear them!

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Bitter

Just a warning...this post is kind of all over the place, so I am sorry if it doesn't seem to flow or make much sense. :)

I know that I said I did pretty well at the shower - and I did - but I can still feel some bitterness creeping back into me. I think that there are just a lot of little things that are contributing.

This month marks two years since we threw out the BCPs...how naive I was, thinking that this would be so easy for us. Even after the loss in January 09, I thought that it would be easy, and we would just have a baby a couple of months later than I had planned. If you had asked me two years ago what I thought would be happening now, I would imagine that I would've said that we would have one kid and be thinking about number two...or maybe even start trying for number two/be KU again. And now, here I am, two years later with nothing to show for it.

I get so tired of having to pretend that things are great. Don't get me wrong...I have a really great husband and a really good life, but it is hard to cover up that my heart is still hurting. Most days I can handle it pretty well and keep a smile pasted on my face, but it does get old. I am tired of hearing the misguided comments, the probing questions, and feeling that I don't have control over my life.

I told DH that I am not looking forward to Christmas this year - it is the year we will spend most of it with his family. He asked why, and I told him that the holidays are too painful. Last year was miserable, especially the time that was spent with his family. Don't get me wrong, I love my in-laws, but it is just hard. My MIL has the uncanny ability to always say something that is well-meaning, but turns out to be very hurtful. DH said that he could say something to his family about there being "certain triggers" that make things hard, but I told him no, because I don't want to be singled out or have people walking on egg shells around me, either. I joked that instead, he should tell his mom that we are spending the holidays in the Caribbean. I asked him if it doesn't ever make him sad to be where we are at right now and not be able to have kids they way we have planned and to not have control over when we will be able to adopt. He said that he doesn't necessarily get sad, but it is more of a bitter feeling for him. I thought that was interesting, considering he always does such a good job of covering it up. When I asked more about it, he said that he has just learned that life is hard, so you have to play the cards that you are dealt. That is true, but it certainly doesn't make it any easier.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

I Survived Another Shower...Thank Goodness for Friends!

I went to a shower for my friend, B, this afternoon. I have mentioned B before...she is the friend that had a "surprise" pregnancy a month or so after making comments about how she would "kill herself if she got KU". She is the friend who has complained about the discomforts of pregnancy every chance she gets. She is the friend that got on my nerves before she was pg, but has been even more so since.

I went to the shower with three of my friends. One just had a baby in July (but also gets annoyed with B) and two others who have had problems TTC. I don't know what I would have done without these friends...it made the shower so much better. I swear every other girl there besides my two friends and me had either had a baby recently or was pg. One girl had the tiniest baby bump, but could not take her hands off her belly. After we left, my two friends commented on how "the preggies were coming out of the woodwork" today, and that trend seemed to continue while we went to the mall following the shower.

I am slowly getting better about not being so bitter around pg people and kids, but I still hate it when people take it for granted and complain about how hard it is. This is especially the case with B...she knows that we had a m/c, have struggled with IF, and are hoping to adopt. We have been trying to have a baby for longer than she has even been married, so it sucked to find out that she was able to get KU on accident. I don't mean to complain and whine, I just wish people that knew that someone was struggling with IF wouldn't rub their pg in their face. Thankfully, my two friends feel the same way with this issue, so it is nice to not be alone and have someone who understands/wants to get out of a baby shower as quickly as I do!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

ICLW!

Wow...I can't believe it is already that time again! It seems like October has just rushed by. If you are new to my blog, welcome! My short story is that DH and I have been TTC for about two years. I was diagnosed with a chromosome abnormality in May, and we are now hoping to adopt. We have been approved since the beginning of August, so now we are just waiting...

Nothing is really new with me this week. I have still been super busy at work and at home. I thought that since I didn't really have much to say, I would post ten random things about myself:
  1. I absolutely love this time of year. I love the crisp autumn air, the scents associated with fall, the leaves, everything. I honestly have a fall "to do" list that I try and accomplish every year just so that I can enjoy the season so much.
  2. I love to read! Lately I have been reading some of Jodi Piccoult's books, but some of my other favorites are "Gone with the Wind" and the "Hunger Games" series.
  3. I play the piano and DH plays the drums. DH has a ton of recording equipment from when he has been in bands, so we are trying to record some music together.
  4. I am training for the Utah Ragnar race...this is a relay race that spans the distance from Logan, UT to Park City, UT (a distance of about 200 miles or so).
  5. Speaking of running, I love to go jogging with my little furkid, Faline. Faline is a miniature pinscher, and she is able to keep up pretty well until I hit 5 miles or so.
  6. I grew up with "the greatest snow on earth", but I hate the snow, snow sports, and anything involving being outside when it is cold/snowy.
  7. I really enjoy making crafts and home decorating, although sometimes I don't feel like I am very creative.
  8. I am a nurse, but I don't work on the floor anymore. I do more quality improvement/manager stuff.
  9. I am an avid Utah Jazz fan. It is not uncommon for me to suggest the DH and I stay in and order takeout so that we can watch Friday night games.
  10. One of my dreams is to visit every continent...unfortunately, the furthest place I have been from home so far is Mexico, so I definitely have a way to go!

Monday, October 18, 2010

People Just Don't Get It

Last night, we went to family dinner at my MIL's house. As much as I enjoy spending time with the family, I always dread it a little bit because it seems like the biggest topic of conversation is always babies. There is only one grandchild on that side of the family, and don't get me wrong - I love my niece - but sometimes it would be nice to talk about something else. Anyway, of course the adoption came up and people were asking DH and me if we had heard anything yet. We said no, and then my MIL proceeded to question us. This is how the conversation went:

MIL: Have you guys considered getting a baby from another country?
Us: Yes, but it is much more expensive and the wait can be much longer. We felt like domestic adoption was the best route for us.
MIL: But there are so many orphans. Why can't you just go to a country and pick out a baby?
Us: Well, it isn't that easy. There is a lot of red tape to go through with both our country and the country where the baby comes from.
MIL: Well, it seems like you should just be able to go pick out a baby and then pay a lawyer to do the adoption.
Us: Unfortunately, it just doesn't work that way. It's not that simple. Some people wait years to adopt a baby from another country, and it just depends on that country's rules.
MIL: When C and J (her sister and BIL) adopted a baby from Columbia, they just went there and got him, and I know it wasn't that expensive. I realize that was a long time ago, and he was 18 months old when they got him, but still.
Us: Most children that are adopted from other countries are not adopted as new babies.
MIL: Well, I bet that D (her brother who lived in Columbia) could call up his friend in Columbia and have him watch for a baby for you. And then you could adopt that baby and not have to keep waiting.
Us: Unfortunately, it just isn't usually that simple. There is much more to it than going to another country and just picking up a baby.
MIL: What other options do you have to get a baby faster?
Us: We could have chosen another agency that has faster placement times, but the fees would have been double or triple what we are paying with ours.
MIL: We can just have a bake sale and raise the money that you need to get a baby faster.

This conversation continued for a little while. I think that my MIL was still convinced that all she needed to do was have her brother call his friend in Columbia and it would be that easy for us to get a baby. I know that she is just excited for us and excited to have a grandchild, but sometimes it is a little much. It would be nice to sometimes talk about other things besides babies...after all, DH and I are still people who still have other interests and lives outside of adoption!

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Catching Up

I feel like I have been SO far out of the blogging loop during the past week or so. Work has been crazy busy, so I haven't had time to blog during lunch, and when I get home, the last thing I want to do is sit in front of a computer screen.

Anyway, I guess I don't have too much to say, other than just a few mini updates from my last post. I decided to give my OB another try. I called to schedule an appointment, and she is booked out until APRIL! I made an appointment, but I guess that gives me plenty of time to change my mind between now and then. As for the shower, if it gets brought up again, I think that I am going to say that I would like to hold off, at least for now. I am slowly starting to put together a "grab and go" bag of sorts, just in case we got a call with no notice, but I just don't want to do the shower yet. I figure that the bag would hopefully be enough in the event that we had little/no notice. Today, I bought the first thing for my bag...the diaper bag itself! I went to this baby store by my house that was having a big sale, and I found a Bumble bag that I loved for 40% off.

Lately, I have been having one of those times when I feel like there are babies EVERYWHERE...and not just pg girls and new babies, but stories about people adopting. I think that part of it is because I have started being a lot more open with people besides family and friends about our adoption plans, so that inevitably opens the door for people to say things like "Oh, this person I know just adopted a baby last week". On one hand it is good, because obviously those people desperately want a baby of their own and it means that adoptions are happening, but I want it to be my profile that is the one being looked at and chosen.

Anyway, that is all I have for now. Not much of anything too interesting, but I suppose that is okay. Hopefully tomorrow I will have a chance to get caught up on everyone else's blogs.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Decisions, Decisions

I feel like there are quite a few decisions to make right now...none of them are really big decisions. You know, the kind where you are at a crossroads and the decision is going to have a huge impact on your life. But, still decisions to make anyway.

The first, and maybe the easiest, is regarding a baby shower. DH's mom and aunt have approached me about giving me a baby shower. I think that DH's mom would prefer to do it sooner than later, "just in case". They said that it could be gender neutral, since I obviously have no clue whether we will adopt a boy or a girl. I am kind of torn on the shower. Of course I want to have a baby shower one day, but it kind of seems awkward to do one now.

My concerns about doing a shower this early are:

1. Who knows how long it will be before we get a baby. What if we have a shower now, and then we don't get a baby for a couple of years, and I want different things?
2. Will people even want to come to a shower for me, since I am not pg and have not been matched?
3. I really am not this superstitious, but what if I jinx myself by doing this?

On the other hand, it might be nice to have an early shower, just in case we really do get matched with someone and don't have a long time to prepare.

If anyone is reading this has had past experience or suggestions, I would LOVE to hear what you have to say!

My next decision is about our adoption profile. Right now, I have an online profile listed with our agency and another one listed with hopingtoadopt.org. I chose to put our profile with Hoping to Adopt because I had a free two month trial. Well, the two month trial is coming to an end, and I haven't really seen much traffic. According to the profile statistics, we have had plenty of people view the profile, but nobody has contacted us from it. The monthly fee for listing our profile is only around $30 (I think), so it isn't like it is a huge expense, but why pay $30 if it isn't doing any good? I have a friend who's family member got a ton of traffic from Parent Profiles, but that website is around $90/month. I just don't know if it is worth it to list our profile with so many different places. I have thought about cancelling the profile with Hoping to Adopt and trying Parent Profiles for a couple months, but I just don't know.

Last, I have been considering switching to a different OB/GYN. When I went for my annual exam last January, I did not have a good experience. I have always liked her before, but that appointment left a sour taste in my mouth. I really didn't like that she didn't listen to me and brushed my concerns aside. What if I stick with her, have concerns in the future, and then have the same problems. On the other hand, I have always liked her before then, so maybe it was just a fluke...especially since she had been running late. I just don't know...but if I am going to stick with her, I need to schedule my annual now. I am leaning towards making another appointment to see her for my annual exam, and then depending on how things go, I will decide whether or not to stay with her in the future.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Fall Leaves and Update

Not much is new with me, but maybe that is a good thing. It means that nothing is too crazy with me right now.

I think that I have patched things up with my sister. We haven't really talked about what happened, but things are better. I decided to invite her to come up to my house last Friday to help me work on a project we were doing for my mom's birthday. At first it was a little awkward, but by the end of the night, I had her laughing and happy. Apparently she told my mom that she had been excited that she was the only one who was coming up to hang out, so I guess that is a good thing. I think that I just need to maybe make more of an effort to include her and make sure that she knows that I am glad to have her as my sister.

Last weekend, DH and I took a drive up the canyon by our house to see the fall leaves. I was a little nervous about how they would be because we have had such a warm fall, but there were some really pretty areas.




The drive made for a really relaxing day. The route we took included a pass through the mountain that led us to a small town, where we stopped for lunch. Autumn is definitely my favorite time of year, so I am so glad that DH and I were able to take the time to go enjoy the leaves.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Reoccuring Dream

I have had this dream a couple of times, and it is really kind of weird. Each time I have it, it is pretty much the same, but a few details will be different (i.e. the setting, etc). So here is the storyline of the dream:

Someone comes and tells me that my baby has been born. In my dream, I had a baby by using a surrogate with my eggs and my BIL's sperm. The surrogate was my SIL. This is very strange to me because I don't have a problem carrying a baby, I just have bad eggs. Plus, DH's sperm are great, and if we did ever use a donor/surrogate, I really doubt it would be a family member, especially not my BIL and SIL. So anyway, I will go to the area where the baby is and want to see her (it is always a girl), but am told that I have to wait outside because my BIL and SIL are bonding with the baby and everyone else in the family gets to see her first. As family members leave the room, they tell me how beautiful and precious my baby is. I start getting frustrated that I am the last one to see MY baby, and then finally they bring her out to me. Once I finally get to hold her, my heart just melts. She is a beautiful baby, but there is a bit of sadness that we used a surrogate and donor sperm. As I am holding her, she starts to get hungry, so I ask for a bottle. When she doesn't immediately take to it, my SIL makes a snarky comment about how at least she can breastfeed. Next thing I know, the baby is taken away from me so that she can be breastfed, and I am left with empty arms, wondering why I don't get to be with my own baby. Then I wake up.

Isn't that the weirdest dream? What is so strange to me is that I have had it on more than one occasion, and it is always so vivid. I can remember the specific people that are in it, the feelings, everything.

Also - an update with my sister. I was planning on writing her a nice e-mail, but I just haven't been able to do it yet. I keep seeing the things she posts and hearing about the things she is saying to my family members. At this point, I don't want to say anything nice to her. I want to make her see that she is bringing this on herself, but I know there is not a way to do that right now. She went and saw her therapist yesterday, and apparently she is going to start taking her meds again, so we'll see. At this point, I feel like I just need to keep my distance before I say anything I might regret.

Monday, September 27, 2010

The Letter From my Sister...

So this is the message that I received from my 18 year old sister yesterday. She also sent it to our two sisters and brother.

"I have decided since you all are against me- and you know you are or else you would not treat me like "crap" to put it VERY lightly; that you all are NOT invited to my wedding, and I want nothing to do with any of you once I am married, because if you really did care about me like how you care for each other (except for me- your freakin sister) then i wouldnt hate you all and wish you were all were never born- like how i know you all wish i was never born because lets face it according to the your "perfect" world i am the "Black sheep" in the family. you are all no longer considered my family UNTIL you can start treating me like i am part of it. For example- the day of my graduation dinner you all ignored me, that is not ok. you all got pissy with me, but when we were at b's freakin graduation dinner everyone was swarming her with attention. you see i feel like i have had to raise myself growing up, and you all have found stupid ways to get my into trouble. honestly i wish i could tell you how i really feel about you, but if i did you all would surely tell your parents about what i said and then i would be homeless, dont ever talk to me again! until like i stated above you can start treating me like part of the family, which knowing all of you wont ever happen, i hope you are happy with what you have done."

To be honest, this letter isn't too upsetting to me. I haven't responded to her yet and I really don't have any plans to right now. What upsets me the most is that she and her bf/fiance are posting things like this on their fb walls. I hate seeing my family thrown under the bus, but I don't know what to say/do. I am worried that anything I say or write will end up causing more problems.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Weekend Getaway and Drama

I feel like I kind of dropped off the face of the earth for the past few days, but it was for a good reason...DH and I were able to get away with some friends for a long weekend! One of our friends won a free stay at a home in St. George, UT and invited us and three other couples to come along. We went down Thursday after work and just got home tonight.

It was so nice to get away...honestly, it was just what I needed! We spent some time at the pool, went to the movies, ate tons of good food, played games, and spent an evening down in Vegas. It was such a carefree time...until...family drama.

DH and I both had family drama issues crop up on our sides of the family. Without going into too many details, I got a fb message from my sister that was sent to my other siblings and me. She basically said that she was disowning us because she thinks that we consider her to be the black sheep of the family. Her boyfriend/fiance also posted some pretty bad things about my family on fb, which were all untrue. I don't know what to do with my sister. She is bipolar, and she apparently hasn't been taking her meds, so it isn't like she is just purposefully trying to be this way. It is so hard to see my family hurt by how she acts, especially when I know it isn't really her.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Meeting Life's Challenges

I was looking through some old papers, and I ran across an old (seriously like ten years old) handout from church that had a really good quote that I thought I would share...hope you enjoy!

"I meet so many people who constantly complain about the burden of their responsibilities. Of course the pressures are great. There is much, too much, to do... Turn your thinking around. The gospel is good news. Man is that he might have joy. Be happy! Let that happiness shine through your faces...

"I enjoy these words of Jenkins Lloyd Jones...

"'Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he's been robbed.

"'Most putts don't drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise.

"'Life is like an old-time rail journey - delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed.

"'The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride."<>

...Gordon B. Hinckley

Monday, September 20, 2010

Nothing New...

There really isn't a whole lot going on with me right now. We had a nice weekend spent with some family and friends. On Saturday, our neighbors invited us over for a murder mystery dinner party. I had never been to one before, so I was pretty excited to try it out. I had to dress as "Clair Voyant", the psychic. I ended up guessing who the murderer was and figuring out all the details around it, which was pretty cool. Or maybe it was just a sign that I have read too many books/seen too many shows like this?

I have been really trying to keep a better attitude the past few days and not allow myself to become so negative. Yesterday was the first test since I had to go to church, and I will say that I noticed a difference. It wasn't that I talked to anyone new or made a new friend or anything like that, but I just didn't feel so down and frustrated like I normally do after church.

Also, we haven't had any more e-mails from our adoption profiles, and I never heard back from either of the girls who e-mailed us before. It was fun and exciting to get two e-mails within a week of each other, so it kind of sucks now to not have anything. Oh well, at least I know our profile is being seen, right?

Thursday, September 16, 2010

I Feel SO Whiney!

I have been feeling like a downer lately. I think it started a few weeks ago when DH and I decided it wasn't in our budget for me to go to Boston with my sister next month. I understand the reasoning behind it, and I think that it makes sense for us to try to be saving more than we are spending right now. But, I just feel so trapped and burned out. I feel burned out from IF, but also just from life in general.

I think that for so long I had focused on IF, and now that we are trying to adopt and it isn't completely consuming my life right now, I just feel drained and exhausted. Granted, I am still tired of feeling like I am not in control of IF/adoption/life in general, but I just feel tired in general. I think that this has made me have much less tolerance for other things in life. I am tired of not being able to plan things more than a few months in advance. I am bored with work. I am tired of not fitting in at family functions. I don't feel like I am growing and progressing in life. And, as much as I hate to even admit this, I am burned out with church.

Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy my job. I work with great people, my job is super flexible, and I have been there long enough (7+ years!) to have earned some seniority. I feel like I have a really good job for a 27 year old. The problem is, I am bored with my job – it just doesn't stimulate me anymore and I don't feel like I am growing and learning. There have been a few times I have thought about finding a new job, but the problem is that it just doesn't make sense for me to do that. I have sick time, vacation days, and FMLA saved up in case I ever have the privilege of taking maternity leave. My boss has already told me that I can reduce my hours to whatever I want them to be once we have a baby. It doesn't make sense to walk away from that. What if I leave, we get a baby, and then I can't take any time off? Or, what if I stay, and I don't get a baby for a really long time? I know that what I should do is just talk to my boss and ask for an extra project or something to keep me busy. Deep down, I really don't want to leave. I just need a change.

As for church – it isn't an option in my mind for me to change wards (congregations) or just stop going. I know that it would make me feel guilty and I would end up feeling worse. Here is the situation: in my church, most of the adult members have something called "callings". It is basically an assignment that church members are given to do various jobs within the church. Everything is done on a volunteer basis – none of our clergy is paid. For example, we have Sunday school teachers, teachers for the children's classes, teachers that work with the youth, others that help maintain church records, some who do secretary work, etc. My calling right now is to play the piano during Primary (which is where the children meet together). Our church meets together for three hours every week. One hour is called Sacrament Meeting and everyone in the ward meets together. During the other two hours, everyone breaks out into groups based on age. I spend the last two hours of church in Primary. DH and I have been going to our ward for three years, and I have been serving in primary for two years, ten months. Because of this, I feel like I haven't been able to develop any friendships with the people in my ward. I know some of the adults because I have worked with their children, but it isn't anything more than an acquaintance. I used to love going to church, but now I just feel lonely. I don't have friends to talk to; all I see is families and babies and pg women. I would love to make friends in the ward, but it just isn't happening. I don't have the excuse of being new in the ward, so it is just awkward. I know that this is a lot of explanation for something like this, but if you aren't LDS, I think that it can be hard to understand.

I have tried telling DH how I feel burned out and trapped and all of these other feelings, but he just doesn't understand. He will listen to me, and then say something like "Well, you are just going to be even more tied down once we have a baby". True, but it will be different. Like I said, I think that a big reason that I feel this way is because I am so worn out from IF. Even though adoption won't take away IF, it will at least allow me to experience motherhood. He tries to understand, but he just doesn't quite get it.

I started reading "Eat Pray Love" a few weeks ago and I have really been trying to glean some personal insights from it. I am at the part where she is in India, and there was a part that I read last night that really resonated with me. It says:

"There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under my jurisdiction. There are certain lottery tickets I can buy, thereby increasing my odds of finding contentment. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I eat and read and study. I can choose how I'm going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life – whether I will see them as curses or opportunities (and on the occasions when I can't rise to the most optimistic viewpoint, because I'm feeling two damn sorry for myself, I can choose to keep trying to change my outlook). I can choose my words and the tone of voice I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts".

So this is what I will focus on. I can decide how I spend my time, what I think, what I put in my mouth, how I treat my husband/family/friends. Even though it sometimes seems like there is so much that I can't control, I can focus on the many things that I do have a say over. I know that it will be hard and there will definitely be days when I fail miserable, but I can keep trying.

If you are still reading this, thanks for listening to me vent. J

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Online Dating

I have decided that adoption is a lot like online dating. You make a profile that advertises all of your best qualities and makes you look like an awesome, fun person. After all, everything is relying on this most-important first impression. More than likely, you have scoped out your "competition" and have compared your profile against theirs. Once your profile has gone live, you hope that the right person is looking at your profile and you wonder how long it will take to get any responses. The only difference with adoption is that there are no profiles for you to be out searching...you have to wait for people to come to you! When you do get an e-mail, you have to remind yourself that it is nothing serious and chances are that it will take a while before you find "the one". So, you keep plugging along, checking your profile, scoping the competition, and hoping that someone finds you before you drive yourself too crazy!

**************************************************
Yesterday, I went to lunch with one of my good childhood friends, M. M and I have known each other since elementary school and we grew up in the same neighborhood and went to the same church. M is also one of my few IRL friends who has gone through IF. I know that she and her DH have been trying for at least a year longer than my DH and I have been TTC. It was SO nice to be able to talk to someone IRL who totally understands what it is like and is in such a similar situation. M and her DH are deciding whether to do IVF or pursue adoption, so maybe we will be adopting together!

Sunday, September 12, 2010

27 Candles

I turned 27 on Friday. All things considered, it was a pretty good day. I had to work, but some of my coworkers surprised me with one of those yummy Costco cakes. After work, DH and I got together with some of our friends and went out to dinner. After dinner, we came back to our house and had cake, ice cream, and played games. Last night, DH and I went to dinner with his dad and step-mom, and tonight, we are getting together with my family. My sister's birthday is today, and my other sister's birthday is tomorrow, so this time of year is always busy with birthdays!

DH gave be Photoshop for my birthday, so I am so excited to try it out! I have been wanting it for a while, so it should be fun to play with. Not that I am that great of a photographer...but hopefully this will make it look like I have more talent! :)

I decided that I want to set some goals for myself this year. I realize that most people set their goals at the beginning of the calendar year, but I want to set mine at my birthday. The reason why is that for the past few years, I have always thought "By my next birthday, I will be a mom or at least be pg". And then the next birthday comes along, I am not a mom, and I feel like I failed and am disappointed that I am not where I wanted to be in life. So, I decided to set some goals that I can at least have some control over and accomplish. I have chosen three goals for myself, and they are:

  1. Run the Utah Ragnar - This is a 188 mile relay run from Logan, UT to Park City, UT. Each team has twelve members and each runner runs three legs of the race, and each leg ranges from 3 - 8 miles. I am already signed up with a team, so I just need to keep training so that I can keep up and not hold my team back.
  2. Get back to my "wedding day" size - hopefully training for the Ragnar will help with this.
  3. Learn a new language - I have tried learning Spanish a few times, so I want to stick with it enough to actually learn it this time.

Now, even if I am not pg or don't have a baby by the time I turn 28, I will at least be able to look back at the past year and remember the things that I worked to accomplish.

Yesterday I was soaking in the tub and it finally hit me that we have had another loss, and that we have probably had so many others that we didn't even know about it. Even though I have suspected it before, it was like it kind of sunk in. I kind of broke down and got really frustrated and angry. Why do my babies never get a chance at life? Why don't we get a chance to be parents? I believe that we are given trials for a reason, and obviously this is the trial that is teaching me the most, but it is so hard. So much of my church, community, and extended family focuses on having children and families, and I just feel like a failure sometimes. I know (or at least am hoping) that one day in the future, I will be able to look back on this time in my life and say that the pain was all worth it, because it taught me so much and I have my children. I know that I am not the only person going through trials, and that some people definitely have harder trials than what I am facing, but sometimes it just seems so hard. It is hard to see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and sometimes I feel like I am so far in, that it is hard to remember what the light at the beginning of the tunnel even looked like.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Chemical

AF arrived this morning. On my birthday. Thank you so much, mother nature, for making sure I had an extra special day today. Would it have been too much to ask that you either came on time or an extra day late so that I didn't have to worry about it today?

I am counting this as a chemical pregnancy. At least I know that DH and I are doing everything right, so that hopefully if there is ever a good egg that comes along, we can hopefully take advantage and catch it. It is kind of validating to know that yes, I have had pregnancies besides my first m/c, even though my normal OB seemed pretty doubtful.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

I Don't Know What to Think

I think that AF might be late, but I'm not positive, since I stopped tracking my ovulation. I've had some occasional cramping and light spotting, but no other symptoms to suggest she is on her way. I decided to POAS this morning and it was negative, except that there was a few pixels (maybe ten or so) that showed up in the second line. Not enough to call it a line or say it was positive, but enough for me to question. My guess is that I got pg, it was a bad egg, my period will start in a few days, but there was just enough hormone to show a trace of a second line. I am not really counting this as a potential loss, but part of me wonders if this is more proof of my chromosome condition. I know that nothing will come of this....maybe AF is just waiting to visit until tomorrow for a birthday surprise.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Another E-Mail

I still haven't heard anything from the birth mom (bm) who e-mailed us last week, but this morning I saw that I had an e-mail from a different bm, S! S is almost 21 and is 8 weeks pg. She said that she and her bf have decided that now is not a good time for them to be parents, especially since they don't always get along. She started looking at profiles, and ours was one of the ones that stood out to her. I e-mailed her back today, so we'll see if we get a reply. Like I said before, I am not getting my hopes up, but it is so exciting that our profile is getting viewed and that we have had two inquiries in less than a week!

Monday, September 6, 2010

Update and Labor Day Weekend

First, DH and I e-mailed M back on Thursday, and I haven't heard anything yet. However, I did use my work e-mail, so hopefully I will have a response waiting for me when I get to work tomorrow! I am not counting on it, but I would love it if it happened.

DH and I spent our Labor Day weekend camping with his extended family (as in like 40 or so people). I wasn't really too excited to go camping, but DH really wanted to go. I don't mind hanging out with his family, but I just wasn't looking forward to spending my weekend camping.

Anyway, I tried to go with a good attitude, but maybe it is a bad omen when the first thing that is said to you when you get out of the car is "I don't know if C told you, but I am 14 weeks pg". This was said to us by the wife of DH's cousin who was living with us until they got married this past March. I am guessing that this is a surprise pregnancy, because she told us "When you don't have sex until you get married, you end up having sex a lot after". Too bad it isn't that easy for everyone!

Because of this pg announcement, I was the only wife there who wasn't pg or didn't already have kids. It seemed like every conversation with the girls my age revolved around kids or being pg. I honestly felt like I didn't belong/fit in because I had nothing to contribute to the conversation. It wasn't anything that DH's family did wrong, but it was a constant reminder to me that I have failed at getting KU. Several people asked me about our adoption proceedings and it was nice to have them so genuinely interested, but at the same time, it would have been nice to be able to talk with people about things besides the adoption. I mean, there is more to me than that, right?

I kind of had a little breakdown last night in our tent, but lucky for me, I have become a pro at hiding my feelings when I am having a hard time. It sucks that this is the one thing I have learned to succeed at, but I didn't want to ruin DH's weekend. I did tell him a little bit about how I felt like I didn't fit in anywhere because of IF and not having kids, and he just made a joke of it by saying "Well, you seem to fit in with L". L is DH's six year old cousin.

So, I wouldn't say that I had a bad time camping, but it wasn't as fun as I was hoping for. I have always had such fun times with DH's family...I hate having to worry now that maybe I will feel out of place. Hopefully I was just having a rough day and I will be able to feel differently next time.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Oh My Goodness!!!

I am NOT getting my hopes up or thinking that this could really be it, BUT I received an e-mail today from a birth mother who saw our profile and wants to get to know us better!

Here is a copy of her e-mail:

I found your profile on itsaboutlove and was very intrigued by you and your words. This is truly a difficult situation but I know that this is the best choice for my baby and myself. I have read your profile and looked at your blog and I feel I have gotten to know you a little better. I am curious as to why you have chosen adoption and would like to know a little more about the process you have been through and how it has affected/changed your lives. Sincerely, M

DH and I are planning on writing back to her today. I am so excited and nervous! I know that I can't count on her to pick us or that things could really progress this fast, but it is nice to know that people are viewing our profile and that we do look appealing to someone! :) I will keep you posted and wish me luck!!!

Monday, August 30, 2010

4 Years!

DH and I celebrated our anniversary this weekend, and I honestly can't believe that four years have already come and gone! It seems like just yesterday that we were just friends, hanging out with everyone else.

Our anniversary was a little low-key, but it was really nice that way. It made it easier to focus on each other and enjoy each other's company. On Saturday, we went out to eat at a restaurant called The Roof. It overlooks the place where we got married and offers a beautiful view of the city, which was nice and quite romantic. We had such a good time reminiscing about the past four years and sharing our hopes for the future. We both made comments about how even though our journey has been a little different than we thought it would be when we first were married, we are so grateful that we could share it with each other.

Our actual anniversary was on Sunday. Instead of going out on Sunday, I made a fancier dinner for us to enjoy at home. DH gave me a beautiful bouquet of roses and we exchanged gifts. It was pretty relaxing, but still nice. It was nice to not have any distractions and really just enjoy the time we had to spend with each other.

Although I didn't let myself dwell on it too much, this weekend also marked when we would have had a one year old child if it weren't for the m/c. HOWEVER, I have been doing so good at moving away from the what-ifs lately, and so it wasn't too hard. Of course I wonder how things would have been if we were celebrating a birthday, but it wasn't as painful as it could have been.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Our Visit with the Genetic Counselor

Our visit with the genetic counselor went really well today. She didn't really share any new information with me (thanks to my personal research), but it helped confirm what I had learned and I think it was helpful for DH.

The counselor said that we have three choices for having a biological pregnancy: continue trying on our own, do IVF, or do IVF with PGD. Our other choices for children are egg donation, embryo adoption, and traditional adoption.

She also explained more about how the chromosome insertion works and why it is so hard for us to have a healthy baby. She confirmed that couples in our situation probably conceive a baby many times without ever knowing it/getting a positive pregnancy test. We also learned that the chances of us getting a baby from IVF with PGD are about 40%. There is definitely a chance that we could do IVF and get ZERO embryos that survive. The good thing is that if we do manage to get KU, we can probably safely say that if we make it to the second trimester, we will *probably* make it to full term and have a healthy baby without any birth defects. I asked the counselor if there are ever any studies with IVF and PGD for people like me, and she said not really, but she would still check to see if there was anything out there that we would qualify for.

So, even though we didn't learn much, I am still glad that we went to this appointment. I think that it reaffirmed that we are both comfortable with our plan. Hopefully we will get a baby to adopt without too long of a wait, and if we get KU, then that would be great!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

It Feels Strange...

Now that we are approved with our adoption agency and are waiting to be chosen by a birth mom, I don't really feel like I have a lot to say. It seems like things with TTC have slowed WAY down. It is nice, but it is also really strange. It is strange to see EWCM and think that I am Oing, yet not stress about BD at the right time. It is strange to not be tracking by BBT or to not automatically know what CD I am on. Like I said, it is nice in some ways because there isn't that stress hanging over you and I find that I am not constantly over-analyzing every "symptom" that I may have, but it is still strange.

DH and I have started looking online and doing some window shopping for baby items. It feels weird to be talking about what crib to buy or which stroller is best when I am not pregnant. Sometimes I feel like an outsider when I am looking through the baby section, and I just have to remind myself that I have every right to be there, because one day (hopefully in the near future) I am going to need all of this stuff. My question is, if you went through/are going through adoption, how early on did you start buying baby stuff? Part of me wants to start getting things now, but I am nervous that maybe we won't need it for a while. What if we buy it, and then it takes years for us to get a baby? Or what if they come out with newer/better products? What if we don't buy anything, and then we get a call saying that we have a baby and we are unprepared? Any advice would be helpful!

Also, DH and I are FINALLY going to our appointment with the genetics counselor on Thursday. I have been waiting for this appointment ever since we got my chromosome test results in May. I am not thinking that this appointment will change any of our plans, but it will still be good to have the information and feel like we are moving forward with as much knowledge as possible. I will post about the appointment later this week.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

ICLW, Update, and Photos

Happy ICLW! I always look forward to this week every month. If you want to read my full story, click on the "Our Story" tab...in a nutshell, we just got our official approval for adoption a few weeks ago and are now waiting to be chosen by a birth mom. We are hoping the wait isn't too long, although I think that DH is worried that it will also come too fast!

Not much is new with us in the IF front. I had to redo the hard copies of our profile for our agency (I made them 12x12 and they apparently needed to be 8.5x11), so we can now be shown to birth parents that come into the office. I also decided to make a profile at http://www.hopingtoadopt.org/ since I had a voucher for two free months. Besides that, there really isn't much going on right now.

Last weekend, DH and I went up to Island Park, ID with his family for a mini-vacation. We all stayed in a cabin, road our 4-wheelers, and DH and I went up to Yellowstone. I thought that I would post some of my favorite pictures from the trip:

Scenery in Island Park

DH during a 4-wheeling break

More Island Park Scenery...we found this during one of our rides

DH and me in Yellowstone

Old Faithful

Waiting to see Old Faithful

While we were out riding, we found this old fenced in area - it looked like an abandoned cattle pen. When we got closer, we found a sign saying that it had been a train station in 1906-1907 to take people to Yellowstone. This picture was taken in front of the old ticket booth.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Welcome to my World

This past weekend, DH and I headed up to Island Park, ID with his family (his mom, step-dad, brother, SIL, and grandparents). Naturally, we expected to receive a few questions about our adoption progress. But then it started to seem like EVERY question was related to our adoption plans...How soon will you get a baby? Do you want a boy or a girl? What race are you willing to adopt? What if you are placed with a baby that isn't a newborn? What if you get a baby in two weeks? A lot of the questions were repeated, because one family member would ask, and then someone else who wasn't there would ask again.

We were handling the questions okay until we got into a lengthy discussion about adoption and breastfeeding. I had briefly mentioned something about it to my SIL, and she happened to have a nutrition book that she was reading that had some information in it. Eventually, the entire family got into a huge debate about whether we should try and breastfeed. My BIL and SIL were definitely in favor (they have a baby that they just weaned from breastfeeding), and soon almost everyone was saying that we should try and do it. DH started to get really upset because he felt like everyone was trying to be the "expert" and tell us what we should do. He hated that everyone kept asking us questions and bringing up the adoption, when some of their questions were personal. I didn't feel like it was that big of a deal, until I realized that this is what it is like going through IF.

I explained to DH that this is what it feels like to live with IF. Everyone seems to know what is best for you and has a suggestion on what will/will not work. You get the same questions over and over, and nobody minds their own business. DH asked me why I don't just tell people to "Effe off and mind their own business", but I told him that wouldn't help anything. People are just trying to be nice, even if it comes out wrong.

Fortunately, DH cooled off and we were able to enjoy the rest of our weekend. I think that it was a little eye opening for him to see a part of IF that he hadn't really experienced before.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Paper Pregnant!

I just got the call from the caseworker - and we have OFFICIALLY BEEN APPROVED! She said that our profile will go online this afternoon. I am so excited and also feel a huge sense of relief! It is nice to be at this point and to just be waiting. We are headed out of town with family for a long weekend, and I am looking forward to relaxing and not worrying about paperwork.

The only crappy thing is that I found out that I have to redo the hard copies of our profile. We were told to make two scrapbook pages and to put our birth parent letter on two pages, for a total of four pages. Then, we needed to have five copies total. So, I spent HOURS making our pages and spent more money than I was planning on for scrapbook supplies. Come to find out that the pages were supposed to be 8.5x11 and ours are 12x12. I need to pick those up from the agency and make new ones, but that will wait until next week.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Updated Birth Parent Letter

After getting some feedback from our caseworker, we decided to make some changes to our birth parent letter. Here is the finished product:

Hello!

Thank you so much for taking a minute to get to know our family better. We realize that the challenges you are facing while making decisions about the future for you and your sweet baby must be very difficult, and we admire the courage that you have. Even though we haven’t met you yet, we talk of you often and are excited to meet you. Hopefully this letter will give you a glimpse of our family.

We met while attending the same single’s ward in 2005. We quickly became best friends, although M wished that things would move beyond just friendship. Many of our friends joke about how M would try and persuade L to date him, and she would find ways to get out of it. L eventually came around, and we began to date in 2006. We became a family of two when we were married August 29, 2006. Although we have had a lot of fun together over the past few years, we are looking forward to becoming a family of three. The good thing about being best friends before we dated is that we were able to see each other in so many different situations without the stresses that a relationship can bring. We were able to truly get to know each other, and we attribute this to how strong our marriage is now.

We like to have a lot of fun! Some of our favorite activities include boating, riding 4-wheelers, camping, traveling, watching movies, and spending time with family and friends. We also both love music (M plays the drums and L plays the piano) and we love to go to concerts together. Once, we even had the opportunity to attend the CMT Music Award Show in Nashville! During the week, we typically spend our evenings at home, and then on the weekend, we will go on a date, go out to dinner, or get together with friends for food, fun, and a lot of laughter.

We both come from large families that play important parts in our lives. M has two brothers and one sister; L has three sisters and one brother; and we both have large extended families. We enjoy spending time with our families…some of the things we do together include playing games, date nights, camping, and travel. Earlier this year, we took a vacation to Charleston, South Carolina and Nashville, Tennessee with both sides of our family. We also have monthly family dinners with each side of our families and will often get together with them for summer barbeques, to celebrate birthdays, or just to hang out.

More about M, as told by L:
M is the oldest of four children. He was born and raised in Utah. Growing up, M enjoyed playing the drums, and has played in several local bands, including one that had a song on the radio. M also has a passion for mustangs and racing cars. Before we got married, he rebuilt a Mustang and turned it into a racecar. One of M’s current interests is riding his 4-wheelers and his favorite place to go riding is the Sand Dunes. Before M’s brother left on his mission, they loved to take 4-wheeling trips together. Now that he is gone, M has been patiently trying to teach me to ride so that I can be his riding buddy. M works as a manager at a credit union.

I can honestly say that M is my best friend. Even though it frustrated him at the time, I am so grateful that we were able to become such good friends before we started dating and got married. One thing about M that impressed me before we started dating was how kind he is to his family. I remember him being so concerned about his family members and being willing to put them as a priority when they were struggling. I realized that this quality would make M both a good husband and father. I know that I can count on M to help me with anything that I need, and I know that he will show this same love to our future children.

M also has a great sense of humor and is definitely a tease. Before we got married, M’s family used to say how lucky he was to find someone that could put up with his teasing, and I always wondered what they were talking about…now I know! Whether he is laughing about something that happened at work or teasing me about something at home, M is able to bring such a fun atmosphere into our home and I love that I can count on him to keep me on my toes.

More about L, as told by M:
I love my dear L. You will find that L is very kind hearted and willing to do anything to help someone make their life a little bit better. Her genuine heart pays great dividends to those around her. L was shy the first time I met her. As time went by, we became great friends and spent most days of the week doing fun things. L always made hanging out fun as she would have creative activities. L planned a fun camping activity up by Snowbird Ski Resort with a bunch of friends that was one of the most memorable times we had as friends. When I was seriously pursuing L, we also went as a group of friends to Disneyland. As we were getting on “It’s a small world”, one of my guy friends ended up sitting next to her on the little boat which made me very jealous. I had to fight with everything I had to win L’s heart.

They often say that finding the perfect person to marry is impossible. To me, L is the impossible and is perfect to me in every way. I often tease her about how smart she is. When she got her master’s degree, it seemed more like a hobby than school work. She loved every bit of it and we joked that she would need to go on to get her PhD.

L is the oldest of five children. She was born in Southern California and moved to Utah when she was three. L learned to play the piano when she was younger, and still enjoys playing today. L also loves to cook, make crafts, read, and travel. Some of her goals include composing piano music and visiting every continent (except Antarctica, she hates the cold). L works as a nurse; she chose nursing because she knew it would be flexible when she became a mom.

L has great respect from all her family members. They will ask for her advice to help with life’s everyday challenges. Lisa is a role model to her younger siblings and inspires them to become better people.

Another important member of our family is our dog, Faline. She is a miniature pinscher and she has been part of our family since November 2006. We named our dog Faline after one of the characters in the movie “Bambi” because she reminds us of a small deer. She can be a little sassy at times, but she is also very loving and loyal. She is great at giving us “loves” (her way of giving a hug). She loves to spend time with us, our family and friends, and go for jogs with L. We often joke that Faline has been an “only child” for too long and that she is overdue to be a big sister.

Thanks for taking the time to get to know us; we would love to get to know you! We realize that you are faced with some difficult decisions, but please know that we are thinking of you and truly admire your courage. If you would like to get to know us better, please feel free to check out our blog: or e-mail us at.

Love,
M, L, and Faline

Monday, August 2, 2010

Breaking Up

Have you ever realized that you needed to end a relationship, but there was a part of you that didn’t want to? Maybe it was with a boyfriend who you had been with for a long time, and even though you knew things were over and it was time to move on, you didn’t want to leave the comfort of familiar relationship. I have decided that is how things are with my relationship with infertility. It is time to cut the ties and move forward. I know it will be hard now, but it will mean that there are better things to come in the future. This is my break-up letter with infertility.

Dear Infertility,

You and I have been together for quite some time, but it is time for us to move our separate ways. Although I have learned a lot from you, you are hazardous to my emotional well being. I can’t keep waiting for you to change. You are holding me back, and it is time for me to start moving forward again.

You have given me so many empty promises. You strung me along, month to month – each time making me believe that maybe “this could be the month”, but you never came through. Instead, you broke my heart each time, but made me believe that things could change in the future. I can’t be involved with something that is so unreliable and so inconsiderate. I can’t keep being strung along, when I know that you will never change. You aren’t good for me anymore.

I know that it will be hard to leave you. There will be days when I miss the structure of testing and charting and the brief hope that I get when I wonder if there is a new life inside of me. I will grieve over what I have lost and the unfulfilled hopes and dreams that I carry with me. There will be times when I will wonder if I made the right decision to move forward with my life, and if I had stuck around, if you would have changed and things would have been different. But, I need to do this for me. I can’t keep waiting. I know that like any break-up, this will be hard, but things will get easier. In time, I will look back at this part of my life and be grateful for what I learned. I believe that someday in the future, I will be so grateful that I had the courage to move on, because I believe that there are better things in store for me.

I know that we have many mutual friends and acquaintances, so I expect that we will run into each other, and that is okay. Be kind to my friends – they don’t deserve the same treatment that you have given me. All I ask is that you try to respect where I am at in my life and the decision that I have made to move forward. Please don’t try and convince me to come back, because coming back is not what is best for me.


Love,
Browniris