Monday, January 4, 2010


I haven't charted for a while, but I decided to check my temperature this morning because I felt so hot. To my delight, it was 99.04, which is higher than it ever was when I was charting. After consulting with the Bump ladies, I decided that I would POAS after work, assuming there was no spotting. This is kind of a big deal for me, because I have a phobia of getting a BFN. I rarely POAS unless AF is late. Anyway, I POAS and got a BFN. I was super disappointed, but figured that maybe it was a little too early or maybe the problem was that I didn't use my morning urine. I headed off to the gym, having decided that I would wait until Wednesday and then retest if nothing changed.

When I came home from the gym, I went to the bathroom to check my underwear to check things out. Unfortunately, there was the start of some brown discharge. It looks like I am out this cycle. I was trying so hard not to get my hopes up, but it was still really hard and discouraging to see. I then turned on my "I'm Frustrated Mix" - the CD I listen to when I am mad - and made dinner.

I told DH that it didn't look like I was KU during dinner. I feel dumb saying this, but I started to cry when I told him. I was hoping that this was my cycle, and it really seemed like maybe it was going to work out. I feel so frustrated and down with TTC. I know that I need to remain optimistic, but it is hard to understand why we have to wait to have a baby. We can provide for a baby and there are so many women who get KU that can't.

DH was really supportive when I told him and reminded me that it is okay to cry and be upset. I think that I even saw him tear up, too. He reminded me that as hard as it is to hear, sometimes all we can do is hang on to a tiny piece of hope. I know that he is right, but right now it doesn't make it easier. All I want is to be a mom, and I feel like that dream is always just out of reach. I know that I keep saying that I will be more positive, and maybe after my initial disappointment, I will be able to. Someone on the Bump shared a quote tonight that said "You have to change your mind if you want to change your experience". I thought it was a well-timed reminder that even though I can't control my situation, I can control how I react to it and what I learn from it. I might as well make the most of my situation and become stronger and a better person as a result.


  1. Im so sorry. I know it hurts.

  2. Hello!

    My name is Elisabeth, and I am an infertility / repeated pregnancy loss "veteran". You can read a little bit about me and my experiences in my blog: . I am completing a PhD in Counseling Psychology, and my dissertation is focused upon the impact of infertility on marriage. I believe strongly that there is a need for better support services for men and women who are undergoing IF diagnosis and treatment, and my hope is that this study will aid in the development of such services.

    I am contacting you after stumbling across your blog. I am recruiting participants for my study, and wanted to invite you and your husband to take part. All that would be involved would be the completion of an online survey, that would take approximately 20 minutes. All couples who complete the surveys will receive a voucher good for a pair of free movie tickets at a Regal Cinemas.

    Please let me know if you are interested by emailing me at . I have included the criteria for participation below.

    Feel free to pass information along to anyone you know who might be interested in contributing to this study.

    Best of luck to you!

    Member of a married, heterosexual couple
    Both you and your spouse are between the ages of 20 – 45
    You do not have any biological or adopted children living in your home
    You are not currently pregnant
    Either you, your spouse, or both has received an infertility diagnosis
    You have received treatment for infertility in the past six months, or plan to do so in the next six months
    Both you and your partner are willing to participate & have access to the internet