Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Breaking Down

I hate that I have been such a downer lately, but I have really been struggling for the past few days. The other night, DH and I had a talk about what our plans are. We didn’t really come to any conclusions besides we can’t make a plan until we meet with the counselor, but we decided that we could potentially be interested in IVF, embryo adoption, or traditional adoption. When we were going to bed that night, I totally broke down. It was like everything that I have been holding in just spilled out and I couldn’t stop crying. I told DH about how scared I am that we will never be parents and how heartbreaking it is to think that maybe we will never be blessed with biological children. I told him how hard it can be to go to church (even though church should be the thing that helps you keep going, right?) because there are so many pregnant women there and so many new babies. I shared with him that I live in fear of the day that our friends tell us they are expecting and how hard it will be to pretend to be happy for them. DH reassured me that yes, one day we will be parents and that we will be moving in the right direction again as soon as we can meet with the counselor. I then said how it will be weird to not be trying next month…no OPKs, no CBEFM, no timed BD. DH told me that as far as he is concerned, he thinks that we should keep trying on our own until we have a different plan in place. He also shared a lot of his feelings/hopes/fears. It helped me to realize that DH is still hopeful and is not giving up, but that he also shares some of my own feelings.

I thought that I was doing a little better today, but then I got an e-mail from a friend saying she just wanted to let us know that she and her husband are expecting a baby on December 14. This totally took me by surprise – out of all of our friends, I thought they were the one couple who wasn’t TTC. I e-mailed her back saying congratulations, but to be honest, I only feel bitter. This may make me sound conceited or judgmental, but I don’t understand why they would have a baby now. B (the wife) seemed to always be making comments about how she would kill herself if she was pg. Her husband was laid off in January (had a few months notice) and still is not working, meanwhile she is working two jobs so that they can get by. If they get to have a baby with less than ideal circumstances, why not us? I know that their situation has nothing to do with our problems, but it is still so frustrating. I honestly feel like I just need to find new friends, but I don’t know where to even start and with my luck they would be TTC and fertile.

I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling bitter and frustrated. I hate feeling like I am on the verge of tears and having my heart break. I hate the fact that I live in fear of my friends making a pg announcement and that I sometimes secretly hope that my pg friends will not end up hanging out with us on the weekend. I just wish that I could catch a break with this whole process – can’t something just come easily for once????


  1. This post is totally what we have already experienced...all the fears & frustrations of ttc. I am truly sorry that you are hurting so bad, I wish I could tell you something to magically make you feel better.

    The emotions will come & go. Some days you will full of positive thoughts and next minute you are sobbing to beat the band. I know that you are happy for your friends but with their situation it makes it hard to justify it in your eyes.


  2. It is really hard to make all those decisions. It's hard to think of IVF with PGD and losing the affected embryos (not to mention the money part), it's hard to morn the loss of the future you thought you had, it's hard to accept that you may never see your husbands eyes in your child--it's all just really hard and it sucks. It really sucks that some have it so easy and have no idea just how great it is.

    I get to look out my window at work and see a pregnant lady taking her smoke break outside the fast food restaurant she works at. I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to put out her cigarette in her eye. We went to high school together and she even knows about all our troubles and makes cracks about if I really want kids that bad she'll give me hers. Oh, and did I mention that she just got out of jail for selling meth?

    There are so many crappy parents out there--it's hard not to judge. We do everything right and it just never seems to work out.

    I hope the counselor can make your decision a little easier and clarify a few things for you.

    Best wishes!

  3. I am so sorry that you're feeling this way. Please know that everything you are feeling is TOTALLY normal... it sucks ... but its normal to have mixed (and sometimes bitter) feelings towards fertile couples.

    I understand what you're saying about your friends and feeling unlucky and "why not us" all the time. Its so hard to exist in the "fertile" world when you're infertile. While I don't have any advice for you to help you handle or get through these situations any better, please know that i'm right there with you, wondering all the same things and feeling all the same feelings. I've never gone through anything this difficult in my whole life and I wouldn't wish it on anyone...

    I'm thinking of you ...

  4. I think the sane thing in this community is that we know exactly what you mean. I hate being that person who gets easily upset with the people who easily get pregnant or whatever when I can't. That's the worst. And the whole wishing church would make you feel better but sometimes it just makes you feel worse... I hate that. I'm not a jealous person and I don't like being jealous, upset and angry at others' situations when it really just has to do with mine.

    Hang in there... (((hugs)))

  5. I'm with you on all of this today. I have so many of the same feelings about what to do next and so much fear that things are just never going to work out for us. Sure it does for other people, but it just feels like it never will for us.


  6. Oh sweetie, I am just so sad for you. You have every right to feel this way. and you don't ever have to apologise on your own blog for putting your feelings out there. Blogging is about venting, at least, I definitely believe that. So just let it all out. What a shock about your friend. I totally understand you questioning 'why them' on that one. I know someone who is having a baby in similar circumstances right now and just gives me the craps. Anyway hang in there and I hope that speaking the counselor will help you make your decision. I know IVF with PGD is incredibly scary, but please don't give up on having a biological child just yet. You just don't know what is in God's plan.
    (((HUGE HUGS)))

  7. Please do not give up hope. In a brief glance of your posts, it would seem that you have a (balanced?) translocation. IVF/PGD can really work wonders but the costs can be difficult. Egg donation (tough decision), adoption and embryo donation may be viable options. Make sure you are going to a facility with excellent success rates. Google embryo donation and visit a few sites. Good luck and try to think that it is not if you will have a child, just when, how and how many. I hope you will not mind a post from a physician.... Craig R. Sweet, M.D.

  8. I think I could have written this post. I feel as though I have all those same fears, breakdowns too. Especially with friends being pregnant. Its tough. My DH is the hopeful one. I'm so grateful for him...I so need to hear his hopefulness!

  9. Does breaking down count as coming easily? *sigh* I know how hard it is hon. It's so difficult. DH is the hopeful one in my relationship as well as Katie....he feels I've given up. What makes you feel good? Do often as possible.