Doom and Gloom

Sorry, I know this is a bit of a "pity party" post, but I don't know why I have this feeling of doom and gloom today. I know that I should be so happy right now. I keep telling myself that I need to be positive, because who knows what will happen with my pg and our little bean. I guess I am just preparing myself for the worst case scenario. I know that it isn't wise for me to get my hopes up too high, because the odds aren't good for someone in my situation. I know that at this point, I can't control what happens; I just need to try and relax and enjoy the ride. But instead, I feel like crying.

It's not like I necessarily feel any different. And I don't think that my labs were really that bad. From the reading I have done online, your betas are supposed to double every 48-72 hours, so I figure mine have got to be okay. I just feel really sad and worried for some reason.

I think that a big part of it is fear. I am so afraid that things aren't going to work out. I absolutely love J so much, but now that I know about this baby, I want it to make it! I am afraid that it is going to be too emotionally hard and painful if I have another m/c. I have one SIL who is due with baby #2 in July, my SIL with the unplanned pg who is due right around the same time as me...plus, I just found out that my good friend is due with twins this summer. I am SO happy for her; she has been trying to have a baby for over a year, and all she has had to show for it up until now was an ectopic pregnancy. It just hurts to know that even though I am pg now, there is such a risk that I won't be for long and that my body can't do something that should be so naturally. I want to be able to be excited with my family and friends, and anticipate the baby that should be coming to our family. I don't want to have to sit and listen in hurt silence while my SILs talk about their growing bellies and anticipate their baby plans. Why is it that one person's joy becomes someone else's trial and sorrow?

I think that perhaps another small reason why I am feeling a little down is that we decided to cancel our Af.lac today. We have been paying on this for a couple years, with the hopes that I would get pg and would get "paid" to have a baby. Earlier this year, we decided that it wasn't worth the monthly expense and we would cancel our plan when open enrollment occurred at the end of the year. When I found out I was pg last week, we started debating again about whether we should keep the plan. We ended up deciding to cancel the plan because we figured that the risk of paying for another year of the plan and not getting anything in return was greater than the possibility of me having a baby. We decided that it would make more sense to just start paying ourselves and saving the money rather than paying Af.lac.

Anyway, I am sorry for such a gloomy post. Part of me wants to confide to one of my IRL friends about what is going on so that I have someone to talk to, especially if things don't work out. I just don't know who it would be. And what would I say? Guess what...I am pg, but I am so scared that it isn't going to work out, that I am becoming a paranoid, emotional psycho? I know that I just need to relax and let whatever happens happen. I am just scared. Scared to lose the baby, and scared to deal with the pain of seeing those who have not lost. Scared to return to that bitter person that I have finally been growing away from.

1459

Yesterday's lab result was 1459. This is slightly less than double of Monday's result of 767. I am not sure if this is okay or not....my doctor's office is closed until Monday! The only reason I know the result is my insurance has a website where you can look up your medical records online. In anyone's experience, does this number look okay?

I hate having to wait until Monday to hear anything from the doctor...I am getting ready for another long weekend! At least DH, J, and I are planning on heading down to southern Utah to spend some time with his dad, so hopefully that will help make the weekend go by a little bit faster. :)

Game Plan

I heard back from the RE's office yesterday morning and he ordered a Bhcg for yesterday and another one for tomorrow. The sent me an e-mail this morning saying that yesterday's labs looked great and my number was 767. So, I will go back tomorrow afternoon in the hopes that they have doubled since Monday.

Assuming that nothing changes between now and then, I will go in for a viability scan just after six weeks. I know that is only a couple weeks away, but it seems like such a long time to wait!

TMI alert: I know this is normal to experience, but I have this clear discharge and it always freaks me out because I am afraid that I am spotting. A trip to the bathroom reveals that I am just being paranoid. I also almost always feel like I need to pee, even if I just barely went, and it almost makes me feel like I have cramps. I know that I just need to relax and enjoy this for however long it lasts, but it is so hard not to be nervous. This probably sounds a little crazy, but I am GRATEFUL for the pg symptoms that I have been feeling, because it is a good reminder that there is a baby growing inside me. I haven't had any symptoms that have been too awful: my boobs are definitely tender, plus the frequent urination that I mentioned, and some transient nausea and fatigue.

Hopefully I can get some good news tomorrow that will help me relax a little bit more!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas! We had such a great time spending Christmas with our family. It was wonderful to have J with us for Christmas...I don't think I would have done well otherwise. There were two pregnancy announcements...one was the one that I suspected: DH's brother and his wife are expecting their second baby and are due in July. My other SIL also announced that she is 4 weeks pg. This was a very unexpected baby, and she is deciding whether she will keep it once it is born or go the adoption route. After the first announcement, it was really funny because everyone was asking my BIL and SIL how they could keep the secret for so long (she is 12 weeks), and DH and I were just laughing to ourselves about the secret we had!

Here are a couple pictures of our day. This first one was right before we went home at the end of the night, and you can see how tired we are. I love the one of J in his Santa hat!


I am SO glad that tomorrow is Monday and the RE's office will be open. I have seriously been such a nervous wreck. I analyze every little symptom, and I keep checking for spotting whenever I use the restroom. Sorry if that is TMI, but that is just the way it is. I keep thinking that I am feeling some cramps, but it is always just that I need to pee again. I know that there isn't anything I can do to control the outcome, but I still feel so nervous that something is going to happen and I will be crushed.

I think that the news is starting to sink in. I was definitely in shock at first, but now I am so excited, even if it is a nervous excitement. I REALLY want this to work. I know that things will be crazy at first, but I want this baby so badly. I was a little nervous when I told DH, but he is excited too. I hope that my doctor calls first thing in the morning tomorrow so that I can feel like things are moving forward. Also, thank you so much to everyone for your support. I know that it is not fun to receive a surprise pg announcement, especially this time of year. I am sure taht it doesn't help that we were just blessed to adopt J, so we will *hopefully* have two babies so close.

Please Stay Quiet!

Also...just in case you know me IRL or on FB...please keep my news a secret! I am sure we will be waiting quite a while before we are ready to share anything!

One of "Those" Girls?!?!

I think that I jinxed myself in my last post.

For the past few days, DH has been teasing me that he thinks I am pregnant. He said, "you have to be pregnant because you have been so ornery and have been feeling sick". My reply - "I doubt it! If we can't have a baby when trying and timing, why now?" I will admit to not feeling quite myself lately - there has been some nausea and fatigue, but I just attributed it to the holiday season and having a new baby. But, after DH's insistence and not really feeling any AF symptoms, I decided to buy a pg test today. And it was positive. Apparently, I am one of "those" girls who gets KU after adopting?!?!

I know that I am FAR from being out of the woods and a long way from another baby. My RE has said that any pg I have has a 2/3 chance of miscarriage, so those definitely are not good odds. I contacted my RE's office, but they are out until after the holiday. I have debated calling my regular OB, but what would she do? Maybe order some blood work that I would not get the results back for until Monday anyway. I have a feeling this is going to be the LONGEST long weekend ever! I know that I will be analyzing every twinge, every possible symptom that AF is coming.

Part of me is super excited to be pg, and then the logical part of me kicks in and thinks about how crazy things will be having two kids under the age of one. If (and this is a big if) things work out, I know that things will be overwhelming to begin with, but hopefully when they are older, they will be best friends because they are so close in age.

So, we'll see what happens...I will keep you updated!

Oh, and do you know what makes this even more interesting? It was two years ago today that I got my first BFP (it ended in a m/c at 10 weeks).

This and That

I apologize in advance, but this is a very random post!

First, sorry about my little vent from my last post. I totally realize that pregnancy is hard and is definitely not comfortable. My issues with B has been that she only complained, and never said anything positive about being pregnant. I think that it also brought out some jealous feelings in me.

Anyway, not much is new with us. I feel like I should have something exciting to post, but I don't. We are pretty much already for Christmas, and I can't believe that Christmas is this week! I am so excited to celebrate Christmas with J, even if he doesn't know what is going on. Last Christmas was AWFUL - it was my niece's first Christmas, and she was the first grandchild. I absolutely love my niece, but it was so hard to see what we were missing, and to hear the repeated comments about how more grandchildren were wanted. This Christmas will be much better! And, speaking of my niece, I have a slight hunch that her parents may be making a baby announcement this Christmas. My SIL is very health conscious and has always been really thin, but I have noticed a little something around her belly lately. I know that doesn't mean that she is expecting, but I am still "prepping" myself.

I have talked a little bit with other people with IF about BCP after having a baby. Some people have taken the stance that since it was so hard to get the baby in the first place, there is no point in using birth control, while others get back on immediately. DH and I have talked a little about it, and for the meanwhile, I am BCP free. We figured that the chances of us conceiving are low, so why waste the money each month. I honestly believe it would take a miracle for me to get pg.

Earlier in the year, Wistfulgirl's World did a monthly "Secret Pal", where you were assigned someone's blog to follow during the month, offer extra support, etc. Secret Pals was put on hold for a while, but I am so excited that it is back! You can check out this post if you are interested in signing up!

Oh Brother...

I need to vent for a minute. It is definitely true that adopting a baby eases the pain of not being a mother, but it doesn't take away the pain of IF. I will admit that it has been much easier to deal with the recent rash of pg announcements, but there is still some pain. I for sure still get frustrated when I hear people complain about their pregnancies, whether it is the discomfort, it was unplanned, etc.

This was the case a few minutes ago when I read my friend, B's blog. As a quick reminder, B is the one who had an unplanned pregnancy and has bitched and moaned about it quite a bit...to the point where even my fertile friends are annoyed. She is also the one who has been on a "budget" because her husband has been unemployed and she had to work two jobs, yet continued to spend money like crazy (and then complain about not having money). Anyway...back to what I was saying. I saw that B had posted about reaching her due date, but I was shocked about some of the things that I read. She said that she felt bitter about going over her due date, even though she knows it is not uncommon for first time moms to do so. She also talked about how excited she is to go into labor so that she will finally not be pregnant anymore. There were a few other things that she mentioned that just rubbed me the wrong way. I mean, really? I know that I have not experienced pregnancy, and I am sure it is hard and uncomfortable, but I still hate it when people, especially B, complain about it. There are so many women out there who would give anything to be in her position, and she takes it all for granted. How nice would it be to have an accidental pregnancy without ever trying to get KU?

Now I am sure that the complaining will go from being about her pregnancy to about how hard it is to have a newborn baby...

Catching Up!

It seems like it has been FOREVER since I last updated my blog, let alone read anybody else's. Also, I want to apologize to anyone who comes across this and is feeling a little delicate and doesn't want to read about babies.

J is getting so big! He is already a month old...the time has gone by so fast! J has been such a good and happy baby, and I have honestly fallen in love with him. He loves to smile! He is starting to coo, he can roll over from his side to his back, and he is starting to sleep longer at night. I love taking him out to run errands and having people comment on how cute MY baby is.

I will admit that there are things that have been different/harder than I expected. At first, I thought that I would have tons of time to get things done...my house would be perfectly clean, gourmet dinners would be ready when DH came home...so NOT the case! There never seems to be enough hours in the day, and sometimes I wish that I could clone myself! I can't complain, though!

Here are a few pictures that I have taken of J within the past few weeks:

J is a University of Utah fan, and he was so excited when they won the rivalry game!

We went with my mom and sister to this quaint shopping area that was decorated with elves

I took this picture this morning...you can see how smiley he is!