I haven't charted for a while, but I decided to check my temperature this morning because I felt so hot. To my delight, it was 99.04, which is higher than it ever was when I was charting. After consulting with the Bump ladies, I decided that I would POAS after work, assuming there was no spotting. This is kind of a big deal for me, because I have a phobia of getting a BFN. I rarely POAS unless AF is late. Anyway, I POAS and got a BFN. I was super disappointed, but figured that maybe it was a little too early or maybe the problem was that I didn't use my morning urine. I headed off to the gym, having decided that I would wait until Wednesday and then retest if nothing changed.
When I came home from the gym, I went to the bathroom to check my underwear to check things out. Unfortunately, there was the start of some brown discharge. It looks like I am out this cycle. I was trying so hard not to get my hopes up, but it was still really hard and discouraging to see. I then turned on my "I'm Frustrated Mix" - the CD I listen to when I am mad - and made dinner.
I told DH that it didn't look like I was KU during dinner. I feel dumb saying this, but I started to cry when I told him. I was hoping that this was my cycle, and it really seemed like maybe it was going to work out. I feel so frustrated and down with TTC. I know that I need to remain optimistic, but it is hard to understand why we have to wait to have a baby. We can provide for a baby and there are so many women who get KU that can't.
DH was really supportive when I told him and reminded me that it is okay to cry and be upset. I think that I even saw him tear up, too. He reminded me that as hard as it is to hear, sometimes all we can do is hang on to a tiny piece of hope. I know that he is right, but right now it doesn't make it easier. All I want is to be a mom, and I feel like that dream is always just out of reach. I know that I keep saying that I will be more positive, and maybe after my initial disappointment, I will be able to. Someone on the Bump shared a quote tonight that said "You have to change your mind if you want to change your experience". I thought it was a well-timed reminder that even though I can't control my situation, I can control how I react to it and what I learn from it. I might as well make the most of my situation and become stronger and a better person as a result.