When we first adopted J, we weren't really sure what to expect in the way of post-placement communication. When K first decided to place J, she wasn't even aware that open adoption was an option, let alone face-to-face visits or anything like that. DH and I told K that we were flexible and were willing to play things by ear based on what she wanted. We eventually settled into a pattern of me e-mailing her a picture and quick update once a week.
Our communication from K has never been very consistent, but we used to get e-mails from her once or twice a month. However, we haven't heard anything from her since we went to dinner with her over President's Day weekend. I know that is only two months ago, but if you figure that J is only five months old, that is a big chunk of his life! There have been a couple of times when I have asked her specific questions in my e-mails, such as wondering if J's biological dad was tall and thin (like J), but I haven't received a response.
In my last e-mail, I decided to ask K if she is okay with going to monthly e-mails, and I still haven't heard anything from her. It makes me wonder if she is even reading my e-mails anymore. I am glad that she seems to be moving on, but in some ways, it makes me a little sad for J. I feel bad that there will only be a little bit of information about K that we will be able to share with him, and that if things keep going the way they are, that he will never be able to meet her in person. At first I thought I would be grateful for a more closed adoption, but now I worry because I don't want J to feel bad about anything. I know that it will be up to DH and me to teach him about how he came to be part of our family, how much K loved him, and how special he is to us...I just feel bad that I don't think K will be as big of a part of that as I had originally thought.
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Hey, as I am reading a lot about adoption right now myself (moving on that path) it seems normal that moms want to pull a way for a bit, but I bet she will come back around later. She probably just needs to be a little more independent for now, to heal a bit.
ReplyDeleteIt must be so hard to not hear from K, and to wonder if she is even reading your e-mails. For all the reasons you mentioned, I hope that she will be able to stay in touch on some level, even if it's much less frequent than you had hoped for. Like Jess said, maybe she is just pulling away for a bit now, and will want more contact again in the future.
ReplyDeleteBut whatever happens, I'm sure you will do everything you can to make sure J knows how much he was loved, both by you and by K.
No matter what, J will know how much you two love him.
ReplyDeleteI do hope you hear from K and can find a way going forward to keep in contact.
Pez
It is sad, but i can imagine after giving up your baby it's hard to have a weekly reminder of the life your missing out on. I hope that she will at least communicate what it is she wants - maybe monthly or every three months communication? I hope that she will be back in J's life somehow, but no matter what she does, he will have you and your husband and know that he is loved by you and by K. It's got to be difficult though, I can't imagine.
ReplyDeleteI hope you are able to maintain contact...perhaps she is having too difficult of a time handling it? Maybe she needs the distance right now...open adoption is hard I imagine. Well, any is, but I could see her thinking she can't do it. But I hope she resumes contact!
ReplyDeleteMy son came to us through the foster care system. He turned 3 on April 8, and hasn't had any contact with his birth parents since before his first birthday... I know that every family dynamic is different, but understand that he'll be okay. You are his mom, he will always know that. If she decides later on that she is able to maintain a relationship, then that's great. But don't beat yourself up over any of it and try not to feel too bad for little J. He'll grow up to be an amazing man no matter what.
ReplyDeleteI worry about our situation a lot too. I pray about it more than worry. We have no contact with Ellie's birth parents...that's what they want. We send pics and letters to our agency and if they ever decide they want them, our agency will forward them on. We didn't even meet them. We were prepared for an open adoption. I know someday Ellie will question things no matter how wonderful we are. My heart just breaks a little bit for her.
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