Breaking Down

I hate that I have been such a downer lately, but I have really been struggling for the past few days. The other night, DH and I had a talk about what our plans are. We didn’t really come to any conclusions besides we can’t make a plan until we meet with the counselor, but we decided that we could potentially be interested in IVF, embryo adoption, or traditional adoption. When we were going to bed that night, I totally broke down. It was like everything that I have been holding in just spilled out and I couldn’t stop crying. I told DH about how scared I am that we will never be parents and how heartbreaking it is to think that maybe we will never be blessed with biological children. I told him how hard it can be to go to church (even though church should be the thing that helps you keep going, right?) because there are so many pregnant women there and so many new babies. I shared with him that I live in fear of the day that our friends tell us they are expecting and how hard it will be to pretend to be happy for them. DH reassured me that yes, one day we will be parents and that we will be moving in the right direction again as soon as we can meet with the counselor. I then said how it will be weird to not be trying next month…no OPKs, no CBEFM, no timed BD. DH told me that as far as he is concerned, he thinks that we should keep trying on our own until we have a different plan in place. He also shared a lot of his feelings/hopes/fears. It helped me to realize that DH is still hopeful and is not giving up, but that he also shares some of my own feelings.

I thought that I was doing a little better today, but then I got an e-mail from a friend saying she just wanted to let us know that she and her husband are expecting a baby on December 14. This totally took me by surprise – out of all of our friends, I thought they were the one couple who wasn’t TTC. I e-mailed her back saying congratulations, but to be honest, I only feel bitter. This may make me sound conceited or judgmental, but I don’t understand why they would have a baby now. B (the wife) seemed to always be making comments about how she would kill herself if she was pg. Her husband was laid off in January (had a few months notice) and still is not working, meanwhile she is working two jobs so that they can get by. If they get to have a baby with less than ideal circumstances, why not us? I know that their situation has nothing to do with our problems, but it is still so frustrating. I honestly feel like I just need to find new friends, but I don’t know where to even start and with my luck they would be TTC and fertile.

I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling bitter and frustrated. I hate feeling like I am on the verge of tears and having my heart break. I hate the fact that I live in fear of my friends making a pg announcement and that I sometimes secretly hope that my pg friends will not end up hanging out with us on the weekend. I just wish that I could catch a break with this whole process – can’t something just come easily for once????