Sunday, October 24, 2010


Just a warning...this post is kind of all over the place, so I am sorry if it doesn't seem to flow or make much sense. :)

I know that I said I did pretty well at the shower - and I did - but I can still feel some bitterness creeping back into me. I think that there are just a lot of little things that are contributing.

This month marks two years since we threw out the naive I was, thinking that this would be so easy for us. Even after the loss in January 09, I thought that it would be easy, and we would just have a baby a couple of months later than I had planned. If you had asked me two years ago what I thought would be happening now, I would imagine that I would've said that we would have one kid and be thinking about number two...or maybe even start trying for number two/be KU again. And now, here I am, two years later with nothing to show for it.

I get so tired of having to pretend that things are great. Don't get me wrong...I have a really great husband and a really good life, but it is hard to cover up that my heart is still hurting. Most days I can handle it pretty well and keep a smile pasted on my face, but it does get old. I am tired of hearing the misguided comments, the probing questions, and feeling that I don't have control over my life.

I told DH that I am not looking forward to Christmas this year - it is the year we will spend most of it with his family. He asked why, and I told him that the holidays are too painful. Last year was miserable, especially the time that was spent with his family. Don't get me wrong, I love my in-laws, but it is just hard. My MIL has the uncanny ability to always say something that is well-meaning, but turns out to be very hurtful. DH said that he could say something to his family about there being "certain triggers" that make things hard, but I told him no, because I don't want to be singled out or have people walking on egg shells around me, either. I joked that instead, he should tell his mom that we are spending the holidays in the Caribbean. I asked him if it doesn't ever make him sad to be where we are at right now and not be able to have kids they way we have planned and to not have control over when we will be able to adopt. He said that he doesn't necessarily get sad, but it is more of a bitter feeling for him. I thought that was interesting, considering he always does such a good job of covering it up. When I asked more about it, he said that he has just learned that life is hard, so you have to play the cards that you are dealt. That is true, but it certainly doesn't make it any easier.


  1. The holidays are awful. Blech. I'm glad that you started to think about how things will be and that you communicated that to DH.

    You're doing a good job and rest assured, you aren't alone in your high and low moments. I just wish for people who want children so badly that it wasn't this tough. IF is horrible.

  2. Thanks for stopping by my blog!!
    You are so brave for going to a baby shower!! at this point, there is no way in hell i would be caught at a baby shower. no way, no how!
    Good for you!!Sorry it was tough.

  3. Baby showers are the hardest. Especially when the pg mom is not happy about it. I have been to many of those and I just want to smack those women.

    Mr. Pez and DH sound like the same person.

    You are a good blog friend.:) I just have not talked about it much. I am scared I will jinx myself.

    I hope the holidays go good for you. I will be praying for you in-laws to have a filter from the brain to the mouth.

    Love ya blog buddy,

  4. Thanks for stopping by my blog... Congrats for making it through the shower! I hope you did something nice for yourself afterwards, something to celebrate yourself (it's a rule I have now anytime I go to a shower... I'll buy a baby gift, but damn if I don't buy something for myself too) :-D

    I can totally understand and relate to where you're coming from- this post really spoke to me, especially "feeling that I don't have control over my life." I can COMPLETELY relate to that. Life IS good: good job, new house, amazing husband, but damnit if I don't want a baby like everyone else who has one right now. Frustrating, sad, and bitter indeed. Just wanted to stop by, wish you well & happy commenting for ICLW, and to give you a big hug for continuing to be strong throughout your fight.

    ~Keiko Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed (ICLW #142)

  5. My husband has much the same outlook as yours, and thus, seems to be doing better about things (all things) than he really is. I get it. HUGS

  6. My Husband is similar - he is frustrated that it hasn't happened yet but the sense of desperation and urgency just isn't the same. Hopefully things will improve soon and you will feel better. Being bitter is just part of the journey unfortunately.

  7. Two years is quite a long struggle, it would be impossible for you to keep your happy face on at all times. I also hear you about the holidays. They mark the turning of another year, and thoughts about the next year to come.

    I hope you get through the holidays okay, and really really hope these will be the last holidays you have to go through like this.

  8. Ugh, baby shower and holidays, you hit on frustrating topics today. I'm sorry you had to go to that stupid thing.
    I think your hubby is in the norm with his feelings.

  9. I am so with you on this. I feel the same way.

  10. Stopping by for ICLW - hi! Isn't it interesting how our DHs feel similarly but so differently? Good for you for keeping the lines of communication open - that's half the battle! Wishing you peace...

  11. I agree with the other ladies, good for you for being able to go to a baby shower, I have not been to one in almost 4 years!

    Holidays can be hard, DH and I learned a while back that during this IVF journey we need to put ourselves first! So we have skipped out on several family events by telling people we were some where else.

    I say spring for the vacation and enjoy yourself!!

    Happy ICLW #93

  12. The bitterness comes in waves sometimes, doesn't it? There are times when I really do think I'm OK with all of it. Then, suddenly, I'll just get SO mad. Today listening to my department chair outside of my door going on and on about his granddaughter I just had to get up and close the door -- I think I kind of slammed it. I just couldn't deal with it today.

  13. Sorry you're having such a hard time right now...try not to dwell on things that haven't happened yet. Holidays can be magical if you let them be. I hope things turn around for you soon! ICLW (#72 & 106)

  14. oh i so know what you mean. it has been three years for us and it is like i've just stood still all this time. the old me would've thought we'd be having our second kid soon. so naive.

    anyway. connected with this post on many levels!!!