Sunday, December 13, 2009

Why I am Here...

I have been debating about whether I should create a blog like this for a long time. There has been a part of me that thinks that I will benefit from expressing my feelings this way, even if there is not anyone there who is technically "listening" - like this can be my place to vent and share my feelings about traveling this journey. The other part of me thinks that it is there anyone that will read this, or is it just going to make me upset? So, after months of debating back and forth, I have decided to proceed. If there is anyone who chooses to read this, then great! If not, that is okay, too.

To start things off, I will share a bit of why I am here. I guess that DH and I haven't technically been diagnosed with infertility, but we are in the beginning phases of testing. Our journey to become parents started in October 2008 when I went off of birth control. I was so excited when December 2008 came around and I got a positive pregnancy test! We found out just in time to share our good news with our families on Christmas. We told everyone that our baby was due to arrive in late August, right around our third wedding anniversary.

The pregnancy seemed to be progressing regularly. I was experiencing all of the traditional first trimester symptoms, and was feeling relieved when I was starting to feel better around week nine. During the nine and a half week mark, DH and I went to our first prenatal check-up. We were so excited to finally see what our baby looked like, and DH was joking about how things would change if there was more than one heartbeat. My doctor did an ultrasound, but said that my uterus seemed small, so she needed to do an intravaginal ultrasound. As soon as she started that, both DH and I could tell that something was wrong. After looking more closely, the doctor said that she could not see a heartbeat and that the baby was measuring about 6 1/2 weeks instead of 9 1/2. She said that there were two possibilities. The first, and more likely, was that the baby had died and I was having a miscarriage. The second was that my dates were three weeks off and that it was barely too soon to see a heartbeat. Two days later, the bleeding and the cramping started. I had regular contractions on my second day of bleeding, and on that day (January 30) I knew that my baby was no longer inside of me.

Going through a miscarriage has been one of the hardest trials that I have had to experience. There were so many raw emotions and so many unanswered questions. It seemed like someone had played a cruel joke on me or pulled the rug out from under my hopes and dreams. Family and friends tried to offer comfort, but their words seemed to do little good to ease the pain. I tried to tell myself that since I had gotten pregnant so easily before, that it would happen again quickly, and perhaps I would still be a mother by the end of the year.

In April 2009, I decided to participate in the Eager Study, which is evaluating the effects of low-dose aspirin on pregnancy and miscarriage. The nurses in the study told me that about 80% of the women in the study got pregnant during the six month participation time frame, and that only about 8% of those had a miscarriage. I had high hopes that I would be part of that 80%, but no such luck. I left the study in October with an empty uterus and more unanswered questions. Why was I able to get pregnant so easily before, and nothing now? After a few phone calls to my doctor, she agreed to some preliminary fertility testing. DH had a semen analysis done, and his results turned out fine. The next step is for me to have a hysterosalpingogram (HSM) done this week.

I realize that our fertility journey has been a lot less painful than what has been experienced by others. I suppose that I should consider myself fortunate that I have only had one miscarriage and that I was able to get pregnant before. However, I still feel an emptiness inside and I know that it won't go away until I see that beating heart on the ultrasound or hold that new baby in my arms. There are times when it is so painful to look around me and see so many other women who are pregnant or have new babies. It is hard to hear stories on the news about babies who are born to families that didn't even want them, when I know that DH and I could give a baby such a good home. I suppose that the only thing to do right now is to try and keep my head up, keep moving forward, and try to have faith that I will eventually get through this trial.


  1. Hi, I'm here from LFCA. I'm so sorry for your loss. That has to be the hardest thing. I'm also sorry your 2 closest girlfriends got pregnant at the same time on the first try!!! Seriously!?!? That just sucks! Last year a coworker's wife got pregnant while she was on bcp's and it just so happened to be twins...and they already had 2 children who were 10 and 13! I hate the IF gods!

  2. I'm here if you want to vent. That's what the internet is best at - listening. The start of my blog had very similar notes to yours. Wishing you luck!!