Nerves

I have had a little case of the nerves lately...it isn't that anything is going wrong; it is the day that I am approaching. It was two years ago today that I found out that our baby did not have a heartbeat. I was 9w 4d, which is just a little further ahead than I am now. Based on the last u/s, I am 9w 1 d, or if you go by my LMP, I will be 9 weeks tomorrow. How ironic is it that my dates are so close, and at the same time of year?

I definitely feel like things are going better than they did two years ago. I have been feeling more sick and I have noticed that I am getting a little "fuller" in my lower abdomen. It isn't anything that anybody but me would notice, but I know that wasn't there last time. I just get nervous that history will repeat itself. Added to that is that I don't go see my OB until February 10, which seems like a lifetime away! My RE didn't want to schedule any other appointments with me because he wanted me to f/u with the genetic counselor. I contacted the counselor, but the response has been slow. She finally called me back last Friday at 4:30, but I missed the call. I called her back and have yet to hear anything from her. At this rate, I will have my normal OB appointment before I ever get to even meet with her!

Update on Baby J

I can't believe how big J is getting! He is such a fun and sweet little guy...I am so grateful to be his mom! We moved J into his own room on Saturday. Up until then, he had been sleeping in our room in a bassinet. We decided that all three of us would sleep better if he moved into his own crib in his own room, and so far he has done great! I love waking up in the morning to hear him cooing over the baby monitor.

DH and I took J in for his scheduled well-baby appointment this afternoon. We were a little nervous about how he would do, since this is the appointment where they get a bunch of vaccinations. Our little guy did great! He currently weighs 11 lbs, 15 oz (34 percentile), is 24.25" long (77 percentile), and has a head circumference of 40.5cm (44 percentile). So basically, we have a long and lean little boy! When it was time for his vaccinations, they gave him one oral medication and three shots. He started crying with the shots, but he seriously stopped as soon as I picked him up. The nurse was surprised at how mellow he was...what kid does that? He was back to normal by the time we left the office. I am so grateful to have such a happy baby, but it does make me nervous that the next one will be a terror! :)

Blog Award!

Thanks so much to Michelle at All in God's Time for nominating me for this award!


The rules for accepting this award are:
1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 other bloggers.
4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award.

Here are seven things about me:

1. When DH and I first became friends, he wanted to start dating right away. I wasn't interested and kept pushing him away...I eventually came around and gave him a chance after about nine months.
2. I used to never watch reality shows, but now they are my guilty pleasures. I love to watch The Batchelor, Kendra, Kardashians, and America's Next Top Model.
3. Despite living in Utah and growing up minutes from "the greatest snow on earth", I absolutely hate the cold and winter sports. If I had it my way, I would live somewhere green, humid, and near the ocean.
4. I love to watch classic Disney movies. Some of my favorites are "Alice in Wonderland", "Snow White", and "Sleeping Beauty".
5. I love to decorate my house for the holidays throughout the year...in fact, I think I will get my Valentine decorations out today!
6. I have a huge fear or snakes, and will not even walk by them when they are in their cages.
7. I have been playing the piano since I was five years old, and one day I would like to compose music.

15 Bloggers that I nominate are:

1. Katie at From If to When
2. Al at Mission: Motherhood
3. Joyful Hope
4. Kakunna at Spermination Station
5. Anxious Mummy
6. Junebug at Junebug's Musings
7. Angie at Random Thoughts from Angie
8. Jenna at Among the Blossoms
9. Lindsay at Waiting for that Positive
10. Pez at Giving up a Dream
11. Ashlee at Savor the Moment
12. Andrea at Waiting for our Baby
13. Hope at Invisible Mother
14. Jennifer at Thoughts from a Blonde
15. Kelly at The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow

Happy ICLW!

Happy ICLW! I am excited to participate again this month...I took a little while off because I didn't feel like I was able to spend the time blogging that I would have needed to.

So much has changed for me during the past year...and to be honest, I sometimes feel like life is too good to be true. I totally understand if you don't want to read this post because you are having a hard time. If I had come across this a few months ago, I am sure I would have had to pass it by.

About a year ago, I made the decision to go against my OB's recommendations and start seeing an RE. I am SO glad that I did...he was able to diagnose me with a chromosome insertion, which totally impacted our decisions about how DH and I were going to become parents. In June, we started meeting with an adoption agency and were approved to adopt by August. The agency told us that the average wait time was about 18 months, so we were all set to spend quite a bit more time as just a family of two. On October 28, we got a call from our caseworker saying that we had been chosen by a birthmom to adopt her baby! Our son was born on November 8, and he has been the greatest blessing in our lives. We love J SO much! Then, on December 23, I found out that I was pregnant! I didn't get my hopes up because the RE had said that there was a 2:3 chance that I would have a m/c anytime I got KU, but we were able to see our baby's heartbeat last week. I am now 8 weeks pg and am starting to feel cautiously optimistic.

So, that is me in a nutshell. Life is good, and I am so grateful for everything that has happened to my family...if you had told me what was going to happen to me a year ago, I wouldn't have believed you. :)

Spreading the News

DH and I have slowly started spreading the news. I still want to keep it pretty quiet, but since we have seen a heartbeat, DH isn't too concerned about keeping it to ourselves.

Prior to my ultrasound, I told my two closest friends and my boss. I told my friends so that I would have someone IRL to talk to in case things didn't go well, and I told my boss in case I needed to take a few more days off of work, even though I was just barely back from my maternity leave. I told everyone to keep it quiet, with the exception of my friends being able to tell their husbands. I had also told my sister that is living with us, since that would have been kind of hard to keep quiet.

Anyway, the day after our u/s, my FIL came over to bring us dinner and play with J. We had our u/s picture hanging up on the magnet board, and I forgot to take it down before he came over. He didn't notice it up there, so DH asked me if it would be okay to tell his dad since he was already over there. I agreed, so now my FIL and his wife know...they are both super excited and have agreed to not tell anyone else. I figure that since my FIL knows, my parents and my MIL have a right to know as well. After all, if I had a m/c at this point, we would tell them anyway, right? It is my mom's 50th birthday this week, so we plan to tell her when we get together to celebrate her birthday. We also have a family dinner on Sunday with my MIL, so I think we will tell her then. At that point, I will be at 8 weeks...it is earlier than I was originally planning to share, but I think I am okay with it.

However, I have one concern...my SIL just had a m/c last week. Both of my SIL announced that they were pg on Christmas: one is with her second baby, and the other is an oops pg with her boyfriend. It is the SIL with the oops pg who had the m/c. She has said that she knows it is for the best because she wasn't ready to care for a baby and was actually considering adoption, but I know it is still hard on her. Our due dates would have been within days of each other, so I want to be empathetic to her feelings and not make her feel worse.

As for telling friends...DH and I spend a lot of time with a group of friends, which consists of four other couples. Two couples had babies last year after getting KU really easily, one couple has been TTC for almost 2 years (has yet to go to the Dr. to find out what is going on), and the other couple just found out they are having twins. So right now, there is just the one couple that doesn't have kids or have a baby on the way. Two of the couples were the ones that I had told about being pg prior to the u/s. When we were hanging out with our friends over the weekend, one of the guys accidentally outed us to one of the couples that didn't know. So, the only other couple in our group of friends that doesn't know is the one that has been having a hard time TTC. I have been really reluctant to tell her (C), because I have a feeling that she is going to take it really hard. She still hasn't really started talking to me again since we adopted J. I feel like I need to tell her so that she doesn't feel bad for being the only one that doesn't know, but I am just worried how she will take the news. I don't necessarily want to wait until I am in my second trimester, only for her to find out that everyone else knew weeks ago. I think it is better to just get it over with; I would want to know if the situation were reversed. I can understand how hard it is to be in that situation, but at the same time, we all get frustrated with her because she won't go to the doctor.

Anyway, I think that is all that is new with me right now. I am still feeling the first tri symptoms, but in a way, they are reassuring to me. Baby J is doing great - I will need to post some updated pictures - and I love being able to spend time with him.

One Week Down

Well, I must admit that my first week back to work wasn't too bad. I did shed a few tears when I had to leave J on Monday, but it wasn't anything too crazy. I think that it has helped that I am working Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, so I still get to spend every other day home with J. He is such a sweet and well-tempered baby, so it isn't like I feel a need for a break or anything like that. J is growing and developing so much right now, so I worry that I will miss something. For example, he is so close to laughing - we got him laughing a little bit last night, but what if when he really begins laughing, it is with my sister?

I am also hoping that I will be able to blog more now that I am back at work. I used to do most of my blogging on my lunch break, so maybe I can get into a good rhythm again and try to stay caught up with what is going on with everyone.

I feel like the first tri symptoms have definitely kicked in more - and I am NOT complaining. There has been much more nausea, a little bit of vomiting, and more fatigue. DH keeps telling me that I should complain to him, but I don't feel like I can. It isn't that I don't think he will listen or sympathize. It's the fact that I have been wanting to get pregnant for over two years and I have always said that I would be so grateful to be sick if that is what it took to have a baby. I still feel that way. I am SO grateful for this opportunity and I pray that it will last and this baby will keep growing and be healthy. And if being sick for a while is what it takes, then I will do it with a smile. I do worry that I can't make the most of the time I do have with J because I feel so tired or nauseas. I know that he won't remember and can't understand what is going on, but I just don't want him to miss out on anything, either.

We Saw the Heartbeat!

Today's appointment went perfect! I was SO nervous - I had pretty much convinced myself that things weren't going to work out. And then the more I dwelled on it, the more I kept imagining that I was cramping and having less pregnancy symptoms. So when I was waiting at the office, I was so nervous I seriously thought that I was going to be sick. I grabbed some kleenex while we were waiting for the doctor to come in and just prepared for getting bad news.

Once the doctor started the ultrasound, he could immediately see the baby. He showed us the heartbeat and it was so amazing to see it flickering on the screen and then to hear it beating. He said that the ultrasound looked perfect! The baby is measuring at 6 weeks, 6 days, which is a little ahead of what I thought I was at. It was seriously the most amazing thing to see. The only other time that I was far along enough to have an ultrasound, we only had bad news - I thought I was ten weeks, but the baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks, 3 days.

Our doctor recommended that we get back in touch with the genetic counselor again. She will review some testing options to see if there is any additional tests we want to do to make sure there are no birth defects. Even though they think that the problem with my chromosomes would lead to miscarriage over a birth defect, we are still at an increased risk.

I feel SO relieved that everything went okay. I know that we aren't out of the woods yet, but it feels good to be this far. DH really wants to tell our families, and I guess I am okay with it. We have told a few close friends, and we told my sister that is living with us. I guess at this point, we would want them to know if things changed and we had a miscarriage, so maybe we might as well tell them now? We'll see...

Back to Work

I am headed back to my first day of work since J was born tomorrow. I will admit that a (very small) part of me has missed my job, but I definitely am wishing that I didn't have to go back. The bright spot is that I will only be working 3 days a week, so at least I will be home a little bit with J. Everyone has warned me that I should fully expect to be in tears when I go in, so we'll see what happens.

My sister moved in with us last weekend, and she is going to be watching J while I am working. We are going to be paying her a little, plus she is getting free room and board. We figured that we would rather have family watch J than have to place him in daycare. My sister is wonderful with kids and has worked as a private duty nanny and as a daycare teacher for a while, so I trust her completely. I just wish that it was me that got to spend the time with him. What if he starts to confuse us? Or thinks that we are the same person? What if he becomes more attached to my sister than he does to me?

I also have the ultrasound looming ahead on Tuesday. Part of me feels very comfortable and confident that things are going to go well, and the other part of me is a nervous wreck. DH is still trying to figure out if he will be able to leave work to come with me. I asked my sister to watch J, since the RE's office doesn't allow you to bring your babies. She doesn't know why she is watching him, just that I have a doctor's appointment to go to. We figured that if everything goes well at the appointment, we will tell her what is going on, since she is living with us.

So, wish me luck as I return to work tomorrow and try to keep my hopes up for Tuesday!

Quick Update

First, thank you so much to everyone for your encouraging words. It helps a lot to remember that I am not alone and that there are others who are experiencing the same emotions as me!

Things are going well. The doctor's office contacted me yesterday to say that they think my numbers look great, and I scheduled an ultrasound for next Tuesday...so hopefully in one week, we will get to see a heartbeat! This morning, my doctor called me to say that he has been reviewing my chart and was excited to hear that I am pregnant. He said that if we see a heartbeat next week, that should hopefully be a good sign that the baby is growing and won't be affected by the chromosome insertion, although he can't say for certain. It meant a lot to me that my doctor would call me himself.

This past weekend was very nice and relaxing. We headed down to St. George to spend some time with family for the new year weekend. My FIL and his wife were there, and they absolutely doted over J. The weekend was very mellow and low-key, but I think it was just what I needed to take my mind off of things. Although I don't feel totally confident that things are going to work out, I definitely feel less paranoid.