Monday, May 31, 2010

Weekend Thoughts

First, Happy Memorial Day! I hope that everyone has been able to have an enjoyable three day weekend.

This post is kind of a jumbled mix of thoughts all rolled into one.

Last week, I realized that with a few exceptions, I don't feel like I have really allowed myself to grieve. I am the type of person that always tries to hold it in, be strong, and move forward. Generally, I can't just sit and let life go by without trying to be in control. So, when I got the news about my chromosome testing results, I let it sink in and then started moving forward with a new plan. I haven't changed my mind about what I think we should do, but I also realized that part of being able to move forward and being happy is also allowing myself to acknowledge the things that I could be giving up and to grieve those losses. By no means am I giving up hope of ever having biological children, but I do realize that it could be a really long time before that happens.

One thing that was really brought home to me was the desire to know what features DH and I would pass to our biological kids. Maybe that sounds vain, but that is how it is. Last night, we went over to my BIL and SIL house to celebrate my niece's first birthday. I couldn't help but notice which features she shares with her parents. I then started wondering about how different things would have been if we hadn't had our m/c. Our baby and my niece would only have been 3 months apart. Would they be playing together? Would everyone be wanting to spend time with two babies and not just my niece? I know that it is probably not very healthy to dwell on thoughts like these, but I couldn't help it. Then, my mind started to wander to how things could be if/when DH and I end up adopting. Will our family love our baby as much as their biological grandkid/niece? How will I feel watching my child playing with it's cousin? I know that our family will love our children, regardless of the route they take to get here, but it is still something I think about.

Deep down inside, I know that whatever I have to "give up", it will all be worth it when DH and I have our own baby. I realize that if I don't have biological kids, there will probably always be a part of me that mourns what we never had. But, like I said, by letting some things go, we will be getting more in return.

On a more positive note...I got a wonderful package from my Secret Pal in the mail this weekend! She sent me the "Happiness" Willowtree Statue and a little daily spiritual thought. It was such a thoughtful gift and I love it! It totally made my day!!!

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