Sunday, December 20, 2009

Too Much Stress

I feel like this has been a very stressful, emotional weekend.

On Saturday (yesterday) we had two Christmas parties to go to. The first was a family party with my father-on-law's side of the family. There were several family members there that hadn't ever seen my seven month old niece, so she was the center of attention. I love my niece and think she is darling, but it was hard to have everyone go crazy over her when I kept thinking that if things would've turned out, I would have a four month old baby. The family should have all wanted to see my baby, too.

The second party that we went to was with our friends. My good friend that is barely KU, "A", was hosting the party. One of the girls that was there is due with her first baby this week. A lot of the conversation focused on her pregnancy and what it was like. Even though "A" is still keeping her news quiet, she still had a lot of questions for our friend. Even though I really am happy for both of them, it was hard to share their excitement. Later we were playing a game, and I kept having bad luck and drawing the cards that moved me back on the bored. "A" kept joking about all the bad luck I have and "what have you done for karma to screw you over?" and I kept thinking "no kidding".

Tonight we went with my mother-in-law's extended family downtown to look at the Christmas lights. Once again, my niece was there and it seemed like half the night was spent taking pictures of her. It was hard because I kept thinking that I should have a baby there or at least I should have one in my ute.

Maybe this sounds bad, but I honestly cannot wait for the Christmas season to be over. 2009 has been such a crappy year and I am ready for a fresh start. DH and I are pretty religious, and sometimes I wonder how long God is going to make me go through this trial before enough is enough. How much pain do I have to be in? How long do I have to deal with it? I know that there are many people out there who have gone or are going through much worse than we are, but this is seriously so hard for me. Before we started TTC, I used to always think that the one trial I did not want to have to face was infertility. I was so relieved when I got KU so easily, but that relief was obviously premature. There are days when I hate to see pg woman or babies and I feel so bitter...and that is not me. I don't want to be that bitter, jaded person, but sometimes I hurt so bad that I can't help it.

I feel like these feelings of sadness and stress have been a lot worse in the past few days. I think that it is a combination of the time of year and my friends' recent BFPs. I have been trying to do little things to take my mind of TTC (I went to get a pedicure yesterday), but it is always a temporary fix. Today I was trying to remember the last time I really felt carefree and happy, and it has honestly been a long time. How sad is it that I can't hardly even remember when it was???

To top things off, DH's cousin recently moved in with us for a few months. He is getting married in March and his fiance lives near us (he was living about 2-3 hours away). He is a good kid, but I am seriously having a hard time adjusting to someone else in the house. I feel like my routines are all messed up and that I can't just relax when I get home. If I make it to March without going insane, I think it will be a miracle!

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