Reflecting

I have been thinking a lot about J's birthmother, K, recently. I don't know if it is because as Jumper's due date draws closer, I have been thinking a lot more about when J was born, but I'm not sure. We haven't heard from K since President's Day weekend. I continue to send her a monthly update and pictures, but I have no clue if she is still reading them. I often wonder how she is doing...is she happy? Is she able to spend time with her two children? Did she end up getting married in June like she was planning? Does she ever miss J and wonder what he is doing? Does she ever regret her decision to place him for adoption or wonder what he is like? In some ways, it surprises me that I am the one who misses having contact with K. When we first started the adoption process, I felt nervous about having contact with a birthmother, because I worried that it would make it seem like J wasn't "mine" or that she would interfere with me being his mom. Now, I wish that there was at least a little contact or some sort of closure so that I could share it with J when he gets older.

I will always be so thankful and indebted to K for the decision that she made to choose DH and me as J's family. I love that little boy so much and I can't imagine life without him. It is crazy to think that I ever wondered if I would bond with him or love him as my own, because now it feels like he has always been mine and I can't imagine loving his new sister any differently than I love him. I am such a firm believer in adoption and I truly believe that J was always supposed to be in my family; he just had to come a different way than most kids do. I am so thankful to be J's mother and for the happiness he brings to DH and me!

Nursery Pictures

Well, it is still a work in progress, but I thought I would post a few pictures of the nursery. Since I started working on it, we have painted the walls, rearranged the furniture, and of course, added a second crib. I would still like to do some sort of wall art...possibly doing some vinyl lettering with their names to put over each crib and maybe some framed baby pictures, but I haven't decided for sure yet. I am also debating about getting curtains for the windows, but I have a feeling they will just end up getting played with and they aren't really needed since we already have the blinds up. I would love any suggestions!

This is J's crib. As you can see, he has gotten good use out of his bumper! He loves to stand up in his crib and jump up and down, so the bumper is totally squashed. It is hard to see, but his bedding has the striped bedskirt and the bumper has a bullseye pattern in coordinating colors.

This will be Jumper's bed. It is so crazy to see two cribs in this room and to know that soon it will be put to use!

This is the new glider/rocker that we bought. I had ideally wanted a big recliner, but we decided that it would not fit well in the room. The blanket that is slung over the back was my baby blanket that my great-grandmother made for me.

Here is the view looking into the room from the doorway...as you can see, it definitely needs something on the walls to spice things up!

Braxton Hicks?

I have started getting what I think are braxton hicks contractions. The first time I noticed anything was last week. There were a couple of times when I got this uterine-type spasm. They only lasted a couple of seconds and then were gone. Since then, they have increased in frequency and length, although they definitely aren't regular or even a daily occurrence yet. The best way I can describe them is that they feel like a prickly/painful spasm that lasts 15 seconds or so. Sometimes I can feel them in my lower back, but usually it is just more of a uterine thing. I go see my doctor for my 34 week check-up tomorrow, so I figured I would just ask her then.

It is crazy to think that I am already to this point! I know I have said this before, but time is going by super fast. Overall, I am still feeling pretty good, but I have noticed that there have been a few more days, especially in the evening, when I am just more tired and "feeling pregnant" in general. I haven't been sleeping quite as well lately and I have noticed that my feet have been swelling more, especially in the last week or so. I am not at the point of wanting Jumper out of me yet because I feel miserable, but I am getting ready and super excited to just meet her and hold her. I am trying to enjoy these last few weeks, both for the sake of enjoying the pregnancy and also the fact that things will get SO much crazier once she arrives. It is still hard to fathom that we are going to have two little ones that are so close in age.

As far as preparations go, I feel like things are under control. I still need to buy a double stroller and a breast pump, but I kind of want to wait to buy the pump until after she is born...just to make sure that I am going to actually be able to use it! Yesterday, my mom and cousin told me that they want to give me a little shower, so I don't feel quite as compelled to keep buying all of the cute little girl clothes and accessories. The nursery is pretty much set-up, so I promise I will post some pictures soon!

J's New Cousin

My SIL gave birth to a healthy baby girl last night. This is their second child and also my second niece. It is good to say that I am so happy and excited for them!

When DH told me that she had gone into labor yesterday, I thought a lot about how I felt the last time she had a baby. We were TTC and my m/c had been a few months earlier. I remember feeling devastated that I wasn't pg again...I was so sure that I would be by the time her shower came around, and if not then, at least by the time their baby was born. When their daughter was born a few years ago, I remember that I was at work, and I just started crying at my desk. Even though I was happy for them, it hurt so badly and I knew that I was so jealous of them and what I was missing out on. I hated having to "fake" it in front of everyone.

It feels good to have been able to move beyond that place; granted, I realize that I probably wouldn't be at the point I am now if it weren't for having J or Jumper. I think it is true that nothing will help you move beyond the pain of IF until you have your own child or can truly get to a point where you want to live child free. IF has been such a hard ride, but as I have said before, I know that I have learned so much from it and I also know that it has brought me so much closer to DH. Now, I have to admit that I probably wouldn't want it any other way, otherwise I probably wouldn't have J and I can't imagine life without him!

Too Good to be True? and Thoughts on IF

Lately I have noticed that some of the old, familiar thoughts of "this has got to be too good to be true" have been creeping up on me. This pregnancy has been going very smoothly (not that I am complaining!), and I keep waiting for something to "happen". I went in for a routine appointment yesterday, and my OB said that everything is looking perfect. My weight gain is right where it should be, blood pressure is great, baby's growth is right on track, there is just nothing to be concerned about. I still feel like I have a decent amount of energy, I am sleeping well...I really have nothing to complain about right now. I guess it is the infertile mindset in me that is starting to doubt that this is all really happening to me and that there is bound to be something that comes along and screws it up.

I came to the conclusion a while ago that I will always consider myself part of the IF community and have at least some part of the IF mindset, so I am sure that is just manifesting itself now as I start to approach the end of my pregnancy. Also, on Sunday we had a BBQ with DH's family, and there was some discussion about how there are so many new grandchildren coming into the family - in addition to me, two of my SIL are expecting. My BIL made the comment of "wow, I guess we have a really fertile family". DH's stepmom then turned and said to me "Yeah, I bet everyone thinks you are really fertile now, so that is great". I didn't say anything back, but the comments really bothered me. I am proud of the unique way that my family has been created and the journey that it took to get here. Granted, IF has been painful and is not something I would necessarily choose to go through, but I also consider dealing with it to be a badge that I have earned and not something to be ashamed of. Maybe I wouldn't have said that a year ago, but I just don't want to minimize what I have been through, what I have learned, and how important my family is to me.

Vote for Us!!!

I entered J into the Gerber Generation Photo Contest...the winner of each age level gets an Ipad 2, and the grand prize winner receives a $50,000 scholarship! I am trying to get as many votes for him as possible. Voting begins today and runs through July 31.

If you are on FB, PLEASE vote for him! You can vote once per day per FB account. You can click here for a direct link or here and search for him using his entry ID, which is 77850. Thanks so much for voting!!!

Finalized

We were able to finalize J's adoption on Monday...such a great day! Everything went really smoothly. We were so fortunate to have DH's grandpa be our lawyer, so it made it even more special. Basically, our caseworker just got on the stand and testified about the process of our approval, placement, follow-up visits, and that she thought placement with us was in J's best interest. Then, DH and I testified together that we were willingly adopting J and were able to care for him.

Even though I have felt like J is mine and is part of our family for a long time, it is still nice to have him be officially ours. I know that he is part of our family, and for whatever reason, just had to come a different way. Now it is all legal, and he will always be mine!

I also got the final results of my biopsy on Monday, and everything is good! I have a benign fibroadenoma, which is what the doctor thought it would be. Such a relief to have the answers and not have to worry about it anymore!