Tuesday, February 15, 2011

J's Birthmom

When asked about our adoption, it seems that most of the questions have to do with J's birthmom, K. People wonder what she is like, how often we communicate with her, and how willing we are to have her in our lives (and J's) in the future. So, without going into too many personal details about K, I thought that I would answer some of our most commonly asked questions.

What is K Like/How Old is She/etc.?
K was 32 years old when J was born. She has two other children, and knew that she was not in a situation to be able to take care of an unplanned baby. She seems to be very kind and I believe that she has a very good heart. K has long, thick, curly, dark brown hair and green eyes.

How Often Do You Communicate?
Right now, we e-mail K once a week, and the e-mail includes a picture of J. I anticipate that we won't e-mail as often in the future, but we have told K that we are willing to go at her pace. In a way, it has been nice because it has made us take more pictures of J than we probably would have otherwise, plus the e-mails help us document his weekly changes. We also text occasionally.

How Do You Think K is Doing?
From what I can tell, K has her good days and her bad days. She occasionally will e-mail us back and will sometimes text me. She has told us about plans to go back to school, hobbies, and other things she does to keep herself busy. I think that there are definitely still hard days - she still loves J, and I doubt that ever goes away. However, she has told us several times that she does not regret her decision and she is very glad that J is part of our family.

How Will We Tell J about K?
We don't plan to keep adoption a secret from J. We plan to start reading him children adoption books when he is able to understand what he is hearing. K also has given J a few things, such as a book, stuffed animal, and a letter. We want J to know that he came to our family in a very special way, that it is nothing to be ashamed of, and the role that K played.

Will J ever meet K?
Yes! We are actually going to dinner with her this Saturday. When we first started the adoption journey, it seemed to strange to DH and me that we would have a relationship with our birthmom. We thought that it would be too intrusive and worried that she would try to take a place as a second mom. As we moved further and further into the process, and especially now that we have J and know K, we don't feel that way at all. There have been some people that have expressed their concern or that they just don't really agree with our decision. We have tried to explain that we are doing what we think is best for J and our family. We obviously would not agree to meet with K if we felt that it was not a good thing. We feel comfortable with K and we think it is important for us to have a positive relationship with her. Also, if seeing J occasionally is something that will help K heal and move on, then why would we want to stop that?

It has been interesting to here all of the different opinions that are out there about adoption, especially with how domestic adoptions have become so much more open. One thing that I have learned is to keep an open mind and to take people's thoughts and opinions with a grain of salt. As with any situation involving you and your family, you have to do what is best for YOU, and not what your family/friends/random people think is best. :)


  1. I would have never thought of most of those questions.

    I love that you are so open with J's mom.


  2. Sounds like you guys have a great relationship! The dinner should be interesting, let us know how it goes! I think it is great you plan to tell j when he can understand. Take care

  3. Do you follow Lindsay's blog at The R House (http://therhouse.blogspot.com/)? If not, you should definitely check it out. I think it would be of great interest for you. They are still in close contact with both of their boys' birth moms and she is a huge adoption resource and advocate!

  4. A family member had adopted two children before she was able to give birth to a third one (the children are now in their 20s and 30s). When we talked about the process a while ago, she mentioned that selecting the time to "tell" was the hardest decision for her; it wasn't something she knew how to do and was never sure if the kids understood already or if it was still too early. So she kept postponing it. She said that from time perspective she wishes she would do what her friends did, just talk to their adopted daughter about it when she was a baby. She was way too little to understand but it became natural to her and the parents, and they all felt comfortable talking about it. By the time she finally understood, she already knew. :) I always found this approach interesting.

  5. I'm only 14 weeks but I've already been telling Sparky about the egg donor. It helps me learn how to talk about it. It's not going to be a secret, and I'll start talking about it for real before Sparky (cross-fingers he/she makes it that far) understands. I want it to be something he/she grows up with and is never some strange, bizarre thing in his or her past.