WTF!!!

This morning, I decided to e-mail the RE's office to find out if they had heard anything about my chromosome testing results. The nurse called me back and said that they hadn't received any results, so she called the lab that should have completed the testing, and they have NO RECORD OF ANY CHROMOSOME TESTING FOR ME. What??? The nurse confirmed with me again when/where the testing was done, said that she would make a few more calls, and then get back to me. She called me back a little bit later and said that the lab where I went for my draw doesn't have any record of the draw, either. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME??? Does this mean I have to go through another 3WW from hell???

I immediately called the genetic counselor that we are working with and left her a message. I am hoping that somehow, some way, she will be able to track the labs down. Otherwise, it is back to square one. Hopefully, I won't need to go through the entire preauthorization process again. But I really just don't want to have to wait another three weeks to get the results back. I know that in the scheme of things, three weeks isn't that long, but still. This is so frustrating because all of our plans hinge on this one lab test.

Enjoying the "Break"

I'm not taking a break from TTC, but I am taking a break from BBT. AF arrived yesterday afternoon, so today was my first "break" day. Maybe this wouldn't seem like such a big deal to most people, but it was SO nice to be able to get up this morning without having to worry about what my temperature was and whether I was checking it at the right time. I am also taking a break from the CBEFM and trying a regular old OPK instead. Once again, it was so nice to not have to worry about that. It has been at least a year since I have been able to get up in the morning without having to worry about checking my temp or using the CBEFM. I feel so FREE!

The plan is to start taking Clomid 50mg again tomorrow. There is a small chance that we will try IUI this cycle, but I don't think the timing will work out. We are going out of town on CD 13, which I am assuming would be too early for an IUI, right? Plus, depending on the test results, that could all be irrelevant and go out the window, anyway.

For the meanwhile, I am just enjoying my less restrictive cycle and hoping that this could be our month. I am feeling more optimistic than normal this time...not really sure why. Normally, I always have this "I'm just not feeling it" feeling in my gut, but now I am more excited. Maybe it is the Clomid, or maybe it is the fact that we are going on vacation. But for a change, it is nice to feel optimistic and hopeful, rather than like I am just going through the motions.

On another note, I got the sweetest e-mail from DH's younger brother yesterday. His brother, T, is living out of the country right now, so he tries to send a weekly e-mail to all of the family to keep us updated on his life. In yesterday's e-mail he included a little note for DH and me which basically said that he wanted us to know that he is praying for us and our kid situation every night and that he believes it will happen for us. I thought it was really sweet that a 20 year old kid would not only be doing that, but also send me that note. It was so thoughtful and encouraging to remember that we aren't in this alone. Not only are there so many other couples in this situation, but our family is so supportive and are our biggest cheerleaders.

One of Those Days

Today was just one of those blah/down days. There really wasn't any one thing that really made me feel down. I think that it was probably a lot of little things...I started spotting, so I have no hopes for a BFP this cycle, I was feeling stressed about getting some things done for church, feeling tired, seeing ladies with cute pg bellies, just little things like that. It all ended up with me having a little pity party and feeling like I could easily burst into tears about my seemingly non-functional uterus and reproductive system in general. I have been doing a lot of the "why me's?"...why haven't I been able to get pg again? Why can't DH and I expand our family? I know that there are so many couples out there in the same situation and everyone has their cross to carry, but I am getting tired of carrying this one.

I think that I am also really stressing about the upcoming test results. Whatever these results say are going to have a HUGE impact on our course of action. I know that we will still be able to have kids if I have the problem, but the thought of it gives me so much anxiety and just stresses me out. My insurance has a website where you can check your lab results/medical information, and I keep checking it to see if anything was posted, but nothing yet. I should have my results by Friday, but I have a feeling that this is going to be a long week.

So I ended up going to the infertility conference yesterday. I went with my friend, M, who has been struggling with IF for 3+ years. I am glad that I went, even though I wouldn't say that I learned a ton of new information. A lot of what was presented seemed somewhat straight forward, but I did learn a few things, plus it was just good to go with a fellow IF sufferer and get that support. Some of the doctors talked about IF basics, natural methods to improve your fertility, and the emotional aspects of IF. If you have the opportunity to go to a conference in your community, I would recommend checking it out, even if it is just to get another source of support.

Waiting

I decided to POAS today...and got a BFN. So now I am just waiting for AF to arrive. Part of me is trying to be hopeful that maybe I just tested too soon, since I haven't had any spotting at all. I have been cramping for the past few days though, so I really don't want to get my hopes up too much. If I still haven't seen AF by Monday, I will test again.

I sent an e-mail to the RE's office to see what they want to do this cycle. Every part of my plan hinges on getting the chrosome test results back...and those will come any day now. My tentative plan is to do another cycle on Clomid. I am NOT going to temp this month and I am going to try an OPK instead of my CBEFM. I also ordered some Preseed...we usually don't really need it, but sometimes DH wishes that we could use lube, so I figure it can't hurt.

If the test results show that I have the chromosome abnormality, I guess we will be going in to talk to the RE about IVF. I honestly don't know if DH and I will be financially able to go down that road. I started looking into 'medical tourism' - meaning we would go to another country for IVF, but that creates a whole other list of questions.

So, for the meanwhile, we are just holding tight and hoping for the best.

Welcome ICLW!

Happy ICLW! If you are new to my blog, here is a quick overview of my TTC history: I went of BC October 2008 and got a BFP December 23, 2008! Sadly, we found out that our baby didn't have a heartbeat at our first prenatal appointment and I started bleeding a few days later. We continued trying on our own until our first RE appointment March 2010. The RE is testing me to see if I have a chromosome problem (which would essentially mean I have bad eggs) which runs in my family and I am just finishing my first cycle on Clomid.

In cycle news, I got a stellar temperature this morning...99.04! However, I am not getting my hopes up because I also think I might be getting sick. I have had a really sore throat and some other respiratory symptoms, so we'll see what happens. I am either 12DPO or 9DPO depending on how you want to interpret my temps. I am not relying on FF to interpet my chart this month. I figure that I will wait and see what my body decides to do the rest of the week, and then maybe I will test Saturday or Sunday.

Also, a BIG THANK YOU to my April Secret Pal! She sent me this super cute bracelet that has charms saying "achieve", "success", and "believe". I love it, it made my day, and it fits perfectly. Thank you so much!!!

Help me Decide

When I found out that my good friend L was KU, I decided that I wanted to make her a baby blanket. I have found that making a blanket/similar item for friends who are KU makes it a little easier to deal with my lack of children.

Anyway...I originally found a pattern for a rag quilt to make for L. The only problem is that all of the fabric that I like is quite expensive...meaning this blanket would cost much more than I am willing to spend on her. Other options that I have thought of are to crochet a baby blanket, just make a receiving blanket or bibs, or buy something from her registry. I just can't decide what to do...part of me is leaning towards crocheting a blanket, part of me thinks I should find another pattern, and another part says to just do something more simple.

If you have any ideas or want to help me with my decision, check out my poll or leave a comment. I would love to get some feedback!

Race Day!

On Saturday I ran the Salt Lake City 5K. I decided to sign up for this race a few months ago because I figured that it would give me something besides IF and TTC to focus on, plus it would be something that I would actually have some control over. I was planning on running the race alone, but then I got an e-mail from my dad on Thursday asking me when/where we were going to meet up to run together. My dad is an excellent runner, and apparently he had told me that he would run with me, but I had spaced it. It totally made my day!

Before we began the race, I reminded my dad that I am not as good of a runner as he is and that it wouldn't hurt my feelings at all if he did not want to keep pace with me. He was so nice and said that "he wasn't there to win anything" and he stayed with me the entire time.

DH took this picture of my dad and me just after we had crossed the finish line. My original goal was to complete the race in 35 minutes (I know, not super fast), and I am pleased to say that I ran it in 35 minutes, 31 seconds. I think that is close enough...goal met! I also finished 19th (out of 80) in my division, and right about in the middle of all the participants.

While we were cooling down after the race, we ran into two of our good friends, J and G. I had no idea that they were running, so it was fun to see them unexpectedly.

I am really glad that I stuck with it and ran this race. It was good to have something to focus and something healthy to keep me motivated. I think that I will probably start training for a 10K. It is nice to remember that their are goals out there that I can have control over and achieve.

I just need to stop stressing myself out. I know that I tend to over analyze everything, and it just makes me super stressed. I guess I just have to have faith that what the RE saw is right and if not, hopefully there were still some swimmers up there that were alive and kicking. I think that I need to take a break from charting after this cycle. We are going out of town in May, so I figure that will be the perfect time to take a break.


I signed DH and me up to attend an infertility conference that is being held in Salt Lake next Saturday. One of my friends referred me to it and I thought it sounded interesting. It is in association with the National Infertility Awareness Week and Resolve, so hopefully it should be good. If anyone has been to a conference like this before, did you feel like it was worth your while? Would you recommend going?

Confusing Clomid

So, I thought one of the benefits of taking Clomid is that it is supposed to make your cycles be more regular??? Here I am on CD 17 and feeling super confused. Last week at the u/s, the RE said that it looked like I was Oing or about to O. I thought that was great news! I was having some O pain plus some EWCM. The only concern I had was that I hadn't gotten a peak on my CBEFM. DH and I made sure that we BD and thought that all was good. Fast forward to today, and I still haven't gotten a peak, I haven't seen a consistent temperature rise, I am having some slight O pains, plus I have more EWCM than I did on CD 12!!! WTF!?! I don't know if I should just assume that I did O based on the RE's assessment, or is my body just confused and messed up? If I haven't O'd, I don't want to stop BD and risk missing it, but at the same time, I don't want to keep scheduling it if it isn't necessary. I know that we have to keep BD until I am sure one way or the other, but still...

Monitoring Appointment

I had my monitoring appointment for my first Clomid cycle last Friday. Everything went really well. My doctor wasn't in, so I saw another RE in the office. He was really helpful. He told me that he could see two follies and that it *appeared* that I was ovulating right around the appointment time. Apparently there was quite a bit of fluid that he could see on the u/s that indicated O? He told me to make sure we "try to get pg" for the next four days and then I will either by KU or AF will come.

The frustrating thing is that my CBEFM still hasn't shown a peak. It never peaked last month, so this could be the second month in a row that it missed it. I guess it is possible I still haven't O'd yet...but I think that I did. My O pains have gone away and I haven't had as much EWCM. My temps haven't been really conclusive, but I also got up super early this morning, so I don't feel that today's was super accurate. So, while I am hoping that the Clomid works this time and I end up KU, I am also thinking about trying an OPK in addition to the CBEFM. I have heard the Clear Blue Easy OPKs are good, but does anyone have any recommendations?

So yesterday during church our Bishop got up and started talking about how he and his wife have struggled with IF. He said that they got their twins through IVF (which I knew) and that there other daughter was a miracle baby. He talked about how they would really like to have a fourth child, and that the process of going through IF has really taught him and his wife about how aware God is of their family. Of course I ended up crying, but I thought it was kind of cool how he would be so open and talk about this struggle. A few minutes later, another lady got up and talked about how she gave birth a few weeks ago to her son who had died in-utero. At that point, I got really choked up and started crying even more. I don't really know this person (I just know who she is), but it struck me about how common of a problem having children is. Most of us grow up thinking that we will be able to have as many babies as we want and that they will come when we want them. Instead, so many of us are faced with this struggle...it doesn't discriminate.

Good News!!!

When I got to work this morning, I saw that I had an e-mail from the genetic counselor we have been working with. She told us that she was able to get the chromosome testing approved!!! I guess the problem is that there is only one doctor on the review committee that is really familiar with genetic testing and why someone in our situation would need it. So, she scheduled the appeal when she knew he would be there, which resulted in our approval! I am just waiting for her to fax the order to the lab, and then I can go get the testing done. The results will take about three weeks to get, but at least then we will know either way.

As a reminder...My RE recommended that I get tested for a chromosome balance translocation because it runs in my family. My mom has it, and she had eight m/c (although she was able to have five kids). If I have it, there is a good chance that some of my eggs would be affected so badly that it would not be compatible with life. He said that any pg would have a 2/3 chance of m/c. So, if we do have it, he is recommending we go straight to IVF. I am keeping my fingers crossed that the testing comes out all clear. The RE said that he would guess there is a greater than 10% chance that I have it, so I guess the odds are hopefully in my favor that everything comes back okay.

In other news...tomorrow is my first monitoring appointment. I am a little nervous. I wish that there was a way to already know that the Clomid is working - like I could feel my follies growing or something. I have had a few O-type twinges, so hopefully things will go well at tomorrow's appointment!

Easter Weekend

This past weekend was a lot of fun!

I didn't end up getting together with my friends on Saturday night, but instead went out with my mom and sisters. We just went to the mall and then out for a treat, but it was still a lot of fun. I don't remember the last time that I went out with all three of my sisters and my mom at the same time, so it was obviously overdue. While we were out shopping, I got these new crop pants from American Eagle.

The best part about buying them was finding out that I have gone down almost two sizes since the last time I bought pants there! It is nice to see that even though the scale isn't changing much, my body is responding to my running and increased time at the gym!

Everything went well on Easter Sunday. It was a little bit stressful cooking all day and trying so many new recipes, but everything turned out and I think that everyone had a good time. I should have taken some pictures to have proof of my work, but the only proof I am left with now is refrigerated leftovers and sore feet! :)

Friday Thoughts

Today is my third day on Clomid. So far, I haven't noticed any crazy side effects, which is a relief. The only thing I have noticed is that my boobs are a little sore and I have been waking up a few times in the night because I am hot. I am sure that DH is relieved I haven't been feeling too crazy. I warned him that I heard some people end up getting really bitchy, so he was expecting the worst.

We got our information packet from the adoption agency yesterday. Basically, their charge is 10% of your gross annual income, with a minimum charge of $4000 and a maximum charge of $10,000. DH and I didn't really get a chance to talk about all of the information (my cousin is staying with us for a few days while she visits from CA), but I guess we just need to talk about it and decide whether we are ready to take that plunge, or if we want to just stick with what we are doing now.

I am really looking forward to this weekend. My church has a semi-annual general conference, which is basically when our prophet and other church leaders speak to church members via a broadcast on Saturday and Sunday. I always love getting that spiritual boost. Plus, on Saturday night, there is a meeting that is held just for the guys. My friends and I have started a girls night out tradition during this time, and we always have so much fun! We are still trying to decide on all the details...we will for sure go to dinner, and then either go shopping, see a movie, or get pedicures.

I am also excited for Sunday, because we are having Easter dinner at my house. This is the first holiday that I have ever hosted at my house, so I am a little nervous, but I think it will be fun. My family plus my MIL and her husband are coming over, so we should have a good group. Have a happy Easter!