The (In)fertility Diaries: March 2010

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

CD 1, "The Talk", and My Plan

Yesterday was CD 1. AF arrived right on schedule...I suppose that I should be grateful that at least one part of my reproductive system is working right! I haven't been too upset at all about this CD 1. I think it is because I just never was really "feeling it" this cycle and because I decided to POAS.

On Sunday, DH and I had the adoption talk. I told him that I didn't want to stop TTC on our own and I hadn't given up hope of having biological children, but that I also wanted to explore the adoption option. He was initially very resistant, saying that it was too soon and he didn't want to "put his name in that basket" just yet. He also said that he thought we couldn't afford adoption, but then I reminded him that our insurance will actually contribute much more towards adoption expenses than infertility. We talked about it a lot more yesterday, and we decided that we will tentatively look into it. Meaning, we are planning on attending an orientation-type meeting at the agency we know we would want to use.

So, this is my plan:

I am still working on getting the insurance to cover the chromosome testing. We are filing an appeal this week, but who knows how long it will take to get that to go through.
While we are waiting on the insurance, my RE is letting my try Clomid this cycle. This will be my first cycle on Clomid. Any advice, suggestions, or warnings???
I will call the agency and see when the next meeting will be.

I am feeling pretty good about things this month. I am hoping that maybe the Clomid will do the trick for us this month (or maybe just a miracle will happen). If not, I still feel like we are heading in the right direction!

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Being Cheerful

I feel like I am doing pretty well. I was feeling a bit down on myself this morning - maybe because, against my better judgement, I decided to POAS and I got a BFN. Or maybe because at church we sat behind a baby that would have been the same age as mine if it weren't for the m/c. Or maybe because there always seems to be so many women in our church who have new babies or are KU. Whatever the reason, I was having a hard time with things.

BUT...I didn't want to let myself melt down to a puddle of despair. I remembered that right now, all I am doing all that I can to eventually be a mom. The rest is out of my control. I have a friend who is serving a mission for our church right now, and she recently sent me a letter. At the bottom of the letter, she included a scripture reference. The scripture says: "Therefore, dearly beloved brethern, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power, and then we may stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed". I am sure that when this scripture was written or when my friend sent me this letter, it was never thought that this would help someone with IF, but it has helped me. As I mentioned in previous posts, I am trying really hard to be more optimistic and happy. So, maybe if I am cheerfully doing all that I can, I just need to learn to rely on God to help with the rest. I am not saying that it is God's will that I don't have kids or that I am going through IF. What I am saying is that I think that if I am doing all that I can and trying to have the best attitude possible, then everything is going to turn out okay in the end. Maybe I won't be a mom as quickly as I would like to be, but everything will turn out all right.

On a different note, I have been thinking a lot about adoption lately. Maybe that seems strange, seeing as how I have yet to even take a single dose of Clomid or experience my first IUI. But, I feel really peaceful when I think about adoption. I am not quite sure how to bring it up to DH yet. We have talked about it before briefly, and he has said that he isn't ready to throw in the towel on having biological kids. I am not saying that I want to stop TTC a biological child, but I do feel like maybe this is something we could start looking into. Has anyone else had experience with this? What was your experience? How did your husband respond?

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Frustration!!!

As you can see, I'm feeling a bit frustrated. This morning, I received the following e-mail from the genetics counselor we have been working with:

"Sorry this is taking so long. It usually doesn't. I just got a phone call from the insurance saying that they are denying coverage, which is really unusual. I am going to go ahead and start the appeal process (If that is ok with you). Usually that means that I have to talk with the reviewer directly. I am back in the office on Monday, so hopefully I can get someone next week. They have some new reviewers and I'm a little concerned because I have had a couple of patients who in the past we have gotten approval for that I am really having to fight for. Sorry! But I'll keep trying."

Really??? Why are we the couple that had to get the new guy and ended up not getting approval??? I just want to get this test over with so that I can move on with things. Hopefully we will get an approval after the appeal, but who knows how long that will take. We have been working on this since the beginning of March!

Once again, I am also feeling frustrated with fertility friend. When I plugged in my temp this morning, it moved my O date from CD 12 to CD 19. WTF?!?! Like it matters anyway...I am starting to feel bloated and crampy. My guess is AF will make her appearance this weekend.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Aw, Thanks!

I decided to participate in March Secret Pals this past month, and I am so glad that I did! It has been fun to be a 'secret pal' for someone else and get to know someone else in the blogging IF world.

Yesterday, I got a package in the mail from my secret pal! It TOTALLY made my day!

As you can see from the picture, she sent me a card, an inspirational book, and some earrings that she made me. These earrings are darling...I wish I was that talented to know how to make them!

Thank you so much to whoever my secret pal is! I really appreciate your thoughtfulness!!!

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Welcome ICLW and My Thoughts on This Cycle

First, if you are new to my blog, welcome! You can learn more about me by visiting this post. In a nutshell, DH and I have been married since August 2006 and have been TTC since November 2008. We got KU in December 2008, has a m/c in January 2009, and haven't had any success since then.

So, I am already starting to feel like this cycle is likely a bust. It didn't help that my CBEFM never picked up a "peak" - I think that this is likely because I O'd so much earlier than normal. Based on my temps, I O'd on CD 12. Last cycle it was closer to CD 20, so I feel like my body is all over the place. My temps have been good, but I have had very few, if any, phantom symptoms. My boobs hurt a little bit this morning, but that is already gone. The frustrating thing is that my pelvic pain has been bothering me the last few days. I used to think that it was related to when I O'd but maybe not? I try and tell myself that it is all in my head, since the u/s didn't pick up on anything abnormal. I just don't think I can totally brush it off since I notice it at the most random times.

Anyway, besides the cycle, life is good. DH and I went to look at cars yesterday, and we ended up coming home with a Nissan Xterra. It was a good compromise for us. We traded in our Yukon and DH wanted a truck, while I wanted something smaller. We are looking forward to the weather getting warmer so that we can take it out camping and try pulling our 4-wheelers with it.

I have also noticed lately that I have been feeling a lot happier and less stressed. That probably doesn't make much sense when I was just venting about my cycle and I have recently expressed concern over the chromosome testing. I have just noticed that it is becoming easier for me to not focus and dwell on TTC and IF all the time. It is something I still think about, but it is not the central focus of my thoughts. It is getting easier for me to be around my pg BFF and genuinely be interested in how her pg is going. I was even thinking that perhaps I would make her a baby quilt and I started thinking about what I could do to give her a baby shower. I don't want to say that I am 100% happy and good, but I am better and I don't feel like IF and TTC is ruling my life. It is part of me, but I am in control. I know that there will still be hard days and hard times, but at least they are becoming fewer.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Getting to Know Me

Since most of my blog has just been about IF and TTC, I thought that I would write a little about me. I found an old e-mail questionnaire saved on my computer, so I thought I would answer those questions in this post.

Two things you are wearing right now: Jeans, sweater
Two of your favorite things to do: Spend time with friends, read
Two things you want very badly at the moment: To be KU and to be on vacation (we are going in May, and it can't come fast enough!)
Two favorite pets you have had/have: This is a hard one...I have had a dog ever since I was three years old. I don't think that I could choose a favorite. I will just say my two current furkids, Mookie and Faline
Two things you ate today: Orange juice, cadburry easter egg
Two people you last talked to: Two nurses at work
Two things you're doing tomorrow: Working in my flower garden, possibly going car shopping
Two longest car rides: 1. Round trip car ride beginning in DC, going to Baltimore, then Gettysburg, then upstate New York, then New York City, back to Baltimore, then DC. 2. Raindrop from Utah to California
Two favorite memories: Wedding day and various vacations
Two favorite holidays: Christmas and Thanksgiving
Two current goals: Run 5K on April 17, be more optimistic
Two favorite beverages: Lemonade, orange juice
If you could be a crayon, what color would you be? Pink
What is your favorite color? Green
What is one date on the calendar you are looking forward to? May 8...we are headed out of town!
Number of cities you have lived in: 4
Where would you like to retire to? Someplace warm, green, and with a beach
Favorite clothing store: It varies depending on my mood, but I like Victoria's Secret, Old Navy, Gap, AE, or I will just shop online
Favorite TV shows: Office, America's Next Top Model, 24, Bachelor
Type of car you drive: Subaru Legacy

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Quick Update on Chromosome Testing

So I e-mailed the genetic counselor that we are working with to see if she had heard back from my insurance yet. She had originally said that she thought we would have an answer by Friday, but Monday at the latest. The counselor responded to my e-mail and said "Well we got the new guy reviewing your case, so moving a little slower than usual. I called and they think it will be done by the beginning of next week. I’ll keep you posted!".

I know that the wait will be worth it if the insurance ends up paying for the test, but I am started to get frustrated. It takes 2-3 weeks to get the test results, so at this rate, I won't have any results for my appointment with the RE the first week in April. We are waiting to decide what to do next based on these results. Will there even be a point in going to the appointment? Argh!!!

98.2

My temp registered at 98.2 this morning, which is typically a bit elevated from where I am before O. However, when I look at my chart, it seems like my temps are just all over the place. I don't know what to think this month. I still haven't seen a peak on the CBEFM, but is there any chance it could have missed it? I still have some EWCM, but not as much as there was a few days ago. I suppose I just need to hang in there, try not to stress, and keep BD.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

The Cat's Out of the Bag

Geez...it seems like it has been FOREVER since I have had time to blog!

On Friday, DH and I went to a wedding for DH’s cousin. During the wedding luncheon, I had a long chat with my MIL about our TTC efforts. DH had already given her some details (i.e. we are seeing a specialist and having testing done), but she had a few questions. I also got the impression that she has shared some of our struggles with at least one of her sisters. Sure enough, DH’s aunt (I’ll call her K) and I had a long talk about TTC during the wedding reception. K is great. She is always so sweet and concerned, but never imposing. K came over and sat by me and said “I know it is none of my business, but I know you have been trying to get pg for a while and have had a m/c. I wanted to make sure you had heard about Factor 5”. I guess Factor 5 runs pretty heavily in DH’s extended family; I know of at least five of his cousins who have it. K said that she didn’t know if a man could be a carrier and if so, if it would affect his sperm. She also said that from what her daughter’s doctors have said, Factor 5 is really common, with possibly 25% of women having it. I also ended up telling K about this blog, so she is the first person IRL to know about it besides DH. Later during the evening, I talked with K’s daughter about TTC. She lost her baby in October when she was 37 weeks and has had another m/c since then. She wondered how things were going for us, so I just gave her a quick update.

To be honest, I didn’t really mind talking about all of this with them. Everybody was concerned and meant well. I know that it will help because there are no more questions of “When am I going to get another grandchild?”, “Do you have anything new to share?”, or “When are you guys going to have kids?” I also believe that there is strength in numbers. I think that it can help when you know that your family is supporting you and praying for you.

In other news, I am still waiting to hear if my insurance company will pay for the genetic testing. The genetic counselor that we have been working with said that she hoped that she would hear by yesterday at the latest, and I still haven’t heard back. I was hoping to have the test done by now because it can take three weeks to get the results back, and I really want the results before I go in for my RE appointment on April 6. My cycle also has seemed a little wonky during the past few days. I saw a huge jump in my temperature this morning, but I haven’t gotten a peak on the CBEFM. CD 13 seems a little early for my temperature to go up, so hopefully it is just a fluke.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Getting Ready to Run...

...No, not a marathon, but at least a 5K! I figured that would be a good short term goal for me to look forward to. It is something that I know I will be able to accomplish and can be in control of. Plus, having the deadline to look forward to (the race is April 17) will help keep me on track with my exercise. I can run a 5K right now, so my goal is to improve my time and run it in under 35 minutes. We'll see how that goes. But, it is nice to have something positive to focus on besides TTC.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Trying to be Optomistic

I am trying really hard to keep my hopes up. DH keeps reminding me that I have a much greater chance of NOT being a carrier of the translocation than I do of being affected by it. And even if I do have it, my mom was able to have five kids without any special interventions, so it isn't like having kids would be out of the picture for us. I guess I just feel really discouraged. I feel like being a mom and having children just keeps getting pushed back. I used to always think to myself "By this time next year, I will for sure be a mom or at least will be KU". Now I don't feel like I can say that anymore.

DH has been so supportive. He is helping me keep everything in perspective. It has been so amazing to watch DH transform over the past year and a half. He has gone from being ready for kids to REALLY wanting a baby. It has helped me to have him be so involved and hopeful. I just have to keep telling myself that I still have plenty of reasons to be hopeful. I will be a mom someday, but maybe just not on my timetable or how I would have liked it to happen.

An update with the chromosome testing...I am still waiting to hear if it will be covered by my insurance. Before the insurance would say if it was covered, they needed another code from my doctor. The doctor's office ended up referring the case to a genetic counselor who works for a hospital that is very closely associated with my insurance. They said that she would be able to get the paperwork to go through, so we'll see what happens.

Oh...and the pg test was negative. Today is CD1.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Back from the RE

My appointment this morning went really well, but I am feeling I bit overwhelmed. Dr. G was great! He listened to all of our concerns and answered all of our questions without making us feel rushed. He seemed to be very thorough and validated what I was feeling, which is exactly what I needed.

After looking at my history, Dr. G is concerned that I may be a carrier of a chromosomal balance translocation. My mom was diagnosed with this when she was trying to have kids (she had 8 m/c, but ended up with 5 kids). If that is the case, I would likely have a 2/3 chance of having a m/c each time I get pg. This problem causes increased m/c rates and infertility because there is an increased chance that my eggs have inherited this trait. If they inherit the trait, they would likely not survive. I guess I would only have a healthy and successful pregnancy if the egg was either a carrier or not affected at all. He has recommended that I undergo some chromosomal karotyping testing to determine if this is the situation. If it is the case, he recommended that we have IVF. However, each of our embryos would have to have their own chromosomal testing done to make sure that they didn’t implant any that were already prone to m/c. This means that our IVF would go from about $12,000 to $17,000!!! Ouch!!!

If I don’t have this problem, Dr. G will start me on Clomid. He looked at my charts and said that while my cycles are okay, they aren’t great. So, maybe all I would need is some increased egg production and a little bit more regular cycles. I am keeping my fingers crossed that this is all we need! I was really glad that he looked at my charts. He actually thinks that we might have conceived at least once since the m/c, but the pg didn’t last long enough for me to get a BFP from POAS. He is actually having me go in today for some b/w to see if I am pg right now.

So, I am feeling a little overwhelmed at the thought of maybe having to jump straight to IVF. I never would have thought I would be in this situation. I want to be a mom so badly, but I don’t know how we could afford $17,000 right now for just a chance at a baby. It makes me wonder if at that point, we would consider adoption. I know that I am getting way ahead of myself. I just need to get the karotyping done and go from there. But, before I can even do that, I need to see if the insurance will pay for it. Apparently it is about a $2000 test. After I have the blood work drawn, it will take two or three weeks to get the results back.

For the meanwhile, I guess we are just holding tight and hoping for the best. I am hoping that my labs come back negative for this chromosome problem. I have a follow-up appointment set for a month, so we’ll keep our fingers crossed and see what happens!