On to Happier Things...

I am 99% sure that I am not KU this cycle. I am not surprised and really not that dissapointed. Ever since CD1, I have had a feeling that it wasn't going to happen this time. I am okay with it, although I would have obviously still like to be proven wrong. I had a little bit of spotting this morning, so we'll see if AF shows up in the next day or so.

Anyway, on to happier things:

A big "THANK YOU" to Type A for giving me my very first blog award! How exciting is that?!?!

The instructions that go along with this award are as follows:
* Thank the person who nominated you for this award.

* Copy the award and place it in your blog.

* Link the person who nominated you for this award.

* Tell us 7 interesting things about you.

* Nominate 7 bloggers.

* Post the links to the 7 bloggers you nominate.

***Here are seven interesting things about me***

1. My very favorite book of all time is Gone with the Wind. I have read it several times and know I will read it several more.
2. I started playing the piano when I was in kindergarten, but am sadly out of practice.
3. I have a HUGE phobia of snakes and spiders. It is so bad that I can't even walk by them in the pet store and watching them on TV gives me the creeps.
4. When I go grocery shopping, I try to keep my cart organized with like items together (i.e. refrigerated foods in one part, produce in another, cans separate). I do this so that they will hopefully be bagged that way and it will be easier to put them away when I get home.
5. I grew up with the "greatest snow on earth" and just a few minutes away from great ski resorts, but I don't ski or snowboard. I tried boarding 4 years ago and do not like it.
6. I enjoy cooking and wish I had more time to try out new recipes.
7. I cannot stand milk. I won't even put it on my cereal.

***Seven Bloggers that I Give this Award to***
Ibis

Emma

Coco

My Basic World

Leda

Al Anonymous

AnxiousMummy

Thank you ladies for sharing your thoughts and insights with the me and the rest of the TTC/IF world!

*****

As a side note: I am trying to plan a delicious Valentine's dinner for DH and me. I know that V-day is still a few weeks off, but I am really trying to plan ahead. I figure that we will go out for Valentine's on Saturday night, so I want to make a fancier dinner and dessert on Sunday. I know I want to make a chocolate cheesecake, but besides that I am still pretty clueless. Please let me know if you have any ideas!

Looking Back

It was one year ago today that everything came crashing down.

DH and I were so excited that the day of our first prenatal check-up had finally arrived. I was 9 weeks, 4 days pregnant, and we couldn’t wait to meet our little baby for the first time. While we were in the waiting room, DH joked about what we would do if there was more than one heartbeat. I said that I knew we would make it work, and that I would just be grateful to have one heartbeat. I suddenly got this thought in the back of my mind about how I hoped our situation would be different than the miscarriage scene in the movie “Marley and Me”; we had just watched the movie a few weeks ago. I tried to push the thought out of my mind because we hadn’t had any problems, but it still nagged at me.

When we were called back for the appointment and the nurse was checking me in, I still had that same nagging feeling, but I kept trying to push it away. It was almost like my subconscious was warning me that there wasn’t going to be a happy ending. I remember thinking “what if there really isn’t a baby in there?”

The nurse directed us to a room and had me change into a hospital gown. When I took of my underwear, DH noticed a little bit of something that looked like brown blood. I hadn’t had any spotting at all, so I figured we would just ask the doctor about it during the appointment. When my doctor came in, she decided to start with an u/s. She made a comment about my uterus “being small” and needing to do a transvaginal u/s to have a better picture. She called her nurse back in and started checking things again. Once the transvaginal u/s started, DH and I could immediately tell that there was a problem. I could see her looking at the monitor and checking the baby’s measurements, but she didn’t say anything. Finally, she had DH come around and she showed us what she was looking at. The news was crushing. She informed us that our baby did not have a heartbeat that was visible on the u/s and that it only measured to 6 weeks 4 days. The doctor told us there were two possibilities: the first, and more likely, was that I was having a late m/c. The second possibility was that my dates were three weeks off and that it was barely too early to see the heartbeat. She recommended having blood work done immediately after the appointment and then in two days to see if my hormone levels were sufficiently rising. I agreed to the blood work, even though I knew that there was no way that my dates were three weeks off. How else would I have gotten a BFP when I did? After answering our questions, she left DH and me alone in the exam room. I immediately broke down while I tried to get dressed and make sense of the situation.

I went to have my blood drawn and then headed home. Once we got home, I started crying again. I called my mom to let her know what had happened and DH told his parents. My parents came over that night to bring us dinner and help us cope. I called in to work for the rest of the week, because I knew there was no way I could handle being there. My mom spent most of the next few days with my as I prepared myself for the inevitable. She was GREAT, because she knew exactly what I was going through. My mom has had eight miscarriages, so she was such a big help.

Two days after my blood work, I drove back to the lab. I went home and waited for the phone call that would confirm what we were all expecting. Later that afternoon, I started bleeding. I freaked out and called my mom and DH (they both had to go into work), who both came back to the house as quickly as possible. I believe I passed our baby that next day, which would have been my ten week mark.

Looking back, I would still say that the m/c is the most physically and emotionally painful thing that I have gone through. After it happened, I remember thinking that “at least I knew I could get pg” and that “We should be able to have another baby quickly because I got pg so quickly and easily the first time”. I thought for sure that I would be pg again by the time my SIL had her baby in May, or at least by the time my baby would have been due in August.

Now, it is a year later, and I feel like we are in the same situation. Nothing has changed, and I feel like I am no closer to having a baby of my own. I still don’t understand why we had to lose our baby, and I probably never will. It is just as confusing and frustrating to me today as it was a year ago. I do feel that this experience has changed me in many ways and has brought DH and me closer together, but I am more than ready to move on and begin the next chapter of our family.

I Made Up My Mind

After a lot of contemplation and going back and forth, I made up my mind to go see the RE. I made an appointment to see Dr. G (who my friend recommended) on March 3. I feel really good about this and I think that I made the right decision. I am also going in to see my normal family doctor for a physical on February 12. I think that between the two appointments, I will be able to get some answers and keep heading in the right direction.

Second Thoughts

First, thank you to everyone who has visited my blog from ICLW week! This has been the first time I participated, and I have really enjoyed having you visit my blog and getting to know more of you.

Anyway, I am having second thoughts about whether it is time to see an RE. When I first started thinking about going to one, I felt excited by it because it meant I was being proactive and doing all that I can to get KU. Then, I started thinking about it more and I did a little bit of research, and for some reason, it just didn't feel right. Yesterday, I got an e-mail back from a friend who I had asked about her RE experiences. She highly recommended the doctor that she had seen and recommended just going to an RE rather than relying on the OB/GYN. So, that made me start leaning back to making an appointment. I am not sure if it started to feel okay again because she was able to recommend someone so highly, but I feel like I am being torn between the two sides. I can't think of any real reason to NOT go, other than it didn't feel like the right decision before I got her e-mail. I know that I don't have to decide right away, but I hate feeling like I am in limbo. I talked to DH about it, and he said that based on what my friend says, we should see the RE, but he will respect my decision either way.

On a side note, FF says that today is 3 DPO. I think that it probably about right, but I still feel like I have some O pain, which I just don't get. Why does it stick around for so long?

The Game Plan

I feel like I have done a lot of thinking in the 24 hours since my appointment. DH and I talked a lot, and I also talked to my mom and another friend struggling with getting KU. As of right now, this is my game plan, although details are subject to change:

1. I will make sure DH and I BD every other night from CD 8 - CD 20.
2. I will keep taking my meds (prenatal, progesterone).
3. I will go see my family doctor for a physical to make sure I am healthy and everything is okay.
4. I will keep trying to eat better and exercise so that I know I am doing everything possible to be as healthy as possible.
5. I will get a second opinion (not sure if I should find an RE or just talk to another OB) and ask about additional testing.
6. I will follow-up with my doctor in three months if I am not KU yet.

I feel okay with this plan, but I just wish that step 5 wasn't necessary. Hopefully I will get some answers!

Back from the Doctor

I had my long-awaited appointment with my OB/GYN today to talk about why I am not KU yet.
The appointment went okay, but it was kind of frustrating too.

My appointment was at 10:50, but I didn’t see the doctor until around 11:40. When she did come in, she seemed kind of rushed. She pulled up my file and said “it looks like the last time you were here, we talked about how you were thinking about starting to try to conceive”. I said no, the last time I was there was when I came in for my first prenatal appointment and instead found out I was having a miscarriage. Apparently she couldn’t find the note from my last visit, so I had to recap everything for her…not fun, especially since she is KU. We went over DH’s semen analysis and my HSG. She confirmed that my HSG looked great, but she said that there were a few abnormalities with the morphology of DH’s sperm (we had originally heard this was normal). Originally, she said that she didn’t think that it was a factor because his sample had so many sperm in it. She asked if DH had any health problems, and when I told her that DH is diabetic she said that could be an issue and pose problems with the sperm that maybe wouldn’t be seen on the analysis. I explained that DH hadn’t monitored his diabetes until recently, but has started making a lot of changes and lost a lot of weight. She thinks that may have contributed to our lack of pregnancy.

She recommended that we expand our FWP to every other day beginning on day 8 and ending on day 20 and to keep closely monitoring DH’s blood sugar and diabetes. I am supposed to call her if I am not pregnant in three more months. At that point, she said she would recommend trying Clomid and IUI.

I just felt frustrated because it seemed like the appointment was rushed and I didn’t get a chance to ask all of my questions. She didn’t seem concerned about the increased ovulation pain that I have had and she said that my mom’s chromosome translocation probably isn’t a factor. Going forward, I guess I have a plan for the next few months, but I just wish I had had more time during the appointment to ask questions. I also thought it seemed a little premature to talk about IUI when we have hardly done any other testing. Would IUI even work if there is some other problem going on? At this point, I am of course hoping that I get KU within the next three cycles, but after that...I don't know. Do I ask for a second opinion? Insist on more testing? It is all so confusing!

Early Peak

DH and I had a great long weekend together. I always love it when three day weekends come around, especially when Monday is the day that we get to take off. It seems to make the weekend last so much longer. We decided to spend Friday night at home, but on Saturday we went to the car show with some friends. This has become a tradition of sorts with us, since we have gone with these same friends for the last three years. I don't know why, but I really enjoy checking out all the cars. Sunday and Monday were also spent at home watching 24. We LOVE this show and the new season just started with a four hour premier split between the two nights.

Another good benefit to the long weekend is that it gave us plenty of time for BD. Good thing too, since my monitor showed a 'peak' yesterday, which is two days earlier than I was expecting. I am kind of not sure what to think about that. I have had so much O pain this cycle - and I continuing to have it - that I don't know if I should believe that I have really peaked. I still have EWCM, and I know that the peak doesn't necessarily indicate that I have O'd, but rather that O is imminent. I guess I just feel really confused and frustrated with my cycle. I should be grateful that my cycle is somewhat regular and that I am most likely Oing each time, but I still feel like something is "off". Maybe I am just being a hypochondriac. I go to the doctor tomorrow, so hopefully she can shed some light on the situation.

CD 7 Musings

My left ovary hurts. REALLY BAD. Bad enough that I ended up taking ibuprofen and wishing for a hot pack, and I have a pretty high pain tolerance. My boobs hurt, too. The thing is, today is only CD 7. This same thing has happened for the past few cycles, and I really don't get it. This seems awfully early for me to be having O pain. I am not complaining...I know there are plenty of girls out there who would kill for O pain...it just makes me curious. Could it be a bad thing that I get O pain so early? And that it lasts so long (usually 5 days or so after O)? I was finally able to get a copy of my hormone readings from when I was in the Eager study. It looks like my Luteneizing (sp?) hormone was a little elevated during this point of my cycle. Are the two related??? Is it even relevant??? I go see my doctor a week from today, so hopefully she will have some answers for me.

Besides the cycle mysteries, everything is pretty normal with me. Work has been fairly busy, which I enjoy. I have been somewhat diligent about going to the gym and eating better. I have tried to adapt the mantra: "Would I rather eat _____ or have a baby?" Maybe the fact that I need to lose about ten pounds isn't related to the fact that I am not KU, but you never know. I figure I might as well take whatever motivation I can get.

Back on the Wagon

After having such high temps at the end of last cycle, I decided to get back on the wagon and chart my temperatures again. I guess there really isn't that big of a need for it since I use a CBEFM, but I decided it couldn't hurt. The crazy thing is that it is taking forever for my temps to drop. My coverline used to be around 97.6ish, and I am still above 98.0. It makes me wonder even more if I really did have a CP last cycle.

For some reason, I haven't really been that stressed about TTC so far this cycle. I am not sure if it is because I have a doctor's appointment next week and that is keeping me preoccupied, or if maybe it is because since AF arrived, I just haven't been "feeling it". Last night, DH asked me when we would have to start FWP again, and it took me a minute to be able to answer him; normally I would know the answer immediately. Whatever the reason, it has been kind of nice to not have TTC be such a stress.

I Did Pretty Well

Last night, DH and I had our good friends over. We have a good group of friends, but there are two couples, the S's and the O's. who we spend time with pretty regularly. We went to dinner and then the girls all made a craft while the boys had the ultimate Xbox experience. Seriously...we had three TVs lined up in my family room so that each guy could have his own TV while they played online together. I usually look forward to these kind of nights. We have so much fun with them and I am always up for doing a craft with the ladies. However, I was a little bit nervous about how much fun I was going to have, seeing as these are my two friends that both had BFPs on their first cycle TTC. Granted, the S's lost their baby, but the O's haven't and her due date is just a week or two before my baby would have been born. Although they aren't really telling many people that they are KU, she will still make comments about how "her boobs hurt" or she "has to unbutton her pants because she just feels so bloated". It is always hard to hear.

Fortunately, the evening went pretty well. She didn't talk about her pg too much, and when it did come up, I was okay with it. I don't know if she finally realized that it is hard for us to here her talk about it with both the S's and me having a loss, but it was better than it has been in previous weeks. I have been trying really hard to be happy for her. It's not like I want anything to go wrong with her pg, but I just wish that I was in that situation again. I try not to think about it, but it sucks that she got something so easily when they just figured it was time to start trying, meanwhile DH and I have been trying for over a year. I realize that we all have our own issues and trials to work through, but the crappy thing about TTC is that it seems to be always in your face.

Anyway, enough with my rambling. I am hoping that things will continue to be better and I won't dread hanging around the O's. I guess things could change if the S's are able to get KU again quickly, but we'll see what happens.

Good Times, Good Times

Before I get started on this post, I need to give a little bit of background information:

For almost as long as I can remember, my best friend has been T. We first met when we were four years old and her family came to look at the next door neighbor's house that was for sale. We started playing outside while her parents looked through the house, and the rest is history - we have been best friends ever since! A year or two after high school, T moved about a four hour drive away. Even though we only get to see each other a few times a year, we are still good friends and I honestly think that we always will be.

Anyway, I got a surprise text message on Tuesday from T saying that she was coming into town for a few days and wanted to get together. I was stoked because the last time we saw each other was when I was down in her neck of the woods last February. We ended up getting together with a few other friends from high school last night, and it was seriously so much fun! We just went to dinner at Chili's, but it was so much fun to see everyone. T also brought her new baby boy, and it was fun to see and hold him. T had a m/c about a month before I did, but was fortunately able to get pg again quickly and now her son is about 3 months old. I was a little nervous that it would be hard for me to be around her baby, but it wasn't bad at all. He is so stinking cute and has the LONGEST eyelashes. It was such a fun evening and DH was a WAY good sport for coming along and listening to us reminisce.

On a lamer note, AF arrived in FULL force this morning. This may be TMI, but I got up with the dog around 1:30 and decided to pee. At that time, nothing seemed to really have changed. I was still spotting, but it wasn't bad, so I figured that my panty liner would be fine. Fast forward to this morning...I go to the bathroom and find that my underwear is soaked...compliments of AF. It seriously looked like she had tried to get my period all over in a matter of a few hours. Gross, I know. Fortunately, the cramping hasn't been too bad today and things have slowed down since this morning.

I am usually able to be somewhat optimistic about TTC during this point of my cycle. I have gotten over the disappointment of not being KU and am hopeful for things to come. But for some reason, I am already kind of "not feeling it" this time around. I don't know if it is because I thought that I was KU last time, or what. I go to the doctor to talk about options and "where we go from here" in a couple of weeks, so maybe that will help.

BFN

I haven't charted for a while, but I decided to check my temperature this morning because I felt so hot. To my delight, it was 99.04, which is higher than it ever was when I was charting. After consulting with the Bump ladies, I decided that I would POAS after work, assuming there was no spotting. This is kind of a big deal for me, because I have a phobia of getting a BFN. I rarely POAS unless AF is late. Anyway, I POAS and got a BFN. I was super disappointed, but figured that maybe it was a little too early or maybe the problem was that I didn't use my morning urine. I headed off to the gym, having decided that I would wait until Wednesday and then retest if nothing changed.

When I came home from the gym, I went to the bathroom to check my underwear to check things out. Unfortunately, there was the start of some brown discharge. It looks like I am out this cycle. I was trying so hard not to get my hopes up, but it was still really hard and discouraging to see. I then turned on my "I'm Frustrated Mix" - the CD I listen to when I am mad - and made dinner.

I told DH that it didn't look like I was KU during dinner. I feel dumb saying this, but I started to cry when I told him. I was hoping that this was my cycle, and it really seemed like maybe it was going to work out. I feel so frustrated and down with TTC. I know that I need to remain optimistic, but it is hard to understand why we have to wait to have a baby. We can provide for a baby and there are so many women who get KU that can't.

DH was really supportive when I told him and reminded me that it is okay to cry and be upset. I think that I even saw him tear up, too. He reminded me that as hard as it is to hear, sometimes all we can do is hang on to a tiny piece of hope. I know that he is right, but right now it doesn't make it easier. All I want is to be a mom, and I feel like that dream is always just out of reach. I know that I keep saying that I will be more positive, and maybe after my initial disappointment, I will be able to. Someone on the Bump shared a quote tonight that said "You have to change your mind if you want to change your experience". I thought it was a well-timed reminder that even though I can't control my situation, I can control how I react to it and what I learn from it. I might as well make the most of my situation and become stronger and a better person as a result.

One Good Thing...

I have been really trying to be more optimistic lately. Poor DH has to hear me complain...a lot, lately...so I have been thinking positive and realizing that 2009 wasn't all awful. I know that there are a lot of people out there who have had to deal with a lot more difficult things than I have. Anyway, I have been trying to look for the positive and not be so negative. I have decided that there has been one good thing about having the m/c and having it take so long for us to get pg:

I have noticed that over the past year, DH has become much more excited about having a baby. He is so much more involved in what is going on in my cycle, when it is time to BD, when it is time to test, etc. He will bring up the topic of parenthood and what he is looking forward to. He is also much more sensitive to how I might be feeling when the "baby" topic is brought up or another friend announces that she is pg. It has been amazing to see the transformation and how much more excited DH is to be a dad. It makes me so excited to see how he reacts when I finally do get KU and we have our own baby.

Also, an update on my cycle:
I believe that today is 10 DPO. I have mixed feelings about this cycle. On the one hand, I know that our timing was perfect; however, our timing has been perfect plenty of other times. I had the HSG this cycle, so hopefully our odds of conceiving increased. I have had a ton of phantom symptoms (big and sore boobs, tired, easily become nauseous), but I don't want to get my hopes up. On Friday night (8 DPO), I started having a tiny bit of brown spotting, and it was gone by yesterday. I still have some discharge, but it has been clear. Part of me wants to believe that the spotting I had was due to implantation, but I don't want to get my hopes up and then be really disappointed when AF arrives. I told DH that I would test on Wednesday if I don't start spotting again, so we'll see what happens.