Update

First, thank you so much to everyone who has left me comments, shared in the excitement, and just given me so much support. I REALLY appreciate it! Second, I know that I am falling behind on everyone else's blogs, and I apologize!

The past few days have been a whirlwind, but in a good way. On Friday, my caseworker called and said that our BM changed her mind and wanted to meet us. That brought me so much relief, because I have been so nervous that she could still change her mind, so it seemed that wanting to meet us was a good thing. On Friday, we went and registered; that was an overwhelming experience itself. We didn't get to the store until about 7:30 and there was just so much to see and choose from. To be honest, I have no idea if I registered for what we need, but at least it is a start. We also bought our car seat/stroller travel system.

On Saturday morning, we met with our caseworker for a few minutes before we met the BM. We were excited to find out that the BM is okay with us coming to the hospital, giving the baby a bath, things like that. It was more than I was hoping for. She also gave us the social and health histories that the BM had provided, and it was amazing to read because we felt like we were reading about our own families. There were so many similarities - from family vacations, to hobbies, that it was crazy. Next was our face to face meeting with the BM and her mom. We were both nervous as first, but it went so well. I felt like we made a really good connection with her and honestly I just fell in love with her. She is such an amazing woman and I feel so honored that she picked us to adopt her baby. The meeting helped alleviate a lot of our fears and concerns and left us with a really peaceful feeling. During the meeting, we gave her a gift (gift certificate for a pedicure, bath bubbles, lotion, Burt's Bees hands/feet kit, and chocolate) and she gave us a blanket, book, and stuffed animal for the baby.

After the meeting, we went to the store and just bought a bunch of basic, essential baby things, such as diapers, bottles, formula, onesies...it made it start to feel real...like I am buying these things for my son, and not my friend's baby or the baby I might have in the future. That afternoon, my family came over to help set up the nursery so that we could run some more errands.

Tomorrow, we get to go to meet more of the BM's family at a hospital meeting. This is where we will talk about her birthing plan, our role at the hospital, and just basically to review how she wants things to happen. It is so exciting to see things coming together, and now I just can't wait for that phone call saying that she is in labor!

We Said Yes!

I called the agency back, and we said YES!!! I still don't know much about the birth mom, other than she is due next Friday, November 5, so our little boy could come any time. I know that she can still change her mind, but I can't help being so excited. We are going to go buy baby stuff tomorrow and register, and then just get things ready as quick as we can. I am so excited and couldn't be happier!!! Keep your fingers crossed for me that she doesn't change her mind.

Freaking Out!!! (In a good way)

DH called me this morning and asked if I was busy, because he wanted to come over to my office and talk to me about something. When he got here, he said that he had received a phone call from our case worker...someone has chosen us to adopt their baby! The birth mom (BM) is having a boy and she is due next week. Right now it would a pretty closed adoption, with the chance of it being more open in the future. We are both freaking out. She was using meth until she found out that she was pregnant, and then she stopped. I think that we are leaning towards accepting the baby, but I think that DH and I are both in such a state of shock and feeling overwhelmed that we don't know what to do. We have some stuff, but obviously not everything that we need. It feels so crazy to not know when/if I will get to be a mom, to all of a sudden have it be a possibility so soon. The agency asked us to let them know our decision by the end of today, so I will definitely keep you posted!

New Toy and Adoption Reading Question

First...

I bought a Nike + iPod kit, and today was my first day using it - I LOVED it! Basically, it is a chip that goes on my shoe and syncs to my iPod. It keeps track of how far I run, my pace, calories burned, etc. It also allows you to set up goals and you can download workouts to help you train. I am hoping that this will keep me motivated and help me improve.

Second, and more importantly...does anyone have any good advice on adoption articles and books that are good to give to family members? I was thinking that maybe it would help my MIL if I gave her some legitimate reading material. I saw the book "Adoption is a Family Affair: What Relatives and Friends Must Know", by Patricia Johnston on Barnes and Noble's website, but I am clueless as to how good it is. If anyone has any suggestions, I would love to hear them!

Bitter

Just a warning...this post is kind of all over the place, so I am sorry if it doesn't seem to flow or make much sense. :)

I know that I said I did pretty well at the shower - and I did - but I can still feel some bitterness creeping back into me. I think that there are just a lot of little things that are contributing.

This month marks two years since we threw out the BCPs...how naive I was, thinking that this would be so easy for us. Even after the loss in January 09, I thought that it would be easy, and we would just have a baby a couple of months later than I had planned. If you had asked me two years ago what I thought would be happening now, I would imagine that I would've said that we would have one kid and be thinking about number two...or maybe even start trying for number two/be KU again. And now, here I am, two years later with nothing to show for it.

I get so tired of having to pretend that things are great. Don't get me wrong...I have a really great husband and a really good life, but it is hard to cover up that my heart is still hurting. Most days I can handle it pretty well and keep a smile pasted on my face, but it does get old. I am tired of hearing the misguided comments, the probing questions, and feeling that I don't have control over my life.

I told DH that I am not looking forward to Christmas this year - it is the year we will spend most of it with his family. He asked why, and I told him that the holidays are too painful. Last year was miserable, especially the time that was spent with his family. Don't get me wrong, I love my in-laws, but it is just hard. My MIL has the uncanny ability to always say something that is well-meaning, but turns out to be very hurtful. DH said that he could say something to his family about there being "certain triggers" that make things hard, but I told him no, because I don't want to be singled out or have people walking on egg shells around me, either. I joked that instead, he should tell his mom that we are spending the holidays in the Caribbean. I asked him if it doesn't ever make him sad to be where we are at right now and not be able to have kids they way we have planned and to not have control over when we will be able to adopt. He said that he doesn't necessarily get sad, but it is more of a bitter feeling for him. I thought that was interesting, considering he always does such a good job of covering it up. When I asked more about it, he said that he has just learned that life is hard, so you have to play the cards that you are dealt. That is true, but it certainly doesn't make it any easier.

I Survived Another Shower...Thank Goodness for Friends!

I went to a shower for my friend, B, this afternoon. I have mentioned B before...she is the friend that had a "surprise" pregnancy a month or so after making comments about how she would "kill herself if she got KU". She is the friend who has complained about the discomforts of pregnancy every chance she gets. She is the friend that got on my nerves before she was pg, but has been even more so since.

I went to the shower with three of my friends. One just had a baby in July (but also gets annoyed with B) and two others who have had problems TTC. I don't know what I would have done without these friends...it made the shower so much better. I swear every other girl there besides my two friends and me had either had a baby recently or was pg. One girl had the tiniest baby bump, but could not take her hands off her belly. After we left, my two friends commented on how "the preggies were coming out of the woodwork" today, and that trend seemed to continue while we went to the mall following the shower.

I am slowly getting better about not being so bitter around pg people and kids, but I still hate it when people take it for granted and complain about how hard it is. This is especially the case with B...she knows that we had a m/c, have struggled with IF, and are hoping to adopt. We have been trying to have a baby for longer than she has even been married, so it sucked to find out that she was able to get KU on accident. I don't mean to complain and whine, I just wish people that knew that someone was struggling with IF wouldn't rub their pg in their face. Thankfully, my two friends feel the same way with this issue, so it is nice to not be alone and have someone who understands/wants to get out of a baby shower as quickly as I do!

ICLW!

Wow...I can't believe it is already that time again! It seems like October has just rushed by. If you are new to my blog, welcome! My short story is that DH and I have been TTC for about two years. I was diagnosed with a chromosome abnormality in May, and we are now hoping to adopt. We have been approved since the beginning of August, so now we are just waiting...

Nothing is really new with me this week. I have still been super busy at work and at home. I thought that since I didn't really have much to say, I would post ten random things about myself:

1. I absolutely love this time of year. I love the crisp autumn air, the scents associated with fall, the leaves, everything. I honestly have a fall "to do" list that I try and accomplish every year just so that I can enjoy the season so much.
2. I love to read! Lately I have been reading some of Jodi Piccoult's books, but some of my other favorites are "Gone with the Wind" and the "Hunger Games" series.
3. I play the piano and DH plays the drums. DH has a ton of recording equipment from when he has been in bands, so we are trying to record some music together.
4. I am training for the Utah Ragnar race...this is a relay race that spans the distance from Logan, UT to Park City, UT (a distance of about 200 miles or so).
5. Speaking of running, I love to go jogging with my little furkid, Faline. Faline is a miniature pinscher, and she is able to keep up pretty well until I hit 5 miles or so.
6. I grew up with "the greatest snow on earth", but I hate the snow, snow sports, and anything involving being outside when it is cold/snowy.
7. I really enjoy making crafts and home decorating, although sometimes I don't feel like I am very creative.
8. I am a nurse, but I don't work on the floor anymore. I do more quality improvement/manager stuff.
9. I am an avid Utah Jazz fan. It is not uncommon for me to suggest the DH and I stay in and order takeout so that we can watch Friday night games.
10. One of my dreams is to visit every continent...unfortunately, the furthest place I have been from home so far is Mexico, so I definitely have a way to go!

People Just Don't Get It

Last night, we went to family dinner at my MIL's house. As much as I enjoy spending time with the family, I always dread it a little bit because it seems like the biggest topic of conversation is always babies. There is only one grandchild on that side of the family, and don't get me wrong - I love my niece - but sometimes it would be nice to talk about something else. Anyway, of course the adoption came up and people were asking DH and me if we had heard anything yet. We said no, and then my MIL proceeded to question us. This is how the conversation went:

MIL: Have you guys considered getting a baby from another country?
Us: Yes, but it is much more expensive and the wait can be much longer. We felt like domestic adoption was the best route for us.
MIL: But there are so many orphans. Why can't you just go to a country and pick out a baby?
Us: Well, it isn't that easy. There is a lot of red tape to go through with both our country and the country where the baby comes from.
MIL: Well, it seems like you should just be able to go pick out a baby and then pay a lawyer to do the adoption.
Us: Unfortunately, it just doesn't work that way. It's not that simple. Some people wait years to adopt a baby from another country, and it just depends on that country's rules.
MIL: When C and J (her sister and BIL) adopted a baby from Columbia, they just went there and got him, and I know it wasn't that expensive. I realize that was a long time ago, and he was 18 months old when they got him, but still.
Us: Most children that are adopted from other countries are not adopted as new babies.
MIL: Well, I bet that D (her brother who lived in Columbia) could call up his friend in Columbia and have him watch for a baby for you. And then you could adopt that baby and not have to keep waiting.
Us: Unfortunately, it just isn't usually that simple. There is much more to it than going to another country and just picking up a baby.
MIL: What other options do you have to get a baby faster?
Us: We could have chosen another agency that has faster placement times, but the fees would have been double or triple what we are paying with ours.
MIL: We can just have a bake sale and raise the money that you need to get a baby faster.

This conversation continued for a little while. I think that my MIL was still convinced that all she needed to do was have her brother call his friend in Columbia and it would be that easy for us to get a baby. I know that she is just excited for us and excited to have a grandchild, but sometimes it is a little much. It would be nice to sometimes talk about other things besides babies...after all, DH and I are still people who still have other interests and lives outside of adoption!

Catching Up

I feel like I have been SO far out of the blogging loop during the past week or so. Work has been crazy busy, so I haven't had time to blog during lunch, and when I get home, the last thing I want to do is sit in front of a computer screen.

Anyway, I guess I don't have too much to say, other than just a few mini updates from my last post. I decided to give my OB another try. I called to schedule an appointment, and she is booked out until APRIL! I made an appointment, but I guess that gives me plenty of time to change my mind between now and then. As for the shower, if it gets brought up again, I think that I am going to say that I would like to hold off, at least for now. I am slowly starting to put together a "grab and go" bag of sorts, just in case we got a call with no notice, but I just don't want to do the shower yet. I figure that the bag would hopefully be enough in the event that we had little/no notice. Today, I bought the first thing for my bag...the diaper bag itself! I went to this baby store by my house that was having a big sale, and I found a Bumble bag that I loved for 40% off.

Lately, I have been having one of those times when I feel like there are babies EVERYWHERE...and not just pg girls and new babies, but stories about people adopting. I think that part of it is because I have started being a lot more open with people besides family and friends about our adoption plans, so that inevitably opens the door for people to say things like "Oh, this person I know just adopted a baby last week". On one hand it is good, because obviously those people desperately want a baby of their own and it means that adoptions are happening, but I want it to be my profile that is the one being looked at and chosen.

Anyway, that is all I have for now. Not much of anything too interesting, but I suppose that is okay. Hopefully tomorrow I will have a chance to get caught up on everyone else's blogs.

Decisions, Decisions

I feel like there are quite a few decisions to make right now...none of them are really big decisions. You know, the kind where you are at a crossroads and the decision is going to have a huge impact on your life. But, still decisions to make anyway.

The first, and maybe the easiest, is regarding a baby shower. DH's mom and aunt have approached me about giving me a baby shower. I think that DH's mom would prefer to do it sooner than later, "just in case". They said that it could be gender neutral, since I obviously have no clue whether we will adopt a boy or a girl. I am kind of torn on the shower. Of course I want to have a baby shower one day, but it kind of seems awkward to do one now.

My concerns about doing a shower this early are:

1. Who knows how long it will be before we get a baby. What if we have a shower now, and then we don't get a baby for a couple of years, and I want different things?
2. Will people even want to come to a shower for me, since I am not pg and have not been matched?
3. I really am not this superstitious, but what if I jinx myself by doing this?

On the other hand, it might be nice to have an early shower, just in case we really do get matched with someone and don't have a long time to prepare.

If anyone is reading this has had past experience or suggestions, I would LOVE to hear what you have to say!

My next decision is about our adoption profile. Right now, I have an online profile listed with our agency and another one listed with hopingtoadopt.org. I chose to put our profile with Hoping to Adopt because I had a free two month trial. Well, the two month trial is coming to an end, and I haven't really seen much traffic. According to the profile statistics, we have had plenty of people view the profile, but nobody has contacted us from it. The monthly fee for listing our profile is only around $30 (I think), so it isn't like it is a huge expense, but why pay $30 if it isn't doing any good? I have a friend who's family member got a ton of traffic from Parent Profiles, but that website is around $90/month. I just don't know if it is worth it to list our profile with so many different places. I have thought about cancelling the profile with Hoping to Adopt and trying Parent Profiles for a couple months, but I just don't know.

Last, I have been considering switching to a different OB/GYN. When I went for my annual exam last January, I did not have a good experience. I have always liked her before, but that appointment left a sour taste in my mouth. I really didn't like that she didn't listen to me and brushed my concerns aside. What if I stick with her, have concerns in the future, and then have the same problems. On the other hand, I have always liked her before then, so maybe it was just a fluke...especially since she had been running late. I just don't know...but if I am going to stick with her, I need to schedule my annual now. I am leaning towards making another appointment to see her for my annual exam, and then depending on how things go, I will decide whether or not to stay with her in the future.

Fall Leaves and Update

Not much is new with me, but maybe that is a good thing. It means that nothing is too crazy with me right now.

I think that I have patched things up with my sister. We haven't really talked about what happened, but things are better. I decided to invite her to come up to my house last Friday to help me work on a project we were doing for my mom's birthday. At first it was a little awkward, but by the end of the night, I had her laughing and happy. Apparently she told my mom that she had been excited that she was the only one who was coming up to hang out, so I guess that is a good thing. I think that I just need to maybe make more of an effort to include her and make sure that she knows that I am glad to have her as my sister.

Last weekend, DH and I took a drive up the canyon by our house to see the fall leaves. I was a little nervous about how they would be because we have had such a warm fall, but there were some really pretty areas.




The drive made for a really relaxing day. The route we took included a pass through the mountain that led us to a small town, where we stopped for lunch. Autumn is definitely my favorite time of year, so I am so glad that DH and I were able to take the time to go enjoy the leaves.