I have been feeling like a downer lately. I think it started a few weeks ago when DH and I decided it wasn't in our budget for me to go to Boston with my sister next month. I understand the reasoning behind it, and I think that it makes sense for us to try to be saving more than we are spending right now. But, I just feel so trapped and burned out. I feel burned out from IF, but also just from life in general.
I think that for so long I had focused on IF, and now that we are trying to adopt and it isn't completely consuming my life right now, I just feel drained and exhausted. Granted, I am still tired of feeling like I am not in control of IF/adoption/life in general, but I just feel tired in general. I think that this has made me have much less tolerance for other things in life. I am tired of not being able to plan things more than a few months in advance. I am bored with work. I am tired of not fitting in at family functions. I don't feel like I am growing and progressing in life. And, as much as I hate to even admit this, I am burned out with church.
Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy my job. I work with great people, my job is super flexible, and I have been there long enough (7+ years!) to have earned some seniority. I feel like I have a really good job for a 27 year old. The problem is, I am bored with my job – it just doesn't stimulate me anymore and I don't feel like I am growing and learning. There have been a few times I have thought about finding a new job, but the problem is that it just doesn't make sense for me to do that. I have sick time, vacation days, and FMLA saved up in case I ever have the privilege of taking maternity leave. My boss has already told me that I can reduce my hours to whatever I want them to be once we have a baby. It doesn't make sense to walk away from that. What if I leave, we get a baby, and then I can't take any time off? Or, what if I stay, and I don't get a baby for a really long time? I know that what I should do is just talk to my boss and ask for an extra project or something to keep me busy. Deep down, I really don't want to leave. I just need a change.
As for church – it isn't an option in my mind for me to change wards (congregations) or just stop going. I know that it would make me feel guilty and I would end up feeling worse. Here is the situation: in my church, most of the adult members have something called "callings". It is basically an assignment that church members are given to do various jobs within the church. Everything is done on a volunteer basis – none of our clergy is paid. For example, we have Sunday school teachers, teachers for the children's classes, teachers that work with the youth, others that help maintain church records, some who do secretary work, etc. My calling right now is to play the piano during Primary (which is where the children meet together). Our church meets together for three hours every week. One hour is called Sacrament Meeting and everyone in the ward meets together. During the other two hours, everyone breaks out into groups based on age. I spend the last two hours of church in Primary. DH and I have been going to our ward for three years, and I have been serving in primary for two years, ten months. Because of this, I feel like I haven't been able to develop any friendships with the people in my ward. I know some of the adults because I have worked with their children, but it isn't anything more than an acquaintance. I used to love going to church, but now I just feel lonely. I don't have friends to talk to; all I see is families and babies and pg women. I would love to make friends in the ward, but it just isn't happening. I don't have the excuse of being new in the ward, so it is just awkward. I know that this is a lot of explanation for something like this, but if you aren't LDS, I think that it can be hard to understand.
I have tried telling DH how I feel burned out and trapped and all of these other feelings, but he just doesn't understand. He will listen to me, and then say something like "Well, you are just going to be even more tied down once we have a baby". True, but it will be different. Like I said, I think that a big reason that I feel this way is because I am so worn out from IF. Even though adoption won't take away IF, it will at least allow me to experience motherhood. He tries to understand, but he just doesn't quite get it.
I started reading "Eat Pray Love" a few weeks ago and I have really been trying to glean some personal insights from it. I am at the part where she is in India, and there was a part that I read last night that really resonated with me. It says:
"There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under my jurisdiction. There are certain lottery tickets I can buy, thereby increasing my odds of finding contentment. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I eat and read and study. I can choose how I'm going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life – whether I will see them as curses or opportunities (and on the occasions when I can't rise to the most optimistic viewpoint, because I'm feeling two damn sorry for myself, I can choose to keep trying to change my outlook). I can choose my words and the tone of voice I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts".
So this is what I will focus on. I can decide how I spend my time, what I think, what I put in my mouth, how I treat my husband/family/friends. Even though it sometimes seems like there is so much that I can't control, I can focus on the many things that I do have a say over. I know that it will be hard and there will definitely be days when I fail miserable, but I can keep trying.
If you are still reading this, thanks for listening to me vent. J
