I have been debating over the past few days whether I wanted to write this post. I REALLY do not want to come across as being ungrateful, complaining, or selfish or anything like that, because that couldn't be further from the truth. I don't want to offend anyone by sharing my feelings, but at the same time, this is my blog, and I should be able to post what I want. With that said, please feel free to skip this post if you are having a hard time right now.
I have been feeling really overwhelmed for the past week or so. I feel like I need a break. I am sure that it is a combination of a lot of things...lack of a good night's sleep, pregnancy fatigue, all of the changes that are going on...it makes for a lot of stress! The thing is, I feel SO GUILTY about feeling overwhelmed, and that makes it even worse. All along, I have always said that I would be so grateful for the chance to be a mom or be pregnant, and that I wouldn't complain about it. It was like because it was something I wanted so badly for so long, I didn't have a right to complain. Now, I feel like it is hard for me to admit any fears or frustrations that I do have.
I love J so much, and I absolutely love and adore being his mom. I am so grateful that he was sent to our family. But I feel like I need a day off. I want a night when I can sleep through the night, sleep in, and then spend the entire day doing fun things that I want to do, while not worrying about if J needs me and knowing that someone else is taking good care of him. I love my days home with J, but man, it is hard work! I am sure that being pregnant doesn't make taking care of a baby any easier.
I am so excited to meet this new baby, but I am also terrified for what changes September is going to bring. I worry about adjusting from one baby to two, and how that is even going to work. I know that there are plenty of other people out there who do it everyday, but it still seems so overwhelming at times. I worry about how much time work will let me take off - I already took 9 weeks of FMLA when we adopted J. I also worry about being able to afford taking time off work. I used up all of my PTO and most of my sick time when I was home with J. I worry about childcare, especially if my sister decides that taking care of two babies is much more than she bargained for. I could always take the kids to the daycare at my work, but that is much more expensive than paying my sister. We are trying to save as much money as we can right now so that our savings will be a little more padded in the fall, but then that makes me feel guilty for spending money on myself for things that I need, like maternity clothes.
All of these worries and emotions just pile on together to where I feel like I just need a break. I need to take a deep breath and tell myself that things are going to be okay. I am trying to hard to enjoy this stage of my life, but it can be hard to just let go of all the worries. I know that part of it is also the weather. Maybe that sounds crazy, but I hate winter, and we have had so much snow lately! It has been to the point that I have looked for other jobs and houses across the country so that I can get away from these Utah winters.
I know that once I see that new baby and have both Jumper and J in my arms, it will all be worth it and that things WILL turn out...it is just getting there.