Wednesday, February 10, 2010

I am a Bad Person...

…not really, but sometimes I think that TTC for so long has caused me to develop some less than desirable traits. I used to always be the patient, empathetic person. I could genuinely share the joy and pain of my friends. I feel like TTC has slowly made me jaded. I probably don’t really want to hear all of the details about how you are KU/have morning sickness/saw the heartbeat/etc (even thought I would still want to know that you are KU and things are going well). It’s not that I wouldn’t have cared in the past or that I won’t someday in the future, but just not right now. And while I am sad for someone who goes through a pg loss because I know how hard it can be, there is a small piece of me that is grateful that there is one less person who I might want to avoid and one more person who instead knows what I am going through.

It is thoughts like that which make me realize I am not the person I once was, and in some ways, that is a bad thing. True, TTC has brought DH and I closer together and I also believe that it has brought me closer to my faith. But, I don’t want to be bitter and angry every time pregnancy, babies, and children in general are mentioned. I don’t want to feel like there are people and events that would be easier for me to avoid. I don’t want to be the person that people get awkward around or don’t feel comfortable bringing up certain topics. I don’t want to be that person.

What I do want is to feel more grateful for the things I have been blessed with. I have a loving husband, a warm home, a great job, and amazing family and friends. I want to be the person that people enjoy being around and is a good friend to everyone. I know it will take time and it will be a hard process, but that is the person I want to be again.


  1. I know what you mean and I hate that I can't bring myself to be completely happy for others that get pregnant and have babies easily. It makes me feel like a horrible, fragile, unrecognizable person. I hate that, but you can't just turn off those emotions. There are good days and there are bad days. Don't beat yourself up about it and try to be there for your pregnant/mom friends in whatever way you can.

  2. I so know what you mean, and you are NOT a bad person!!! I always try my best to be as happy as I can for someone who gets KU super easily, and doesn't miscarry, and goes on and on about how horrible is it to be pregnant...but the truth is I'm insanely jealous, and I think its unfair, and I'm envious of their good luck. I just have to tell myself I do the best I can, but on the days I can't put on a happy face I don't force it! Hang in there!!

  3. It is totally normal to feel that way. I think that my successful pregnancy softened those emotions for me, but I still understand them completely and can vividly recall moments of wanting to stab pregnant women for complaining about having to pee!

  4. thanks for stopping by my blog and commenting via LFCA the other day.

    I completely relate to this post. In fact, just this week, some newbie bloggers I've been following have gotten pregnant and I can't help but feel like even though I'm ecstatic for them, I kinda wanted companionship in my journey for a bit longer. It isn't coming out right because I don't want others wallowing the way I have been but you know...

    This is so, so hard... but love our candor in being able to attempt to explain the intracacies and then also talk about our blessings!