Thursday, December 30, 2010

Doom and Gloom

Sorry, I know this is a bit of a "pity party" post, but I don't know why I have this feeling of doom and gloom today. I know that I should be so happy right now. I keep telling myself that I need to be positive, because who knows what will happen with my pg and our little bean. I guess I am just preparing myself for the worst case scenario. I know that it isn't wise for me to get my hopes up too high, because the odds aren't good for someone in my situation. I know that at this point, I can't control what happens; I just need to try and relax and enjoy the ride. But instead, I feel like crying.

It's not like I necessarily feel any different. And I don't think that my labs were really that bad. From the reading I have done online, your betas are supposed to double every 48-72 hours, so I figure mine have got to be okay. I just feel really sad and worried for some reason.

I think that a big part of it is fear. I am so afraid that things aren't going to work out. I absolutely love J so much, but now that I know about this baby, I want it to make it! I am afraid that it is going to be too emotionally hard and painful if I have another m/c. I have one SIL who is due with baby #2 in July, my SIL with the unplanned pg who is due right around the same time as, I just found out that my good friend is due with twins this summer. I am SO happy for her; she has been trying to have a baby for over a year, and all she has had to show for it up until now was an ectopic pregnancy. It just hurts to know that even though I am pg now, there is such a risk that I won't be for long and that my body can't do something that should be so naturally. I want to be able to be excited with my family and friends, and anticipate the baby that should be coming to our family. I don't want to have to sit and listen in hurt silence while my SILs talk about their growing bellies and anticipate their baby plans. Why is it that one person's joy becomes someone else's trial and sorrow?

I think that perhaps another small reason why I am feeling a little down is that we decided to cancel our Af.lac today. We have been paying on this for a couple years, with the hopes that I would get pg and would get "paid" to have a baby. Earlier this year, we decided that it wasn't worth the monthly expense and we would cancel our plan when open enrollment occurred at the end of the year. When I found out I was pg last week, we started debating again about whether we should keep the plan. We ended up deciding to cancel the plan because we figured that the risk of paying for another year of the plan and not getting anything in return was greater than the possibility of me having a baby. We decided that it would make more sense to just start paying ourselves and saving the money rather than paying Af.lac.

Anyway, I am sorry for such a gloomy post. Part of me wants to confide to one of my IRL friends about what is going on so that I have someone to talk to, especially if things don't work out. I just don't know who it would be. And what would I say? Guess what...I am pg, but I am so scared that it isn't going to work out, that I am becoming a paranoid, emotional psycho? I know that I just need to relax and let whatever happens happen. I am just scared. Scared to lose the baby, and scared to deal with the pain of seeing those who have not lost. Scared to return to that bitter person that I have finally been growing away from.


  1. I could have written this post. I can totally relate to what you are feeling. Infertility has taken so much from me that I'll never be that blissfully pregnant woman. I know you feel kind of alone right now, but you aren't. There are so many of us out there who "get it."

    Hang in there.

  2. It is so normal to feel like this and I am sorry you are feeling so down. I still think your labs are really good, but after all you have been through, these thoughts will always come creeping back in. I guess for me-and maybe you to-the only thing that pushes these thoughts away is clearing another hurdle. So are you having any more blood tests or a scan soon? I am sending you huge (((HUGS))) and hoping all works out for you!!
    take care

  3. Anyone who has experienced an ounce of infertility knows what you're feeling. Granted, I've never been pregnant longer than 2 weeks, but I know the fear that goes along with it. Hang in there and know that even though we're not IRL friends, we're friends just the same. Rooting for you and praying for the best. The best thing about friends is we care when you're happy and we care when you're sad. Although I'm totally using the word friends very lightly right now...ANYONE who has walked our shoes has a special bond. So friend in real life or friend in the blogger world, I appreciate your honest post and pray for that fear to leave!

  4. Even though you're pregnant, it sounds like you're mourning the loss of a normal pregnancy. You're mourning the idea that you could be someone who had a positive HPT and automatically gets a baby out of the deal. I think that is totally normal. Being pregnant won't fix these losses that you have already had.

  5. (((Hugs))) Keep breathing. I hope that taking to your RE about the results on Monday helps at least a little. It's normal to worry, though.

  6. You're scared, waiting for the other shoe to drop. And honestly, it may not pass until you reach the 2nd trimester safely, or even longer. Knowing what you know and your history, it makes perfect sense. We are all rooting for you! HUGS.

  7. Being pregnant does not erase the past. It does bring up feelings from the past. What you are going through is normal. Just work through the emotions as best as you can.

    Praying for you,

  8. I totally understand the doom and gloom. It's so hard not to worry! I know that I could never be one of those happy-blissfully-unaware-that-bad-things-can-happen sort of pregnant ladies. Infertility and loss does that to you.

  9. Of course you're going to feel doom and gloom - I do. I'm almost 8 weeks and have been told everything is great - but that's what I was told last time. And the only other pregnancy I've ever had ended in death, so it's hard to think it might go otherwise.

    But you don't know what will happen. I hope J can help distract you and help get you through this. I so hope things work out! ((HUGS))