I have been feeling a little down the past couple of days, and I think that there are a few different reasons why. I think that the fact that L had her baby is sinking in. I saw another picture of him, and I started looking for which parent he most resembles. Then I remembered that I wouldn’t be able to do that when we get our baby. Also, I cancelled my double insurance coverage today. We have been paying for me to have double health insurance plus Aflac so that when I got pg and had a baby, everything would be more than paid for. We decided that there wasn’t much point to keep paying for extra coverage when I most likely won’t be KU anytime soon.
When I had my individual interview with the case worker, he said that I need to make sure that I allow myself to grieve what I am losing. I am sure that I have posted this before, but that is really hard for me. I am the type of person that tries to be strong and hold everything in. Part of me is afraid that if I allow myself to grieve, then maybe I am not really ready to adopt. I know that I don’t have to be done grieving IF to be ready to adopt, but it is hard. It is hard to be in a different phase than so many of our other friends. It is hard to see what I am giving up in order for us to have kids. Sometimes I feel like there is something missing and I know what it is (wanting kids), and it is so frustrating to not be able to do more about it. So, that void sometimes gets filled with things that are just a temporary fix, like a shopping trip, even though all it does is take the edge off the pain.
Last night, I was working on the scrapbooking pages for our profile. As I was holding one of the pages and looking it over, I wondered how long it would take for a birth mom to be holding this same page and deciding if we are the ones that should get her baby. If you had told me that we would be in this position a few years ago, I probably wouldn’t have believed you. Sometimes it doesn’t seem real…I know that when all is said and done, it will be worth it, it is just the getting there that is hard.