Thursday, December 31, 2009
Things started at about 2:00 AM when I woke up because my phone had a text message. I saw the text was from my cousin and in my half-sleep mind, decided to go back to bed without checking it. When I got up later to get ready for work, I had completely forgotten about the text. I rushed out the door to try and get to work without too many problems, since it was snowing fairly heavily. When I was driving to work, I got a call from my mom. Since it was snowing and the roads were slick, I decided that I would just call her back when I made it in. When I finally listened to my mom's voicemail and checked my cousin's text, I learned that my grandmother had fallen in the night and shattered her shoulder. While it is bad for anyone to break their shoulder, it is especially bad for my grandma because she has mild dementia, and something like this could make it a lot worse.
Later that afternoon, I decided to call DH to figure out what our plans were for the night. My FIL had given us tickets to see a play, but I wasn't sure if DH still wanted to go because of the snow and we would have to drive up the canyon to see it. DH didn't answer his desk phone, so I decided to try his cell. Usually, I would just leave a message and call it good without calling another number, but I am glad that I called his cell this time! When DH finally picked up, he said that he was going to the hospital because he was feeling really dizzy and having some heart palpitations. I left work early so that I could be with him while he was in the ER. DH is diabetic and ever since he had some blood work done a few weeks ago which showed he needs to step up his diet/exercise, he has been paranoid that something bad will happen.
Fortunately, everything with DH and my grandma turned out okay. My grandma needed a total shoulder replacement, but her surgery went really well. The ER said that DH might have felt dizzy from his blood sugar, and that there was nothing suggesting that he was experiencing any heart problems. They thought that his chest pain could have been from the exercise he started doing this past week. He gets to follow-up with his doctor on Monday, but at least everything turned out okay!
Sunday, December 27, 2009
I decided to take Christmas Eve off of work. I was really looking forward to having the house to myself and being able to do what I wanted to do. My day was pretty low-key...I did some housework and watched TV until DH came home from work (he got off at 2:00). Later, we headed over to my parent's house to spend the night with them. My family has had a tradition for as long as I can remember where we drive around after dinner to look at the neighborhood Christmas lights. It is such a simple tradition, but I always look forward to it. After that, we read a Christmas book and played some games before everyone headed for bed.
At this point, I recalled that I had a peak on my CBEFM that morning and still had EWCM. DH and I had BD the night before, so I was trying to decide whether I thought it was okay to let things go for another day or if we needed to BD again. I decided to error on the side of caution and convinced DH that we needed to BD again...in the family room AT MY PARENT'S HOUSE! Never in a million years did I think that I would be BD at my parent's house...it was kind of weird, but also kind of fun to be so sneaky!
We spent Christmas morning with my family. DH spoiled me this year...he gave me a new wool coat, a gift card to go to the spa, a cook book, Jazz basketball tickets, and a license plate cover. After we finished up at my parent's house, we went over to visit my MIL. Things were going great over there until DH's brother and his wife arrived with their baby (my niece and my MIL's only grandchild). MIL proceeded to give my niece tons of gifts (which I expected and am TOTALLY fine with), but then started talking about how she has to spoil my niece because she doesn't have any other grandkids, how she would really appreciate having some more, yadda yadda yadda. DH and I kept making comments about how we are "working on it" , but really? Why would she even make comments like that? She knows that we had a m/c, have been TTC for a long time, and that we have started undergoing fertility testing. It's not like we have been sitting around and not being proactive about starting a family. Needless to say, I left her house in a less than cheerful mood. It can be so hard pretending that it is easy being around babies and pg women, and as I have said before, this Christmas has been especially hard.
After we were done at my mil's house, we headed over to DH's grandma's house to see her and DH's dad. Once again, my niece got pretty spoiled, but at least there were no comments as to why there was only one grandchild to spoil. Also, my FIL and his wife gave me a new Coach bag, so I left that family gathering in a better mood.
After that, DH and I decided to head home. We were both exhausted and ready to relax. We watched a movie, then just decided to go to bed.
All in all, it was a very fun Christmas! I just hope that by Christmas next year, I have been able to fulfill my MIL's wish!!!
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
I usually O on day 14, but the past few cycles haven't been until CD 18. I am not sure if it is because of stress or what, but I definitely prefer a CD 14 O. Ever since this cycle started, I have been trying hard to just relax and not dwell as much on TTC. DH and I have been good about BD every other day, and are planning on BD tonight and possibly tomorrow, so hopefully that will be enough. I keep crossing my fingers that I can really take advantage of my increased odds this month and end up with a BFP!
On a bittersweet note, it was exactly one year ago today that I found out I was KU. It was the perfect Christmas present! Hopefully I won't have to wait too long until I see another BFP.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
- This experience is teaching me to better understand others' trials - especially those dealing with infertility/miscarriage. Maybe someday I'll have a daughter who is struggling with TTC and I'll truly be able to understand and help her. When we go through trials, we can become more compassionate because we know what it's like.
- Maybe it's not about me and what I want, but rather that my future children are not finished doing some sort of important work up in heaven. Or maybe they're just not supposed to be born yet. Sounds so obvious and simple, but "when" a person is born determines so much about their lives. I can try to think less about ME and more about the needs of my future children including trying to better prepare our home for them.
- Patience, patience. Here's a quote that she shared:
"Everywhere in nature we are taught the lessons of patience and waiting. We want things a long time before we get them, and the fact that we wanted them a long time makes them all the more precious when they come." (Joseph F. Smith).
Getting my friend's e-mail really helped put things in perspective for me again and realize that it isn't ALL about me. It may be hard to go through this process right now, but hopefully I will come out of it as a better person. I am a firm believer that there is a reason for life and for the trials that we experience. I don't think that things necessarily happen hap-hazardly or that God doesn't care about what we are going through. I just need to suck it up, keep trudging along, and look for ways that I can grow from this experience.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
On Saturday (yesterday) we had two Christmas parties to go to. The first was a family party with my father-on-law's side of the family. There were several family members there that hadn't ever seen my seven month old niece, so she was the center of attention. I love my niece and think she is darling, but it was hard to have everyone go crazy over her when I kept thinking that if things would've turned out, I would have a four month old baby. The family should have all wanted to see my baby, too.
The second party that we went to was with our friends. My good friend that is barely KU, "A", was hosting the party. One of the girls that was there is due with her first baby this week. A lot of the conversation focused on her pregnancy and what it was like. Even though "A" is still keeping her news quiet, she still had a lot of questions for our friend. Even though I really am happy for both of them, it was hard to share their excitement. Later we were playing a game, and I kept having bad luck and drawing the cards that moved me back on the bored. "A" kept joking about all the bad luck I have and "what have you done for karma to screw you over?" and I kept thinking "no kidding".
Tonight we went with my mother-in-law's extended family downtown to look at the Christmas lights. Once again, my niece was there and it seemed like half the night was spent taking pictures of her. It was hard because I kept thinking that I should have a baby there or at least I should have one in my ute.
Maybe this sounds bad, but I honestly cannot wait for the Christmas season to be over. 2009 has been such a crappy year and I am ready for a fresh start. DH and I are pretty religious, and sometimes I wonder how long God is going to make me go through this trial before enough is enough. How much pain do I have to be in? How long do I have to deal with it? I know that there are many people out there who have gone or are going through much worse than we are, but this is seriously so hard for me. Before we started TTC, I used to always think that the one trial I did not want to have to face was infertility. I was so relieved when I got KU so easily, but that relief was obviously premature. There are days when I hate to see pg woman or babies and I feel so bitter...and that is not me. I don't want to be that bitter, jaded person, but sometimes I hurt so bad that I can't help it.
I feel like these feelings of sadness and stress have been a lot worse in the past few days. I think that it is a combination of the time of year and my friends' recent BFPs. I have been trying to do little things to take my mind of TTC (I went to get a pedicure yesterday), but it is always a temporary fix. Today I was trying to remember the last time I really felt carefree and happy, and it has honestly been a long time. How sad is it that I can't hardly even remember when it was???
To top things off, DH's cousin recently moved in with us for a few months. He is getting married in March and his fiance lives near us (he was living about 2-3 hours away). He is a good kid, but I am seriously having a hard time adjusting to someone else in the house. I feel like my routines are all messed up and that I can't just relax when I get home. If I make it to March without going insane, I think it will be a miracle!
Friday, December 18, 2009
When they brought me back for the exam, I was a little disappointed to find out that the person performing the exam was a guy. Even though I was hoping to have a girl perform the exam, he was very professional and did a great job. The most uncomfortable part of the procedure was the speculum, and the entire test was over before I knew it. I was able to see the images from the test right away, and everything looked perfect. Both tubes are open and there were not any abnormalities that could be seen. I should get the final results from my doctor sometime next week, but as of right now, there is nothing to worry about. The tech also said that my chances of conceiving increase by about 20% for the next few months, which is GREAT!!! I can't wait to take advantage of those odds...hopefully that means I will get a BFP soon....wish me luck!!!
Thursday, December 17, 2009
This morning, I got an e-mail from one of the newly pg friends (I'll call her "A") saying that the other newly pg friend ("B") was admitted to the hospital last night for observation because they are pretty sure she has an ectopic pregnancy. It was somewhat expected because B had some spotting and her hormone levels weren't increasing as much as they should be, but still had to hear. As disappointed as I was that I didn't get KU with them, I still didn't want either friend to m/c or have any other problems. I sent B a text and an e-mail with my condolences - I think I will wait to call for a little while since I am pretty sure that she is still in the hospital.
Oh...and by the way, I just found out that yet another friend is expecting again. I am happy for her and it won't be hard to deal with since she lives out of state. But really? Sometimes I just have to wonder what I am doing wrong!
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Speaking of Friday, I am a little nervous for my HSG. I have done a lot of reading about it online, and it seems like the most common complaint is cramping that can be managed with ibuprofen and some mild spotting. I feel like I can manage those symptoms, so I guess what I am most nervous for is the actual procedure and then what the results say. Part of me would almost like them to find something, because then it would explain why I am not pg yet. On the other hand, I obviously don't want there to be any major problems that would hinder our TTC efforts.
Things at work have been very busy this week. I work in healthcare, and it seems like I have been out of the office more than I have been in it lately. I am grateful for my hectic schedule right now because it is keeping me away from my desk and the e-mails my pg friends are sending. I haven't been able (or made a huge effort) to respond quickly, and I think that they are realizing that this is something that I don't want to talk about all the time. I feel a little guilty that I don't have much of a desire to share in their excitement with them, but I don't think that it makes me a bad person. I just hope that my lack of enthusiasm doesn't end up damaging our friendship.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending he didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that he has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine".
But healing is something ongoing
I feel it will take a lifetime.
~ Elizabeth Dent ~
As a side note, today is CD 6. This is always an interesting time in the cycle for me because I am at that stage where I am over the frustration of seeing AF arrive and am somewhat hopeful for the upcoming cycle. Last night, DH asked me when it was time for us to "go to work" this month. I told him that "game day" should be next week, so it never hurts to practice. I am lucky that DH is so supportive through this!
Monday, December 14, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
To start things off, I will share a bit of why I am here. I guess that DH and I haven't technically been diagnosed with infertility, but we are in the beginning phases of testing. Our journey to become parents started in October 2008 when I went off of birth control. I was so excited when December 2008 came around and I got a positive pregnancy test! We found out just in time to share our good news with our families on Christmas. We told everyone that our baby was due to arrive in late August, right around our third wedding anniversary.
The pregnancy seemed to be progressing regularly. I was experiencing all of the traditional first trimester symptoms, and was feeling relieved when I was starting to feel better around week nine. During the nine and a half week mark, DH and I went to our first prenatal check-up. We were so excited to finally see what our baby looked like, and DH was joking about how things would change if there was more than one heartbeat. My doctor did an ultrasound, but said that my uterus seemed small, so she needed to do an intravaginal ultrasound. As soon as she started that, both DH and I could tell that something was wrong. After looking more closely, the doctor said that she could not see a heartbeat and that the baby was measuring about 6 1/2 weeks instead of 9 1/2. She said that there were two possibilities. The first, and more likely, was that the baby had died and I was having a miscarriage. The second was that my dates were three weeks off and that it was barely too soon to see a heartbeat. Two days later, the bleeding and the cramping started. I had regular contractions on my second day of bleeding, and on that day (January 30) I knew that my baby was no longer inside of me.
Going through a miscarriage has been one of the hardest trials that I have had to experience. There were so many raw emotions and so many unanswered questions. It seemed like someone had played a cruel joke on me or pulled the rug out from under my hopes and dreams. Family and friends tried to offer comfort, but their words seemed to do little good to ease the pain. I tried to tell myself that since I had gotten pregnant so easily before, that it would happen again quickly, and perhaps I would still be a mother by the end of the year.
In April 2009, I decided to participate in the Eager Study, which is evaluating the effects of low-dose aspirin on pregnancy and miscarriage. The nurses in the study told me that about 80% of the women in the study got pregnant during the six month participation time frame, and that only about 8% of those had a miscarriage. I had high hopes that I would be part of that 80%, but no such luck. I left the study in October with an empty uterus and more unanswered questions. Why was I able to get pregnant so easily before, and nothing now? After a few phone calls to my doctor, she agreed to some preliminary fertility testing. DH had a semen analysis done, and his results turned out fine. The next step is for me to have a hysterosalpingogram (HSM) done this week.
I realize that our fertility journey has been a lot less painful than what has been experienced by others. I suppose that I should consider myself fortunate that I have only had one miscarriage and that I was able to get pregnant before. However, I still feel an emptiness inside and I know that it won't go away until I see that beating heart on the ultrasound or hold that new baby in my arms. There are times when it is so painful to look around me and see so many other women who are pregnant or have new babies. It is hard to hear stories on the news about babies who are born to families that didn't even want them, when I know that DH and I could give a baby such a good home. I suppose that the only thing to do right now is to try and keep my head up, keep moving forward, and try to have faith that I will eventually get through this trial.