Bitter

Just a warning...this post is kind of all over the place, so I am sorry if it doesn't seem to flow or make much sense. :)

I know that I said I did pretty well at the shower - and I did - but I can still feel some bitterness creeping back into me. I think that there are just a lot of little things that are contributing.

This month marks two years since we threw out the BCPs...how naive I was, thinking that this would be so easy for us. Even after the loss in January 09, I thought that it would be easy, and we would just have a baby a couple of months later than I had planned. If you had asked me two years ago what I thought would be happening now, I would imagine that I would've said that we would have one kid and be thinking about number two...or maybe even start trying for number two/be KU again. And now, here I am, two years later with nothing to show for it.

I get so tired of having to pretend that things are great. Don't get me wrong...I have a really great husband and a really good life, but it is hard to cover up that my heart is still hurting. Most days I can handle it pretty well and keep a smile pasted on my face, but it does get old. I am tired of hearing the misguided comments, the probing questions, and feeling that I don't have control over my life.

I told DH that I am not looking forward to Christmas this year - it is the year we will spend most of it with his family. He asked why, and I told him that the holidays are too painful. Last year was miserable, especially the time that was spent with his family. Don't get me wrong, I love my in-laws, but it is just hard. My MIL has the uncanny ability to always say something that is well-meaning, but turns out to be very hurtful. DH said that he could say something to his family about there being "certain triggers" that make things hard, but I told him no, because I don't want to be singled out or have people walking on egg shells around me, either. I joked that instead, he should tell his mom that we are spending the holidays in the Caribbean. I asked him if it doesn't ever make him sad to be where we are at right now and not be able to have kids they way we have planned and to not have control over when we will be able to adopt. He said that he doesn't necessarily get sad, but it is more of a bitter feeling for him. I thought that was interesting, considering he always does such a good job of covering it up. When I asked more about it, he said that he has just learned that life is hard, so you have to play the cards that you are dealt. That is true, but it certainly doesn't make it any easier.