…not really, but sometimes I think that TTC for so long has caused me to develop some less than desirable traits. I used to always be the patient, empathetic person. I could genuinely share the joy and pain of my friends. I feel like TTC has slowly made me jaded. I probably don’t really want to hear all of the details about how you are KU/have morning sickness/saw the heartbeat/etc (even thought I would still want to know that you are KU and things are going well). It’s not that I wouldn’t have cared in the past or that I won’t someday in the future, but just not right now. And while I am sad for someone who goes through a pg loss because I know how hard it can be, there is a small piece of me that is grateful that there is one less person who I might want to avoid and one more person who instead knows what I am going through.
It is thoughts like that which make me realize I am not the person I once was, and in some ways, that is a bad thing. True, TTC has brought DH and I closer together and I also believe that it has brought me closer to my faith. But, I don’t want to be bitter and angry every time pregnancy, babies, and children in general are mentioned. I don’t want to feel like there are people and events that would be easier for me to avoid. I don’t want to be the person that people get awkward around or don’t feel comfortable bringing up certain topics. I don’t want to be that person.
What I do want is to feel more grateful for the things I have been blessed with. I have a loving husband, a warm home, a great job, and amazing family and friends. I want to be the person that people enjoy being around and is a good friend to everyone. I know it will take time and it will be a hard process, but that is the person I want to be again.